The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (13 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man wakes up one morning with the worst hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are neatly folded on the dresser with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note that says, “Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.”
Downstairs, he finds his favorite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee waiting for him, along with the morning paper and his 15-year-old son who is finishing his own breakfast.
“Tell me, son,” he asks, “what happened last night?”’
“Well,” says the boy, “you came home so drunk you didn’t even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when mom tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.”
“Christ!” says the man. “Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?”
“When mom dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your pants off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, ‘Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I’m married!’”
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
“What happened to you?” asked his wife.
“I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!”
“I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife. “But how did you get the second black eye?”
“Well, I figured she liked it that way,” said the husband, “so I pushed it back in.”
It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, sleeveless pink spring dress with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband notices his excitement and suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs,” the husband says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”
A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make: The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it’s okay with her. The guy thinks about it for a while, and says he does not mind that she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turns to the girl and says that he also wants to make a confession: He says that below his waist he is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it’s okay with him. The girl thinks about it for a while and says that she does not mind, and that she also believes there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They are happy that they are honest with each other and go on to Vegas and get married. On their wedding night, the girl takes off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy takes off his clothes. One glance at the guy’s naked body and the girl faints and falls to the floor. After she regains consciousness the guy says, “I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?”
The girl says, “You told me it was just like a baby.”
The guy replies, “Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches.
Q. What are the three words men hate to hear during sex?
A. “Are you done?”
Q. What are the three words women hate to hear during sex?
A. “Honey, I’m home!”
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
A couple were having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to a doctor.
He examined them and concluded that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry position.
The man said, “What is that?”
The doctor replied, “Just watch the dogs and do like they do.”
The man said, “My wife is very shy and she won’t do that.”
The doctor replied, “Try giving her a glass of wine or two and she will lose all inhibition.”
Some while later, the doctor met the man, pushing a stroller.
“I see it worked!” the doctor said.
“Yes it did, Doc, but now the problem is my wife is an alcoholic!”
“How did that happen?” the doctor asked.
“Well, every time we did it, it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front garden!”
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