The Future of Our Past (The Remembrance Trilogy) (40 page)

The band started to play a song that had come to mean a lot to us when we were apart. Julia wrapped her arm around mine and leaned her head on my shoulder as the lyrics flooded the arena. The booms of the bass emphasized the words that held so much meaning for us. We’d made love to this song and ended up in tears in each other’s arms on several occasions. It spoke of separation and wasted time and, as always, my heart tightened. She turned her face into my neck. She was getting emotional so I put my arm across her legs and kissed her forehead. Words were unnecessary. We knew each other so well.

“Hey, you…that shit is almost behind us.”

She clutched at me harder and I felt her tears dripping on my skin as she nodded. I pushed her hair back but she kept her face hidden. I worried that there was something wrong, but the noise and the crowd kept me from asking.

“Julia, are you okay?”

I frowned.
Why is she so upset?
I tried to reassure her, “It’s okay, sweets. Soon, forever starts for us.”

She scrambled onto my lap, oblivious to the people around us, kissing me softly as the song continued. I couldn’t help myself, my mouth devoured hers, deepening the kisses. We kissed again and again with a desperation that confused me. My hand slid underneath the curtain of her hair as I tilted her head so my mouth could slant across hers, kissing her deeper and sliding my tongue in to dance with hers.

I pulled my mouth from hers as the song faded out. “In just a few months, baby. I can’t wait. I love you so damn much.”

“Take me home, Ryan. I’m sorry, I know the concert isn’t over, but I need you.”

She didn’t have to ask me twice.

*****

This was my last night with Julia. I was planning to ask her to marry me over dinner. The ring was in my pocket and, even though I knew that she’d accept, I was nervous. We’d talked about marriage many times and it was a given. I smiled to myself in anticipation.

She looked beautiful in a little black dress, dark hose and black heels. So elegant. Her hair was pulled up on the sides, but fell in long waves down her back and my bracelet sparkled on her wrist. She wore the diamond solitaire necklace I’d given her last Christmas and some long diamond drop earrings. Breathtaking.

Her features were calm but there was something going on behind her beautiful green eyes. She’d been so quiet today. Last night was a miracle, another amazing all night sex-a-thon that had started the minute we’d entered her apartment. We couldn’t get enough of each other. No surprise, but, there was something unspoken that made her more needy and wanting than usual.

I’d pushed her up against the wall in the hall and removed her clothes slowly. From the moment our mouths touched, she was clutching at my shoulders, frantic in her efforts to get closer. The lovemaking was intense, full of emotions that swelled up inside us both. The tears on her cheeks confused me and caused me pause, but when I’d asked about it she’d shushed me, begging me not to talk and just feel. She made love to me as if she’d never see me again. Goodbye was always hard, but this time would be the last time, so I didn’t really understand her desperation or her tears.

I closed my eyes as a lump rose in my throat. The way she affected me, how much I loved her…It was like my life-force. Consuming and endless.

I watched her pick at her food for twenty minutes. This was her favorite restaurant in New York and she loved coming here, but tonight she was listless, pensive…a little preoccupied.

“Julia.” I reached across the table for her hand.

She looked up from her plate and set her fork aside. “Hmmmm?”

“Are you feeling alright?”

She smiled slightly. “Yes,
Doctor
. My antibiotic course only has two days left. I feel one hundred percent better.”

I sighed and cocked my head to one side. “Then, when are you going to tell me?” I asked as I softly caressed her hand by rubbing my thumb in circles over the top of it.

“Tell you what?” she murmured, her eyes avoiding mine.

“Whatever it is that has been on your mind. Especially today, you’ve been…preoccupied and distant.”

“Ryan Matthews. You didn’t think I was distant when we made love in the shower not two hours ago,” she said, trying to tease me but I was getting worried that something major was wrong.

She was trying to distract me, and I knew it. As wonderful as that had been, I knew her well enough to know when she was hedging. This was serious. I reached for her hand again.

“Julia, please. I’m starting to worry, so will you please just tell me what the fuck is going on? Have you…met someone else?”

Her mouth dropped open and she stared at me, stunned as she yanked her hand away from mine angrily. “Hmmph!” Her breath rushed out in a huff. “Do you think I could make love with you like I have, if there was anybody else, Ryan? Where the hell did that come from?” Her face flushed and her expression was angry.

“Sex has always been amazing between us…but it’s been so desperate this weekend.” My eyes bore into hers and she looked away, unable to meet the intensity of my gaze. My heart lurched. “Every touch feels like you’re telling me goodbye.”

“But…I’ve told you a hundred times in the last three days that I love you. Weren’t you listening?”

“Sometimes love doesn’t stop bad shit from happening. We’ve had so much distance between us that something could have…”

“No! Not in this lifetime, Ryan!” Her eyes were wide and wild as she spoke in angry tones. “You have to stop this. You’ve dealt with the same distance, so should I assume you’ve fucked around? I mean…If you think I could have, then…”

Heat infused the skin of my face and neck, my lungs tightened.

“No! But, think about it from where I’m sitting!” I leaned back in my chair and ran my hand, still stinging from the sudden absence of her touch, through my hair. “Here is the woman I love beyond reason, my best friend in the world, who tells me Goddamn
everything
…who I haven’t seen in almost two fucking months and she’s
not
talking to me! You’re withdrawn and completely closed off…except in bed! Tell me what in the hell I’m supposed to think? I mean, we only have four months until I’m done with school and I want to start figuring out the logistics of being together, but it feels like you are pulling away. And it will just…” I softened my voice because my throat got tight and closed off. “Well, it will
kill me
if that’s what’s happening after all this time apart. I mean…
what the fuck
?”

The pain in my voice was obvious. Her eyes filled with tears as she leaned forward and reached for my hand again, finally meeting my eyes. Her grasp was hard and her voice a broken whisper.

“Listen to me! There is and
never has been
anyone else, damn you. No one else
exists
for me, and you
know
it!” she said urgently. Her chest was heaving and she looked like she was going to lose it, her free hand frantically brushed a tear off of her cheek. “I can’t even believe you said that to me. I can’t do this here, Ryan, okay?”

This was bad and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach. My eyes burned, stinging like they were on fire, my breathing was labored, coming in short bursts. I pulled out my wallet and threw a hundred and a twenty on the table and stood up, holding my hand out to my Julia.

My Julia.
Why was I still afraid that might change? Why did I feel like I was drowning?

I put my arm around her as we walked to the car and I could hear her softly crying. After I opened the door, I caught her arm before she got in, turning her to face me.

“Just tell me you’re not leaving me. I have to hear it,
now
,” I begged.

Julia was hurting, too. It was evident when she closed her eyes, tears squeezed from under her lids to run down her cheeks. Her arms slid around my waist, burying her face into the front of my suit jacket and sobbed. I pulled her tightly against my chest and pressed my face into her hair, the confusion was eating me alive.

“I’ll
never
leave you, Ryan. I told you the first time you made love to me that I’d be with you as long as you wanted me. So, stop with this shit,
please
. This isn’t good, but it’s not about us breaking up…unless that’s what
you
want it to be,” she cried brokenly.

I sighed in relief as the tightness in my chest lessened slightly. “That will never happen; but, it hurts that you’re hiding something from me.”

“Let’s just go back to the apartment. I’d have told you sooner, but I wanted this weekend to be perfect.”

The ride back was edged with tension and filled with silence. My knuckles whitened as I gripped the steering wheel and Julia huddled in her seat, staring out the window.

She rushed in ahead of me and I followed, aching, behind her.

I shrugged out of my jacket and pulled my tie loose, throwing both over the couch as Julia dropped her coat by the door. I unbuttoned my cuffs and started rolling the sleeves up my forearms, all the while watching her.

Waiting
.

Only a few seconds passed but it felt like forever. I walked to her and took her hand gently in mine, staring into her deep green eyes. Eyes full of love and fear. My thumb brushed the top of her hand over and over as I pulled Julia with me to the end of the hall to her bedroom and closed the door behind us. I’d be glad to get her out of this apartment in a few months and hopefully move in with her, my ring firmly on her finger and wedding plans in the works.
Finally. At least…I’d thought so three hours ago.

I sat on the bed and pulled her to stand in front of me, my hands on her hips and I lowered my head so that the top of it rested on her stomach. I made little circles on her hipbones and sighed when I felt her glorious hands thread through my hair. I could always feel the incredible love in her touch. It flowed between us like a circuit and it gave me a semblance of comfort in this shit storm.

Julia.

“Please just tell me what it is,” I said in defeat, and took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. I thought my rigid lungs would split under the effort.

“I’ve been…given a promotion.”

My heart leapt as I looked up quickly to her face. She didn’t look happy. She was shaking, her voice full of grief. My brow fell as I frowned up at her.

“I don’t understand why that makes you unhappy.” I pulled her down on my lap and her forehead fell onto my shoulder. One arm cradled her back and the other came up to brush her cheek lightly. She pressed her face into my hand.

“They…they’re sending me to Paris, Ryan. For at least six months,” her voice cracked, “maybe a year.”

The air rushed from my lungs as those words dropped like nuclear bombs around me.

“What do you mean they’re
sending
you? You don’t have to take it.” I said harshly, fear gripping my chest like a vice.

“They want me to head up a team to work on the European issue of Vogue. It will give me experience with the workings of Paris Fashion Week and get me familiar with some of the major designers. If I ever want to be Style Editor or Creative Director here, I have to have connections over there. They think this is the best way for me to get them,” she said softly.

“No,” I said sternly as I tightened my arms around her in protest. “No, Julia. I’m almost done with med school! It’s time to start our life together! We’ve waited and struggled for too damn long to screw it up now!”

Julia suddenly pushed off of my lap and walked to the window. She put one hand on her hip and brought the other up to her mouth, standing there with her back to me in silence. Finally, she shook her head and her voice trembled when she spoke.

“
No
? You’re telling me
no
after I moved to New York all by myself to be near you, Ryan?” Her tone was quiet.

“Yeah! Fucking
no
!” I stood up and yelled the words, startling her. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. “I can’t believe you’re even considering this!”

“This isn’t just a job anymore! For God’s sake! I could be at the top of a major pub in a year or less. I might even get
Vanity Fair
if I play my cards right. Their style editor is set to retire soon.”

I knew I had to calm down if I wanted her to listen, but I was so upset my hands were shaking. I moved up behind her raising my hands to rest them on her shoulders. “Julia…” I began but she flinched away from me, whirling around to face me.

“No! You don’t get to make this decision, Ryan! Not like this.” She shook her head in frustration. “This is why I was scared to tell you! I knew you’d be upset, but I never in my wildest dreams expected you to dictate to me what my decision was going to be without even so much as a conversation. I mean, where in the hell do you get off!?” Her voice had elevated and her eyes wild. She was furious, but so was I.

How is this happening?

“I’m not trying to
dictate
to you, Julia! But it is un-fucking-believable that you would even consider leaving me now! What am I supposed to do? Wasn’t I moving to New York for my residency?
Wasn’t I
?!” She flinched as I ranted at her and threw my arms in the air. “So, now what? If I start it in Boston, I
will
finish it there. That is another four years minimum. I’m not doing this long distance shit for four more years, Julia.
I’m not
!!” Suddenly, the room felt like a shoebox as I paced back and forth. “I thought you loved me.” It was a cheap shot, but damn it, I was feeling desperate.