The Guide to Getting It On (70 page)

“I hear my guy friends saying, ‘I hooked up with this girl last night’ and then add a number to it. However, when a guy asks me how many people I have slept with, I am ashamed to say eight. I feel like it is so high. However, then when you ask a guy he will proudly say twenty.”
female age 21

The double standard still exists, but the distance between the goal posts is not as far as it was generations ago when virginity was still a commodity. The new ridiculously arbitrary question is how many men a woman can sleep with before she’s slept with too many. One thing that hasn’t changed is how it’s women who are often the biggest enforcers of the double standard:

“Women who sleep around are very much put down by other women and men, but mostly put down by women. Men, on the other hand, are pressured and encouraged to sleep around.”
female age 21

“Girls are also calling girls sluts. We don’t like to be called it ourselves, but we use it to put down other women. It’s a vicious cycle.”
female age 22

Older Feminists Shake Their Heads in Disbelief

Some women assume that having casual sex is a sign of liberation. However, the old warhorse feminists might have some misgivings about this. It’s not the lack of commitment that would bother them or the needing to drink before having sex. They would have sympathized and perhaps offered some ganja or suggested you ditch the dick altogether and try a little muff.

What would have made them crazy was the idea of hooking up with an anonymous guy when you didn’t know how he voted in the last election. What if he was filling you up with his baby-making sperm but voted for politicians who want to end your freedom of choice and force you to have his child? What if he voted for politicians who are trying to shut down the Planned Parenthood clinic where you get your birth control?

When it comes to sexual freedom, being liberated means being able to make choices you are pleased with when you are sober, not ones you had to get drunk to make.

The Transformation of Dating

Dating underwent a huge transformation in the late 1800s and early 1900s. This was due in large part to massive changes in technology. (See more about this in Chapter 74:
Sex in the 1800s
.) Dating has undergone another transformation more recently, again due to changes in technology.

Another reason why dating has changed is that males and females are socializing more in mixed groups, so men and women don’t have to go out on a formal date to get to know each other better. Group texts and Tweets announce where people will be hanging out. You show up hoping the person you are interested in will be there. Then, if you want to get together, you message him or her instead of calling and asking for a date. This protects males from the hurt of asking a woman out and being turned down.

There’s also Facebook, which allows you to learn a great deal about someone without needing to speak with them. This can save time, but it can also be limiting. There can be a big difference between a person’s life on FB and life in the real world. As more than one student has commented:

“There’s your Facebook persona, your blog persona, your Tweet account... It’s all about how you want people to view you. You can be anyone you want to be. But who do you really know? Most of your ‘friends’ have never met you.”

Technology’s Impact on Relationships Today

The author asked a college instructor who uses
The Guide
in her sex-ed courses about relationships and casual sex. She turned it over to her class, and a very lively two-hour discussion followed. As you will see, the students are no strangers to casual sex. If their thoughts about relationships were summed up in a few words, it would be “confusion,” “too many options,” “not wanting to commit” and “social media as a barrier.”

In the students’ words:

“We’re impatient. We don’t want to miss anything, so we don’t take the time to really get to know anyone. We are always in ‘go mode.’ Maybe that’s why we hook up. There’s no energy left to do anything more complex.”

“There are no rules anymore, at least not that anyone agrees on. There is no social code, everything is open to interpretation and it’s all a gray haze.”

“There is no more formal ‘asking someone out.’ Rather, they group text a bunch of people about possible plans for that night and see who shows up. That way, the guys don’t have to ask one person out and face rejection. Plus, they don’t want to limit their options. OPTIONS MUST STAY OPEN UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!”

“Guys will google pick-up lines to text rather than trying to think on the spot. They also wonder, how soon do I text? If I call first am I coming on too strong? One male called a girl and she did not answer. He texted and she responded. She was afraid to talk on the cell. You meet, text and then see what happens.”

“We are so used to communicating via text or social media that we are socially stunted when it comes to one-on-one.”

“Texting is the easy way out. Plus, if you text, you can get help from friends on what to say, and how long to wait before you text back.”

“This girl essentially asked me what I was doing this weekend. So I sent her a message via Facebook. She accepted, but during this process I never once considered calling her. An abundance of secure choices have protected me from vulnerability: technology is the brick wall.”

“We have a hard time committing. All of these strange, unclear relationships exist that have no formal rules. It seems we are just using each other to have sex. At the same time we do share mutual feelings of romance and passion, yet we do not call ourselves boyfriend/girlfriend in any aspect of the word. There might be someone better out there, which is constantly suggested by our friend count on Facebook. It scares us out of committing to someone who could be inferior to the next bidder.”

“It’s better to keep it simple and casual so it’s easier to detach when the inevitable moving on occurs.”

“I’ve had the stereotypical ‘who is this girl next to me?’ mornings. Although those have not been my best decisions, I’ve learned from each one. But some people get very confused. My most recent ‘friends with benefits’ relationship went spiraling into disaster when she got too clingy and tried acting like a long-term girlfriend. At the same time, I’ve found that girls are as likely to want sex-only relationships as guys.”

“I’ve been with easier girls for random nights of sex, but there’s nothing better than a girl who does not mind spending a Saturday night in the library studying. They tend to be more responsible, trustworthy, and able to have an intelligent conversation that does not include alcohol, drugs, blackout, and vomiting.”

“I can’t imagine calling seven girls and having insightful conversations with them all; however, I can imagine texting seven girls the same thing at once. This form of impersonal communication has replaced the art of conversation and serves as a way to avoid potentially stressful interaction.”

“Relationships are complicated and the rules are puzzling. I have a hard time figuring them out. We have Facebook, Twitter, texting, IM, Skype, and iChat. Most of our communicating is done through a screen. There are hardly any face-t0-face interactions, unless you are wasted at a party, and in most of those situations, you’re looking for someone to hook up with that night.”

“We’re making up the rules as we go along, pretending we don’t have feelings. We’re sex-fueled young adults trying to figure out who we are by sleeping with as many people as we can.”

“When trying to ask a girl out, I need to Facebook friend her. Once she accepts, I write her a comment about something that happened when we first met. If she responds in a positive way, I send her another comment saying we should meet up the next time both of us go out. If she responds with a yes, then I ask for her number and give her mine. After the numbers have been exchanged, I will text her during the evening of the day I plan on going out. She can then take this wherever she wants to: sex, kissing, just a hug at the door. If things go well, I ask her via text when I can see her again, because calling comes off too strong and can be seen as creepy. When I have tried calling or skipping one of these steps, I have failed. I believe this routine is somewhat messed up. The structure is flawed.”

Starting with a Date vs. Casual Sex

Dating still occurs and is still important, especially for people who are getting near the dangerously old age of twenty-five, as they are getting their first full-time job or becoming more established in the working world. (If you are at that point in life, be sure to read Chapter 32:
Sex with a Coworker
.)There is also an in between kind of dating or “dating adjacent” that’s a hazy area between dating and casual sex. It’s where two people are checking each other out as possible relationship material. It’s like an interview with your clothes off.

Dating is seldom as formal as it used to be, nor is it the major social event it once was. But in a world where people increasingly talk on computer displays and through texts, dating can feel as stressful as ever. Not only do you have to make eye contact and use your tongues instead of your thumbs, but it’s hard to edit before you press the “speak” button.

Dating Roles Remain the Same

“Girls want to be on the same playing field as the boys, but when it comes to paying, asking out, approaching, calling and everything like that, a lot of girls still want the boys to be the initiator.”
female age 22

With dating, there are still well defined male-female roles, although they don’t exactly scream at you like they used to. One defined role is that it’s usually the guy who does the asking out, although that is often massaged and manipulated through interventions ranging from friends encouraging him to text her, to strategies on the part of the woman who wants to see him. He might think that getting together was his idea, but sometimes it isn’t.

Alcohol & Awkward, Horny & Excited—But Not “Abusive” or “Pain”

We interviewed a number of women for this chapter. The two words they used most often in describing casual sex were
alcohol
and
awkward,
but
horny
and
excited
were up there as well. In more than 25 pages of transcripts,
love
was used only twice, and that was regarding current boyfriends as opposed to former hooking-up partners. C
omfort, comforting
and
uncomfortable
were used often.
Abusive, unhappy,
and
pain
were not used at all. When it comes to casual sex, the kind of emotions the women value in a long-term relationship are not a big part of it—nor are the emotions they dread.