The Five Stages of Falling in Love (11 page)

My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was probably Emma texting at the end of her date.

The last thing I wanted to do was face someone else’s happiness, but that’s why I forced my fingers to pull the phone out of my pocket and read it. I needed to climb out of the pit of despair I’d sunk into and let some light into my shattered world.

I had to get some perspective and fast or this might never end.

I sniffled and had to wipe at my eyes several times before I could read the words on my screen. The text wasn’t from Emma after all. It was from Ben.

I know you’re dying of curiosity. Emma is a fun girl.
 

How did he know that about me? It was obviously true, but I didn’t think I was that obvious.

I thought about not answering him, but he was right, curiosity was killing me.
Best date of your life? You better have treated her well.

He replied right away,
I took her to a live sex show and then we stole a car. Is that good enough?

My face heated when I read, “sex.” It was stupid of me. But I hadn’t had this kind of relationship with a man since Grady. Most men were more serious around me. I had a husband of ten years and four children. I was kept at a distance.

Well, with everyone except Ben Tyler. He apparently didn’t feel the need to handle me with kid gloves.

It took a couple of minutes to finally decide on the right response, but
eventually I said,
Emma probably loved it
.

Don’t lie- you would have loved it too.

I blinked at the text with no idea how to interpret that. It almost seemed like flirting… but he wouldn’t flirt with me, right after he got home from his date with my sister. Besides, he just got finished telling me what a good time they had.

I didn’t want to answer him, in case he thought I was flirting with him. But I didn’t want him to think he made me uncomfortable enough not to answer either.

Why was texting other people so hard?

My personality felt rusty and misused when I finally tapped out my reply. Something awakened in my chest and spread its muscle-sore wings. I couldn’t define the feeling or say exactly what it was, but I knew it felt liberating. It felt relaxing.

That’s the best you can do?
Kind of boring if you ask me.
I swiped off my screen and finished cleaning up the games.

I shut down the first floor of my beautiful, hand-crafted house that represented Grady almost as much as his children and walked upstairs with slow feet.

Crawling into my bed was something I dreaded every single night.

By the time I brushed my teeth and washed my face, my phone had buzzed twice. I didn’t check it again until I was in bed and snuggled under warm quilts.

You, Liz Carlson, are a surprise.

When I hadn’t answered after several minutes, he had texted one more time to say,
Goodnight.

“Goodnight, Ben,” I whispered to my phone as I shut it off and turned around. After my earlier breakdown, I had dreaded going to sleep tonight.

I could never seem to fall asleep after that kind of emotional trauma. There was a bottle of sleeping pills in my medicine cabinet that had been given to me right after Grady had died. I’d taken them a few times when my parents stayed with us because I felt safer with them here to watch over the kids.

I kept them just in case I was desperate. And during my breakdown I had contemplated using them. Just for tonight.

But Ben’s text message had helped calm my frantic spirit. He’d managed to pull me out of my darkness and shine a bit of light on me. I closed my eyes and drifted easily to sleep, thankful for my sister that indulged me and for my next door neighbor that could make me smile when I thought I would never smile again.

Chapter Eleven

Thanksgiving.

Had there ever been a more awful holiday?

In fact the entire day set me on edge.

I didn’t want to wake up grateful for the things I still had or spend time counting my blessings. I didn’t want to remember why I was so blessed or teach my children to count every little thing as a gift.

I wanted to stay in my three-day-old pajamas and wallow in self-pity. I wanted to drink myself through the day and eat my weight in Ben and Jerry’s. I wanted to pull all of my children into my big bed and fill it up for a change, and then I wanted to hold them close and weep.

I hadn’t cried since last Friday night. The week had passed quickly and the kids had been out of school yesterday. I enlisted them to help bake some holiday goodies and we’d turned on Top Forty and danced around the kitchen- anything to keep the shadow of our first major holiday without Grady out of their heads.

This morning I’d woken up early to Abby having a terrible nightmare. She’d screamed at the top of her lungs. I rushed to her, terrified something was wrong. She hadn’t even woken up when I crawled into bed with her and wrapped my arms around her tiny waist. She nuzzled against me and immediately quieted down.

I whispered soothing words for another hour before she woke up for good.

“Mommy?”
She was so sleepily confused that I couldn’t help but smile. Her curly hair was riotous around her freckled face and her green eyes had trouble focusing. She could be a handful, but she was
my
handful. I loved this little thing.

“You had a nightmare,” I told her.

“I know,” she whispered back.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head and hugged me tighter. “It will make you sad.”

I hadn’t pressed her. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have encouraged her to talk about it, get it out of her head and help her process. But I was afraid she was right. I didn’t want to be more depressed than I already was. The idea that Abby had a nightmare about losing her daddy paralyzed me with grief. I couldn’t do anything but hug her and promise her that it was going to be okay, even if I didn’t believe that ugly, empty promise.

I couldn’t lie to her about anything else though. So I didn’t bother telling her she wouldn’t have another nightmare or that she would feel better soon. I just made sure she knew that I was there for her, that she could
come
sleep with me anytime she was scared and that I would always be here for her if she couldn’t sleep.

I didn’t know if my words helped or hurt her in the long term, but frankly I didn’t care. This was the best I could do.

Abby and I stayed in bed a long time, just holding on to each other for dear life. Eventually the other kids trickled in as they woke up and we added them to our pile.

We didn’t have to be at lunch until eleven and so it wasn’t until
Jace
couldn’t stand being hungry anymore that we dragged ourselves from the warmth of the bed to the sustenance in the kitchen.

Now we stood on the stoop to Katherine’s quaint, all-brick house and I had started to contemplate throwing the kids back in the car and driving to the nearest Denny’s.

“Why are we just standing here?” Blake reached for the doorbell.

“I just want to make sure we’re ready,” I sighed. My children looked at me like the crazy woman that I was.
Jace
tried to jump out of my arms and dive for his nana’s house. Blake pushed the doorbell to get us out of the cold.

Trevor opened the door and mayhem ensued. The children attacked him and he wrestled them into the living room.

I set my purse down and went back to the car for the pies the kids had helped me make. I balanced the apple in one hand and the cherry in the other as I stepped over kicking little feet and Trevor’s arm as he played dead for the kids.

Katherine stood at the stove, checking the various casseroles in the oven. She looked over her shoulder when I greeted her and gave me a soft smile.

“Happy Thanksgiving,” she said.

“Happy Thanksgiving to you too.”

She examined my pies and immediately my hackles rose, maybe unfairly, but it didn’t matter. “Did the kids help you make those?”

“Yes.”

“I admire you for baking with so many children. I only had the two boys, but I couldn’t seem to manage them in the kitchen.”

I gave her a tight smile while irrational anger burned low in my stomach. I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have two kids and I didn’t have the luxury of help. She knew this. I didn’t know why she felt the need to point it out.

I decided changing the subject would be better for both of us. “Do you need any help?”

“Thank you, Liz. You could fill the water glasses on the table; we’re just about ready to eat.”

And eat we did. Katherine was an excellent cook and she served a spectacular meal. Usually she invited cousins and aunts and uncles to celebrate the holiday as well, but she’d offered to keep it small for this Thanksgiving.

It was the only reason I agreed to come over.

Honestly, the idea of facing all of Grady’s extended family without him by my side sounded like the inner circle of hell. They were overwhelming to begin with, but after Grady’s death the day would consist of nonstop questions about how I was doing or how the kids were doing or how we were managing or how I thought Trevor was handling the business.

I would have dragged Emma along, but she had flown to Florida to spend the holiday with our retired parents. She had been hesitant to go, but I had encouraged her, thinking I would be fine at my in-laws.

Dinner was as chaotic as it always was with four children to serve and maintain, but relatively low key since there were so many adults to help out.

“Should we all say something we’re thankful for?” Katherine’s cheery voice grated on my nerves. I tried to smile at Abby, encouraging her with my expression, but I couldn’t make it believable.

“Do we have to?” Abby groaned. “I’m not thankful for anything.”

“Abigail,” I hissed at her. I could see the pain written all over her face, but the mom in me couldn’t stop from chastising her.

“What are you thankful for, Mom?” Her dry sarcasm could not be missed.

“I’m thankful for you,” I told her honestly.
“For how fun and adventurous you are.”
That seemed to calm her down, so I moved on. “And I’m thankful for Blake too.” I looked at my oldest son, “Thankful for how helpful you are and for always remembering everything I forget.” He gave me a shy smile and went back to pushing his green bean casserole around.

“What about me?” Lucy shouted.

“I’m thankful for you too,
Luce
. I’m thankful for all of your hugs and kisses. And I’m thankful for all of the pictures you make for me.” I
tussled
Jace’s
floppy red hair and kissed a cheek painted in mashed potatoes. “I’m thankful for you too, J. I’m thankful that you are sleeping through the night again and that you always know how to make me laugh.”

My mother-in-law dabbed at her eyes with a cloth napkin, “That was beautiful, Liz.”

I shifted in my seat and looked away. It was shockingly unnerving to watch her tear up in the middle of dinner. It also had an intense effect on me. I wanted to cry too just watching her and then to think that it was my words that had made her emotional really choked me up.

Trevor sighed adoringly, “Ah, Ma. You’re making Liz uncomfortable.”

She flashed me a watery smile. Her trembling hand reached forward and rested on the white tablecloth. “I always thought the kids were so lucky to have a father like Grady,” she admitted. “But I’m realizing they’re really lucky to have a mother like you.”

I should have heard the compliment in her words. I really should have. But all I could hear was the disappointment she felt for me up until this point. It had taken her son dying for her to see that I wasn’t such a letdown after all.

I could feel the bad place I’d been trapped in. I could feel how poisonous these feelings were for my mind and soul. This anger that ate at my insides and spread toxin through my blood was dangerous and awful. I wanted it gone, but I couldn’t make it go and that only made me angrier.

“Thank you for saying that,” I managed to say although my words felt cold and false on my tongue.
 
 

It wasn’t until Katherine disappeared into the kitchen to bring back the pie that I finally found a moment alone with Trevor. I hated the idea of other people asking the question, but I needed to know. This business was my living too.

“How are things, Trevor?
With the company?”

He shrugged his shoulders and shifted in his seat. “Slow with the season.” He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He bounced nervously and reached for some water to gulp it down quickly.

My hand twitched. For the first time in my life, I wanted to stand up and slap someone.

“How bad is it?” My voice had become a low rasp of frustration.

His eyes lifted and he finally met my gaze. “Bad.”

I felt that one small word like a punch to the gut. The room tilted sharply and then started to spin.

“I’m not sure what we’re going to do. Things are bad,” he continued.

I felt my heavy Thanksgiving dinner churn in my stomach.
How could he do this to me? How could he take Grady’s gift and destroy it so flippantly?

Didn’t he care?

I had kids to feed!
Bills to pay?
Didn’t he care about me?

“How are you going to fix it?” My words came out measured and labored, betraying the fury burning through me. I wanted to stand up and scream at him. I felt like I had finally tipped over the edge of insanity with the sheer volume of rage spiraling through me.

In a choked voice, he admitted, “I don’t know if we can.” He ran a hand through his dark hair and turned his head toward Blake.

“How dare you.” My voice scared even me. I hadn’t expected to react so violently, but I couldn’t help it. “How dare you take my husband’s company, his gift to you and run it into the ground.”

Trevor jerked back in his seat, shocked by my accusation. He reached forward with a timid hand, “Liz, wait…”

“He trusted you,” I spat out. “He didn’t die suddenly. He died slowly! He had time to reflect on his company. He could have sold it and made a lot of money, Trevor! But no! Grady wanted to give it to you! He wanted to give you a future. He wanted to give you a job! And you’ve destroyed it! That was his dream. Do you know what that meant to him? Do you know how hard he worked to build his company and make a name for himself?”

“I know what he did, Liz. He was my brother.”

“Then act like you give a damn!”

Katherine chose that moment to walk back into the room, although it might have had something to do with my hysterical screaming.

Jace
and Lucy both started to cry. Lucy jumped out of her seat and ran to my side. She wrapped her little arms around my waist and held onto me tightly.

I was too ashamed to look at Blake or Abby. My kids had never seen me behave this way. They had been through enough; I didn’t need to put this on them too.

And yet, I couldn’t stop.

“I do give a damn!” Trevor shot back, just as infuriated as me. “You can’t even imagine how this is
killing me
! How much of a failure I feel like because I can’t make this one thing work. The
one thing
I want to work most
in the world
! You don’t think I know how much Grady loved this company? You’re wrong! I worked with him every day for nearly a decade. I watched him build it from the ground up! I know that the only thing he loved more than that place was you and his kids. So don’t think for a second that I would intentionally run this thing into the ground. But I am not Grady, Liz. I’m not even half the man he was.” Trevor ran a rough hand over his eyes but couldn’t stop his angry, hurt tears from falling.

I felt like the worst person in the world for making him feel that way, for making him admit things I didn’t even think were true.

Katherine collapsed in her seat. Silent tears ran down her face, but she didn’t’ try to wipe them away.

When Trevor spoke again, his voice was broken, a picture of what I knew had happened to his spirit as well. “I want to try, Liz. I want to make this business run as successfully as it did when Grady was alive. But I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. I know you lost your husband. I know how hard this hit you. But you’ve got to know that I lost my big brother. He was my
best friend
and now he is gone. I can barely walk into that office without breaking down and losing my goddamn mind. I want to do this right, Liz, but I am just so
sad
.”
 

His last words were what finally broke me. I had had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I couldn’t take Grady’s mother looking at me with pity. I felt Katherine’s eyes on me constantly. I felt her waiting for me to break. I could feel her just waiting for me to lose it.

Well, maybe I finally had.

And Trevor was so much worse. He didn’t just look like his older brother, he acted like Grady too. And Trevor was in the middle of his own pain. I could see him suffering. He was a shell of the man he used to be.

I loved Trevor like a brother, but watching him like this made my grief double. I couldn’t hurt for both Trevor and me. I couldn’t hurt for all of us and expect to be able to breathe through this pain.

I pushed back from the table, taking my clinging kids with me. “Trevor, we’re all sad. We all miss Grady. But you’re killing him all over again by killing his company. And the first time is hard enough. I will not grieve him twice. Figure something out or I’m going to sell it.”

His face went white and Katherine jumped to her feet, knocking over a glass of water as she went.

“Liz, you don’t mean that.”

I whirled on her. “I cannot watch that
company implode
, Katherine. I won’t do it. Grady trusted Trevor, but he didn’t want this.” I turned on my other two children. “Get your shoes on, Guys. It’s time to go.”