The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (24 page)

One giant step we take as we move from youth into adulthood is when we speak up for our children within our very own families. It’s called differentiation in the world of psychology. It’s like taking a metaphorical bull by the tail and the horns. It’s so difficult many people don’t ever do it. It may involve facing one’s fear of being gored. But we all need to stand up for our beliefs and psychologically separate ourselves from our families of origin in order to really be
our adult selves. This is often achieved by stepping out and saying no to protect our children around our own families. Ironically, saying no in our families of origin often frees us up to appreciate and enjoy what we also value about them.

In many instances, family rules—both spoken and unspoken—don’t fit for an introverted child. These include directives such as, “You must eat all your food; you must kiss Aunt Edna (whom you don’t know all that well) good-bye; you must play with cousins whom you haven’t seen in a year; you must open gifts in front of a large group and show how excited you are.” You may be inclined to follow someone else’s rules when it is fitting and causes no discomfort. But sometimes family rules can be harmful.

My client Milt was brought up in a clean-your-plate home. Milt was fine with that; as a child he swabbed his plate until it shined. However, his introverted daughter, Sylvie, turned out to be a picky eater. She was picky enough at home but was even pickier at large family gatherings—which brought her up against the clean-your-plate squad. One Thanksgiving, Milt’s father got irritated with Sylvie’s lackluster appetite. He told Sylvie that she couldn’t leave the table until she had finished everything on her plate.

Milt saw that neither was going to back down. He took a big breath and grabbed that grandfather bull by the horns. He said, “We are glad to follow most rules you have in your home, but I’m afraid the clean-your-plate rule isn’t good for Sylvie. She doesn’t have to clean her plate.” A deafening silence fell over the festive table. The bull sputtered and snorted; no one had challenged him on that before. Milt told Sylvie that she was excused from the table. Grandfather pawed the ground for a bit. He never directly acknowledged the incident, but he also never told Sylvie to finish everything on her plate again.

Sylvie felt protected by her father. She was surprised that her dad had stood up for her against her grandfather. And she was relieved she didn’t have to eat all that greasy gravy and spicy stuffing. She also knew that she would still have to follow some rules at her grandparents’ house that she might not like. For her part,
Milt’s wife was impressed by her husband’s assertiveness. She thought that it was good for Sylvie to see her father modeling how to stand up for his daughter, and that it might serve her well in later life. Milt felt more independent and adult because he survived in the family bullring.

Innies and Child Care

Just as family members can create strong, valuable bonds with innie kids, so can caregivers. A good caregiver can become a trusted friend, often offering a different perspective than the family provides. So please don’t let just anyone take care of your innie. Introverted kids are especially sensitive to the adults around them; they need a good fit. It’s worth the extra time and effort to find a safe, reliable, attentive, flexible person or day-care center to care for your child.

Ideally, innies under three should be taken care of by one consistent, kind, caring person who isn’t angry, nervous, or impatient, in your own home, if at all possible. It’s less stressful for your innie and less work for you. If you can’t afford that, be sure the caregiver is taking care of only a few low-key kids.

I have numerous clients who have turned to lovely, even-tempered, middle-aged women who have raised their own flock—now flown from the nest. These women are usually flexible, and they enjoy picking up, delivering to lessons, doing errands, and playing with school-aged innies. You might share the expenses of this caregiver with the parents of another compatible innie. A college student learning child development (psychology, education, or another related discipline) or a preschool aide can also be a good babysitter for an innie.

It will be fruitful to discuss your child’s temperament with your caregiver or the day-care center staff. Such a conversation can save
much trial and error. You can specify that your child might not be highly sociable and that he may need time to recharge after particularly busy stretches. The more your caregiver knows about introversion, the better she will be able to understand your child. You can even give your caregiver a copy of the Temperament Quiz on
page 16
to take. Appreciating the power of temperament will help a caregiver not just with your child but with all in her charge.

Conversation and Language Development

The first three years are crucial for language development. I believe it’s essential that the caregiver speaks the child’s primary language fluently. Although hiring a caregiver who speaks another language, such as Spanish, will help your child become bilingual, you don’t want to sacrifice competence in the child’s primary tongue. If your child’s first language isn’t that of the caregiver, please be sure that the sitter’s accent isn’t too thick, as this can interfere with an innie’s language development. (Innies are dominant on the slower hearing pathway, and heavy accents make it difficult to decode what is being said.)

Explain to the caregiver that she needs to talk with your innie. I have seen many cases where caregivers don’t talk very often to the children for whom they are responsible. As we’ve seen, innies need conversation.

Discipline

Discuss how you want to handle tricky situations like discipline. Notice how receptive the caregiver is to what you have to say about your child. You want someone who is attuned to your child’s interests and concerns. Don’t allow hitting, yelling, or shaming. Discuss in private the guidelines for gently setting limits if your child needs them.

Socialization Opportunities

Sign up your caregiver and toddler for a music, movement, or art class when your child is ready. But be sure your caregiver understands that the point of the class is to give her an opportunity to
interact with your innie in a fun, enriching way, and to help the child take a few wobbly social steps. When I took a toddler class with my granddaughter, all the other adults in the class were caregivers. Most paid little attention to their respective charges. They were there for their own socializing. Toddlers need lots of adult supervision to learn to climb the social ropes.

Keep an Eye on Things

I am sorry to say that I also recommend hidden video cameras known as “nanny cams” that the caregiver doesn’t know about—watch a bit of the film every day to see how she interacts with your child. The fact is that not everyone is cut out for taking long-term care of a young person, and you want to be sure that your caregiver has your child’s best interests in mind. Taking care of even an easy infant or toddler can cause some adults, especially if the caregiver is tired or ill, to snap. Hidden cameras are good insurance because your child may not be old enough to tell you if he is harshly treated. Another way to keep tabs on things is to occasionally drop by unexpectedly or have a friend or relative visit unannounced.

Stay Connected

Assure your child that you are thinking of him, even though you can’t be right there. Stay in touch with your child during the day. Phone him, and as he gets older, leave notes or send e-mails.

Transitions

Saying good-bye to you in the morning may be difficult for your innie. (Innies often have meltdowns during energy-draining transitions.) Give him ample warning before you’re heading out and try to establish a routine he can count on. You might want to create a ritual (the familiar action eases the child’s anxiety) for saying good-bye. A fun, short one for a young child goes like this: “Good-bye, high” (you each raise your hands and clap them together) and then, “Good bye, low” (clap your hands low together). For hellos, have your caregiver alert your child a few minutes before you arrive. Let your child adjust to your arrival. He may not show how excited he is because he is feeling overwhelmed. Be assured he is glad to see you.

Warning Signs

Always ask your child how the babysitting experience was. As he tells you, stay alert for any hints of trouble. Pay attention if your child complains about the caregiver. If she suddenly becomes moody around or unfriendly to her caregiver,
or
she doesn’t want to go to day care, immediately investigate the childcare environment. If she complains of physical symptoms like tummy trouble, or her eating or sleeping habits change suddenly and nothing else has changed in her life, check out your caregiver.

Have a Backup Plan

Make a list of two or three emergency caregivers for when your child is ill, your caregiver is sick, or some other type of unforeseen emergency arises. As your child gets old enough to understand, let her know you have a backup plan. Tell her who will step in if needed. It reduces her anxiety. Send your child’s medical information and releases to at least two adults near her school or caregiver’s home in case of an emergency or situation where you or your spouse can’t reach your child immediately.

Evenings Out

When you go out at night, be sure that your child knows the sitter. If possible, have her visit while you are there several times before you leave them alone together. Prepare your innie for your outing, and let him know in advance that you’ll be leaving him with relatives or a sitter—give him time to consider what he may need. Give him your phone number and leave him a bedtime note. As a special
treat, you might let him sleep in your bed or make a tent with the sitter in the living room. Make parents’ night out special for him, too. Remind him that you’ll be back and that if there’s any emergency, he can call you. Acknowledge that he may enjoy a break from you, too!

A childcare provider represents another adult with whom your innie can form a trusting, meaningful relationship, much like a grandparent or family friend. In the best cases, you feel secure that your child is well cared for, and your child gains confidence and learns more about the world.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Encourage innies to make friends under their own family tree
.

•
Innie and outie relatives expand your child’s world
.

•
Warm and understanding caregivers are essential for innies
.

*
For the purpose of simplicity (and because the relationship is often special) I focus on the grandparent/grandchild relationship in this chapter. But much of what I say pertains to other close familial and friendly relationships.

PART IV
Bringing Out What’s Inside

“
If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” —Frank Capra

CHAPTER 10
Innies in the Classroom

When You Know How Innies Learn Best, You Can Help Them Navigate the School Years

“
Once we stretch our mind around a new idea, it never returns to its former shape.” —Oliver Wendell Holmes

Julianne’s mother didn’t understand what was happening. In kindergarten and first grade, Julianne loved school. Once in second grade, however, her daughter complained about going to school and her marks fell. Julianne kept coming home with sad faces instead of smiles stamped on her papers. She cried at bedtime, knowing she would have to go to school the next morning. “I hate to get those sad faces,” she told her mom. Julianne’s mother met with her daughter’s teacher, Mrs. Chan, who told her that she thought Julianne should have been held back in first grade. Julianne’s mom was shocked: How could she think that when Julianne had done
so well
in first grade? Mrs. Chan said she considered Julianne slow because she didn’t participate in class discussions, didn’t catch onto directions quickly, and frequently asked questions about
assignments. The teacher also had Julianne stay in at recess because she took too long to do her work. Julianne’s mother staggered out of the classroom, shaken.

Unfortunately, this is a real-life example of the collision between an introverted child and a teacher with fixed expectations. Mrs. Chan prided herself on launching the year with strictly new material. She valued speed, and she believed that directions should only be given once. If a child didn’t hear something the first time, then she must not have been listening. Mrs. Chan was rather stern, and to top it off she had an accent that made her a bit difficult to understand. Julianne’s previous teachers had been a better fit for her.

Julianne’s mother and I tried to strategize. The school wouldn’t move Julianne to another second-grade class, so her mother got Mrs. Chan to assign another classmate as a helpmate to Julianne. She could ask her helpmate questions about directions and assignments. The classroom aide assisting Mrs. Chan was also able to play a role, as she was warmer and more responsive to children’s individual needs. Julianne’s mother talked to Julianne about how her mind worked and why she needed more time to think things over. Julianne’s mom kept encouraging her to do what she could and to realize that it was okay not to get everything right. The seven-year-old muddled through the school year. It was heartbreaking for her mother and me to watch from the sidelines. Even with help, Julianne was discouraged and hated going to school. She thought she was too slow at everything. She and her mom put stickers on the calendar to count off the days until S-Day: the day summer vacation started. By then, Julianne had tummy trouble and dark circles under her eyes.