The Guide to Getting It On (75 page)

CHAPTER

34

Talking about Sex

T
here’s one way that dogs do it, and one way that sheep do it. This is also true for elephants, lemurs and wildebeests. Unicorns need to be extra-careful when it comes to oral sex, and the female praying mantis eats her male sex partners—to death.

The animal with the greatest potential for a varied sex life is the human. Human brains are beefier, which means that our minds have extra room for thoughts about sex. This wouldn’t be so bad if we weren’t the only animals who have sex indoors and in private. We could watch our neighbors do it, and have plenty of clues about what to do ourselves. Instead, getting it on can be a mystery, or worse yet, we assume that porn is the right way.

This book attempts to shed light on the how-to part of that mystery. It describes tips and techniques for giving your partner monster amounts of pleasure. But it might be helpful to mention a few things about talking to your partner about sex.

Give and Take

People usually assume that if both partners are sexually excited, then all they need to do is get naked and good sex will follow. If only it were that easy. Consider the following quote from a 29-year-old kindergarten teacher (Chris is her husband):

“With Chris, I like having him in me, that warm good feeling. I’ve discovered I can ask for what I like, that there’s nothing wrong with wanting your nipples pulled taut. I’ve learned that keeping a vibrator by the bed is not a crime. I’ve learned that Chris can come, and then I can come, and we can both enjoy watching each other come—as opposed to having this simultaneous orgasm that’s supposed to move the world. If we have intercourse that’s fine, if we don’t that’s fine. Sometimes we come home weary from work and it’s: what do you want? Do you want to masturbate? Do you think you can focus enough for intercourse? It’s negotiation, which I never thought it would be. I always thought it would be this mystic experience, but it’s become a verbal experience.” —From Julia Hutton’s
Good Sex,
Cleis Press

While some couples have good sex from the start, other couples take months and sometimes years to find a satisfying groove. Most couples report that their sexual desire for each other waxes and wanes, although sometimes it just wanes.

Shame between the Sheets

Guilt and shame are fascinating emotions. We become sloppy and unmotivated without them, yet with too much guilt and shame we are at war with ourselves.

Plenty of us might do better in bed if we felt less guilt and shame about what turns us on sexually, assuming it does no harm to others. This is especially true for people who are too bashful to tell a partner what does and doesn’t feel good.

Unfortunately, we get sex survey after sex survey from people who feel shame about their sexuality, and especially about masturbation. Most seem to have been raised households that were highly religious and sexually conservative. If that’s the case for you, do your best to have conversations with your partners about it. Sometimes, getting a reality check from a lover can be extremely helpful.

Naked & Tongue-Tied

Consider the following conversation between two people who are about to have intercourse together for the first time:

“Uh, should I...?”

“I guess.”

“OK.”

That’s it. The intercourse begins. Fewer than ten words, most of them single syllables. Grunting cavemen were probably more expressive. And then there’s the prolific verbal exchange at the end of the event:

“That was really good.”

“Me too.”

While most of us aren’t too ashamed to have sex, plenty of us approach critical mass when it comes to talking about it. One problem has to do with the lack of a comfortable, shared vocabulary about sex. Many of us feel stuck between the rock of stiff Latin terminology and the hard place of sexual slang, for instance: “When I was giving you cunnilingus...” or “When I was eating out your pussy...” Neither feels particularly special or comfortable.

After Marriage — Grow or It May Die

Plenty of couples talk even less about sex after they’ve been married for a couple of years. The interest rate on your credit cards or replacing the kitchen cabinets garner more excitement than finding new things that turn each of you on. Sexual desires become hidden, and we sometimes feel embarrassed or shy about mentioning things that we would have stayed up all night trying a few years earlier.

After a while, sex has no room to grow. “I don’t want him to know THAT about me” becomes more powerful than “It might be exciting if he knew that about me!” Perhaps we have too much to lose if a partner disapproves, or maybe shame or humiliation get in the way.

Knowing vs. Asking

Imagine going to a restaurant where the chef served you whatever he or she felt like fixing instead of giving you a choice. Imagine a gardener who never asked, “How do you like your bushes trimmed?” Yet when it comes to sex, many of us assume that we know what our partner wants, or we clam up instead of giving feedback. Worse yet is the kind of attitude that is reflected in the following advice that
Teen Magazine
gave to its millions of girl readers:

“When you’re French kissing, it helps to let the guy take the lead. Part your lips gently, and let him explore your mouth with his tongue.”

Teen’s
smooch advice gives the impression that guys come out of the womb knowing how to French kiss. Don’t the editors of
Teen
realize that the average American male’s preparation for sex is jerking off to whatever comes up after hitting the “free tour” button on X-rated websites?

And why are guys always supposed to know what to do? Why aren’t men and women encouraged to explore sex together, teaching each other what feels good along the way? One way to avoid being a
Teen
type of lover is by learning to talk to your partner about sex, about what feels good and what doesn’t, and by exploring beyond what’s familiar. Unfortunately, that’s not always easy to do. That’s why it sometimes helps to use props.

What to Call It Besides “Down There”?

When talking to your partner about sex, it may help if you have a comfortable name or term for your genitals. For instance, a husband and wife who had a seriously contentious relationship were in sex therapy, and the wife was asked to give her vagina a special name. She called it “jewel box.” Considering how vicious they were with each other, she should have named it “Jaws.” Whatever you want to name your special spots is fine. Hopefully you will both be comfortable calling them that.

Learning to Speak

By discussing sex on a regular basis, you may be helping your partner feel more receptive when you suggest that he or she try something new. Fortunately, there are “props” that can make sex discussions easier and more fun.

For instance, you might say to your partner, “Let’s get a new book or magazine on sex every month.” These don’t need to be glossy jerk-off mags with the human crotch splayed wide, unless you are both into that. Consider explicit books from some of the better erotic photographers. Or you might pick up anthologies of erotic literature (smut with a college degree!); there are excellent collections out there. Browse through the erotica section of your local book store or visit an Internet bookstore and pump in author names like “Alison Tyler,” “Susie Bright,” “Marcy Sheiner,” “Violet Blue,” “Carol Queen” or “Rachel Kramer Bussel.”

You can always highlight parts of this book that you find meaningful and would like your partner to know about. Or you can read parts of it to each other. Whatever your choice, do what you can to find humor. It helps any discussion that might otherwise be filled with anxiety. Besides books and magazines, there are some really good sex videos and DVDs that range from informative to hot. When searching for erotic videos, you’ll find some winners and plenty of yawners.

Some couples find it fun to play board games that promote discussion about sex or physical exploration. The nice thing about these games is that none of the players are losers. Games to consider range from
Enchanted Evening
and
Romantic Rendezvous
to
Cosmo’s Steamy Sex Games.

There are also Internet magazines that publish interesting articles on sex. These can be great discussion starters. For instance, consider the following from the webzine
www.Cleansheets.com
:

“Why is it that some men just can’t deal with the idea that a smart, together, professional woman like me can actually deserve their respect and still want to be thrown down on the couch and pounded like a cheap steak now and then?” By Hanne Blank in
Clean Sheets Erotica Magazine

Prevention

Of course, you might say, “Our sex life is fine right now. We don’t need anything like that.” Hopefully, your luck will hold, but therapists often see couples who had great sex lives two to ten years earlier. Things break down when we take them for granted, and the process of getting them right is not always pretty or fun.

Recommended:

You can’t go wrong watching the excellent how-to videos from The Pleasure Mechanics with a partner. Not only will they help get some good conversations going, but they help the two of you focus on talking about how to give each other more sexual pleasure:
www.ThePleasureMechanics.com
.

For an excellent book on sex for yourself as well as an on-the-mark conversation starter to share with your partner:
Finding the Doorbell, Sexual Satisfaction for the Long Haul
by Cindy Pierce and Edie Thys Morgan, Nomad Press.

Veronica Monet’s
Sex Secrets of Escorts: Tips from a Pro
can be a fun couple’s read. Some great material for discussion.

For a perceptive and well-written article on the elements that make for great sex, see
Building Blocks Toward Optimal Sexuality: Constructing a Conceptual Model
by Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard, The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families.