The Guide to Getting It On (131 page)

Bleeding

During the first couple of months of pregnancy, bleeding may occur during the time when you would normally have your period. This is usually less reason for concern than bleeding that is random. Check with your physician when there is any bleeding, just to be on the safe side.

Touch vs. Sex

Some women may experience a decreased desire for sex during pregnancy, but an increased need to masturbate or to receive more touch and cuddling. This can be difficult for the dad-to-be, because all of the cuddling and touching might make him feel extremely horny. To help him make it through these lean times sexually, his pregnant partner can cuddle beside him and caress his thighs, chest or testicles while he does himself by hand. Or he can do what guys do—masturbate in the shower.

Besides being an important time for holding and touching, pregnancy is a time for partners to reassure one another about their feelings of love and attraction, hopefully for each other.

Fears That Bubble Up from The Deep Dark Recesses of the Human Psyche

Contrary to how you think you should be feeling, it is not uncommon for perfectly good parents-to-be to have mixed feelings about the baby-to-be. For instance, you may have planned for years to have this baby and wanted it with the deepest of convictions, but then suddenly start feeling, “Oh my God, what have we done?” Feelings like these can be fleeting or last for weeks. One reader says that both he and his wife were shocked to discover such feelings, given that their pregnancy was better planned than the average moon walk. Fortunately, they did not experience their bummer moods at the same time. The one who was feeling good about the pregnancy was able to comfort the one who was feeling tragic.

It is perfectly normal for humans to be overwhelmed by inner conflicts. The same is true for animals, but we are less inclined to attribute such feelings to the things we eat. (This edition of
The Guide
nearly missed going to press when the author needed to take a dehydrated two-day old calf from its mom. Anyone who thinks maternal feelings don’t cut across species should have seen the look of murder in that mother-cow’s eyes.)

Feelings can be especially intense during pregnancy and just after, when so many new demands are placed on you. These are not the sort of feelings that make us want to have sex. It can be very helpful to talk over these conflicts with a friend, partner or even a counselor if you are feeling particularly jammed by them. One reader adds: “Worries about child care, job security, and having to go back to work after only six weeks can be overwhelming.”

Recognizing Dad’s Role

During pregnancy, all attention usually focuses on the mom-to-be, which is as it should be. But this is also an important time for the pregnant woman to acknowledge the dad-to-be’s role. Potential problems can occur when the woman feels that the baby is her creation alone. This can lead to problems in the relationship between father and child, as well as between the parents.

Dad’s Emotional & Sexual Issues during Pregnancy

There are plenty of books devoted to the feelings that pregnant moms experience. Yet dads-to-be experience their own pregnancy-related emotions. According to researcher James Herzog, dads-to-be tend to fall into two groups:
more attuned
and
less attuned.
The pregnancy spurs the first group of dads onto a path of personal growth, while the latter group feels threatened by the pregnancy and is not particularly fortified by it.

A factor that impacts how a man responds to his wife’s pregnancy is the influence of his own father or father substitutes. Herzog noticed that during the second and third trimesters of pregnancy, a number of pregnant dads turned toward their own fathers in an attempt to reconnect with them. They felt that reconnecting with the “good dad” from their early childhood would help them be better dads to their own children. Men in the less-attuned group tended to experience a high degree of “father hunger”—growing up without an involved and caring father figure. These men tended to act in unsupportive ways, such as becoming competitive with their wives or being sexually promiscuous; some had sexual relations with other men. If you find yourself feeling unsupportive or disconnected from your pregnant wife, it might be a great idea to spend extra time with a friend or acquaintance whose fathering skills you admire. Tell him you are feeling on shaky ground; ask him how he manages as a dad when he’s feeling uncertain or overwhelmed.

Other things that Herzog found about pregnant dads:

The Right Stuff:
Upon learning of the pregnancy, a number of dads-to-be feel good about themselves in a masculine and sexual way. The fact of the pregnancy may help allay fears that they didn’t have the right stuff to make a pregnancy happen. With the excitement of being pregnant, a num-ber of couples enjoy sex that is particularly intense and intimate, as though sex now has a different meaning.

Nourishment:
As the pregnancy progresses, some men feel as if they are nourishing or symbolically feeding their wives during intercourse, especially when they come inside of them. On some level, the dad-to-be might view his semen as a kind of milk that will help nurture both mother and infant.

Coming Harder:
Some men report feeling more depth to their orgasms when their partners are pregnant, with more physical and emotional awareness both before and after ejaculation. At the same time, the dad-to-be might be rethinking who he is; he is man whose personal identity is expanding. At times, this can be exhilarating, at other times, a frightening burden.

Dreams etc.
There are plenty of ways that dads unconsciously identify with a pregnant spouse or wonder about what’s going on inside of her. By mid-pregnancy, some fathers experience dreams or fantasies about being penetrated as well as being the one who penetrates. Some start to wonder more about their own inner body parts. Some put on extra weight or feel a kind of gastric fullness or upset. Some men have toothaches during this time that land them in the dentist’s office. When a man has a toothache of an undetermined origin, wise dentists know to inquire if the man’s wife is pregnant.

Character Evolution:
Being a dad-to-be can help a man shed unwanted or outdated parts of his character. The pregnancy becomes an excuse and a stimulus to mature and become more responsible. Unfortunately, not all men use pregnancy in such a constructive way, nor do all women.

Sex after Giving Birth

Some parents experience the first three to six months after the child’s birth as being the most demanding and difficult time of their lives. They might not feel like having sex, or if they do, they might be too exhausted to actually do it. Other couples enjoy sneaking in quickies while the baby sleeps.

There are important considerations that affect the frequency of sex among new parents, like whether dad does his fair share of the work around the house and whether mom welcomes his help or is nervous and critical when he gets near the baby. Also, there are plenty of ways a parent can be helpful other than with actual hands-on baby care. In a few months, the baby may have grown enough that you feel more comfortable handling it.

Even with the best intention and desire, there will be plenty of times when new moms and dads are way too exhausted for sex, especially if there are other children in the family besides the baby. Keep in mind that many couples struggle when it comes to adapting to their new roles as parents and sexual partners.

Body Image & Sexual Desire

A concern that some women report during the first six months after pregnancy is feeling bad about how their body looks. Along with bladder control issues, this is one of the major reasons why some women don’t want to have sex after the baby is born. Hopefully, both partners can talk about this, and a male partner’s reassurance will be enough to make it a non-issue.

Hormones & Libido

Some women don’t feel like having sex after pregnancy due to certain hormones that might be surging through their veins. And women who are nursing are said to produce more anti-horny hormones than women who are bottle feeding, yet statistics show that nursing mothers want sex more often than those who don’t nurse. Go figure.

Talking about Sex Before the Baby Is Born

Some of the best advice this book has to offer is that you talk about sex before the baby is actually born. For instance, “I’ve heard some new parents don’t feel like having sex for a few months after giving birth—what are some of the ways we might handle that if it happens to one or both of us?” Or “What do we do if you’ve got a raging hard-on and I want to be held and cuddled but don’t want to have intercourse?” Or “What if I want sex but you start seeing me as a mother type and don’t find me exciting?”

One of the worst things you can do about sex after pregnancy is to pretend it is not a problem if it actually is. Nothing is to be gained by rolling over and pretending you are asleep to avoid having sex, by getting defensive, or by feeling attacked. As with other aspects of your relationship, this is a time to redefine and put things in a new perspective. Where sex was once taken for granted, it now needs to be planned or scheduled. There will be many times when sexual desire is a casualty to exhaustion. For a while, you will end up masturbating more often to help fill the gap in partner sex.

When Can We Start Having Intercourse?

After the placenta comes out, it takes time for the place where it was attached to heal. The woman is going to be vulnerable to infections. This is why it might not be such a good idea for male ejaculate and store-bought lube to be working their way up there. Also, it might take a couple of weeks for the vagina to heal after it’s been stretched from here to China. Some physicians worry that intercourse before the vagina is healed can cause scar tissue to build. This is why many physicians feel it is wise to wait at least a few weeks after birth before you start doing the nasty. This is particularly true if the woman had an episiotomy, with stitches that need to heal. Don’t even think about intercourse after a C-section until the doctor waves the checkered flag.

Birth Control

Be sure to stock up on birth-control products before the baby is born. Do not leave this important detail for after the birth, as you will have your hands full dealing with other things and are likely to let it slip. It is not fair to you or the new baby to have a repeat pregnancy sooner than you want. Nursing a baby during the first six months can confer a very high level of protection against pregnancy. This is called LAM or Lactational Amenorrhea Method. The mom must breastfeed at least every four hours and she must not substitute any other food. This assumes she has not had a period since giving birth.

Lubricated condoms and condoms with contraceptive chemicals can irritate tender vaginal tissues, but your own saliva should be fine. If dryness or irritation are problems, check with your obstetrician’s office for advice.

Designated Night Out

Once the baby is three months old, you might be wise to plan at least one evening a week where you and your spouse go out together, without junior in tow, for at least a couple of hours. There are a couple of ways to engineer this, with willing grandparents being top on the list. Every Wednesday night they get the baby and you get each other. If grandparents aren’t an option and a baby-sitter is either too hard to find or too expensive, call couples from your Lamaze class or find other parents with young babies and arrange to co-op the baby-sitting. For instance, they take yours every Tuesday, and you take theirs every Thursday.

Children know when something important is missing in their parents’ relationship. If there is a lack of intimacy or unity among their parents, they can suffer almost as much as the parents. Do not make the mistake of focusing all your energy on being parents and no energy on being lovers. By the time you notice that something is wrong with your relationship, it may be difficult to repair.

Painful Intercourse?

You may need to work your way up to intercourse. If time permits, you might try taking showers or baths together and sharing a beer or glass of wine beforehand. It never hurts to have an extra tube of lube on the night stand. Some women who have never had a problem getting wet need an assist after giving birth. For other women, it can be just the opposite.

Beware the “Husband’s Stitch”

Physicians sometimes do a “husband’s stitch” when sewing a woman up after delivery if she had tearing or an episiotomy. This is essentially a little tuck that’s done at the opening of the vagina. The physician assumes it will make intercourse feel better for the husband. While the sentiment is nice, the “husband’s stitch” is better used in upholstery shops than on women’s genitals. Tightening the entrance to the vagina just makes the opening smaller and is liable to make intercourse feel painful for the woman. If a woman is concerned about vaginal tone following pregnancy, she would do much better to practice Kegel exercises, which help to tighten the entire vagina rather than making the opening more difficult to get into. It never hurts to discuss this with your healthcare provider.

Readers’ Comments

“I had no sexual desire at all.”
female age 36