The Headspace Guide To … A Mindful Pregnancy (11 page)

Identity is the coming together of many ideas, accrued over many years, which we hold dear. But we are not what we do, what we say or even what we think. These things may well define our experience of life, and provide us with an identity that instils stability and our place in the world, but they should not, and do not, define us.

Not surprisingly this clash of identities tends to occur primarily, but by no means exclusively, in the mother – all the more so if she is particularly driven in her career and life. In the swirl of change, she can understandably feel lost or disillusioned, convinced she is giving up a part of herself, including her body.

At any point during pregnancy or early parenthood, a mother may well find herself asking, ‘Who am I?’ or ‘Is this it – is this my life now?’ Indeed, many women can feel so out of alignment with how they envisaged life to be that depression takes hold. When that deep sadness kicks in, they not only feel disconnected from themselves, but also their partner, and a vicious circle begins. So many women I’ve spoken to about this say they feel unable to express this sentiment when everyone around them is saying how happy they are for them, and when the expectation is to experience joy. If this sounds like you, then please be reassured that this is incredibly common, and you are by no means alone.

Now would be a good time to come back to that idea of impermanence, moving from a place of concept to experience,
feeling
that change, rather than just thinking about it. Things are constantly changing, nothing stays the same. In truth, our identity has always been evolving, shifting from one moment to the next, it’s just that it has perhaps never taken such a monumental leap before. And it will continue to change long after the pregnancy. This is not goodbye to who you once were, nor is it goodbye to who you may have imagined yourself to be in the future. This is simply one more change in an ever-evolving process. But more than that, it is a radical opportunity to set yourself free from the limitations of identity altogether, to let go of labels, to embrace uncertainty and instead simply be present in each unfolding moment.

It seems common these days for most couples to wait until the twelfth week of pregnancy before sharing their news, but be warned that when you finally do let the cat out of the bag, you are likely to be confronted by an avalanche of (albeit well-intentioned) advice. Whenever you announce the news, whatever trimester you are in – and even if your baby has already been born – you will discover everyone has an opinion. If the countless how-to guides don’t overwhelm you, then the armchair experts most likely will. Just as you are trying to adjust in your own time and space, different people – sometimes strangers in the supermarket – will chip in with various tips and pearls of wisdom, often unsolicited. This welter of advice is inevitable, and resisting it is futile; much better to understand what’s going on and find a healthy way of meeting it head on.

More often than not, what people are actually doing is projecting their own experience on to you – saying what it was like for them (the past) and suggesting what you’ll discover (the future) based on their knowledge. No doubt, these people have your best interests at heart, but what is so often forgotten is that the advice is based on another mother, another father, another baby, from another time and in another place. There are just so many variables, it is hard to compare to your own, unique, unfolding experience. That’s not to say there won’t be some great advice in there which may well prove helpful, but much of it can feel overwhelming. The skilful way to handle it is to accept the reality and know that the intention is good, cherry picking what’s helpful to you, and then letting the rest go. The alternative is to become caught up with thoughts such as,
Why do they keep saying that to me – does she think I’m stupid?
Or
Don’t they think I can cope?
Or
Why does he have to keep interfering?

Remember, this is the skill of mindfulness: a thought arises, we either see it clearly or we don’t; if we do not, then we are likely to begin an inner dialogue which could go on for days. But if we do, we have a golden opportunity to let it go, to come back to whatever we were doing at the time. It is a virtuous circle of calm and clarity, where each encourages the other. In this space, advice is not felt as obtrusive, but rather experienced as kindness.

So, here you are – you’ve received the news, and you’ll become better at handling the advice of others as and when it arrives. The intention now is to give yourself, your child, and your family the gift of a mindful pregnancy. In the next chapter, we will look at each trimester and the particular challenges that the mind may present. But before that, I thought it best to end this section with a word from our obstetrician, Dr Amersi, because she sees first-hand, on a daily basis, the huge difference mindfulness can make. Her advice is straightforward:

Focus on creating the mental space for you, for quality naps and for doing nothing. Prepare for the birth by making yourself
emotionally
healthy, being mindful not just in the outer details of pregnancy planning, but with the inner preparation, too. Spend time honouring all your feelings. The darkness is something you will feel – know that’s normal. As long as you create space for the quiet, it will help the shadows fade into the background of your mind and heart. Embrace mindful relationships with your partner, your family, your caregiver – make them aware that you need help and support. Most of all, embrace the imperfections, because it is the race for perfection that can mar so many pregnancies. Use the tools and guidance in this book to decrease the unnecessary noise and fear in your head. Keep this book close. Keep things simple. And enjoy what is to come …

Welcome to your new life. From hereon in, and certainly for the duration of the pregnancy, things are going to be a little different. Your body won’t seem like your own, more like an ever-inflating costume you can’t take off. Nor will your mind for that matter. On occasion, due in no small part to the dramatically fluctuating hormones, it will be quite normal to question whether you are completely losing your mind. Generally speaking, you’re about to experience an intense but wonderfully exciting emotional roller coaster.

You’re probably somewhere between ecstatic and terrified right now, but however you feel, there is so much to think about and adjust to that it’s enough to make your head spin. The initial weeks of pregnancy can often be such a discombobulating experience that you may well struggle to find your bearings. So much is changing physiologically, it’s only natural that it will begin to impact the mind and how you are feeling. And here’s the thing: you can do everything by the book – adhere to a strict diet, adopt an exercise regime, take the correct vitamins and have your physical health in tip-top condition – but if your head isn’t in the right place and the stress levels are through the roof, then you’re probably not even going to notice the benefits of all those things.

So much pregnancy and antenatal care focuses on the body, without giving proper attention to the health and happiness of the mind. This seems a little odd because pregnancy needn’t be something you just
get through
; it can be one of the most wonderful, empowering and enjoyable times of your life, but only if you’ve got a bit of headspace about you.

There are very few defined periods in life where we are so focused on both the journey and outcome for such a fixed period of time, making it an ideal training period to practise mindfulness. Sure, you’ll be learning as you go, but that’s the best way to learn. And hey, this isn’t just to stay sane while pregnant, this is for the transition into parenthood too.

At the junction between a mindful and a non-mindful pregnancy, there are really only two options: you struggle with, worry about, resist and sometimes resent what’s happening, wondering if your life is over, fighting unpleasant symptoms, feeling confused by emotions and finding it difficult to keep an equilibrium; or you accept that the experience won’t be easy, that it might not pan out the way you expect, and yet you embrace it none the less, learning the skill of mindfulness in order to find the calm in the storm – that quiet place you never thought could exist.

The mind is particularly powerful at this time, and the enormity of an event like pregnancy can sometimes seem too much to get our head around. It’s not surprising that some of us wonder about ever being able to cope. But, as if this is understood, nature kindly breaks down the nine months into distinct periods or trimesters. Of course, not all pregnancies adhere to the trimesters accurately or equally, but as a general rule, they can be approached as three manageable chunks of time.

In fact, the first month has pretty much gone by the time you receive the news. That’s because the forty-week term officially begins from your last menstrual cycle, so that’s week one already ticked off. Week two is the ovulation; week three, the conception; and week four is when the embryo implants itself into the wall of the uterus. So once your mind starts to grasp the reality – notwithstanding the early signs that may have made you wonder – you are already four weeks into the ride.

I say ‘ride’ because that’s the description of pretty much every mum I know. Sometimes it’s a bike ride, or a boat ride, or even a long car journey, but, more often than not, they compare it to a white-knuckle roller coaster that whizzes them through the entire spectrum of human emotion. Each trimester is different, with its own unique characteristics, so it’s interesting to see how the mind tends to behave through each twist and turn.

The first trimester is when the roller coaster pulls away from the station. You’re strapped in and already moving, approaching that initial steep incline. The mind can be particularly active at this stage. There is time to notice everything as you hear the
click-click-click
of the wheels, and to perhaps lean back over your shoulder, wondering who on earth talked you into this. The climb seems to take an age, allowing the tension and anxiety to build, as the thoughts begin to race.
What if something goes wrong? What if I lose the baby? How drastically will my body change? Oh God, I feel sick. I want to get off! What am I doing?
These first twelve weeks can be a worrisome time in which newly pregnant mothers are inundated with thoughts about the future. Then, at the crest of the incline, you’re ready for the first scan and the incredible sight of a two- to three-inch human being, with hands and feet. And you hear the magical sound of the heartbeat …

You drop, hands in the air, screaming out loud, accelerating into the euphoria of the second trimester. The G-force is so intense that it feels like you are floating, riding on air. Coming out of the dive, into a series of camel-back humps and more downhill runs, you might feel a little light-headed at times, but overall, you’re probably beginning to enjoy the experience.

But then, just when you thought you were getting the hang of it all, you move into the dramatic ups and downs of the third trimester; the emotions may spike, the mental commentary kicks back in and the anxiety grips you out of nowhere.
Oh, crap, I’m having a baby!
The climax of the ride is fast approaching, and you feel the tension and aches in your body. In a matter of weeks, you are going to be getting off this ride and climbing aboard another altogether more daunting one: parenthood. Every fear and worry you’ve entertained suddenly returns. Before you know it, you’re racing into the roller coaster’s signature sensation of the corkscrew – the delivery.