The Five Stages of Falling in Love (16 page)

“I know exactly what you mean. What are your plans for tomorrow?”

She hesitated with her hand on the frosted screen door. “Trevor is going to come over in the morning and then we’ll go to my brother’s house. Clay has five children of his own and sixteen grandchildren. It should be busy enough to keep us entertained.”

“Thank you for spending tonight with us, Katherine. I know things have been strained lately… I just wanted to apologize for my behavior on Thanksgiving. I should never have said those things to Trevor. And I feel terrible for ruining your meal and-”

“Liz, please don’t bother apologizing to me.” Her gloved hand landed on my shoulder. I lifted my eyes to meet hers wet with new tears. “I know how hard it is now that Grady is gone and I know how frustrated you must be with my son’s behavior. But do you know what I saw on Thanksgiving?”

I shook my head; I couldn’t even imagine what she saw. A woman crazed with grief?
A hot mess that should seriously consider therapy?
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.

“I saw you treat Trevor like family. And even though you were furious with him, I saw that you still love him. He doesn’t have Grady anymore, but he still has you.”

“Katherine, of course.
You are my family still, even if Grady isn’t here to legally tie us together.”

She smiled warmly at me. “When my husband died… well, I didn’t see much of his family after that. We all got too busy or moved on or I don’t know what, but it hurt me that his parents didn’t reach out more or spend time with their grandchildren. Now, I can see that they were probably too torn apart by their own grief. Besides, my boys had been much older. They were teenagers and difficult to connect with. I suppose I’ve been waiting for you to pull back too.” She cupped my face affectionately. “I couldn’t bear it, Liz. The idea of not just losing Grady, but you and the kids is too much for me. So, yes, please yell at Trevor as often as you’d like. Ruin as many holidays as you want to. Just don’t shut us out of your lives, please.”

I threw my arms around her and hugged her tightly. “I won’t,” I promised. “You are my family. Grady brought us together, but I’m going to keep us together.”

We hugged each other for a couple long minutes and then separated ways. It was easier tonight than it had been in the past. We were both hurting, but she was right, we were family too. And we would help each other get through this together.

Chapter Sixteen

By lunchtime the next day, I had thrown away at least three thousand feet of wrapping paper, dealt with approximately six hundred batteries and cried too many times to count. But we survived Christmas morning.

It helped that my parents and Emma had come to share the holiday. I didn’t think I could do this without them.

My kids endured a large part of their grief last night and the excitement of Christmas morning overrode their sadness, for which I was eternally grateful.

The morning had been insanity, as usual. But things had quieted down now that we’d enjoyed a great Christmas morning brunch and they all had brand new presents to occupy their time.

I finished up the dishes and then checked my phone for the first time all day. I had bunches of texts from various relatives wishing me happy holidays, but one stood out above all others, a text from Ben.

Merry Christmas.
He had texted about an hour ago.

Merry Christmas to you too.
Hope you had a great morning!
I wrote back.

I moved to the couch in front of the tree and tucked my feet underneath me. There were lots of things I should be doing, but I couldn’t find the motivation. And this time it wasn’t because grief had weighted me down.

For the first time in a long time, my children were happily occupied and I had a couple minutes to myself in my own home. I decided to take full advantage and enjoy this quiet moment in front of my beautiful tree before I had to take it all down.

It was a fake one, but still pretty with all the lights and ornaments hung around it. When Grady was healthy, he would make a big night out of going to pick out a real tree- the perfect tree. Then I would spend the next month vacuuming up needles. Of course, he didn’t care. He loved the fresh pine smell and the wide-eyed wonder the kids had the night we shopped for it. And to be honest, I loved it for those reasons too.

Last Christmas, when he was too sick to leave the hospital, Emma and my parents had surprised me by decorating my entire house while I was at the hospital. They had enlisted my kids’ help and had outdone themselves by making every room festive. They’d bought the fake tree because we’d all been too busy going back and forth to the hospital to deal with a real one.

I was thankful for it this year, when the same thing was true, but for different reasons.

My phone buzzed on the cushion next to me. I picked it up to find another text from Ben.
I’m celebrating with my parents tonight, so my morning has been pretty lazy so far.

I grinned when I texted back,
Pop-Tarts?

You got it. But they were the sugar cookie kind, so that’s festive, right?

You should have come over for brunch with us.
My stomach dipped after I pressed send. Why had I told him that? How inappropriate! My fingers started shaking. I had to stop sending him the wrong messages. At least it was over now though, so I didn’t have to worry about following through with the offer.

Thankfully, he didn’t acknowledge the invitation. Instead, he wrote something even more perplexing.
Are you busy now? Or do you think you could spare a few minutes?

I debated how to answer, but curiosity got the best of me.
The kids are pretty quiet right now.
Lots of new toys to play with.
What do you need?

You.

His one word answer caused my heart to spiral into overdrive. I felt my face heat with a flush and a shiver tingled down my spine.

But then the rest of his text came in and I forced myself to calm down.

You to come over.
I have something for you.

What is it?

I’m not sure you understand how Christmas works.

I smiled at his teasing words.
You want me to come over to your house?

Yes…

“Who are you texting?” Emma plopped onto the seat next to me and pulled her knees to her chest.

I looked up, immediately feeling guilty. “Ben.”

I expected her to jump up and do some kind of victory dance, but she kept her neutral expression. “Is he having a good Christmas?”

“I don’t think his has really started yet. He’s seeing his parents tonight.”

“
Gotchya
.”
She reached for a pillow and hugged it against her chest.

“He wants me to go over there,” I confessed in a rush of words. “He says he has something for me. Did he get you something?”

“Yes, he did.”

“What was it?”

“A scarf that I picked out and sent him the links for.”
She smiled shamelessly.

God, I loved my sister.

“Well, I didn’t pick out anything for him to buy me. I can’t imagine what it is.”

“Go find out.”

I chewed undecidedly on my bottom lip. “I didn’t get him anything.” My gaze bounced around the room as I tried to figure out something I could wrap quickly and re-gift.

“I doubt he is expecting anything, Lizbeth.”

“What did you get him?” Curiosity about Emma and Ben’s friendship burned oddly in my stomach. I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me that they were so close. Ben and I were close too. I shouldn’t feel jealous about what they had together.

Jealous?

Did I really feel jealous?

“A wallet,” she told me. “He picked it out and sent me the links.”

I laughed at their silly gift exchange. “Maybe he got me the same scarf.
Different color?”

“Maybe,” my sister shrugged. “It’s a very cute scarf. I guess there’s only one way to find out…”

I didn’t move a muscle. My phone screen had darkened so I couldn’t see Ben’s invitation anymore, but I felt it all over my skin and low in my belly.

“Go!” Emma encouraged. “I’ll make sure the house doesn’t burn down.”

“I won’t be gone long,” I promised, jumping up from the couch.

“Don’t worry about it if you are.”

“Okay, but I won’t be.”

“Whatever, just
go
!”

I tucked my phone into the pocket of my black skinny jeans and slipped on my boots. I had dressed up a little for Christmas in a red, silky shirt-style tunic and gold
bangly
jewelry. It was the most effort I had made since Thanksgiving. I pulled on my coat as I slipped out the front door.

I hurried from my house to his, making long, dragging footsteps in the snow across our lawns. It was cold outside and I was anxious to see this present.

I raised my hand to knock on his door, but it swung open for me instead. My hand hung there while he took his time raking his eyes from my toes to the top of my head. He nudged the screen door open and I slid by him into his house.

Ben had never invited me over to his house before. He always came over to mine, for obvious reasons.

He had good taste though. The rooms I could see were decorated with rich browns and aged wood accents. I could picture him stretched out on the chunky leather couch, watching something on his massive TV mounted to the wall. There was a small tree set on an end table with a few gifts wrapped professionally beneath. The only thing I could find fault with was that his beautiful house felt a little empty. It was such a big space for only him.

“I like your house better.” His low voice came from behind me. His fingers landed on my shoulders and tugged at my coat. I let him help me out of it.

“Yours is gorgeous,” I told him a little breathlessly. The pads of his fingers trailed down my arms as he removed my coat. I slipped out of my boots quickly to put space between us.

“Mine is lonely,” he said. “Yours is full of life.”

I spun around to face him. I would have never described my house like that. To me, my house felt full of death.
Full of ghosts.
Full of memories that ate at me day and night.

“Why did you buy such a big house for only you?” Changing the subject seemed like the wisest decision.

He took a step towards me and I took a quick one back. He smiled a little, amused with my jumpy behavior.

I couldn’t help it! This was the first time we had ever been alone, truly alone. The kids weren’t asleep in the other room or running around at our feet. It was just he and I and this great big house.

Nerves skittered over my skin and pooled in my stomach. I didn’t know how to handle all of these feelings and sensations, especially because my reaction seemed so silly.

Ben saw me as a friend, not anything more, but not anything less either.

“Well, I didn’t think I would always be the only one living in it,” he admitted.

“Oh.” I sidestepped his couch and looked into the kitchen. Sure enough, a box of Christmas Pop-Tarts sat on the counter. “Mrs. Tyler and the kids, you mean?”

I turned back to see him shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe when I first bought it, I thought that. But, I’m not sure this is the right place to raise a family anymore.”

“You think you’d move?” I hated the sinking feeling that washed over me, a heavy wave that threatened to drag me under a new surface of sadness.

He watched me carefully, when he said, “I would move for the right woman.”

His words hurt in a way I never expected them to. Talking about Ben finding the woman he wanted to marry was one thing, but facing the reality that I could lose him completely someday had never occurred to me. My heart squeezed with confusion and resistance.

I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted to keep Ben to myself. Selfishly, I didn’t care about his happiness or desire to get married and have kids. I wanted him always, just like we were.

“Liz, I… I want to… I have your gift.” He walked over to the small tree and pulled a perfectly wrapped present from beneath it.

An ivory card sat against the red plaid paper and gold bow. My name was written in his slender scrawl.

“Are you going to tell me what it is?” I looked up at him with shaking hands, almost too afraid to see what he had thought to buy me.

It didn’t feel like a scarf.

“How about I watch you open it instead.”

“I didn’t buy you anything, Ben. I’m so sorry; I barely got the shopping done for my kids-”

“Liz,” he said in a soft voice, cutting off my rambling. His warm hand wrapped around my trembling one. “I never expected one in return. I bought this because it reminded me of you. You’ve become someone that means a lot to me and I wanted to… to show you how much I care for you.”

I stared at the prettily wrapped present in my hands and debated handing it back to him. I didn’t want to know how much he cared for me.

“It’s not going to bite,” he nudged gently.

I looked up into his dark brown eyes and it hit me. I might be afraid of what this present represented on his side, but I would open it up anyway because I cared for him. I couldn’t hurt him by refusing this. I wouldn’t hurt him.

I carefully untied the bow and slid my finger beneath the seam of the paper. He took it from me so I could hold a black box without a label.

My heart jumped to my throat. I could only imagine one kind of gift in a box like this and I didn’t want it. I didn’t want jewelry from Ben. I didn’t know what jewelry from Ben even meant!

I swallowed my fear and opened the box. I gasped at the thoughtfulness behind this surprise. Relief rushed over me and I nearly stumbled from the force of it.

In the box, wrapped in shiny red tissue paper, sat a snowflake ornament made out of wine corks. A shimmery blue ribbon had been fastened to the outer edge and gave it some color.

It was a perfect gift. I loved it.

“I love it,” I told him on a whisper. I picked it up and held it delicately in my hands.

“They’re ours.”

I looked up at him, confused by what he meant. He stared at me intently, watching my reaction. “What do you mean?”

“It was an accident at first. I would put the corks in my pocket after I opened a bottle at your house and I never seemed to get them in the trash. They piled up on my dresser. Then I saw a little knickknack a coworker had bought, made out of corks. She told me she bought it at a craft fair. I tracked down the person that made them and had her make this for you.”

Awe and pleasant surprise warmed me all over. “You went to a lot of work.”

“I like how it turned out.” He reached for it, running his hands over the corks.

“We drink a lot of wine.”

He grinned at me. “We don’t always finish the bottle in one night.” He took a step closer to me, closing that confusing space that separated us. “These corks represent a lot of good times. It’s hard to believe we’ve only known each other a few months.”

“Are you saying it feels like longer?” I teased.

“I’m saying it seems like it took too long to meet you.” He took another step closer. I could feel the heat of his body and the brush of his gray sweater on my hands.

“Some days I don’t know what I would do without you,” I whispered, surprised at my courage. But these words were true and in the isolation of his quiet house I felt safe enough to speak them.

“Then I’m glad you have me.”

I looked down at the snowflake ornament, too unsettled by his words, only for him to recapture my attention when he said, “Liz, look up.”

“Why?” But I did.

“Mistletoe,” he murmured.

Then he kissed me. His soft lips pressed against mine in a gentle kiss that lasted only a second. I barely had a chance to let my eyes flutter closed before he stepped back again.

I blinked up, but there was nothing there. The only thing that hung from the vaulted ceiling was a ceiling fan.

No mistletoe.

My cheeks burned and my stomach flipped. He’d kissed me. Ben had just kissed me.

How could he? I was still married!

No, that was wrong.

Technically, I was now single, but not the kind of single girl looking to be kissed.

Still, it wasn’t an open-mouthed kiss or even that intimate. A friend could give a kiss like that.
Right?

I pressed my lips together, trying to sort out all of the sensations that had erupted inside of me. Nerves tingled beneath my skin and I heated all over.