The Girl With No Past (15 page)

‘Leah?’

It was Julian.

And now it was too late to turn back.

Although I recognised him immediately, he looked different from his photo. Not worse, or better, just different. I was so used to seeing him in two dimensions that it was odd seeing him standing before me in the flesh. My first thought was how different he looked to Adam. Julian was almost blond and quite pale, while Adam had been dark, his skin permanently tanned as if he lived somewhere exotic.

Julian smiled at me, waiting for me to speak. I had to say something before I ruined everything. Before he realised he’d made a grave mistake.

‘Hi, yeah.’ I held out my hand, not sure that was the right thing to do in this kind of situation. No amount of planning could have prepared me for that moment, the awkwardness I would feel meeting a stranger. A man. Who wasn’t Adam.

‘So this is weird, isn’t it?’ Julian said, reaching for my hand and shaking it with a hard grip. Maybe he felt as uncomfortable as I did, but I doubted he was as inexperienced as I was. ‘All the way here, I planned what to say when I saw you, but I’ve forgotten it all. Anyway, thanks for meeting up.’

I couldn’t believe he was thanking me; I was the one who should be grateful. Julian might just be the person to help me have a normal life.

‘It is a bit strange,’ I said, letting go of his hand. ‘Where would you like to go?’

‘Well, I don’t know this area that well. What do you recommend?’

Now was my chance to get him to go anywhere other than a pub, but other than coffee shops I couldn’t think of a single place to go.

‘How about a walk?’ I wasn’t sure where we would end up but walking had to be better than sitting somewhere while Julian sized me up. He agreed it was a good idea and told me to lead the way.

I knew only one direction to go from there and that was towards Fulham. We could just keep walking, and if we ended up at Putney Bridge then at least there would be a decent view to discuss.

‘But if we’re going out in the cold we’ll need something to warm us up,’ Julian said, winking. I didn’t know what he meant until he led me into Costa to buy hot drinks.

As we walked up Fulham Palace Road, both of us clutching our takeaway cups, I began to relax. The man beside me no longer seemed like a stranger. He was the Julian I had been talking to for weeks now, his nerves forgotten. And I was the person I had created. It was easy to forget who I was as I hung on to every word that left his mouth, but it was harder to shed thoughts of Adam every time I wasn’t looking at him.

‘You know, I’ve never gone on a walk for a first date,’ he said, bringing me back to him. ‘Not that I’m complaining. It’s refreshing to do something different. There’s only so much I can take of bars and pubs. Even restaurants.’

The further we walked, the fewer people were around and I felt even better. It might not have been a conventional date but I had taken a chance and it felt good.

‘Are you hungry?’ Julian asked, stopping outside a fish and chips shop. Being sick with nerves all day, I hadn’t eaten much and didn’t want to now, not in front of Julian. I was only just getting my head around talking to him.

‘Not yet, but maybe soon?’ It was the best I could offer.

He seemed disappointed. ‘Course, that’s fine. I’m just a bit of a pig, that’s all. Always thinking of my stomach.’

I gave him a nudge. ‘You’re not a pig, it is probably dinner time.’

The frown on his face was soon replaced by a smile and it made me feel good to think I had put it there, no matter how trivial our conversation was. It was a start.

As we walked, I realised it didn’t feel strange being with Julian. I no longer felt the burden of my inexperience, it had been lifted from my shoulders. This felt right. I stopped worrying about what I was saying and felt free to be me. As much as I could allow myself.

‘You intrigue me, Leah,’ Julian said, as we headed along Fulham Palace Road. ‘I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever been fascinated by someone before. I mean, I’ve had relationships, of course, but I just kind of fell into them. But when I started talking to you…I don’t know…I just couldn’t stop. I felt like you were someone I had to know.’

I couldn’t reply. His words had lifted me up, sent my head spinning. Eventually I pulled myself together. ‘I know what you mean. It was the same for me.’

He smiled at that and turned to me, grabbing my hand. I felt shocked by the feel of his skin against mine, but I didn’t flinch. It felt good.

He smiled. ‘Thank God you said that. For a minute I thought I’d messed up big time.’

By the time we reached Putney Bridge I no longer felt cold. Julian’s hand still clutched mine, and I basked in the warmth it spread to my body. It was funny how certain people could make you feel so comfortable, so at home. I supposed Maria did too, and Ben. But it was Julian’s company I hungered for.

He seemed impressed with the view, guiding me over to the railing in a place I’d stood many times before on my own. This was better, this was how it was supposed to be. Because it was dark, the twinkling lights made the river even more spectacular and as we leaned over the barrier, Julian cuddled against me. Once again I was startled by the feel of his body against mine, but I welcomed it and kept my nerves to myself, relishing the moment.

‘This is great,’ Julian said. ‘You won’t find views like this where I live.’

We stood together staring out at the river, and I concentrated on the feel of Julian’s arm against mine. But if I continued staring ahead, it wasn’t him standing next to me, it was Adam. Someone I didn’t want to think about. There was a seemingly decent man next to me yet all I could focus on was the shadow of someone I would never be able to see again.

‘I was thinking,’ Julian said, and I turned to him, forcing Adam to vanish. ‘How about we grab some ingredients, go back to yours and I’ll cook us a meal? I’m no Jamie Oliver but I can knock up a decent curry. I would say my place but it’s a bit far.’

Normally I would have said no. I would have thrown out a million excuses for why he couldn’t come back, but thoughts of Adam still lurked in the back of my mind and I was caught off guard. I didn’t want to blow things with Julian and how would he feel if I said no? He would definitely think I had something to hide and I’d never see him again. Maria had just been round and that hadn’t been too bad so maybe I could handle it? I had to try. And this would show my emailer that I was stronger than ever.

‘Okay. But I have to warn you, my flat’s in a bit of a state at the moment so…’

‘I won’t even notice. I’ll be too busy cooking.’

And once again Julian had put me at ease.

It was a strange feeling having him in my flat. Maria being there had helped, but this was different. He was a man and he wasn’t Adam. And he was in my kitchen, cooking a more extravagant meal than I had ever tried to attempt. The smell of Thai green curry filled the flat and it seemed so out of place there, just like Julian. I wasn’t even sure I was hungry but didn’t want to offend him.

I had lost count of how many times I’d apologised for the state of my flat, but Julian brushed each one off, assuring me his flat was not fit for human eyes. Hadn’t Maria said something similar? I knew he was lying. Nobody so well groomed would live in a mess.

Julian had bought a bottle of wine, but standing in line at Tesco’s had given me plenty of time to come up with an excuse not to have any. Antibiotics, I told him, trying not to feel guilty at his visible disappointment. Instead he’d rushed off and bought me some elderflower juice. ‘The next best thing,’ he had said.

We sat at my tiny kitchen table and once the food was in front of me I no longer felt nervous about eating. And one bite of it assured me it tasted as good as it looked and smelt. There had to be a catch; how could the man seem so perfect?

‘I think Jamie Oliver should be worried,’ I said, enjoying watching the smile spread across his face at my compliment.

‘Next time I’ll do steak,’ he said. ‘That’s if…you want there to be a next time?’

I nodded but couldn’t speak, pretending I was swallowing a mouthful of rice.

I knew it would have to come crashing down around me, that there would be something to stifle my joy. Since we’d got back to the flat I had succeeded in pushing away the constant images of Adam that refused to leave me alone. But if it wasn’t his face I could see, it was his voice, replacing Julian’s with no warning.

It got worse after dinner. At Julian’s suggestion we moved to the sofa with our drinks. It had only two seats, which meant we were close enough that our legs were touching. I tried to focus on Julian’s words: something about his job, but I wasn’t really there. I was back in my old bedroom at Mum’s house, with Adam. Then in Adam’s bedroom.

Julian didn’t seem to notice I was distracted, or that his leg was pushing into mine, and he suggested we watch a film. I didn’t have any DVDs, or even a DVD player, so we flicked through the TV channels and noticed
Independence Day
had just started. I had no interest in the film, but it was nice being there with Julian.

‘Are you comfortable?’ he asked, settling back.

I nodded, but of course, I wasn’t. Not any more. I hadn’t expected to feel Adam’s presence so heavily and it was becoming harder to push aside. Julian was nothing like him, and we were much older, yet it felt the same.

‘You can lean on me,’ Julian said, pointing to his shoulder. At first I wasn’t sure I wanted to, even though I was attracted to him. If I moved any closer he would feel even more like the ghost of my past.

But I did. And a few minutes later I felt Julian’s soft lips against my forehead. The sensation had been alien to me for so long, my body didn’t know how to react and I froze. Julian must have noticed my body tense and he stopped suddenly, turning back to the television.

He didn’t kiss me again after that. Instead, he said he needed some coffee and asked if I wanted one. When I said I’d prefer a green tea, he smiled and headed off to the kitchen.

‘I think I’ll have one of those too,’ he said. ‘Make up for that unhealthy curry.’

Coming back to the sofa, we sipped our drinks and continued watching the film.

And that’s all I remember.

When I woke in the morning, with light flooding through the windows, I was curled up on the sofa and there was no sign of Julian. I knew he wasn’t in the bathroom, it was too quiet. Too still. I checked each room, just to make sure, and that’s when I noticed the kitchen was spotless, everything he’d used to cook washed and put away. Even the mugs we’d used for our tea. And with no note or message or anything, it was as if he had never been in my flat.

FOURTEEN

‘Can Adam come over today?’

Mum nods but doesn’t look up from her paper, and I can feel Dad’s heavy stare on me. He has an important meeting today and won’t be home until late. Please don’t let him make a fuss.

‘Wasn’t he only here yesterday?’ he says.

‘No, Imogen was here. Remember?’ I take a bite of the omelette Mum has made and it tastes nice but burns my throat.

It’s the Christmas holidays now and Dad has been grumpy and miserable for days. I know he prefers it when I’m at school; the house is all his then and he has peace and serenity, as he likes to point out.

‘I just think you’re too young for a boyfriend. There’s plenty of time for that. What’s the rush?’

I’m sick of Dad’s hypocrisy. He and Mum were only sixteen when they met so what’s the difference? There is one rule for them and one for me and I can’t stand it.

‘I keep telling you, he’s not my boyfriend,’ I say. But I can tell them this lie until my throat dries up; they’ll never believe it.

‘Oh, it’s fine,’ Mum says, finally looking up. ‘I’ll be here all day anyway.’ I silently thank her for saving me from another day without Adam and glare at Dad. He looks away as if he knows he’s in the wrong. I don’t know what his problem is; Adam has never done anything wrong – at least that they know about – and is always on his best behaviour around them. Anyway, who cares? Adam is coming over and that’s all that matters for now.

We finish our omelettes in silence and then Mum busies herself preparing for her book club this evening. She takes it so seriously and prepares detailed questions for all the women to debate. Sometimes I think I’d like to go, but I need to keep all my spare time for Adam. We hardly get a chance to be alone so when we can, I snap up the opportunity.

I overhear Mum on the phone, calling all the women to tell them the book club will be at our house this evening instead of at Lorraine’s. Clearly neither of my parents trusts me.

Dad rushes off to his meeting, and before he leaves he kisses my cheek, but the anger is still there. He will never approve of Adam.