The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (17 page)

Sex Postpartum

Childbirth is a physically grueling process, and your body deserves time to heal. The only sex advice most parents receive after childbirth is to abstain from “sex” for six weeks. Sex in this case means vaginal penetration, and the caution refers to the fact that until your uterus has completely healed, penetration could result in infection. Obviously, there are plenty of ways of being sexual that don’t involve vaginal intercourse, and we would encourage you to follow your desires wherever they lead you—surveys show that up to 60 percent of couples ignore the six-week waiting period in favor of enjoying some form of sexual intimacy.

On the other hand, it’s common for new mothers to feel low sexual desire for some time after birth. You are dealing with a dramatic decline in estrogen and progesterone levels and a surge in prolactin, the hormone of milk production, which is a natural tranquilizer. Prolactin will continue to suppress your estrogen levels while you breastfeed, reducing vaginal lubrication and genital sensitivity. Many women also report that it is harder to become aroused or to reach orgasm for up to a few months following birth. If you’ve had a cesarean birth or complications with your vaginal delivery, you need time to recover from surgery. Nerve damage from an episiotomy or obstetric intervention could make genital stimulation painful for as long as a year. And of course, you’re also dealing with the challenge of regaining ownership of your body and navigating huge changes to your lifestyle, all of which may serve to make sexual activity less than compelling.

Parenthood adds the fatigue and distraction factors into the mix. I find I still have desire at nearly, but not quite, my usual level, but sometimes have a harder time getting to orgasm. My mind skips around to parenting issues and has to be brought back to matters at hand. Also, I am breastfeeding, which I understand tends to decrease lubrication; I have noticed that to be true in my case.

Prioritize your postpartum healing by taking regular sitz baths, doing Kegels to regain strength in your pelvic muscles, enjoying whatever relaxing exercise makes your body feel good, and masturbating. Masturbation can be an ideal, low-pressure way to reacquaint yourself with your genital anatomy and sexual responses. Do not engage in partner sex until you’ve identified any genital trouble spots—for instance, scar tissue from a tear or an episiotomy, or bruised areas in your vagina—to ensure that you can communicate to your partner what you discover about your changed body.

When you are ready to engage in sexual activity—whether it’s genital massage, oral sex, or intercourse—make sure to incorporate plenty of lubrication and relaxation into your encounters. If you want to try vaginal penetration, experiment with positions, such as side-by-side and woman-on-top, that allow you to control the depth and angle of penetration. Don’t feel you have to rush back into intercourse; experiment with other ways of expressing sexual and sensual intimacy.

When my child was little, I have to say sex was not one of my favorite pastimes, because of lack of sleep, time, and privacy with spouse. Thank God children grow up. With time, my desire has come back, and I have a little more zest. I have become more selfish and interested in trying more things.

After my daughter was born, my desire went down, mostly due to exhaustion and stress. It really hasn’t gone back to the way it was before she was born, even though she sleeps through the night. I am now a full-time housewife and part-time student, and sex has kind of gone to the back burner for now.

Above all, give yourselves a break; parents often find it takes as long as two years to get back to their prebaby sex lives. Respect your feelings, take your time, and do what feels best for you. You may find that the physical strength, emotional resilience, and generosity of spirit required to parent all translate into greater sexual confidence and assertiveness:

For quite a while (over a year) after I had my baby girl, I didn’t want anything to do with sex. Now, however, the desire is coming back, and I’m finding that I am much more demanding in getting what I want! And much more vocal about things!

You’ll probably find friends to be your best source of support and encouragement during this time. Unfortunately, doctors aren’t trained to be forthcoming with information about sexual matters, and your OB/GYN is unlikely to offer much guidance about the possibilities for sexual activities or the vagaries of sexual desire. We encourage you to compare notes with other new mothers, as grassroots information-sharing will probably yield a more reassuring range of responses than checking in with your HMO.

I talk about sex with strangers for a living, but when it came time to ask questions about sex of my nurse practitioner—who had been very motherly during my prenatal visits—I procrastinated and conveniently “forgot.” My partner would come along and prod me to ask the questions we both wanted answered.

I don’t know where I’d be without my mothers’ group. Five of us got together when we had our first kids and we’re still fast friends seven years later. We share all kinds of information and can talk about things we’re too embarrassed to bring up even with our partners.

Sex and Parenting

Parenthood presents numerous logistical obstacles to your sex life, as well as the emotional obstacle of reconciling your identity as a parent with your identity as a sexual adult—mothers, in particular, are hardly encouraged to identify as sexy babes. But if you’re willing to summon up a little initiative and creativity, you can reinvent your sex life in richly rewarding ways. Here are some tips.

PLAN FOR SEX. You may look back fondly on the days when you could drop everything and get nasty whenever the spirit moved you, but the reality is that once you become a parent, it’s unlikely you’ll have sex unless you plan for it. What you lose in spontaneity, though, you can gain in erotic anticipation. Try scheduling a regular date time during the week when your baby’s with a sitter or your child’s at a play date. If you’re partnered, use this time to relax and reconnect with each other—whether or not you engage in an erotic encounter during every weekly date, you’ll be building intimacy that reaffirms your sexual connection. As always, communication is vital. Share your concerns, your desires, your needs, your preferences, and your expectations with your partner.

And be prepared to take advantage of opportune moments. If your child takes a regular nap, or watches cartoons every Saturday morning, use that time to share adult pleasures. If your baby’s schedule is unpredictable, grab your partner the minute the baby falls asleep—you may rediscover some spontaneity after all.

Being a parent has made us realize that quality of lovemaking is very important. We sometimes only have little windows of opportunity and we need to make the most of them. It was a challenge when our kids were younger because they needed more of our attention, but now that they are older we can lock our door and they will leave us alone.

Now that we’re parents, time is an issue. So we take care of business when the baby goes to sleep or when we find ourselves alone. It’s usually not as romantic or long as it used to be, but it’s still just as nice!

ASK FOR HELP. Call on family, friends, and neighbors to baby-sit so that you can spend time with a partner. If you feel overwhelmed by the scarcity of time, privacy, and energy, know that you’re not alone. Connect with other parents to pool resources or to get advice, suggestions, and a friendly ear.

TAKE CARE OF NUMBER ONE. Your sex drive will stay on permanent hiatus if you’re completely run down. Try to get plenty of sleep, eat regular meals, and remember to exercise (this doesn’t have to mean a grueling aerobics regimen; try yoga or stretching, taking regular walks, or simply dancing around the house to your favorite music). The more energy you have, the more likely you are to want a good roll in the hay. And speaking of exercises, both men and women can benefit from keeping up with their Kegels; not only does a strong PC muscle improve your experience of sex, but simply doing the exercises can raise genital awareness and arousal. Masturbation is a great way to stay in touch (literally) with your sexual self.

I have two young children and don’t often have the pleasure of sex with my husband, so masturbation has become nearly a daily activity. It’s a chance to appreciate my hard-working body, and it gives a real lift to my day.

Find ways to relax and build a bridge between your busy day as a parent and your private time as an adult. Take a warm bath, request a massage, or have a glass of wine.

BE CREATIVE. If you’re too exhausted to get hot and heavy but want to keep your sexual batteries charged, try a quickie masturbation session. If one of you is in the mood but the other is not, rent an adult video and watch it in bed together. If you’re feeling short on inspiration, play an erotic board game, read erotica aloud, or experiment with sex toys.

Since becoming parents, we have had to become creative!!! We’ve learned how to get a quick thrill while keeping our clothes on. Sometimes we make out in the car while our son’s asleep in the back seat. It has added a level of excitement and romance.

We both enjoy oral sex and touching, and often we spend our time in bed engaging in activities that don’t lead to intercourse. Parenting sometimes leaves us too tired for energetic sex, but we are very affectionate and often our quiet closeness at bedtime leads to fondling and tender lovemaking.

GET AWAY. Sometimes just getting away from it all does wonders for the libido. Go to a romantic inn, take a camping trip, offer to house-sit for someone—just do something to get out of your own environment. If you can, bring a friend along as a sitter, or leave your child with relatives for a couple of days.

After becoming a dad, sex happened a lot less often and was less fun (because we were stressed and tired)—perhaps that’s why we only had one child! Seriously, things did get back to normal but only because we had lots of help from our parents and from friends in looking after our baby daughter so that we could go away for weekends and longer holidays. We have managed to maintain sexual desire in a long-term relationship, which lots of people seem to find very difficult. Going away together a lot has been a major help with that, I think.

CULTIVATE PERSPECTIVE. Bear in mind that the logistical challenges of today will be gone tomorrow. Childhood passes quickly, so it’s wise to cultivate the long view.

Being the mother of two teenage sons, I can say that I’ve had my ups and downs sexually. My teens and twenties were great, lots of sex. I was pregnant and raising children in my thirties, so there was a definite lack of libido, augmented by sheer exhaustion. My forties saw a resurgence of my desire for sex and as the boys get older, my husband and I have more free time to pursue nookie. We are just now coming into “our time!”

TEACH BY EXAMPLE. If you’re worried that prioritizing your sex life is somehow selfish or inappropriate, keep in mind that your kids deserve to see you modeling the kind of pleasure-filled life you want
them
to grow up and have. While it’s natural that sex may recede in importance, particularly if you have young children, don’t allow societal messages about the virtues of self-sacrifice (usually directed at mothers, not fathers) to bully you into feeling you’re no longer entitled to sexual pleasure. Your identity as a sexual being is nonnegotiable.

When I was 28 years old I had a baby and for four years I did not have sex. I was completely celibate because I thought of myself as “a mother” and that I had to focus on my child. I recently began experimenting with sex and have discovered a whole new side of my sexuality. I’m older now, more comfortable with my body, and willing to try new things. I really love this stage in my life. I do feel like sex is the priority in my life right now. It’s seems like that is all I think about. I’m being very selfish, which is generally okay except sometimes I feel conflicted because I have a young child, but so far I have been able to balance my newfound sexuality and motherhood.

Midlife Changes

Menopause marks the end of a woman’s reproductive years, and occurs on average in her early fifties (though some women reach menopause as early as age 44 and others as late as age 56). Perimenopause describes the period of several years leading up to the complete cessation of menstruation, a period marked by the symptoms we associate with menopause: mood swings, hot flashes, insomnia, headaches, and so on.

At menopause your ovaries no longer produce progesterone or estradiol (estrone, a weaker type of estrogen, continues to be produced in fatty tissue). The decline in estrogen levels results in the reduction of vaginal lubrication, genital blood flow, and elasticity of genital tissues, as well as a thinning of the vaginal walls (often given the somewhat alarmist name “vaginal atrophy”). However, menopause by no means marks the end of a woman’s sexual years. Although some postmenopausal women experience diminished desire, decreased genital sensation, or less intense orgasms, most report no loss of libido, and many enjoy sex more than ever.

Now that I am menopausal my drive has increased, and my orgasms are wonderful.

Orgasm has become far more intense and deep-seated. I used to be able to jump up and run around after sex but my orgasms are so intense now that we have had to put in double glazing to keep the noise down, and my legs don’t work properly for ten minutes after.

I never experienced masturbation or orgasm until I was separated at 36. My counselor asked me about masturbation, gave me a book, I tried it and wow! My sexuality is blossoming now that I am past menopause. I want to explore my sexuality in a new, curious, open way.