The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (33 page)

Innies have built-in hardwiring to use the most advanced emotional system in the right front lobe of the brain. It’s the home of mindsight and emotional intelligence. The ability to surmise what others are feeling and being able to intuit intentions are the central pillars of people skills. But innies’ emotional wiring won’t be turned on unless they have practice knowing their own emotions and feelings.
Parents can help them hone this talent by playing games that tune up their emotional antenna like “Guess That Feeling” and “Guess That Point.” “See if you can guess what I’m feeling when I tell you about my day and what is the most important point
to me
about what I’m telling you.” Take turns. Let her practice reflecting what you were feeling and what was important about your day. Then you do the same thing with her. This will give her what we, in the therapy trade, call a “felt experience” of being seen and heard.

You can also demonstrate responding to thoughts and feelings by doing this in the moment with family members and friends. Andrew’s friend, Ben, his eyes shining, was speed-talking in a loud voice about his new Game Boy. His words were tumbling out like a gushing waterfall. His mom said, “Boy, can’t you tell by the way Ben’s eyes are gleaming and how fast he’s talking about that new Game Boy that he is soooo excited about that thing? Am I right, Ben?” “Yes, I am sooooooo excited,” Ben says as he spins around the table. They all laugh, and Andrew and Ben run off to play. An added benefit here is that Ben will probably calm down a bit because he was heard.

Explain to your child that temperament affects how children act and speak. She can then learn to convert and adapt to each dialect, becoming, in effect, “bilingual.” It is important for innies to understand extroverts, since they are the majority group. Beyond this, it is empowering. By learning the other language, innies can learn how outies think—and thus how to interact with them. As for outies, they can learn that some children are different from them. Becoming bilingual will widen their view of others. They can also gain the advantages they might have overlooked in innies. Help your child learn the language of innies and outies:

Be “Bilingual” —How to Speak Both Innie and Outie

When you’re talking with an innie, try the following:

• Speak slower and and more softly and allow pauses.

• Tolerate silences.

• Use more complex sentences.

• Don’t crowd them.

• Don’t overwhelm them with emotion.

When you’re chatting with an outie, you might want to:

• Speak faster.

• Use shorter sentences.

• Lean forward.

• Speak louder.

• Show expression.

When you’re listening to innies, your best bets are to:

• Pay attention.

• Don’t interrupt.

• Reflect back what you hear.

• Realize that what’s being said has been thought out.

• If you need to, ask for clarification, then wait for his response.

When you’re listening to outies, you’ll do best if you:

• Offer immediate feedback.

• Nod, smile, and laugh.

• Realize that interrupting is okay.

• Give compliments.

• Don’t take what they say as their final word on the subject.

Getting the Most from Parties

“
Everyone with any sense and experience in life would rather take his fellow one by one than in a crowd
.” —
P. J. O’Rourke

A few years ago I brought our granddaughter Katie to a fourth-year birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. We looked around for the birthday girl. She was nowhere in sight. We finally located the mother standing by a table talking to the big, fluffy-costumed Chuck E. Cheese. “Where’s Brianna?” Katie yelled above the din. The mother said, “She’s under the table, and she won’t come out.” Oh no, I thought, another birthday party disaster.

Follow Your Innie’s Dreams

Supporting a child’s interests makes all the difference in his social confidence. Jed has always been fascinated by movies and moviemaking. At age five, Jed wrote to the director of the latest
Harry Potter
movie and told him that he wanted to be a director when he grows up. His mom, with a fledgling Steven Spielberg on her hands, devised a great seventh birthday party for him. She made pirate costumes for every guest. Jed wrote a script for a play, and all the kids took part. Jed’s parents videotaped the play, made copies, and gave them as the goodie bag gift when the kids left. For his gift, they gave Jed an inexpensive video camera. Jed reminded me of Peter, the introverted child in the film
Finding Neverland
, who wrote a theater script for his three brothers to take part in. J. M. Barrie was so impressed with Peter that he used him as the namesake—and model—for Peter Pan.

Now, this might involve more work than the typical parent wants—or is able to—devote to a birthday party. But the point is that Jed’s mother acknowledged her son’s avocation and showed him how, through his
interests
, he can connect to others.

Children’s birthday parties have become big deals and very stressful. Some are overly fancy, crowded with kids and adults, and seem to go on forever. Help your innie prepare for a birthday party. When the invitation arrives, talk about it. If there are several parties in a row, let her skip one or two she doesn’t feel strongly about. If she plans to go, put a sticker on the calendar for the date. When you call to RSVP, ask how many children will be there and what activities are planned. Then pass along the information to your child so she can mentally prepare. Have your child help you choose and wrap the gift and let her make the card. This will help her feel more involved. Incidentally, many innies are insightful about choosing gifts and usually enjoy wrapping them.

The Myth of Popularity

Many parents express concern that their introverted child has only one or two friends. Shouldn’t she have more friends? they wonder. Shouldn’t she be more
popular
?

Researchers have determined that many of our preconceived notions about popularity are incorrect. Interestingly, studies have found that being liked and being popular are two completely different things. In several replicated studies, children were asked who was popular and whom they liked. The researchers
were not
surprised to find that kids could identify the popular kids. But they
were
surprised to find that the popular kids weren’t always well liked. Often the popular kids were actually feared and resented because they appeared to want power over others, not friendship. They were considered mean, bossy, and leaders of exclusive cliques. This supports other research about how often the most popular kids in high school don’t fulfill their potential later in life. Power wanes as friendship skills gain. As kids enter adulthood, they need more than flashy power moves to get along with others—they need real people skills such as the ability to listen, empathize, and respect others’ viewpoints.

Another study examined a different myth: If you want to be well liked, you need to be a social butterfly. But studies show that kids who are liked actually devote
less
time to socializing than many other kids do. Rather than “getting out there,” the main trait that children valued in other kids was kindness.

Knowing how to strike up and maintain friendships and knowing how to work and play well with others are important. But that doesn’t mean being the most noticed or the most invited. Don’t overrate popularity. Encourage a few friends and a few activities—quality, not quantity, is the name of the game. Many parents invest in sports, academics, and other types of lessons. Without downplaying the value of these, don’t forget to practice at home what will help your innie the most—strong, basic relationship skills.

Discuss the party earlier in the day. “It’s almost party time. How are you feeling?” you can ask. “Is there anything you are worried about?” “I’m excited, but I hope there aren’t too many kids,” Reese says. “Well,” you can say, “if it feels crowded don’t forget to take a breather.” Be sure your child is rested and has eaten before going. Remind him that intense bodily discomforts, like butterflies in the stomach or upper-body tension, will dissipate as he becomes more comfortable. Don’t push him to interact before he feels ready. Let him ease into the party by watching with you from the sidelines. It
might help to arrive a few minutes early to say hello to the host child and get acclimated before the other guests show up. Remind him to take breaks away from the hubbub, perhaps helping in the kitchen, stepping into a quiet, unused room, or sitting on the front porch for a while. If it’s a long party, he may not want to stay for the whole time.

If you stay through the party, you can help simply by being open and friendly. If you chat with some of the kids, your child may join in after a while. Remind her that when she feels ready, she can wave, nod, or say hi. As she gets older she can learn to smile at a friendly-looking child and practice an opening question.

When your very young innie is having a birthday party, keep it small and simple, short and sweet. Let him select the theme and have a say about the food, and encourage him to help prepare for
the party. He may, in fact, enjoy the preparations the most. Seven-year-old Todd’s mom and dad planned his birthday party with both innies and outies in mind. They had a Spider-Man bouncer set up in the backyard. They also put out toy dinosaurs and Lego construction pieces in the living room. Any of the boys who needed a breather could get away from all the bouncing and bobbing. Boys flowed in and out throughout the party. Two introverted boys played alone with the dinosaurs for a while. One was the birthday boy himself.

As innies get older, they may prefer taking a friend or two to a movie or other special outing like a trip to the beach or skiing. By the age of eight or nine, your child may want to tackle a sleepover with a few friends. You might consider staggering birthday celebrations by separating family parties and friend parties. Usually, in our family, we have small parties. One celebration is for one set of grandparents and a few friends. Another party, a week later, is for the other side of the family and several other friends. We are quite flexible about the dates on which we celebrate birthdays and other occasions.

Innies’ Guide to Dating

Introverts are private kids who feel exposed easily. Their pace for dating is usually slower than for outies, in part because they are less influenced by peer pressure. This is especially true of male innies. Studies show that even in college innies date less then outies. But, even if delayed in dating, innies are thinking about it—and they may have a secret crush. Don’t tease or embarrass your child about liking someone or if you notice that another child of the opposite sex seems to like her. Keep a positive attitude. “When you are ready I’m sure you’ll enjoy dating.” “What do you think would make the best date?” Innies with self-confidence will feel better about easing into dating. Keep a respectful dialogue going. Answer questions about dating and sex, and talk about your own experiences. I have worked with many innies whose parents were very popular in high school. The parents probably think they are encouraging their innie by setting high expectations. But usually their innie child feels demoralized by his or her parents bragging about how easy dating was.

Potential Parent/Teen Dynamic

Since many innies are fun to talk with and seem like they are adults, they become a parent’s primary chatting companion. That parent can undermine the innie’s move toward dating because, without even realizing it, he or she doesn’t want to lose their conversation pal. Be on the lookout for this.

Teens don’t always want to share their experiences with parents, but it’s lovely when they do. My younger innie daughter always had male friends growing up, but she didn’t seem interested in dating until she was around sixteen. One day, she asked me to drive her to the mall (she didn’t drive until she was eighteen). She wanted me to see the quiet boy she liked. They hadn’t talked much, but they had a letter-writing relationship going. We walked past the Orange Julius stand and she said, “He’s working behind the counter and is the one who’s a head taller than me, in the brown shirt and orange cap. But don’t look in. I don’t want him to see us.” After we passed the place and I had eyestrain from trying to look without looking, she kept asking me, “Did you see him? Did you see him?” I said, “I think so, but there were about five boys that fit your description—they all had on the Orange Julius uniform! But I
think
I saw him, and he looks very nice. I’m sure he’s a good choice.” Soon after, they had a nervous first date, and now they have been married for fifteen years. He
was
a good choice.

Perhaps the most challenging aspects of dating, even for outies, is getting up the nerve to ask someone for a date. Your innie can practice, practice, and practice asking someone to a dance or to go
out for a soda. Encourage your son to invite a girl to see a video at your house, for he will most likely be more comfortable on his own turf. You can promise to disappear. You can also help him brainstorm and plan other dating arrangements that would help him feel at ease. Be sure that he activates his internal self-talking cheerleader, not the critical judge. Remind him that everyone gets turned down. You can also remind date-wary innies that although they might not be good at small talk, they are good conversationalists. They possess the qualities that make good long-lasting relationships. Pat yourself on the back if your innie discusses the issue of being gay. They trust you a lot. It’s hard to talk about. See if you can help them sort out their feelings. Is this just a crush on a friend of the same sex? Or have they had these feelings for a long time? Ten percent of all teens are hardwired to be gay. It can be isolating to be a gay teen so help them find some other gay teens. Encourage them to chill at your house. You may have strong feelings about your teen being gay and it may help you to join a group for parents of gay teens.