The Guide to Getting It On (135 page)

When your child is a few years older, you can explain that puberty is a process that takes a couple of years to complete and that it usually starts to happen for girls when they turn 10 or 11 and for boys when they turn 12 or 13. Let them know that puberty is a little like the repair people from the phone company: sometimes they arrive when they’re supposed to, sometimes they are late, and occasionally they get there before you expected. You can mention that puberty is the time when girls start to menstruate and boys start to ejaculate when they have orgasms, and that everyone’s genitals start to look more adult-like (bigger and hairier).

Kids can be awfully cruel toward other kids who are in the throes of puberty. Let your child know that you will ring his or her neck if they ever make fun of another kid whose body starts to change sooner than theirs, or if they taunt a kid who is really late.

Menstrual Bleeding

“Puberty was not a really big deal for me. I read
Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret,
so I knew what my period was when I got it, although my mom never bothered to tell me.”
female age 25

“I was afraid that I would just start bleeding sometime and that it might go through my clothes and I would be embarrassed.”
female age 49

“My first period was a celebration. I was at my friend’s house and I noticed bleeding between my legs. I rushed home to tell my mother, fully aware I was having my period. She was thrilled, and we went out to dinner to celebrate.”
female age 18

The only time when many parents mention sex to their daughters is while explaining menstruation. What an unfortunate association, bleeding and sex. Now it’s even worse, as the first thing young girls often hear about sex from their parents is a warning of sexual abuse.

As children, we learn that blood is a sign of bodily injury. We are never told that some bleeding is good for us. So when girls start menstruating, the blood that drips from their vulvas is often equated by the unconscious mind with injury or internal damage. When explaining menstruation, girls should be informed that the bleeding which comes during their menstrual periods is a good thing, and that menstruation is the body’s way of keeping the walls of their reproductive organs clean and fresh.

Girls are now menstruating at ages 12 or 13; their grandmothers started menstruating when they were three to four years older. The bodies of these young girls are more developed than their grandmothers’ were at the same ages, but their emotional development is about the same. This means they will need plenty of encouragement and support from their parents in negotiating the puberty process, especially if they begin menstruating earlier or later than most of their friends.

Growing Girls

Young girls tend to be very self-conscious about physical changes, especially around fathers and brothers, so don’t be talking about tampons and training bras when the guys are around. If they mature earlier than their friends, you’ll need to be aware that other girls might shun them and boys might tease them. Keep reminding them that things will be fine in a couple of years when everybody else has started to mature. Make sure they are involved in activities like sports, science, 4-H—anything where value is placed on their achievements and abilities.

If your child is comparing herself in negative ways to actresses on TV, let her know that many of the allegedly “perfect” girls on TV are, for the most part, self-absorbed lunatics who think nothing of barfing up a perfectly good meal so they won’t get “fat.” These are people who have more surgery than a BMW in a Tijuana chop shop, and in spite of the stories that their publicists send to
People Magazine,
few have off-screen lives that are particularly happy. Double ditto for models who are in magazines like
Seventeen
and
Cosmo.

Teenagers & Sex

“I used to pretend my friend Heather was another boy that I liked in school in fifth grade and we would touch each other’s vulvas and breasts and have a lot of fun until my Mom found out and sent me to a psychiatrist for being a lesbian!”
female age 24

If you ask a group of 16-year-olds if they are emotionally ready to have sex, most will say yes. If you ask their parents whether their 16-year-olds are emotionally ready to have sex, most will say no. Chances are your teenagers do not view sex the way you wish they would.

As a parent, you can’t expect a teenager to be verbal about sex just because you have suddenly decided to offer wise counsel. Having an open dialogue about sex is an option that some parents lost when the child was 3 to 5 years old. If mom and dad ignored the existence of sexual feelings back then, it might be very uncomfortable for the child who is now a teenager to suddenly start talking about sex. If there is tension between you and your teen, or if the kid is engaged in reckless acting-out behavior, you might do better to solicit the help of a favorite aunt, uncle, teacher or therapist to whom the teen is more apt to open up to. And if there are problems, you will need to become more involved in their lives than you might currently be.

For a discussion with your teens about porn, please see Chapters 29 and 30:
The Fairy Pornmother
and
Porndoggie’sDirty Dozen
. For sexting and other online issues, see Chapter 64:
“Send me a hot pic” For Parents of Teens
.

When Teenagers Ask on Their Own

Let’s say your teenager asks you a question about sex: “How do you know if you’re gay?” or “What if you get so nervous before having sex that you feel like throwing up?” or “Would I have to leave home if I got pregnant?” Don’t assume that she or he is thinking about being gay, is about to have sex or is pregnant. Maybe your kid heard something on the TV or radio and is putting him or herself in the other person’s place.

Try to respond by saying things that will help expand the question into a discussion, such as “What are your thoughts about that?” or “I’ll be able to give you a better answer if you could tell me more about your question.” This buys you precious time, which parents can never have enough of when being asked questions about sex, and it helps you squelch any potential screams that are about to explode from the depths of your parental craw.

You might take solace from the following words by one of the top sex educators in the country, Debra Haffner: “Like most parents, I have found myself at a loss for words when a question I never expected popped up. There have been times when I have responded in ways that I later regretted. I struggled with how to respond to my daughter when she asked about the Bobbit case, and then about Michael Jackson, and Monica Lewinsky.”

Don’t think that you need to come up with perfect answers. The most important thing is to provide an atmosphere where the child can ask questions and know that it’s OK to think out loud about sex.

Wouldn’t It Be Nice If...

Perhaps these questions can act as guides in helping your child think about what they might want from sex.

• Why does this person want to have sex with me? Is it fun, romance, a personal quest?
  
• Does having sex mean something different to him or her than it does to me?
  
• Do I know what it feels like in my body to be sexually excited?
  
• Do I want to have sex because I am physically excited about it, or is it just to please a partner or to keep him or her interested in me?
  
• What kind of stimulation does a woman need before intercourse so it feels good?
  
• Are there ways we could please each other sexually without having intercourse?
  
• How do I say no to someone who is pestering me for a date, or no to sex without feeling like a coward or geek?
  
• If we do have sex, how do I get genuine feedback from my partner about what felt good and what didn’t? How do I tell him or her what feels good and what doesn’t for me?
  
• Will I feel good about myself the next day?
  
• Who sticks what into where when we have intercourse, and how can we do it in ways that will make it feel better?
  

What would we do if we had intercourse and became pregnant? To whom would we turn? How would we tell our parents? Would we face it together? Am I ready to be a parent? No kid should begin dating without seriously discussing questions about pregnancy with his or her parents.

Toward Higher Expectations

The mere thought of asking an 11-year-old what qualities she would want in a sexual partner would send most American parents racing to the bathroom for a hit of Tagamet or Imodium. But let’s think about it. If you as a parent don’t introduce the notions of chivalry and respect in sex, where else are your children going to learn them? From MTV?

There is nothing wrong with talking to your child about the difference between a partner who’s just trying to get laid and one who is going to be a caring and loving sexual companion. For instance, does a partner who is going to be a respectful lover say, “I won’t go out with you anymore if we can’t have intercourse?” Is he or she responsible and caring toward family and friends? Are his or her friends good people? Do they drink or get loaded a lot? And what about introducing the expectation that a truly desirable partner is one who is trustworthy and dependable and says things such as, “I’d really like to please you. What can I do?”

Of course, none of this is going to stop your kid from shacking up with one of the local Hell’s Angels, but it does kick into motion the idea that an important part of self-respect means choosing your sexual partners carefully. With enough intelligent concern and involvement on your part, your kid may even search out a sexual partner who has some of the characteristics and values that you do. Hopefully that’s a good thing.

Condom Advice — For Teenage Boys

Give your teenage boy a couple of condoms and a tube of lube, saying that these are for him to put on when he’s alone to see what it feels like. If you have a straightforward relationship with him, you might suggest that he try masturbating with a condom on, which is the condom equivalent of taking a test drive. Tell him to pay attention to how long it takes after he ejaculates before his penis starts to shrink and the condom gets baggy. That’s how much time he has to pull out; otherwise the condom might stay in his partner’s vagina. Tell him that the shrinking-penis factor is why he needs to clasp the condom around the base of his penis as he is pulling out. Maybe you could try reading the instructions together. Let him know that the lube is to put on the outside of the condom to help it slip and slide better when he is having intercourse.

Condom Advice — For Teenage Girls

Give your daughter a couple of condoms, a tube of lube and a penis-sized banana. Tell her that one of the condoms is for her to practice putting on the banana; the others are for whatever she wants to do with them. If you have an open relationship with her, try putting the condom on the banana together. This should result in a number of giggles and laughs. If it doesn’t, you’re being way too serious. Explain that the condom material comes out of the center of the ring as she rolls it onto a guy’s penis. Also explain that as soon as a guy ejaculates, his penis starts to shrink. This means that she should clasp the condom with her fingers and push it against the base of his penis as he withdraws so he won’t leave it inside her. Let her know that it never hurts to put a little lube on the outside of the condom before having intercourse. This will help it slip and slide better. Maybe you can try reading the condom instructions together.

You should be sure that she has a prescription for morning-after birth control pills, and that you and she have discussed that this is important to take right away if something strange happened with the condom, or if she is worried that it didn’t work right. Seem more in the chapter on birth control.

By the way, teenage girls who know what kind of birth control their mother uses are more likely to use birth control themselves.

Odds’N’Ends

• If you have a son, make sure he’s got a big box of Kleenex next to his bed, and when it’s all used up in three days don’t make smart remarks like “I didn’t know you had such a bad cold.” Better you have to stock up on Kleenex than he is out knocking up some young thing.
  
• If your child begins to wash his or her own underwear or pajamas, be sure they have proper information about menstruation, masturbation and wet dreams. While most of us know what happens when boys ejaculate, we forget that some teenage girls get major wet spots in their underwear when they become sexually excited.
  
• Abstinence-only programs do not significantly delay the onset of intercourse. Unfortunately, the entire “just say no” approach had no significant impact on drug use, and it works about as well on teenagers as it does on adults. If you don’t want them to be doing this or that, get them involved in activities that will fill their time.
  
• Let your kids know that it’s fine to wait until they are older before having sex with a partner and that masturbation is what you do in the meantime, which is why we humans have two more fingers than ET.
  
• Inform them that what they see on TV about sex is usually pretty twisted, exaggerated and outright incorrect, unless they’re watching reruns of
  Married With Children
  .