The Guide to Getting It On (132 page)

“I wanted sex more, and felt more free.”
female age 44

“I was extremely horny during my pregnancy and I felt very sexy until the last month or two.”
female age 26

“I was constantly horny when I wasn’t nauseous.”
female age 35

“I viewed her expanding body as just more to love, hold & caress.”
male age 41

“Intercourse can hurt toward 39-40 weeks when the baby’s head is lower. Sometimes foreplay was just as satisfying.”
female age 25

“I was more horny than anything. Because of the pregnancy, we needed to start using new positions. Some worked so well that we are still using them today.”
female age 25

“We didn’t do anything different, except we didn’t have to use rubbers. Yea!”
female age 38

“Don’t worry about the baby. If it is firmly implanted, no orgasm will dislodge it.”
female age 35

“If anything, I admired her more for being able to ‘do’ a pregnancy. It’s a real turn-on to feel an essential part of one.”
male age 43

“Sex felt extremely good and multiple orgasms happened all the time. They would sneak up on me. Things would be feeling good and if I concentrated hard I could have another and another.”
female age 26

“My wife seemed to be more lubricated, which was great. She seemed more relaxed also.”
male age 38

“Be gentle, be considerate, encourage her to lead. As for sex after the baby’s born, that depends on whether she’s in a private room or not.”
male age 40

Sex after the kids are born?

“Sex after the kids are born? Baby-sitters, movies for kids, grandmother’s house and motel rooms....”
male age 44

“Lock the door, turn the music up, and put on
The Lion King.”
male age 39

“When you’ve got kids, bedtime is the most convenient time for sex, but it’s not always the most exciting time for me. If I wake up early and am horny, I wake my husband up, which is something he loves, to have sex when he’s just waking up.”
female age 45

“You have to make it clear they can’t interrupt. Sometimes I’m just very up front with what we are doing and she knows not to come in.”
female age 25

Recommended:

Love in the Time of Colic
by Ian Kerner and Heidi Raykeil, Collins Living, 2009. This book was written by authors who are astute, thoughtful and very smart. It is an excellent place to begin for new parents who are having trouble getting back into the sexual swing of things.

After the Stork: The Couple’s Guide to Preventing and Overcoming Postpartum Depression
by Sara Rosenquist, Ph.D., New Harbinger Publications, 2010. The title of this book says “couples” and it means couples. The author speaks about depressed dads as much as moms, and is very sensitive to both. Any couple struggling with depression after the birth of a child will find helpful information in this book.

Pregnant Porn? Trust the amazing Nina Hartley to round up not one but two very pregnant porn stars to create one of porn’s more intelligent and helpful DVDs:
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Great Sex during Pregnancy
.

A great big bundle of thanks to Rachel Pauls, MD, FACOG, Urogynecologist and Director, Center for Female Sexual Health at Good Sam in Cincinnati.

CHAPTER

62

Abortion, Adoption

A
large percentage of women who get abortions were using contraceptives at the time of intercourse. That’s because even the best contraceptives occasionally fail, or sometimes a condom breaks, or sometimes we forget to take a pill. If you are pregnant and not prepared to raise a child, there are at least two options: abortion and adoption.

What If You Just Found Out You Are Pregnant and Didn’t Want to Be?

There are plenty of people who will offer advice. Some of it will be helpful. One of your challenges will be in finding someone who will listen and help you think things out instead of needing to tell you what to do. In addition to talking to your partner, you might try to find a level-headed friend, family member, doctor, nurse or teacher who you trust. And call your local Planned Parenthood. They deal with this all of the time and can be helpful.

The one thing you want to avoid are “crisis pregnancy centers.” These are often run by anti-abortion groups and they have a very specific agenda.

There are many people who have opted for abortion and many who have had unplanned children. Most will tell you that they did the right thing. Whichever way you decide, keep in mind that millions of people have had to face the exact same thing that you are— even though you may feel like the loneliest person on the face of the earth.

In case you are wondering about the emotional aspects of having an abortion, studies show that most women who have abortions don’t report an increase in depression (as a group) for any more than a week or two after the abortion, if that. One of these studies was funded by a very biased agency that was hoping to find the opposite result. On the other hand, your own personal beliefs might not allow for abortion, in which case your options will be whether to raise the baby yourself or give it up for adoption. There are plenty of agencies that will help with the latter, but not many that will help the parent of an unplanned child who is trying to raise it on her own.

Please be aware that some of the strongest anti-abortion proponents are highly supportive while you are still pregnant, but are quite stingy and punitive when it comes to helping the unmarried mom of a toddler or older child. To many of these groups, your value is in being the vessel that is incubating the unborn child. Once the baby is born, they won’t want to have anything to do with you.

Whether you choose to have an abortion or to have the baby, it’s important that you make your mind up as soon as possible. Many people who are faced with unwanted pregnancies are indecisive and don’t act as soon as they might. If they opt for an abortion, it is sometimes later in the pregnancy when the procedure might be more complicated. And if they decide to have the baby, they sometimes don’t go for prenatal care until later in the pregnancy. This is especially true for teenagers, and it places them at high risk. Delaying prenatal care will endanger both yourself and your baby.

If you decide to keep the baby, make sure you have a support system in place to help after the baby is born.

A Special Note on Giving Your Baby Up for Adoption

There are thousands of loving couples who can’t have a baby of their own and desperately want to adopt one. These couples tend to have been married for quite a while. Most have stable homes, good relationships and solid incomes. They will give your child a lifetime of love and care. Unfortunately, many of these couples must wait as long as seven years before they can adopt a baby, since not many single parents are giving their babies up for adoption these days. Part of the problem is that younger moms are often encouraged by their nonpregnant peers to keep the baby (easy for friends to say!). Unwed moms often have the unrealistic fantasy that keeping the baby will make their lives better, or that the baby’s father will want to marry them. This seldom happens.

One of the nice things about adoption in this day and age is that the pregnant mom gets to interview the couples who want to adopt her baby. She gets to decide which couple she wants to raise the baby. That way she will know her baby is being raised and loved by people she likes.

If you have medical questions or want to schedule an appointment with the nearest Planned Parenthood, call toll-free 1-800-230-PLAN.

CHAPTER

63

Explaining Sex to Kids

L
et’s say that little Billy has gone shopping with his dad for the afternoon and you steal half an hour to lie on your bed with stereo headphones bolted to your ears, eyes closed and fingers massaging a very important place between your legs. You are all alone and the sensations begin to feel wonderful. Next thing you know, the headphones are being yanked off your head by little Billy, who is asking, “Mommy, what color napkins were we supposed to get for the birthday party?”

Or perhaps you assume that Mariah is fast asleep and you begin enjoying an all-too-rare moment of sex when a little hand suddenly taps you on the shoulder and you hear the words, “Daddy, how come Mommy’s sucking on your penis?”

The pages that follow don’t pretend to have all the answers about children and sex; they are simply a way of getting you to think about the subject before most parents do, which is sometimes too late for an effective response. Topics range from talking about genitals and masturbation to menstruation, sex play and even sex on the internet.

Children’s Sexual Development

People often think of sex as something that happens once we become teenagers. Not true. Most of us started having sexual feelings when we were babies. Each time someone changed our diapers and powdered our private parts we had sexual feelings in the most basic sense—nice physical sensations down where the Pampers go.

As children get a few years older, they often enjoy playing sex games with friends and relatives, same sex or otherwise. Sometimes they just compare and contrast; other times they enjoy doing things that big people do, like sucking on each other’s genitals. Occasionally they might explore by sticking fingers, penises and heaven knows what else up each other’s front and rear ends. Eventually you might encounter a third-grade child who’s sitting there with both hands in his or her pants, happily rubbing away, while claiming how yucky it would be to ever kiss on the lips.