The Heart of a Girl (2) (8 page)

Chapter 11

             
Saturday was the day Hannah and I chose to begin our own investigation into David Johnson and who he really was. I packed up Harper’s diaper bag, put her in her baby sling, and just after noon the three of us boarded a bus heading downtown.

             
“My mom said he was remarried,” Hannah said nervously. “I wonder what his new wife is like and if she even knows I exist. Or if she has any kids. Or if they have kids, together. Or if they’re planning on it. Oh my God Lainey, I could have a brother or a sister. I mean, besides you and Mason. I could actually share blood with someone else.” Her eyes were growing wider by the moment.

             
“Maybe,” I agreed with a laugh. “Would that be good or bad?”

             
“I have no idea, but I think good. I mean, it might be fun to have more siblings. It’s not like I’d have to share anything with them other than a dad, you know? Unless he wanted me to come live with him. I have no idea if I could do that.”

             
“Don’t worry about it until it happens,” I urged her. The address Ned received was in South Carolina and the last thing I wanted to imagine was Hannah packing her bags once again. But this wasn’t about me. I knew when she got into contact with her father she’d want to meet him in person. All I could do was offer my complete and utter support.

             
We got to the library fifteen minutes after boarding the bus and as expected, it was practically dead. We didn’t really need to go there as all we were doing was accessing the internet to try and find a phone number, but Hannah insisted she didn’t want to do it at home. Her laptop had been taken by Nora at the beginning of summer and had apparently made the trip to Raleigh with her. I had my own laptop, a present from Julia after telling her I’d opted to homeschool, but she didn’t want to use that either. I suspected she just wanted to add a bit of mystery and excitement to the search so I went along with it. Besides, a day out with Hannah and Harper seemed like a good idea anyway.

             
We pulled two chairs up to a computer and I sat there and rocked Harper while Hannah began to search. Harper let out a loud squeal, earning us a disapproving glare from the librarian. I smiled apologetically but she just frowned deeper and thrust her nose in the air as she stormed away. Oh well. I couldn’t expect to please everyone.

             
“That was fast,” Hannah said, sounding surprised.

             
“You found it already?”

             
“Yep, unless another D. Johnson lives at the same address Ned found for us.” She frowned suddenly. “You think he found the right one, right? I mean, there’s probably more than one David Johnson in the world.”

             
“I’m pretty sure. He went by the marriage certificate, I think.”

             
“Well, it’s worth a try. Should I call now or wait until we leave?” I glanced over my shoulder and spotted the librarian stocking some books on the shelves.

             
“After we leave,” I decided, and Hannah didn’t wait for another word before she was up and heading towards the door.

             
“Where’s Adam today?” She asked once we were out on the street. The heat wave was finally broken and it was around the mid-eighties, sunny and virtually all around nice.

             
“I don’t know, he didn’t really say. I think he’s hanging out with his friends. Why?”

             
“Do you never keep track of him? I just saw someone who looked like him, but he got into a different car so probably not.”

             
“Uh oh,” I teased. “Last time you thought you saw him out, I was proposed to a night later.”

             
“Yeah, that’s true. Maybe he’s going to ask you to make another baby. When are you getting married, anyway?”

             
“This summer,” I replied. “Around Harper’s birthday, probably. We haven’t really set an exact date.” I ignored the tightening I felt in my stomach when I said those words.

             
“That’s crazy. You’re going to be the only high school senior that’s married with a kid.”

             
“Yeah, tell me about it.” I lifted Harper slightly and kissed her cheek. “But it’s all worth it.”

             
“Well I hope you’re planning on asking me to be your maid of honor, that’s for sure. And I promise I won’t be going on any last minute vacations or missing anything else from here on out.”

             
“I’m holding you to that,” I threatened lightheartedly. We headed over to a bench in a more quiet area and sat down. Hannah pulled out her phone, went through her contact list and allowed her thumb to rest over the send button.

             
“I’m scared,” she admitted to me.

             
“About what?”

             
“I don’t know, everything? I mean, what if he hates me? What if we have nothing at all in common?”

             
“First off, there’s no way in the world he’ll hate you. And of course you’re going to have something in common, he’s your father. You know how crazy both of my parents are and I have something in common with both of them.”

             
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She took a deep breath. “Well, here goes nothing.” She hit send and gave me an anxious look as she waited impatiently for someone to answer on the other line.

             
“Um, hello, this is, um, Hannah. Hannah Gordon? I’m calling for David Johnson?” I watched her closely as she listened. Her face went from red to pale before settling on a color somewhere in between.

             
“Oh, okay.” She said. “I guess I’ll call back later then? Or he can call me… Yeah, that sounds good. Okay, thanks.” She hung up and turned to me, her eyes wide.

             
“I think that was his wife.”

             
“You think?”

             
“Well, she didn’t say and she didn’t sound like she knew who I was. I mean, if he cared at all he’d probably tell her my name, right? I knew this was a bad idea. He’s never going to call back.”

             
“Hannah, calm down,” I advised, shifting Harper slightly so I could wrap my free arm around Hannah’s shoulders. “I’m sure she knows exactly who you are, but probably not your last name. And you have to remember Hannah is a pretty popular name and she probably wasn’t expecting his
daughter
Hannah to call some random Saturday afternoon in September. She probably just didn’t connect the dots yet, but when he sees you called, he’ll call right back. Try not to worry about it too much, okay? It’s all going to work out. He wouldn’t have been sending Nora checks for so long if he didn’t care and didn’t want to be a part of your life.”

             
Hannah nodded slowly and shot me a grateful look. “Thanks, Lainey. I have no idea how I’d get through any of this without you.”

             
“It’s my job,” I said with a smile. “You were there the entire time I was pregnant. It’s the least I can do.”

             
“Not the entire time,” she said ruefully. “I was kind of MIA for a few months when I was with Nolan.”

             
“Yeah, but I forgive you for that. You were pretty crazy about him.”

             
“Or just plain crazy.” We laughed.

             
Harper was getting fussy, the kind of fussy that meant I was going to find a surprise in her diaper, so we headed to a nearby burger shop for lunch and a bathroom break. Hannah found us a seat while I found the bathroom and proceeded to change Harper’s diaper at the changing station.

             
I remembered the first time I ever had to do this, over a month ago. It was the first time I’d really taken Harper out anywhere for more than a walk or a doctor’s appointment. Mason convinced me to let him take me out on a lunch date, leaving Cynthia to run the bed and breakfast alone for an hour or so. I felt guilty about it but they both insisted, claiming I needed to get out of the house more often. I finally agreed, only when they stopped begging me to leave Harper with Cynthia. I’d felt so awkward trying to get Harper’s diaper on, my hands shaking because I swore everyone in the rest room was watching and judging me. Now, it was just second nature.

             
“Oh wow, what are the odds of this?” I turned when I heard a slightly familiar voice. I smiled when I recognized the girl from the grocery store nearly two weeks earlier.

             
“Hey,” I said with a smile.

             
“I think she looks even bigger than she did the last time,” the girl laughed, motioning at Harper.

             
“Yeah, definitely. She gets bigger every day. I never believed people when they said that.”

             
“It’s definitely true. She’s precious.”

             
“That she is,” I smiled. “Do you have any?”

             
The sadness I thought I’d seen in her eyes two weeks ago reappeared but then she smiled and it was gone. I wondered if I were just imagining things.

             
“Nope, none for me. I have to get through college first, even though looking at that precious little baby makes me think I’d trade in sororities and failing test grades for one of my own any day!”

             
“I don’t know, college before babies seems like a pretty good idea to me,” I said. “I might have done it a little differently if I knew for sure I’d end up with Harper.”

             
“You’re still so young,” she agreed, smiling wistfully. “But you’ll figure it all out.”             

             
“I hope so.” Harper’s diaper was changed and I knew it was her feeding time so I turned back to the girl as I lifted Harper back into my arms. “Well, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around,” I said.

             
“Yeah, maybe. I’m kind of in the middle of deciding whether or not I’m going to go back to college this semester or not.”

             
“Oh, well welcome home and goodbye all at the same time, and good luck,” I laughed. “It was nice talking to you.”

             
“You too, Lainey,” she said, and disappeared into a stall. I headed out the door, and then stopped in my tracks. How did she know my name? I brushed it off, thinking I must have told her back when we’d run into each other the first time. She might have even told me hers. It wasn’t like it would be the first time I’d forgotten something obvious in the past few months.

             
Hannah was practically bouncing off her seat by the time I got to the table. “What were you doing in there?” She demanded. “I swear I’ve been waiting half a century for you to come back!”

             
“Sorry,” I apologized. “I ran into someone I think I know. What’s up?”

             
“Well, the woman I spoke to must have realized who I was after we got off the phone because she called Dav- my dad’s cell phone to tell him, and he just called me back! It’s definitely him, Lainey. I feel like I recognized his voice even though we never spoke on the phone before. He wants to see me. Can you believe it? He’s actually going to come up here. He doesn’t know when yet but it’s going to be soon. I’m so excited. Lainey, I actually have a dad!”

             
“That’s fantastic, Hannah!” I said happily. “I’m so excited for you.”

             
She smiled dreamily at me from across the table. “This is going to be the best year of my life so far,” she predicted. “I can feel it.”

Chapter 12

              I spent most of that Sunday with Hannah, talking about when her father came to see her and what to expect and all the things they should try to do together. I felt myself getting excited over all the possibilities even though I knew I wouldn’t be an active part of any of them unless she asked me to.

             
I didn’t let myself think back to a few months earlier, when Lila showed up unexpectantly and was a part of my life for that brief week. It still hurt too much, even though I wasn’t willing to openly admit that to anyone, even Hannah.

             
At least Hannah’s situation was different and would yield an opposite result. That was all I could hope for, anyway.

             
I put Harper down for a nap after Hannah left and fell asleep on the couch soon after that. I dreamt of travelling with Hannah and Harper and a faceless David Johnson, going to Russia and other places I never even thought of visiting before. I didn’t wake up until I felt someone shaking me.

             
“Lainey,” Adam’s voice broke through my dreams. I was in an ice bar drinking an insanely big hot chocolate, and then all I could see what his face. “Lainey, wake up.”

             
“What happened?” I asked, sitting up and looking around anxiously. “Where’s Harper?”

             
“Harper’s fine, she’s in her room.”

             
“Oh.” I placed a hand over my heart, willing it to slow down. “Don’t scare me like that. I was in Russia, and then…” I shook my head, clearing the dream from my memory.

             
“What?” Adam asked, laughing. “Are you okay?”

             
“Yeah, just a little hazy. What are you doing? Did you just get home?”

             
“Yeah, a few minutes ago. I checked on our little girl and then I decided to check on you.” He sat down beside me and put his arm around me, pulling me close to him. “I’ve missed you,” he said, kissing my shoulder.

             
“I haven’t gone anywhere.”

             
“I know that, but we’ve been distant lately.”

             
“I know, I’m sorry.”

             
“Don’t be. It’s my fault. I’ve been so overwhelmed with everything and I think I’ve been taking it out on you a lot and you don’t deserve that.”

             
“It’s okay,” I insisted. “You have every right to be overwhelmed. At least I get to do the fun part and take care of Harper all day. You have to do all the hard work and make money and provide for us.”

             
“You make it sound easy,” he smiled. “Taking care of a screaming baby all hours of the day isn’t all that great, Lainey. You don’t have to pretend like it is.”

             
“Maybe not, but she’s my screaming baby and I love her more than anything in the world. She’s enough for me.”

             
“I get that but you need more,” he said, brushing a few strands of hair from my face and kissing the tip of my nose. “That’s why I wanted you to go back to school so badly. You should have something outside of Harper.”

             
“I don’t need anything more,” I replied. “I have you and Harper, a house that actually feels like a home and a family that isn’t completely dysfunctional. Plus Hannah is finally back and she’s so happy now that she’s away from Nora and about to get to know her dad.”

             
“You’re amazing, you know that?” His eyes were full of emotion and for a moment I was worried he might actually cry.

             
“No I’m not.”

             
“No, you are. Most girls in your situation would be so angry and bitter about having to stay at home and take care of a baby all the time while their friends get to go on living their lives like they always did, but not you. You’re so okay with all of this. At first I didn’t really believe it, but now I’m seeing that you mean it when you say you’d rather be here than anywhere else. That makes you truly amazing in my eyes.”

             
“It’s not amazing that I want to be a good mom to my daughter. I know firsthand how much it hurts not being number one to the people that are supposed to give you everything. I never want Harper to feel that, not even for a second,” I said with conviction.

             
“She won’t,” he promised. “If there’s anything I can promise you, it’s that Harper is always going to know how loved and cared for she is. And that I’ll always take care of you, no matter what.”

             
“Maybe someday you won’t have to take care of me,” I said. “I still want to go to college. I’ll probably do it online, but I definitely want a career of my own. By the time I graduate from college Harper will be mostly grown up and in school.” I shook my head, realizing that for the first time. “If I do it traditionally, she’ll be six by the time I graduate. Isn’t that crazy?”

             
“Yeah,” Adam agreed. “Know what else is crazy? How much I love you.” He kissed my neck and I squirmed away, laughing.

             
“That tickles.”

             
“I’m sorry. Come closer and it won’t tickle as much.”

             
“Adam…”

             
“It’s been a long time, Lainey. At least just try. I don’t know what you’re so scared of.”

             
I closed my eyes and rested against his chest. I didn’t know what I was so scared of either. It wasn’t pregnancy, not really. I’d been really good about taking my pills each day at the same time. I knew there was a very slim chance I would get pregnant again as long as we remained careful. It was more than that. It was some sort of unwillingness I felt to get close to him again in that way, to let my guard down.

             
“What if Harper starts crying?” I asked. “That’s kind of an awkward situation.”

             
“It’s not that awkward. Chances are if she’s crying she just wants to be held and it isn’t a life threatening situation. We can close the door so we can’t hear her too clearly, and she can’t hear us.”

             
“No way,” I argued. “What if something’s wrong?”

             
“Lainey, calm down.” He sighed, and I could tell he was getting frustrated. “You do realize that normal couples do have sex again eventually after they have a baby, right? You don’t just stop forever or until you want another one.”

             
“I do realize that, Adam. I’m not a prude. I just don’t want to and I don’t get why you can’t understand that.” I pulled away from him, feeling his body start to tense up as I did.

             
He stood up. “It’s been months. If you don’t want to by now then I guess it’s safe to assume you’re never going to want to.”

             
“Why is that all you care about?” I demanded. “We just had a baby, for crying out loud. If nothing else, that should teach you that there’s a lot more to life than just having sex whenever you feel like it.”

             
“You’re so dramatic,” he snapped at me and that angry, guarded look was back in his eyes. “I give up, okay? I’m not going to pressure you. If you don’t want me, you don’t have to have me.”

             
“Fine. And if sex is all you care about, then maybe you should go find it somewhere else,” I spat back.

             
We stared at each other for a few minutes, neither of us speaking for what felt like a really long time. “Is that what you want?” He asked finally. “For me to go find someone else?”

             
“If sex is all you care about, then yeah,” I replied, my voice steely enough to hide the shakiness. “I’m sorry that I can’t just forget everything else in my life and calm down enough to meet your every need, so go find someone else who can.”

             
“You haven’t been meeting any of my needs as of lately,” he replied, his voice just as cold.

             
I felt tears well in my eyes and almost as if on cue, Harper began screaming. I jumped up and hurried towards her nursery, scooping her up and doing the best to comfort her all while trying to calm myself down. I heard Adam’s footsteps in the living room and the sound of a door closing and assumed he’d left. Maybe to find someone new, like I’d told him to.

             
“It’s okay,” I whispered to her. “Don’t cry. Mommy and Daddy didn’t mean any of that.” I kissed the top of her head and whispered more things to her, hoping she could understand enough to know that whatever she might have understood from our fight didn’t matter. Even if Adam did leave, and regardless of where he’d went, we’d be okay. Sex was the elephant in the room since Harper was born and I needed to find a way to get over that. I needed to find a way to save us before we were beyond saving.

             
I felt Adam come up behind me and nearly shrieked when I felt his arms go around my waist. “I’m sorry,” he whispered in my ear. Harper looked up at him from my arms and smiled as if she’d gotten the answer she was looking for.

             
“I’m sorry too,” I said back. “I thought you left.”

             
“No, I slammed the door so you’d think that. I’m such an ass sometimes. I’m sorry.”

             
I placed Harper back in her crib and turned to him. He put his arms around me and held me close before I could say a word.

             
“I love you so much, Lainey. You know that right? No matter what happens, I love you.”

             
“I love you too,” I whispered back, and tilted my face up for a kiss. His lips brushed against mine gently at first, then a little harder. I held onto him tightly, pressing our bodies closer together. Maybe the only way I was going to get over whatever was wrong with me was by forcing myself to face it.

             
I let Adam lead me across the hallway and into our bedroom and I laid down before he could guide me over to the bed. “Turn out the lights please,” I whispered, and he did so without asking questions. I watched in the new darkness as he pulled his shirt off and climbed over top of me, planting kisses all over my face and throat, lifting my shift up and then kissing my stomach. I cringed but forced myself not to stop him.

             
I let him pull all of my clothes off, grateful for the blankets we’d hung over the windows, allowing it to be all the more dark so he couldn’t see me and the way my body had changed. I was scared of him noticing even though I wasn’t sure how noticeable it all really was. I was afraid that one of these days he’d look at me and realize I wasn’t the same girl he’d fallen in love with. That I’d changed and he wouldn’t want me anymore. Maybe that was the root of all this.

             
He kissed me as our bodies united and I tried my best not to react when it hurt more than I’d expected it to. Most of it was mental I was sure, but it was hard to enjoy his kisses and his tender touches when all I could think about was how strange this all felt, how different my own body still seemed to me. I worried Harper would wake up again and need me and that I wouldn’t be able to get to her fast enough. I worried that Adam would sense I wasn’t as into this as he was and that he’d grow angry with me. Or worse, that he’d grow even more distant.

             
He held me after and whispered how much he loved me over and over again and I whispered his words back to him, hoping I sounded more convincing than I felt. It was over and I’d gotten through it all in one piece. Part of me hadn’t been sure why I’d been so scared of it in the first place, our first intimate moments together since the birth of our daughter nearly three months earlier. Another part of me couldn’t help but feel disappointed over how different it felt. It wasn’t romantic anymore, not the way it was before. Maybe I was just too aware of the consequences that this one simple action could bring.

             
Adam fell asleep and I let him, getting out of bed slowly and carefully so he wouldn’t wake up. I slid back into my clothes and left the bedroom as quickly as I could; peeking in the nursery to make sure Harper was still okay. Reassured that she was I went into the bathroom and forced myself to look in the mirror.

             
I was still in there, somewhere. My hair had grown longer and was unruly most of the time but it was the same strawberry blonde it had always been and straight, without even a hint of a curl. My eyes were the same sky blue they’d always been, identical to my father’s and brother’s, but didn’t hold the same passion they used to after being with Adam. My skin was slightly flushed but I couldn’t help but feel that was more from embarrassment than pleasure. I splashed cold water on my face, brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. It was early, but my fiancé and daughter were already asleep and my world felt empty without them.

             
Tomorrow was a new day and hopefully it held answers to questions I wasn't willing to ask today.