The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (14 page)

We respect a teenager’s fundamental right to make his or her own sexual decisions, and this right can’t be signed away to parents or politicians. Adults are responsible for providing youth with the information and support they need to make responsible sexual choices. Sure, not all teens are emotionally “ready” for sex, but neither are plenty of adults. There is no magical age at which sexual maturity sets in; a great many teens possess the ability to negotiate safe and consensual sex, and will do so whether they have adult “permission” or not. If you’re a parent, we’re not suggesting that you simply give your teen a fistful of condoms, a slap on the back, and a quick list of how-to instructions. We
are
saying that if you communicate your perspective and values and provide both information and tools, these will be infinitely more valuable to youth who choose to engage in sexual relations than a “just say no” lecture.

I have only grown more vigilant about practicing safer sex for myself and providing teens with the means to protect themselves. I don’t want my kids to be having sex until they are adults, preferably in a committed relationship. However, I would rather have my kids practicing safer sex than contracting HPV, HIV, or another sexually transmitted disease! I would rather they do something against my wishes with some form of protection than die!

What Teens Learn about Sex Today

In the United States, teens get their sex information principally from friends, parents, the media, and school. In general (and please note there are always exceptions!), information from friends is inaccurate and judgmental, advice from parents is sporadic and accompanied by lots of blushing, and images offered up by the media are unrealistic and one-dimensional. In school—where you’d expect sexuality to be treated with the respect and comprehensive attention paid to other subjects—all discussion of sex has been reduced to a one-note message: Don’t do it.

Today’s abstinence-based education teaches kids that sex (usually defined as intercourse) outside of marriage is both dangerous and wrong. To prove the point, lectures focus on the perils of sex—that it can lead to teen pregnancy, STDs, and death (in the case of AIDS). Condoms, when discussed at all, are maligned for being less than 100 percent effective against disease transmission and pregnancy.

In Texas we had sex ed in health class and it was entirely about abstinence. We studied STDs and failure rates of contraceptives. Never was it suggested that one could use one or more contraceptive methods to have sex without getting pregnant or contracting some incurable disease.

Often referred to as fear-based curriculum, abstinence-based education seeks to scare the sexual desire right out of youth. The biggest problem with this model is that kids are still having sex. Only now they’ve been denied the resources, tools, and motivation to engage in responsible sex, which actually leaves them more at risk than if they’d just been told the facts about anatomy, contraception, and safer sex. “Abstinence plus” programs, which
do
raise the topics of sexual responsibility and safe sex, still focus on the negative outcomes of sex (while stressing abstinence as the most desirable option).

Proponents of abstinence-only education assert that increased information about sex will lead to increased sexual activity. However, statistics have shown no causal link between abstinence programs and reduced rates of teen sex. Teens are having the same amount of sex as ever, they’re just doing it with even less guidance. Youth deserve to be taught, not only about safer sex and contraception, but also about alternatives to intercourse (masturbation, oral sex, role play) so that they’re aware of options, should they want to postpone intercourse. By focusing on intercourse as the be-all-and-end-all of sex, abstinence educators suppress knowledge of the vast range of satisfying sexual activities that can be enjoyed over a lifetime of changing circumstances.

Teens themselves find abstinence programs totally unrealistic and unhelpful. Few of our survey respondents found anything positive to say about them:

Sex education in school came a bit late for me as anything that they taught us was stuff we already knew. That is hardly surprising, since we were 15 when they offered sex ed in my school!

You have more chance of learning about sex from a parrot than you do from sex ed classes. It makes me sick that parents actually support them, while at the same time all these universities are conducting research to find out why so many girls get pregnant—maybe ’cause no one ever bothered to explain condoms to them.

Amazingly enough, the Catholic high school I attended did teach sex ed, which is where I learned most about technical and mechanical matters. The only problem was that the instructors (a nun and a priest) taught us that doing any of these things before marriage was wrong.

The irony of this state of affairs is that according to a national survey by the Kaiser Foundation, most parents would prefer that the schools provide more comprehensive sexuality education, an approach that teaches kids about sexual responsibility, health, and relationships in a positive manner. However the Religious Right’s money, political prowess, and scare tactics have all but killed these programs, with the result that today only 5 percent of American schools provide comprehensive sex ed.

Teens’ Sexual Bill of Rights

1. Teens have the right to appreciate their own and each other’s bodies.

2. Teens have the right to know how things work.

3. Teens have the right to know that sex is about pleasure.

4. Teens have the right to know that sex is more than intercourse.

5. Teens have the right to realistic expectations.

6. Teens have the right to make responsible choices.

7. Teens have the right to sexual equality.

8. Teens have the right to sexual diversity.

9. Teens have the right to consent.

10. Teens have the right to resources.

Teens’ Sexual Bill of Rights

Given the dearth of sex information we receive as teens, it’s a wonder that we pursue sex at all—let alone enjoy it. It’s a true testament to the power of our unquenchable desires that we persist, even in the face of disappointment, disillusionment, or disaster. Yet, once we reach adulthood, plenty of us recall our early sexual experiences with nostalgia and protectiveness toward our younger selves. We wouldn’t have wanted not to have these experiences, but perhaps we would have wanted them to play out differently. And that could have been the case if we’d been better prepared and informed. Our survey respondents wrote so passionately and prolifically about their first sexual experiences that we’re quoting them here to illustrate how teens would surely benefit from a more open, honest, and thorough approach to their sex education. Consider this a Teen’s Sexual Bill of Rights.

1. Teens have the right to appreciate their own and each other’s bodies.
Both boys and girls deserve access to information about sexual anatomy, along with accurate visual representations. Unfortunately, books for adolescents are usually illustrated with vague line drawings, giving the impression that human genitals resemble those of a cartoon character. In the absence of accurate depictions, many teens develop the misconception that their own genitals are somehow abnormal or deformed (a misconception that can last well into adulthood).

Sex ed class was a joke. The only thing I learned was that my female “parts” looked like a teddy bear.

I don’t like my cunt very much, which makes me reluctant to let people see it or touch it. My labia minora hang down a lot, and they’re a weird color. I don’t arouse easily and I don’t produce much lube. I’m very self-conscious about it.

Some kids manage to dig up photos in adult magazines, which hardly depict female genitalia in the most realistic light. Our ideal anatomy lesson would also cover smells and secretions, so that both boys and girls could learn that genitals aren’t meant to smell like roses:

I felt extreme approach-avoidance conflict before, during, and after my first experiences with female partners. I had to get to know women’s bodies, especially their vulvas, and overcome my fear and ignorance about smell and appearance.

As a teenager, my male friends did not hold such great attitudes about women. They used to criticize how their girlfriends’ vaginas smelled. Of course, the boys were just covering up their own insecurities, but it made me self-conscious about my body.

One lover told me I tasted like “swamp water” and he hated it. That upset me and it’s been hard to shake, even though I’ve had other lovers who like my taste.

2. Teens have the right to know how things work.
Our sexual anatomy lesson would teach the importance of the clitoris as a source of pleasure for women. Lacking this vital piece of information, couples of all ages down through the years have simply pumped away, assuming that female orgasm should be an inevitable byproduct of penis/vagina intercourse, which it rarely is. Both men and women should know how to locate and stimulate the clitoris, so that women aren’t routinely left dissatisfied by sex.

I was 15 when I first had sex. I had been going out with my boyfriend at the time for about a year and we figured it was time. We had been going pretty far with the fondling and oral, but it was time to do it! Alas, it is another tale of a boy thinking that penile penetration does it for a girl. There was some foreplay, but not enough. He came, I didn’t.

If masturbation were encouraged as a way to discover (and fine-tune) sexual response, disappointing sexual outcomes like premature ejaculation and elusive orgasms could be avoided.

At 16 I got laid and to be honest I was always coming off too quickly.

I had sex at 15 with my boyfriend. I was the initiator. It was mostly memorable for the bug bites—we were outside. It went from pleasurable but clumsy to consistently enjoyable. I didn’t often orgasm during sex at first, but eventually learned more about my physical responses and how they differed in partner sex from masturbation.

Similarly, many couples new to sex know nothing about sexual arousal and lubrication, which can make all the difference between pleasure and pain. Teens should know why and when a girl gets wet, why pre-come is not an acceptable lubricant, how to use lube with a condom, and how to remedy a dry encounter with a commercial lube.

I was 16. I didn’t know what sex was; I thought kissing and hugging was sex. I didn’t realize that you need your brain to have sex. I though that if I saw a penis, I would automatically become wet and the thing would slide right in. Wrong! It was very painful, I was not wet, I didn’t know what to think. I began reading about having sex and then I discovered how to become aroused.

At 13 I had sex, which was not in any way pleasant! Partner did not know about the wonders of lube. Just ram, ram, ram.

It was the first time I’d ever seen an erect penis, much less touched one. I wound up giving him a friction burn from a hand job because I didn’t know how to do it.

In his bedroom under a huge poster of Kurt Cobain, we fumbled around and figured out the condom thing. We both kept our underwear on. He just stuck it through the flap in his boxers, and moved my panties aside. I remember it feeling like I was sitting on a broom handle. It hurt, my eyes watered. We didn’t know anything about lube or the importance of foreplay. We had to do it three or four times that weekend before we figured out how to make it feel good.

3. Teens have the right to know that sex is about pleasure.
The bulk of what children and teens are taught about sex revolves around unwanted touch, danger, and disease. When youth leave home, after years of indoctrination in sexual shame, guilt, and fear, they’re supposed to suddenly figure out how to have good sex and healthy relationships. Let’s take a more balanced approach, teaching teens about sexual responsibility while also explaining that sexual desire and passion are natural and healthy.

As a young girl and teenager, I was shamed about my sexual desires. I was “bad” for wanting to kiss a boy. I was worse than bad for wanting to do anything else. Later as I got older, the whole subject of sex and love was ignored. It just didn’t exist as far as my mother was concerned and was not an acceptable topic of conversation. So…I got very confused. Wanted sex and love and found it very stimulating…but had no tools for handling the situations I found myself in or the feelings that came up about it. It’s taken years to get it all sorted out.

My mom has always been very open with me about sex. From her I got the woman’s perspective (and a healthy dose of “If you’re going to do it, enjoy it—but be smart”), and the okay to feel sexual.

I began having sex when I was 22, and I had no idea what to expect. I was raised in a household that didn’t talk about sex and I never felt comfortable talking about sex with my friends, so the only thing I had to draw on was how the media portrays sex, which is always this explosive, passionate, pleasurable experience. I still consider losing my virginity to be the most disappointing experience of my life. I remember it as boring at best, painful at worst, sweaty, and unpleasant, and after having sex a handful of times I was ready to swear off sex completely.