The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (17 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband. “Now I guess he’ll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

“Why?” asks her friend. “Don’t you have a vase?”

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight. Only $5.00 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238.

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

The man responded, “Ten pounds.”

The voice replied, “Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

At about 9:00 a.m. the next morning the man got a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.”

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, “Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.”

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

The somewhat-less-overweight man replied, “Twenty pounds.”

“Very well,” the voice on the phone told him. “Give me your credit card number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”

At about 8:00 a.m. the next morning, the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.” The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, “Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

This is fantastic! he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

“Fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed.

“Fifty pounds?” the voice asked. “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.”

The man replied, “Listen, here’s my credit card number. You just have your representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 a.m. the next morning the man got out of bed, splashed on some cologne and got ready for the next representative.

At about 7:00 a.m. he heard a knock on the door. When he opened the door, he saw this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating: “If I can catch you, I can have you!”

Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?

A. Nothing.

An old man was on the beach and he walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini.

“I want to feel your breasts,” he said.

“Get away from me, you dirty old man,” she replied.

“I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $5,” he said.

“$5!! Get away from me!”

“I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $10,” he said.

“NO! Get away from me!”

“$50,” he said.

She paused to think about it, but then came to her senses and said, “I said NO!”

“$100 if you let me feel your breasts,” he said.

She thought, well he is old and $100 would be very handy. “Well, OK, but only for a minute,” she said.

She loosened her bikini top and while they’re both standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel...and then he started saying, “OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD,” while he was caressing them.

So, out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying ‘Oh my god?’”

While continuing to fondle her tits he answered, “OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get $100?”

A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a guy wakes one morning to find his dick covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Engrish doctah, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”

“Oh, thank goodness!” the man replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself... You save money.”