The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (10 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
“Mom, where do babies come from?”
“Well, dear, a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room and they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.”
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, dear.”
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea. Let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Why not,” giggles the woman.
“Right,” he replies. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice, “Could you please take me to Times Square?”
In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation, “Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”
The nun says, “Why no, my son, whatever is on your mind?”
The cab driver says, “About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin’ it?”
The nun replies, “Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand.”
The driver says, “Well, would ya ever consider, you know, doin’ it?”
The nun replies, “Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it.”
The cab driver says, “Well what would those conditions happen to be?”
The nun replies, “Well, he’d have to be Catholic, unmarried and could certainly have no children.”
The cab driver says, “Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why don’t youse come on up here...I won’t even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me.”
The nun looks around: They are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her. At the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cab driver is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cab driver begin to laugh.
The nun inquires, “Why, my son, what is so humorous?”
The cab driver sneers, “Sista, I got ya. I’m Protestant, I’m married, and I’ve got four kids.”
And from the back of the cab comes the nun’s low-voiced response, “Yeah, well my name’s Dave and I’m on my way to a costume party.”
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into some quicksand and began to sink. Scared for is life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help.
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back in the quicksand, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink, crying out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island. After wandering around for a few hours he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest he was taken before the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a chance to live, but only if he passed three tests in three huts.
The first had a keg of rum inside: He had to drink the keg dry.
The second had a tiger with a sore tooth: He had to remove it.
The third had a woman who had never been satisfied: He had to satisfy her.
With confidence he strode into the first, and about an hour later stumbled out plastered.
“Get me to the next hut!” he yelled.
In the second hut all was quiet, and then roars and screams were heard. This was followed by sudden quiet again.
As he stumbled out of the hut he roared, “OK, goddammit, now where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
A man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes the man to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, “We’ve received the results back from your tests. We’ve found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes.”
“Oh my god,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously.
“Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
A Priest went to the doctor in a panic and asked him, “What does it mean, Doc, if when I take a pee it burns like the fire of Satan and I have this god-awful drip?”
The doctor smiled and said, “It means the altar boy lied—he wasn’t a virgin.”
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