The Guide to Getting It On (54 page)

As for why the ejaculate goes in thick but drips out thin, you can find the answer in Chapter 6:
Semen Confidential
.

Top Dog

It has been said that people who always need to be on top during intercourse are insecure, while people who have it more together are happy to switch off. If this is true, then intercourse is no different from life in general. What’s probably more true is that the couple has tried it both ways and likes it better with the top on top.

Also, feminists claim that intercourse usually follows a prostitute model of sex— once the male comes, the sex is over. If that’s true in your relationship, a workaround is in order. Perhaps you can work on ways to help the woman get her share of pleasure before the man comes.

On Not Pulling Out

Staying inside your sweetheart after the thrusting is done can sometimes feel magical. Since most men lose their erections after coming, the two of you need to keep the fading member in while getting comfortable enough to stay in each other’s arms. Some couples like to fall asleep this way. The desire to stay inside your sweetheart after ejaculation is one of the downsides of using a condom. A man who is wearing a condom needs to pull out soon after he’s come. Otherwise he might leave the rubber inside his partner.

Missed the Train Again

Men who have trouble coming tend to pump faster during intercourse, hoping this will provide extra stimulation to help them ejaculate. This is a bad idea. The rapid thrusting desensitizes the penis, and it’s possible the female partner won’t be able to walk right for a few days afterward. For more information, see Chapter 55:
Delayed Ejaculation
.

Passive Intercourse vs. Masturbation

Let’s say a woman wakes up at 5:00 a.m., horny as can be, and would like to have intercourse. Her partner, on the other hand, is not a morning person and is pretty much comatose until noon. Assuming he’s just slow to rise and not an early-morning grouch, he might allow her to stimulate his penis to a point of erection, or maybe he’s already got an early-morning (REM-state) hard-on. They then have intercourse in a position where he can be passive while she is active, or she massages her clitoris while his penis is inside of her. In a sense, she is using his penis as a dildo.

Or let’s say it’s nearly midnight and this woman’s partner is feeling sexually amped, but she is pretty much dead to the world. She doesn’t mind his using her vagina for intercourse, but doesn’t want to have to be into it either. So she rolls on her side and allows him to have rear-entry intercourse.

Ah, you might say, why didn’t the horny partner just masturbate instead of bothering the one who is zoned out? Sometimes a partner honestly doesn’t mind being “used” for sex as long as he or she isn’t expected to get all turned on. He or she might even enjoy the other’s pleasure. However, it is essential that the passive partner feels comfortable saying, “Naw, not now,” and the horny partner should be willing to masturbate. And it requires a sex life that is fairly rich at other times, given how an entire diet of passive sex might leave the active partner feeling unvalued or the passive partner feeling used.

What’s the Frequency, Dan?

When it comes to frequency of intercourse, people who ask, “What’s normal?” usually aren’t asking the right question. If you are in a relationship, good questions to be asking are, “Do we have intercourse as often as each of us likes?” “Do we have intercourse more often than one or both of us likes?” The reason these questions are more important than, “What’s normal?” is because the only thing that matters about sex is what feels best for you—whether it’s three times a day or three times a decade.

“Vaginal Wind”

When you ask women what’s your most embarrassing moment during sex, many will say it’s when they’ve had a vaginal fart. The official term for this is “vaginal flatulence,” although this type of acoustical event is more commonly known as a queef, beaver burp, muff music, or a fanny fart when the vagina in question belongs to a woman who is British.

As for the mechanics involved, think of the vagina as a bagpipe between a woman’ legs. Air can collect in the vagina during intercourse and then belch out. This can also happen during exercise or even yoga. When a vagina burps air and a penis is not involved, the medical name is “vaginal wind.”

Because there is no way a woman can contract the opening of her vagina to modulate the outflow of air, vaginal flatulence will sound more like a fog horn or tuba than a tea kettle. Some women are able to produce vaginal flatulence on command, with the adeptness of middle-schoolers in a burping contest. Unlike gas coming from the rear end, vaginal flatulence shouldn’t smell because vagina is merely spitting out air that’s accumulated inside of it rather than acting as a portal for methane and other foul winds. So if vaginal flatulence smells badly or is accompanied by discomfort other than from embarrassment, a woman should consult with a gynecologist.

It might be helpful to remember that the windy sounds are the result of the pleasure you were giving each other. If it really bothers you, you might experiment with different positions, or perhaps ear plugs. (Although vaginal flatulence is completely normal and happens naturally, a partner should never blow air into a woman’s vagina.)

Pillows under Your Parade

Don’t underestimate the power of a pillow under the rear to enhance intercourse. Changing the angle of the hips can dramatically change a person’s experience of intercourse. Experiment to find what placement might be good for you. If you like intercourse from the rear, keep a lookout for the right big pillow that will provide support and raise the woman’s rear end to an angle that is comfortable and inviting. The more humongous the pillow, the more fun. Experiment with bolsters and different kinds of cushions.

Environment

If intercourse is seeming a bit stale, it might help to scout out some new locations. It never hurts to try a four-star hotel in Europe, but most of us will need to consider other possibilities:

• The Kitchen:
  Always a fine place for intercourse until you have kids. Once the kids reach school age, the kitchen is game for an occasional nooner.
  
• The Yard:
  It’s a shame to spend all that time and money making the grass grow and never have sex on it.
  
• In Front of the Fireplace:
  There’s nothing quite like doing it in front of the fireplace, until they deliver wet pine instead of seasoned oak and a slew of hissing, burning embers showers your naked back and rear end.
  
• In Water:
  Hot tubs, bathtubs, pools, and other large bodies of water can be great places for people to do all sorts of nasty things. But intercourse in water provides its own unique hazard because water washes away natural lubrication. One solution is a silicone-based lubricant. Why hot-tub manufacturers don’t include samples of silicone-based lubes is beyond us. Another solution is to bury the penis inside the vagina while both sets of organs are outside the water. To help facilitate underwater hand play and sexual groping, coat your genitals with something oily while they are still dry-docked.
  
• Sex at the Office:
  Sex at the office often has the right elements of risk and mischievous fun. One reader is a commercial-real-estate agent who has keys to some of the finest offices in all of Los Angeles. When he and his girlfriend want a dramatic change of scenery, they visit the upper floors.
  
• Candlelight:
  An old standby for erotic ambiance is candlelight. Make sure that the candle wax doesn’t drip on your carpet, because it will cost you a fortune to have it commercially removed. (A reader kindly comments: fold up a paper towel a few times and place it over the cooled wax on the carpet. Then put a warm to hot iron on top of the towel. It will melt the wax into the towel and the carpet is wax-free! Another reader cautions that some types of candleholders get hot enough to scorch furniture.)
  

Extra Odds’N’Ends

• Some couples enjoy it greatly when the woman uses a vibrator during intercourse. The sensations can be very pleasing for both partners. This can work in any number of the usual positions, or you can get artsy and try doing it like the couple in the illustration in the sex-toys chapter.
  
• A woman who is on top and facing a man’s feet can watch his penis go in and out of her vagina, especially with a mirror. She can reach forward and play with his toes or testicles.
  
• Rear-entry positions allow the head of the penis to focus on different parts of the vagina than missionary positions do. Rear entry also provides extra padding, which can be welcome if one or both of you is really bony.
  
• Rather than thrusting, some couples find that rocking back and forth with a penis inside feels pleasant.
  
• Some couples take an intercourse break to have oral sex; some do oral sex afterward.
  
• In Veronica Monet’s DVD of women masturbating, some used dildos. However, it was not unusual for the woman to run the dildo between her labia rather than pushing it into her vagina. Some couples enjoy a lubricated penis moving between her labia, like a hot dog going back and forth through a bun. The ridge around the head of the penis can feel especially nice as it glides back and forth over the clitoris. The woman can increase the pressure by pulling the penis tighter against her vulva with her fingertips, aka femoral intercourse.
  
• In the highly recommended book
  Tricks - More Than 125 Ways to Make Good Sex Better,
  author Jay Wiseman suggests having the man lie on his back and the woman places a pair of her panties over his penis. The penis sticks through a leg hole, with the panties draping down over his testicles and between his legs. The couple has intercourse with the woman on top. If the panties are silky or rayon-like, the material might stimulate him with each stroke.
  
• Some couples find a well-trimmed and freshly bathed big toe to be a fun penis substitute. Also, a heel that’s jiggled back and forth can be used to stimulate a woman’s genitals.
  
• There are couples who like to gently bite each other’s shoulders or run their teeth along each other’s skin while having intercourse. This works best when the skin is well-lubricated and the lovers are good with feedback.
  
• Some men and women particularly enjoy the feeling of intercourse after a woman has had an orgasm rather than before.
  
• If for some reason a vagina doesn’t get as wet as a couple might want, keep some water-based lube handy, or pick up glycerin suppositories from the drug store that can be put into the vagina ahead of time. If vaginal infections are a problem, you might experiment with water-based lubricants that have no glycerin. As the former baby-boom generation hot flashes its way through the new century, a plethora of pricey new “personal moisturizers” have been flooding the market.
  
• Women might not lubricate very well for the first couple of months following pregnancy. Extra lubrication can also help if the woman is taking drugs such as antihistamines, alcohol, or pot, and if the man is wearing a condom or the couple is playing with sex toys.
  
• Why not try feeding each other while having intercourse? That’s what nature created papaya for.
  
• Some couples enjoy a finger, thumb, small vibrator, or butt plug on or in each other’s anus during intercourse.
  
• Most sex stores sell little plastic thingies that fit over a man’s penis and provide extra stimulation to the woman’s clitoris when she rubs up against his pubic bone. There is also a plastic vibrating cock ring that some couples enjoy, and a special vibrator in a harness can be strapped in place over the clitoris for use during intercourse.
  
• Positions where you are sitting up might allow more blood to pool in the pelvic region, which could, theoretically, help some men get better erections and women get more vaginal engorgement. For instance, there is one position where the man sits on a chair and the woman sits in his lap, wrapping her legs around his waist. While this doesn’t work for heavy-duty thrusting, the penetration can be really deep. You might try a similar position where the man sits in the chair and the woman sits on his lap but facing away from him (sitting spoons position?).