The Guide to Getting It On (40 page)

Highly Recommended Resources for Prostate Massage and Pleasure:

A Guide For Prostate Massage
from The Pleasure Mechanics. This brief video which is only twenty minutes long is one of the best resources you’ll ever find on prostate pleasure. Couples will feel very comfortable watching it together, and it will give you a wealth of helpful information that you can’t find in a book. Visit The Pleasure Mechanics:
www.PleasureMechanics.com
.

The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: A Guide for Men and Their Partners
by Charlie Glickman, Clies Press, 2013. This is very thoughtful and well-written look at this hidden but important part of male sexuality. Highly recommended for any man or couple who wants to explore the prostate and its potential for extra sexual pleasure.”

For Prostatitis and BHP: Be sure to visit the extremely thorough and competent website of the Prostatitis organization:
www.prostatitis.org
.

Thanks
to Dr. Joe Marzucco, formerly of the Portland Kaiser Urology Department and now a sex therapist in private practice in Portland, Oregon. Thanks also to John Schulman, a sex educator in Corvallis, Oregon, who helps students learn how to do prostate exams.

CHAPTER

19

Doing Yourself In Your Partner’s Presence

S
ome women have never seen a man masturbate, and some men have never seen a woman masturbate. Yet plenty of us would find it erotic to watch a partner do it. That’s what this chapter is about.

Many of us have the fantasy that once we get into a relationship, we won’t be playing with ourselves anymore. In some cases, that’s how it is for the first couple of months or years. You either don’t have the urge to masturbate, or can’t remember why you used to do it so often. In other relationships, which can be just as satisfying, you don’t really stop masturbating. And some women report that they actually start masturbating more once they are in a satisfying sexual relationship.

While there are plenty of times when masturbation is something you will prefer to do alone, there are other times that doing it with or in front of a partner can be extremely satisfying.

For straight people, masturbating in front of a partner can sometimes take a lot of trust. That’s because masturbation tends to be more self-disclosing than other types of sex. It can also leave you feeling vulnerable if your partner finds you doing it: “Oh, hi, honey, I was just sitting here in front of the computer jerking off.”

Being open about it can help expand sexual enjoyment for both partners. Here are nine reasons why:

• There is often something erotic and even forbidden about seeing your partner masturbate. This is just as true for women watching men as for men watching women.
  
• If your partner can see how you please yourself, it might help him or her understand more about pleasing you.
  

• Orgasms from masturbation can be more intense than other kinds of orgasm. It might increase the level of intimacy in your relationship if you can ask your partner to hold you while you get yourself off.
  
• Masturbating together is an excellent way to share intense sexual feelings without the risk of unwanted pregnancy or STIs.
  
• People often have unreal expectations that a partner can satisfy all of their sexual urges. There will be plenty of times when one of you is in the mood and the other isn’t. There may also be times when your partner is so pleasantly drained by what you have just done (oral sex, genital massage, etc.) that he or she curls up and falls asleep on the spot. If the two of you are comfortable about it, then the spent one can hold the horny one while he or she masturbates, or you can masturbate while your partner conks out.
  
• There are times when people feel like doing it solo. If this is an accepted part of your relationship, you won’t have to hide or feel like a weirdo when you want to control your own orgasmic destiny.
  

• Although the sex you have with your partner can be really satisfying, masturbating is the only way some people can have an orgasm.
  
• When you do masturbate in each other’s presence, don’t forget that a partner’s pleasure might be greatly enhanced with a special assist on your part. For instance, a man might enjoy it if his partner caresses or massages his testicles while he masturbates, and a woman might find it delightful if her partner licks her nipples or whispers sweet but nasty things into her ears while she masturbates. The possibilities abound.
  
• Summers in the East, South, and Midwest are sometimes so miserably hot and muggy that the last thing you’ll want to do is hug an equally hot and sweaty partner. Masturbating together is one way you can share sexual pleasure without full-body contact.
  

When It Is Difficult to Talk About

Perhaps you would like to talk to your partner about masturbation, but aren’t sure how to bring it up. Or maybe you discovered him or her doing it, and you feel jealous or worried that your partner isn’t satisfied with you.

One way of approaching it might be to ask your partner if he or she would hold you while you gave yourself an orgasm. A lot of lovers would find this to be a turn-on, and it would help make the subject of masturbation safe for conversation. Eventually, you might ask your partner if he or she does it in addition to the sex that the two of you have together.

Readers’ Comments

“I wish he would do it in front of me more often. I’ve even named his penis Squeegy Loueegy.”
female age 37

“I never realized it was possible for a guy to be turned on by seeing a woman touching herself. Needless to say, once I figured this out about him, I put on a good show.”
female age 45

“It took a while for us to get comfortable with it, but I like to watch my husband stroke his penis. He enjoys watching me, too. I often masturbate as part of our loveplay because I like stimulation in more places at once than two hands are capable of doing.”
female age 47

“During intercourse one of us always has to touch me so I can have an orgasm, so in that respect, he’s seen me do it. And we both chat about how we masturbate when we are alone sometimes.”
female age 30

“Masturbation is the act in my life that keeps me sane. My wife even helps me sometimes.”
male age 38

“I masturbate in front of my husband, mostly with a vibrator. I still find it a bit embarrassing.”
female age 35

“I masturbate at least once a day. My lover loves it when I masturbate with him or beside him. He thinks it’s one of life’s great mysteries. I like to watch him masturbate, though sometimes it makes me jealous. I’d like him to take the time and attention he spends on himself and use it on me.”
female age 24

“I masturbate regularly because in the fourteen years that I have been sexually active I have never received an orgasm from intercourse. The only way I can come is from a vibrator or by my husband performing oral sex on me. Sometimes I masturbate privately, other times in front of my husband right after intercourse.”
female age 35

“I masturbate several times a week, and if she doesn’t know after twenty-five years, well, I’d be surprised.”
male age 48

“Sometimes, you just want to come and not have intercourse with your partner. It makes sense because you know how to make yourself get off better and faster than anybody else. You might also get to know yourself and discover new techniques.”
female age 26

CHAPTER

20

Oral Sex: Vulvas & Honeypots

I
t’s a funny thing about oral sex, at least when you are a guy on the giving end. The woman you are giving oral sex to, a person you know and often love, sometimes just disappears. All that’s left is a twitching, moaning protoplasm which only partially resembles the person who was just there. You are pretty much alone. After it’s over, you might want to ask, “Hey, where did you go?” but you learn not to because she will usually just give you a big smile and want to curl up in your arms, or she’ll want to have intercourse. (A female reader says that when she is receiving oral sex, she isn’t as aware of her partner’s presence, so it’s easier to let her fantasies run wild. She wouldn’t necessarily want to tell him “where she went,” since her fantasy might have involved someone else.)