The Grace In Darkness (16 page)

“
F
uck!
”
I roared, pounding my fist against the wall.

Walking away from Araya like that and leaving her with
him
was like ripping out my own heart. Every beat was painful and I thought my chest was going to cave in.

I couldn
’
t escape the need to punish her. Punish her for leaving me, for not being miserable at that fucking school, and for that stupid look in that douche bag
’
s eyes when he looked at her. I had no right, but I couldn
’
t see past my own anger.

Seeing him dance with her... It
’
d been so intimate that I wanted to rip off his arms for touching her. I hadn
’
t been able to stomach the end of their performance. It
’
d been too much, and since I didn
’
t find life in prison so appealing, I knew I had to get out of there.

I couldn
’
t get the look of Araya
’
s face out of my head when I accused her of leather-douche-bag-face being her boyfriend. I knew in my heart they weren
’
t together. I knew that even before I accused her of it, but I couldn
’
t ignore the fact that she hadn
’
t told him about me.

Despite that, nothing had changed between us. She was still mine. I knew it. And I knew I would regret this in the morning if I didn
’
t go back to her right now.

“
Fuck!
”

She was here. What was I doing?

“
I told you I
’
d make your life miserable.
”

J.D.
’
s comment ripped through my thoughts and stalled my exit. I turned around to see him coming toward me, his face twisted darkly.

“
What are you talking about?
”

“
I dangled something in front of you that you can
’
t have and it
’
s killing you. Enjoyed your performance, by the way. Your mother and I are
so
proud.
”

My eyes narrowed.
“
You knew she
’
d be here…? I don
’
t understand… Why
’
d you do it? What makes you think I won
’
t go after her right now? Leave this place. Leave you.
”

“
Easy, Ryland. If you were going to do any of that, you wouldn
’
t be standing here right now. She
’
s happy and that happiness has nothing to do with you. I know you better than you think, son. You won
’
t sacrifice her happiness for your need for her. You don
’
t have it in you.
”

“
You
’
re wrong. When it comes to Araya, I
’
m nothing but selfish.
”

“
Maybe so. Maybe you
’
d leave with her tonight... but would she want to go with you? Would she give up dancing, school, her independence to be with you?
”

“
She wouldn
’
t have to give any of that up to be with me. I
’
m not going to keep her prisoner from the things she loves.
”

“
Then go after her. She
’
s back in the ballroom with her... What is he to her exactly?
”

He was calling my bluff and trying to psyche me out at the same time. I didn
’
t want him to win. I didn
’
t want to give in to the doubt he was trying to plant. I hated that he could get into my head and I hated myself for letting him.

T
he ride back to MA was quiet. I could feel Pierce looking at me. I could practically hear him thinking, wanting to ask me, but waiting for me to explain what happened tonight. I was pretty sure he
’
d already figured out that my crappy performance was because of Ryland.

I didn
’
t want to talk yet, and I hadn
’
t quite figured out how much I was willing to tell him. Everything had become ten times more complicated after tonight, and I didn
’
t know how to handle it or if I could even fix it.

“
Are you warm enough?
”
Pierce asked.

It wasn
’
t any one of the hundred questions I knew he wanted to ask, but it was probably better than nothing.

“
Yes, thank you.
”

I pulled myself tighter into a ball and stared out the window. Not because it was cold, but because it felt like I had a better hold on myself than I actually did. The car was nice and warm inside and it felt like we were driving in a globe of heat. It was as dark outside as it was on the inside, and that always made me feel better and less alone.

“
I
’
m sorry for tonight, Pierce. I-
”

“
You have nothing to be sorry for, Araya.
”

“
I ruined your-
”

“
Don
’
t, Araya. You didn
’
t ruin a damn thing for me. Do you hear me?
”

I felt better knowing he wasn
’
t upset about the performance. I smiled and nodded without looking at him.

“
You did amazing, all things considered…
”

I wondered what all things considered consisted of, but I didn
’
t ask. We were on the path of a somewhat safe subject and I wanted to leave it like that.

“
Thank you. You were amazing yourself.
”

“
We make a great team.
”

He had shifted in his seat to watch me and my reaction, but I remained dormant. My only reply was another small smile. He didn
’
t push me or the subject, and the rest of the car ride remained silent. I laid my head back against the seat and closed my eyes. It wasn
’
t meant to keep Pierce from talking to me, just my way to let everything sink in.

I could tell when we reached the main gates of MA, as Pierce slowed the car. I didn
’
t open my eyes yet. We drove through the foregrounds of the school until we reached student parking. Everyone who paid for one was assigned a parking spot near the dorms. Pierce found his spot and pulled in, turning off the car.

His seat rustled as he sat back, turning off the engine. He didn
’
t move or say anything, so I pretended to still be asleep. I still wasn
’
t ready to talk and I felt faking sleep was the best way to get out of that. Seconds of silence went by before I felt him move the hair from the side of my face. I held my breath, too nervous to move.

“
Araya?
”
he finally whispered.
“
We
’
re home.
”

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. It was the darkest of dark around me. I turned toward Pierce and smiled.

“
I must have fallen asleep,
”
I said, hoping I sounded convincing.

“
Yeah, must have,
”
he said in a way that betrayed the fact that he knew I hadn
’
t really fallen asleep at all. Thank goodness it was dark enough that he couldn
’
t see me blush.

“
Thank you for driving us.
”
What else was there to say?

He laughed.
“
Well, it was either that or go in that gross-ass van with Mr. Cray. He can clear the room like no one
’
s business.
”

I laughed. He was trying to lighten the mood and it was working.
“
I have no idea how to respond to that.
”

“
It
’
s probably best. Hold on and I
’
ll come around to get you.
”

He was out the door before I could respond. Seconds later, my door opened and I trembled slightly as the cold air swirled around me. His fingers closed around my hand and he helped me from the car. His hand tugged on the bottom of my jacket and I realized he was trying to zip it up.

“
There. Now you won
’
t freeze on the way to your room,
”
he said teasingly when he zipped it.

He took my hand again and we walked side by side toward my room. We made small talk about the night. It remained strictly about what happened before and during the performance. We walked fast because it was cold and reached my building within minutes.

We climbed the steps to the entrance and I grabbed my keys from my pocket. The front doors were always locked and the only way in or out was with a key.

“
Thank you for walking me to my door.
”
I reached the top step and stopped, turning toward him. The light above the doors shined down on us. It was bright enough that I could make out his blurred shadow.

“
You thank me a lot.
”

I laughed.
“
You do a lot for me.
”

“
I like you, Araya.
”
He took the step below mine and we were face to face.
“
That guy tonight, you know him?
”

I wanted to be honest with Pierce and that made it easier to answer his questions.
“
Yes,
”
I said, looking down.

He lifted my chin.
“
There
’
s no reason to feel bad, Araya. Is he the reason you
’
re not ready to date yet?
”

“
Yes. Things are... complicated, but they
’
re not over between us... not completely.
”

He nodded.
“
As much as I want to, I saw the way you looked at him tonight, and I don
’
t think I could compete with that.
”

“
I like you, Pierce. You
’
re the second sweetest guy I know, and maybe if Ryland had never been a part of my life, you and I... But he is, and after tonight, I know he will forever hold my heart. I
’
m so sorry, Pierce.
”

“
No reason to be sorry, Araya. You can
’
t help who you love. There
’
s no use trying.
”

I smiled.
“
Still friends?
”

“
You can
’
t get rid of me that easily. You better get inside now.
”
He pulled the collar of my jacket up around my neck.
“
I
’
ll never hear the end of it from Violet if you get sick.
”

“
Okay.
”
I reached up and laid my hand against his cheek. It was rough and smooth and it felt icy cold against my palm. Leaning over, I kissed his other cheek.
“
Thank you for understanding, Pierce. Goodnight,
”
I whispered.

Pierce and I were never meant to be and I was confident about that fact more than ever. He was important to me, though, and I was happy our friendship remained intact.

I didn
’
t know where Ryland and I stood now, but watching him walk away from me had been harder than walking away from him all those months ago. I just wish I knew where we went from here.

I was halfway to my door when I saw his shadow leaning against the wall. My steps slowed and my heart kicked against my chest just like it did the day I met him. Seeing him standing there, waiting for me, I knew nothing else mattered.

“
How
’
d you get in here?
”
I whispered, searching for my keys in my bag.

“
I got lucky.
”
He pushed away from the wall when I moved toward the door to unlock it.
“
A few of the students who were at the benefit tonight were coming home when I got here, and they took pity on my misery.
”

“
That was lucky.
”
I hid my smile as I pushed open the door. I tuned around, my arm twisting behind me as I held on to the doorknob.
“
I
’
m assuming you want to come in?
”

“
Yes, please. I
’
ll get on my knees and beg if that
’
s what it takes, Hummingbird.
”

“
That sentiment only works on seeing girls,
”
I pointed out.

“
I guess that would be a douche bag move.
”

“
Kind of.
”

My breath caught as he took a step closer, pushing against me.
“
I guess that only leaves me with one other option. Touch,
”
he whispered against my lips.

I could smell the strong liquor on his breath just like earlier and I liked the way it smelled on him. I remembered the way Carl used to smell when he
’
d come stumbling in the apartment and I
’
d have to put him to bed. Ryland erased that memory and gave me a new one.