The Headspace Guide To … A Mindful Pregnancy (12 page)

Before exploring each trimester in more detail, it’s worth looking at the much-discussed, much-deliberated ‘birth plan’. Of course, this written agreement between you and your midwife is both practical and sensible. After all, it is intended to be a valuable source of information should you be incoherent in the delivery room, or in the event that an intervention is required. In these situations, the birth plan is extremely useful, but only as long as you’re not attached to the idea of ‘This is
exactly
how it must be’. When it comes to giving birth, things rarely run to order. Consequently, when a birth plan starts becoming a fixed expectation – you want the lighting to be a certain way; you don’t want a C-section unless
absolutely necessary
, and even then the scar should go below the bikini line; and so on – then you are potentially adding another layer of tension to an already tense situation. Because what happens if, in the throes of labour, and for whatever reason, plans go awry? Having set out with very fixed wishes and a certain expectation, you are left feeling let down or disappointed, leading to upset or possibly resentment and self-recrimination.

A mindful approach does not preclude the need for a birth plan, nor does it discourage you from making the choices that are right for you and your partner. But what it asks of us is flexibility: a willingness to adapt to changing conditions, to let go of any hard and fast rules, to trust in the expertise around us and, first and foremost, to focus wholeheartedly on the health and wellbeing of mother and baby.

A mindful approach allows us to be present for each moment, to miss nothing, to be awake to everything, to watch as events unfold before us, and within us, as nature takes its course. A mindful birth is not something prescriptive, it is spontaneous in the truest sense of the word.

As our obstetrician, Dr Amersi, points out:

Every single birth I’ve witnessed is different and every single baby is different. Anything can happen. Quite simply, you can’t plan a birth, which is why I prefer the term ‘birth wish list’ – wishes are not as fixed as a plan. All you can do is talk everything through with your midwife. After that, the only plan you can realistically have is to deliver a healthy baby in the safest possible way.

Who knows? One day, we may well see a plan that simply states one intention: ‘To have a mindful childbirth …’

The first three months of pregnancy can be an exciting time – especially if having a baby has been a long-held dream. That said, it’s still hard to get a handle on the fact that you are going to be parents when there are usually no visible, outward signs, and often no real sense of an inner connection. This is unknown territory and so there may be a lot of trepidation and fear. In many respects, the mind is still trying to catch up with the physical event that is well under way.

When I wrote earlier that the aim of this book is to help you stay sane, I was thinking particularly about the first trimester: the hormonal tidal wave that affects mood and cognition; the knock-out fatigue that can make 5pm feel like bedtime; the nausea that can leave you throwing up four or five times a day; and the quite inexplicable food cravings and aversions. If you’ve found yourself slathering peanut butter and pickle on a slice of bread, feeling ill over the smell of your morning coffee or sitting in a restaurant telling your partner, ‘I need chicken soup. I. JUST. NEED. CHICKEN. SOUP!’ you’ll know what I’m talking about. Not to mention the other changes, which can really go either way: glowing complexion or acne and eczema; hair like silk or moulting like a cat; improved digestion or more flatulent than your partner; sky-high sex drive or zero libido. Due to the major fluctuation in hormones, the initial twelve weeks are without doubt the rockiest passage, and unless you’re someone who has always wanted kids, and are immediately plugged in, it can be a really tough time.

On that point of hormones, I feel women have had a bad rap for centuries, mainly because men have misunderstood what physiologically happens with their partners during pregnancy. For far too long, erratic, emotional behaviour has been dismissed as ‘crazy’ or ‘unhinged’, and this conditioning has even led to women feeling almost apologetic. ‘Oh, don’t mind me – it’s just my hormones.’ After all, the word ‘hysterical’ comes from the Latin word
hystericus
, meaning ‘of the womb’ – and one suspects a man came up with it because the original definition was ‘a neurotic condition peculiar to women, thought to be caused by a dysfunction of the uterus’. I really don’t think that man’s understanding has advanced a great deal since that was written, but if there was one aspect of pregnancy crying out for more compassion, it is this one. There is good reason why your hormones are out of whack: when pregnant, there is an unavoidable surge in hormones
because they are needed to support the womb.
Without these spikes, the embryo couldn’t thrive. So yes, you may well feel emotionally out of control at times, and succumb to your hormones, but you can change your perception of why it’s happening – and it’s all happening in support of the baby. I hope this brings new context to this much-misunderstood side effect of pregnancy.

Around 75 per cent of women experience nausea and vomiting in the first trimester. I don’t know why they call it ‘morning’ sickness because it can last all day in many cases, feeling like a permanent hangover. To grow a human body requires a huge amount of energy; that energy has to come from somewhere, and right now it’s coming from you.

When feeling nauseous and exhausted, you will quickly see the mind’s initial instinct is to dwell on the suffering. ‘Ugh, I’m miserable.’ ‘Ugh, I’m exhausted.’ It’s easy to magnify the misery by getting caught up in it and perpetuating the storyline, but the key is to be
present with the sensation.
That’s the way to create some distance between you and the feeling, giving it space to do its thing and pass. So, rather than
thinking
about it and telling yourself that you are tired and you are sick, try stepping back and witnessing the sensation in the same way you’d witness a thought – that is mindfulness. There is a meditation designed to guide you through the trimesters at the back of the book but, for now, let me provide an example that a teacher once taught me. Read the following paragraph and then put down the book for a couple of minutes to try out this small exercise:

Firmly hold the tip of your left index finger between the thumb and forefinger of your right hand. Don’t look at it; keep your eyes looking up, dead ahead. The focus here is on the physical sensation which, unlike a thought, is very tangible. That’s not to say a thought won’t try and come in to distract you; if that happens, simply notice you’ve been distracted and come back to the sensation. OK, so it might be tempting to say that the finger ‘hurts’. But does it? Is it the whole finger or just one part? And what do we mean by ‘hurts’? What is the actual sensation? Is it a sharp pain or a dull pain? Is the sensation static or moving? If you feel a gentle throbbing sensation, do you also feel the gap between each throb? And is that sensation fast or slow?

Whenever we focus on a physical sensation, our curiosity is not analytical but observational, for that is what creates the distance between us and the sensation. It’s then no longer a case of ‘I hurt’, or ‘I’m in pain’, or ‘I’m miserable’ (caught up in the thought of it), it’s more ‘There is “this”’ (observable sensation). Likewise, when you feel a bout of morning sickness, you’ll see the mind’s initial instinct to dwell on and resist the discomfort, wanting to hold on to the security and comfort of feeling well again. But see what happens when you let go of that tendency; the result might just surprise you. When we let go of resistance, nothing but acceptance remains.

Let’s take fatigue as another example. You may well think,
This is terrible – I’ve never felt this tired!
Or
I’m absolutely exhausted!
And then you may ponder how much time you’re spending on the sofa, how you never used to be like this, and so you start to feel bad, and your self-worth takes a dive. See the downward spiral that just took place? As I write these words, I can almost hear Lucinda saying, ‘Now, hang on a minute – I was passing out by seven in the evening and nothing could wake me. That was hardly an idea!’ And she would be right – it’s not all in the mind. Hormone levels have spiked, blood sugar is down and your nutrients are being sapped by the placenta. These physiological changes are very real and have an impact on body and mind. So I am in no way suggesting that this is simply a case of overthinking! However, in these situations, we have a tendency (as human beings) to
compound
the difficulty, adding additional layers of thought and emotion to an internal storyline which only makes things that much worse.

The challenge is to be aware of the
sensation,
and to then focus or rest our attention on that sensation rather than thinking about it. This way, we get to witness the emotion instead of
becoming
the emotion.

So try bringing a gentle curiosity to whatever unpleasant sensation you are experiencing. Break it down, layer by layer, as we did with the index-finger exercise above: how does it feel? Where is it mostly felt? All over, or just one area? What’s its intensity? What’s its rhythm and consistency? If you can simply maintain an awareness – seeing what arises moment by moment – you will naturally be present and free from thought.

Whatever trimester you are in, the more fatigued, stressed, anxious and sleep-deprived you are, the more difficult it becomes to maintain awareness. But the more you have practised mindfulness beforehand, the more stable your awareness is and the more chance you have of applying it to difficult situations. The first trimester is difficult. Make no bones about it. But once you stop running away from that truth, things can begin to feel different. And in the moments when it really does feel too much, it might be worth stepping back and appreciating the precious human life you have been blessed with; from a compassionate perspective, there are countless infertile women who would give anything to be experiencing such difficulties right now.

Hello blue sky! After twelve weeks of living against a backdrop of nausea and fatigue, the clouds begin to part and, if you’re lucky, you will start to feel the warmth of the sun on your back. There is good reason why this is considered the honeymoon period of pregnancy. Obviously it is not the same for all women, but most describe this as a time of excitement and increasing confidence, as though they are regaining a footing and finding a sense of rhythm. Needless to say, this is all relative. From personal experience, I can confidently say that I have never seen my wife look so radiant as she did at that time. It is that infamous ‘glow’, as though the entire body is simply oozing new life. This is one of the potential upsides of the hormonal changes – better hydrated skin and luscious hair.

That doesn’t mean that the hormones totally settle down. The ups and downs will still be experienced and resident anxieties remain, but the mood swings are not so intense and, physically speaking, the hormones appear to be working
with
you rather than
against you.
These changes may come as a welcome surprise to the partner too, as your appetite for food and physical closeness tend to increase. In fact, with what seems like a constant state of sexual arousal, I don’t think many women will be complaining either! Emotionally speaking, most women also say it’s a time for more personal thought and reflection, as if the second trimester represents the calm after the storm, offering time for both contemplation and preparation in equal measure. Dr Amersi points out that the mind can be particularly active as we sleep: ‘It’s normal to experience vivid dreams that can be sexually explicit or sometimes nightmares that involve the baby – it’s just the mind’s way of processing the anxiety and excitement.’

If the pregnancy didn’t feel ‘real’ up to now, all of that is about to change with the first scan, sending you off on a whole new emotional journey in which a connection with your baby is more likely to take place. Between you and me, I’m a bit of a soppy bugger, so I can’t pretend there were no tears of joy when this grainy, scratchy, black-and-white image appeared on the screen. As for so many parents, the thing that really hit home was the sound of the heartbeat, like a silent movie brought to life. I remember looking at Lucinda and her face was a mix of joy, excitement, nervousness and disbelief. There was something beautifully pure and raw about it all, as if the entire world was on pause – no thoughts, no external noise – the only sound was that of our baby’s heart.

So, with all this going on downstairs, what’s happening up top? Well, for most women, a certain amount of restlessness has subsided, and the mind which previously analysed and anticipated every single eventuality, now focuses on just the primary concerns: ‘Will
I
get through this?’ ‘Will
we
get through this?’ ‘What are the chances of miscarriage?’ ‘Will our baby be healthy?’ These are big questions – real concerns – and so it’s no surprise that we seek additional support; whether it is from our partner, family, friends or health professionals, it is the mind looking for reassurance and comfort.

From a mindfulness perspective, this is a wonderful time in which dramatic changes can take place. In the same way that it is easier to learn to ride a bike when cycling along a flat, smooth surface, as opposed to tearing downhill through a forest, so it is easier to learn the practice when you have a little more mental space. There is usually a greater sense of interdependence at this time as well, a very real experience of just how interconnected we all are. This only adds to the conducive conditions, cultivating a mind which is open, flexible and compassionate.

It’s quite a rosy picture that I’m painting, and I know there will be women reading this who won’t be feeling this way and may well think,
Fine for you to say mate, you’re not having to carry around a baby for nine months!
True. And I wish it was different! But I have seen how simple exercises, such as the ones at the back of the book, can transform the experience of pregnancy and parenthood for many women. This is going to become more important than ever as you enter the transition between the second and third trimesters, as the brain seems to slow down and the fog descends.