The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (5 page)

• Start a list of all the attributes you like about your body. Keep it somewhere and add to it. Share it with a partner.

• Strip down to your birthday suit, stand in front of the mirror and get used to looking at your body. Tell yourself what you like—appreciate your body’s uniqueness. If you get good at this, you may end up with some hot erotica!

• Listen to compliments that people give you and try to accept and believe them.

• Seek out sexual images that show a greater variety of body types—you can find erotica that reflects diversity at large newsstands, libraries, and the Web.

• Talk to a close friend—share your anxieties as well as what you admire about yourselves and each other. Try exploring where some of your attitudes originated.

• Change something about your physical appearance that will boost self-esteem—new clothes, fresh hairstyle, designer glasses. If you’re bound and determined to diet, be realistic. Set reasonable goals, eat nutritiously and get plenty of exercise.

• Learn how to give and receive massage. This can enhance your appreciation and enjoyment of your body and of others’ as well.

• Read some self-help books about body image and self-esteem.

• Visit a nude beach or a spa to surround yourself with ordinary people comfortable in their nudity.

Our survey respondents shared some of the ways in which they’ve successfully overcome negative body image:

I pose nude for a couple of local photographers. This helps me love my body and see my body as a beautiful thing.

The two most positive influences on my sexual self-esteem have been the Internet and science fiction fandom. In fandom, all different sorts of body shapes are valued. It was really amazing to me that in this community, people actually really liked looking at short, round men.

I have always felt that I wasn’t sexy because I’m a little overweight. I’ve found that I have to focus on the things that I like about myself instead of those I dislike. I wear clothes that my husband thinks I look sexy in because it makes me feel good about myself, and then I feel sexy.

When I was 18 and 19 I worked as an erotic dancer and that gave me more self-esteem than anything. This was an unusual job for me to take on because I had grown up in an upper-class family and had attended private boarding school. But I always had this fantasy about being a stripper—and I had also tended to suffer from low body image and occasional bouts with anorexia. Being a stripper was marvelous! Men loved all kinds of body types, and that was amazing. That experience taught me to get in touch with my body—literally and figuratively.

I think that maturity has had the biggest influence on my sexual self-esteem. I am no longer afraid to be myself, and I realize that it doesn’t matter if my body isn’t perfect. It’s what’s inside that counts.

Genitals

Few of us have ever been given permission, let alone encouraged, to familiarize ourselves with our genitals. Any childhood self-discovery was usually accidental and nearly always secretive. Particularly for women, this ignorance can manifest itself in adulthood as a tendency either to ignore our genitals, or to consider them off limits, dirty, and shameful. We simply aren’t exposed to a broad enough range of vulva imagery—you can find realistic images of penises in any art museum, but vulva lovers have to make do with Georgia O’Keefe paintings. As a result, women with labia that aren’t precisely symmetrical may worry that they are somehow deformed, and those who chance upon pictures of shaved and “prettied-up” labia in men’s magazines may fear that their own genitals are ugly and abnormal:

Thanks to those stupid girlie-mags my dad hid around the house, I discovered that my pussy did not look like the girls’ in the photos! I was gifted with more of an iris than a clam. That inhibited me in ways I am only now coming to grips with. It hurt me in a very deep, well-hidden way, and robbed me of a lot of self-esteem that I deserved to enjoy.

Despite the fact that we’re well into the twenty-first century, and decades have passed since the feminist women’s health movement inspired a generation of women to switch on the lights, haul out the hand mirrors, and take a long, loving look between their legs, vulva shame remains rampant. And certain unscrupulous medical professionals are more than willing to take advantage of this sad state of affairs by offering surgery to “aesthetically modify” women’s genitalia. The best way to fight shame is with information, and we encourage you to seek out authentic visual representations of vulvas in all their glorious variety:
A New View of a Woman’s Body
and
Femalia
feature full-color photographs, and Betty Dodson’s
Sex for One
includes black-and-white illustrations.

It turns out my plump, full-lipped vulva is not only normal, it is hereditary, and it is beautiful! The book
Femalia
went a long way in helping me come to grips with what I have “down there.” The final dismantling of all my negative fantasies about my body came when I found myself with a lover who totally reveled in my pussy, who loved and praised it in every aspect. He kept asking me to open my legs so he could admire me. A thousand and one ugly lies shattered, and I have since become a proud priestess of the pussy! If I could ever add one thing to human sexuality books for adolescents, it would be photos or illustrations of lots of vulvas. There are snake-oil doctors out there performing labia reductions on countless emotionally suffering women, and it is an outrage! Not only is my vulva, and all its components, beautiful, it works like a souped-up BMW!

Men can also harbor less than enthusiastic feelings about their genitals, with anxiety over penis size being most common. Yet the idea that sexual satisfaction is directly related to penis size is a ridiculous myth. For one thing, everybody has a different preference when it comes to penetration, which minimizes the likelihood of a “perfect fit.” For another, sexual satisfaction depends on communication, generosity, and a whole-body approach to pleasure—not on genital anatomy.

My sex life improved the day I realized that size wasn’t the only thing that a partner was interested in and that it could be forgotten in place of getting her to the bliss that was possible from so many other things.

If you feel negative or ambivalent about your genitals, perhaps you too just need to familiarize yourself with your own anatomy. Sit down in the nude with a mirror and the following chapter on anatomy, and explore. Masturbate—this is an excellent way to appreciate your genitals; it feels great and can have a direct impact on self-esteem!

I think that my most memorable masturbation experience was when I was learning about how I looked and what made me feel good. I watched myself masturbating while looking in a mirror I had near my bed.

Attitudes about Sex and Pleasure

Just as we should question media messages about body type, so too should we question the messages we receive about sex and pleasure. Whether it’s a politician telling you to “just say no” to sex, a support group urging you to admit that you’re a “sex addict,” or a teacher warning that “boys are only after one thing,” you’ve got to stay on your toes to keep your sexual self-esteem intact. We’re exposed to negative messages at every turn—from parents, religious institutions, friends, media, sex “experts,” medical professionals, lovers. Internalizing these messages can leave you feeling—depending on the script—inadequate, oversexed, presumptuous, promiscuous, or ignorant.

Early on, young men would always express shock that was half excited and half scornful of my powerful desire and aggressive sexuality. It has taken me a long time to get over feeling like my passion is bad, and I still fight it with my whole being.

My mother and my old religion, Mormonism, really affected my sexual development. My mom always had a sort of negative outlook on sex. She never actually said, “Sex is bad. Avoid it, because that’s all they want from you,” but I felt it from her, and I never heard her say the reverse, “Sex is beautiful.”

I’ve been sexually active since I was 15, so a huge change for me has been just claiming my own desire, learning to communicate what my needs are, what I require of a partner, etc. Our culture doesn’t always allow this of women, and especially as a woman growing up under a Republican administration, in the deep South, with conservative parents, sexuality and sexual freedom weren’t exactly subjects of household conversation.

Thanks to Puritan and Victorian ancestors, many of us have inherited the belief that abstinence and self-control are the highest virtues. As a result, we sometimes question whether we even deserve sexual pleasure. If we answer yes, the next question becomes: How much do we deserve? Won’t too much lead to dependency? Disease? A bad reputation? This fear can play itself out in our sex lives in many ways—perhaps we don’t masturbate as often as we like, or we feel selfish having more than one orgasm, or we don’t ask for what we really want to avoid the risk of sounding greedy. Even if you are well-informed about sex, you may still find it a bit overwhelming to confront the sheer amount of pleasure you’re capable of having. You may unconsciously find an abundance of pleasure intimidating and wonder if there must not be something wrong with feeling so good.

We can’t wave a magic wand and erase centuries of social conditioning, but we would urge you to be conscious of these underlying influences. A lot of our customers are so accustomed to the notion of sexual deprivation that they become alarmed at how easy it is to feel good with sex toys. A common concern is, “If I buy this vibrator, won’t it ruin me for regular sex?” What an interesting concern! After all, no one refuses to bake a chocolate mousse cake on the grounds that it might “ruin” them for apple pie—more likely, you’d leap at the chance to expand your dessert repertoire. Our experience suggests that increased sexual pleasure doesn’t lead to anarchy, the destruction of your relationship, or the degradation of family values. Instead, the more pleasure you have, the more pleasure you’re capable of having.

Confidence Boosters

Nothing boosts your self-image like confidence. How do you gain sexual self-confidence? The same way you gain anything else worth having—practice, determination, feedback, study, and some risk-taking. You’ve got to want good sex badly enough to work for it. Here are a few suggestions.

Sexual Agency

Identifying as a sexual person who deserves a life full of rich, glorious, and endlessly satisfying sexual encounters is vital to your sexual self-image. If you believe you’re not worthy of good sex, others will sense this too. If you wait around for others to bestow great sex upon you, it may never happen. Be active, articulate, and selfish when it comes to your sexual desires.

I feel lucky that I grew up during the reign of Madonna. I truly credit that woman for helping me be the sexually aggressive and sexually unashamed woman I’ve become. I was about 8 years old when Madonna first appeared on the scene and I’ve been a fan since then. She made it perfectly clear that her sexuality was important and that it should be respected. I really took that to heart. I don’t expect a partner to be solely responsible for my sexual pleasure. I’ve been using vibrators since I was 18. I know how to please myself.

I’m mature enough to understand that I shouldn’t settle for less than what I want, or expect others to settle for less than what they want. And I stick with people who accept me for who I am.

When my partner is sexually aggressive and her desire to touch me is evident—that makes me feel sexy and beautiful.

Resources

Remember those teachers who told you, “no question is too stupid”? Take this to heart when it comes to satisfying your sexual curiosity. Sexual ignorance is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of; it’s not as though you flunked a standardized test somewhere along the way. Most of us receive a negligible amount of sex information in our youth, yet suddenly when we reach “the age of consent” we’re supposed to know how to please ourselves and our partners. Where are we supposed to have gained this expertise? Certainly not from our peers, who are fumbling around in the dark as much as we are. Use resources. Many books, videos, and websites today offer excellent sex information. Or you may find that an approachable relative, older sibling, friend, therapist, or knowledgeable sex partner can provide enlightening advice.

I always feel more sexually confident when I feel knowledgeable. So if I’ve just read a book or talked to a friend and learned about a new technique, it makes me feel more excited about trying it.

I have for years gone in search of positive images and words that have helped me raise my sexual self-esteem.
On Our Backs
and movies like
Hard Love
and
How to Fuck in High Heels
helped me realize the beauty and eros of my body and my desire, as well as books such as
Stone Butch Blues, Doing It for Daddy,
and
The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.
Also, my experience and conversations with a few caring lovers have provided opportunities to explore my sexuality and push my edges.

Practice

This is obvious! The more sexual experience you gain, the more confident you’ll be when it comes to pleasing yourself or a lover.

After doing it alone so much, I now have the confidence to masturbate in front of my partners, and I get off seeing them become aroused by this. I’ve learned how to satisfy a man and I enjoy being told that I give the “best sex he’s ever had.” I am not prudish so am willing to act out fantasies.