The Guide to Getting It On (68 page)

#5. You Never Need to Ask

Porndoggie:
Women don’t respect a man who can’t take charge. Women like a confident man who doesn’t need to ask.

ANALYSIS:
“Asking” is relegated to the fringes of porn, such as when a submissive in BDSM says, “May I please kiss master’s penis?”

REAL LIFE:
It’s always been a challenge to suggest that lovers need to ask each other what they feel like doing or if adjustments need to be made. But porn takes the “don’t ask, don’t tell” aspect of lovemkaing to an extreme even though, as porn actress Nina Hartley says in her book on sex, a millimeter can make all the difference when it comes to the clitoris. Now, in addition to men thinking they should automatically know what women want, there’s no shortage of women who feel it’s the man’s job to magically know how to please them.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
If a man were able to read minds, wouldn’t his time be better spent at a casino? For the rest of us, there is the reality that no two women respond in the exact same way. Nor will one woman necessarily respond on Friday as she did on Monday. Asking and seeking feedback are the cornerstones of being a good lover, except in porn.

#6. You Get to Fuck a Woman’s Face

Porndoggie:
Women in porn enjoy a good face fucking. Most women find it comforting to have a penis in their mouths, delivered by a man who knows how to take control.

ANALYSIS:
In porn, the man often grabs the sides of a porn actress’s head and thrusts his penis as far as he can down her throat. There is often a look of deadness or fear on the faces of porn actresses as this is happening.

REAL LIFE:
Most women despise it when men grab their heads and thrust their penises down their throats. They say it is more egregious than going down on a man with smelly balls.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
If you are lucky enough to be receiving oral sex, go out of your way to make sure your partner feels in complete control and never gags.

#7. Lots of Girl-on-Girl

Porndoggie:
What’s better than watching a girl tongue another girl’s pussy?

ANALYSIS:
When women are having sex with women, they usually aren’t doing it for the pleasure of men, except for drunk college girls who are kissing and groping each other’s breasts to up their status with college guys. In much of porn, the sex that women have with women is choreographed to fit a straight man’s fantasy. (Lesbians with long nails; really?) Not many lesbians consider the sex that’s shown in mainstream porn to actually be sex. In porn, the women usually end up with a penis after they’ve had their token sex with another woman. Otherwise, the message might be that a woman can please a woman better than a porn actor with his really big penis! Also, while straight porn usually shows women having sex with women, if a man so much as touches another man’s penis, the porn is called bisexual or gay.

REAL LIFE:
If you are a woman who is interested in experimenting sexually with another woman, the sex that women have in straight porn is probably not your best guide.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
The sex that women have with each other in porn is often part of a threesome, with the male being the third. If this is something you are interested in exploring, try reading this book’s chapter on threesomes.

#8. Pussies without Flaps

Porndoggie:
Women in porn have the perfect pussies.

ANALYSIS:
Way more women want to be in porn than porn has room for. So porn producers are able to select women with smaller inner labia or women who have had labiaplasty. This has little to do with pleasure in real life, and everything to do with the camera.

REAL LIFE:
It’s highly unlikely that a guy has bright studio lights shining between his lover’s legs and is staring at her crotch the entire time they are having sex. While some men might prefer women with inner labia that are less pronounced, others might prefer women with labia that are larger. Such is life. It might depend on how much time a man’s face is between his partner’s legs, although it’s unlikely to be important then.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
Labia come in all shapes and sizes. Inner labia get thicker when a woman is sexually aroused. They also have nerves that can feel delighted when they are gently caressed and tugged. Also, if you are in an intercourse position where you can watch, it can be fun watching larger inner labia hugging the sides of a penis as it goes in and out.

#9. Men Have Man-Sized Meat

Porndoggie:
If you have to look at another guy’s dick, it might as well be a decent size. Plus, a thick dick leaves a nice gaping hole for the camera to look into.

ANALYSIS:
Porn actor penis size falls in the top 1% to 10% of all men. Equally impressive is the control over erections and ejaculations that porn actors have, although drugs like Viagra often play a role.

REAL LIFE:
Average penis size is around 5 to 5.5 inches when erect, give or take. The thickness varies. So does the shape, head size, color, angle of erection, ball size, and number of visible veins on the shaft. As for having erections that are always reliable, shit happens.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
Most men who compare themselves to porn actors are going to come up short. And most women who think their men should measure up to porn-actor dimensions will often be disappointed.

#10. You Get to Call Women Bitches and Whores

Porndoggie:
Women like it when you talk dirty to them!

ANALYSIS:
Women often like it when a partner tells them how hot they look, how much he wants to be inside of them, how good it feels to be inside of them, that they give the best blow jobs ever, that their pussies smell sweet, that they’ve got great legs or tits, that they’re incredibly sexy, and that he’d probably die if he couldn’t be with them. This is very different from calling them names.

REAL LIFE:
There’s a big difference between talking dirty and being a bastard.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
By all means, say sexy thing to her, but don’t insult or demean her unless she tells you that sort of thing turns her on.

#11. Women Always Come

Porndoggie:
Women really get off in porn. You can tell.

ANALYSIS:
One of the reasons a lot of women don’t like porn is that they can tell the porn actresses are faking—faking being turned on, faking it feels good, and faking orgasms. And seriously, how can you enjoy sex when everything from the positions you are in to the way you have to hold your legs apart is for the best camera angle?

REAL LIFE:
If the main reason women had sex was for orgasms, most would use their fingers or vibrators. Women in real life often need a good deal of time and specific types of stimulation to orgasm when they are with a partner. They also need to be highly aroused. None of this happens in porn. Some women in real life who have orgasms during intercourse often do so by grinding their clitoris against their lover’s pelvic bone. Good luck convincing a porn producer and cameraman to allow that. Some women also come by rubbing their clitoris during intercourse, which seems to be allowed in porn some of the time. Couples who are making love in real life like to hug and feel each other’s skin. In porn, skin-to-skin contact gets in the way of the camera’s view of the woman’s crotch.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
Make sex about pleasure instead of orgasms and you’ll be lightyears ahead of the game! Never ask your partner if she came as a way of reassuring yourself that you are a studly lover—it will seriously annoy her. Realize that your partner might be more aroused by your brushing her hair than by having picture-perfect sex and you’ll be on your way to having a great sex life. You’ll see little of this happening in porn, but it’s what helps a lot of women enjoy having sex with their partners.

#12. You Can See Everything and It’s Totally Intense

Porndoggie:
Not only do they have more kinds of sex in porn, but you get to see it all up close. Really up close.

ANALYSIS:
Porn offers much more visual variety than sex in real life. In addition to the close-ups and bright lights, porn actresses will often do things that prostitutes won’t. That’s because the only thing porn has to turn you on with besides the soundtrack (which a lot of people mute) is what you can see with your eyes. So everything about porn needs to push the limits visually. To help with this, the focus in porn will often ping pong between the woman’s crotch and her face. Her expressions help reassure viewers that whatever is being done between her legs is giving her insane amounts of pleasure. Even amateur porn, which is supposed to be more life-like, is often an imitation of mainstream porn. Otherwise viewers would turn to something that’s more explicit and has a faster pace.

REAL LIFE:
Compare the types of stimulation in porn to making love with the lights off and with a lover who doesn’t make lots of noise. There’s also a massive difference between sitting in a chair stroking your penis and feeling your partner’s entire body on top of yours or having to prop yourself up on your elbows so you aren’t putting too much pressure on her. Also, how often are you staring between your partner’s legs when you’re making love?

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
Watching porn can be fun, instructive, and hot. It can be a way to treat yourself when your partner is having her night out with her girlfriends. It can also be helpful to watch porn with a lover and have her tell you what parts she likes and what parts she doesn’t like. But do try to keep it in perspective, because it really is a much different experience than what happens when you are making love in real life.

Wait—It’s a Baker’s Dozen!

#13. No Condoms in Porn!

Porndoggie:
Porn actors get exams every month and don’t need to worry about sexually transmitted infections. Plus they never get pregnant except for preggo porn and lactating porn.

ANALYSIS:
The porn industry has been fighting tooth and vagina against regulatory requirements that porn actors wear condoms. So it makes sense that the porn spin machine might want people to believe that the rate of sexually transmitted infections in porn is incredibly low because porn actors are supposed to test for sexually transmitted infections every 30 days. Yet according to a study in the
Journal of Sexually Transmitted Infections,
the incidence of chlamydia and gonorrhea among porn actors is much greater than in the general population. Female porn actors are more likely to have more reinfections than other women, which is a concern given how reinfections can impact a woman’s reproductive system. Also, the porn industry does not require porn actors to have tests for rectal or throat-related sexually transmitted infections, nor are porn actors tested for herpes, HPV, Trichomonas, hepatitis A, B and C,or bacterial vaginosis.

REAL LIFE:
Read this book’s chapter “Gnarly Sex Germs.” Seriously. Porn actors, like anyone else who is having casual sex, should be wearing condoms. They also need to be just as concerned about birth control as the rest of us.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
A big advantage in staying home and jerking off to porn is you don’t need to worry about pregnancy and getting STIs. However, what you see in porn should never be generalized to sex in real life, where STIs are rampant and pregnancy is only an ovulation away.