The Filthy Series: The Complete Dark Erotic Serial Novel (37 page)

“You’re a coward.”

My words had his head jerking up, meeting my gaze. I wish I could have understood the emotions in his eyes, but I couldn’t. They moved too fast for me to understand. I wanted him to yell at me, but he didn’t. My heart was suspended, there in the air between us. I had put it all on the line. I had given him everything I had. It wasn’t much. It was just my heart. The left over pieces of it after his father had put it through the grinder. It should have been enough. It was supposed to be.

“I fucked her.”

“What?” I blinked, confused.

“The other night. After I fucked you.”

I shook my head. “What? No—”

“Yes.” He took a step toward me. “I did. I came home and Sarah wanted it. We hadn’t done it in months.”

“B-but why?” I hated that my voice shook. That he was ripping my heart to shreds.

“Because she’s my girlfriend and I can.” The words sounded petty. Like a child.

“But you love me.”

“I don’t.” He pushed past me.

“No. Don’t do this.” But he did do it. He left me there, standing in his bedroom. The one he shared with Sarah. He let my offering, my heart, fall to the floor, the messy heap that it was. And when I heard the front door shut, I was truly alone.

FOURTEEN

The clang of silverware on china ground against my ears as I sat across from Sarah in the overly expensive steak restaurant. It wasn’t just her silverware that seemed to grind against my brain. It was everyone’s. The place was packed. Full of people paying way too much money for a cut of meat they could buy at the store and cook on their own.

I didn’t want to come here. Sarah did. She planned this little getaway for us. And I let her. I let my guilt wash over me and take control.

I had sex with Faye. I pushed her up against the grill of my car in a dirty back Dallas alley and fucked her until I came inside her. Faye didn’t realize it, but I took something from her that night that I could never give back. I became something I could never change. I was my father’s son. It didn’t matter that he had been put away for the rest of his life. I would always be his child and fucking Faye only proved that. I was him. I took advantage of a woman who didn’t know any better. She wanted me—she
thought
she wanted me. But it was misguided, just like her want for him. She wanted me to fill a void. His void, in her life.

But that’s not what I wanted. I wanted to be something else. Someone else. But I couldn’t be. And I didn’t realize it until after. Until after I had her there against me, our bodies connected in the most intimate way. That I would always be Taylor’s son. And he would always be her first love. As fucked up as that was, it would always be there. Hanging over us. I didn’t want to be the man who took my father’s place in her life. I wanted to be so much more. But I couldn’t be. Fate wouldn’t have it.

And then I came home that night. I walked into my bedroom and saw Sarah. This innocent woman who was faithful and good to me. She was sitting on the edge of the bed her head in her hands. She didn’t want anything from me, nothing that I couldn’t and hadn’t already given her. She was simple. The easy part of my life that I had been letting down for months. So I made love to Sarah in our bed, like I had so many other times. But that time was different. It was different, because the love that ran through me was love I would never be able to give to Faye.

And that time, when it was over I was the one that cried. After I filled Sarah up with my cum, with all the love and compassion I would never get to give Faye, I bawled my eyes out like a fucking baby. Sarah didn’t say a word. She just held me. Which made it worse. She was a genuine, kind, loving person and I had cheated on her. I had fucked my sister and then fucked Sarah less than an hour later. What kind of person did that make me?

I am my father’s son.

“Are you okay?”

“Huh?” I glanced up at her. She took a sip of her wine. “Oh, yes I’m fine.”

“You haven’t touched your food, babe.”

I glanced down at my t-bone steak. It was indeed untouched.

I watched her take another bite of hers. She wore her hair down tonight, the red strands, brushing against her shoulders. I could remember back when we first met, when I had been entranced by her red hair. The orangy-tinted locks were beautiful, longer back then. She was the sweetest woman I’d ever met, shy and reserved. She said no the first three times I asked her out because she didn’t usually go for guys like me. Guys who cared more about sleeping in and partying. That was my life before law school. But she helped change that. She gave me direction I hadn’t had before. My dad had always been a driven man, but I hated him, even back then. I wanted to be everything he wasn’t.

Sarah had helped me, given me purpose, motivation. She had been a staple in my life. A continuous presence for the good. Even when I’d lost my best friend in a car accident. I rubbed my chest where his name, Josh, was preserved in ink. She had been there for me like no one else had.

“Rhett?”

I coughed into my hand and looked away. “I’m fine.”

“You look like you’re upset.”

“I’m good.” But I wasn’t good. Because even though Sarah had been all of these things—this wonderful person in my life…She wasn’t Faye. It didn’t make sense, not on paper. Sarah was everything I could ever hope for. She was everything I could ever possibly want—or need. She had a good job, goals. A lifetime of plans and a past full of happiness. She was uncomplicated and simple.

But maybe that was problem. Maybe that’s why I didn’t love her.

I don’t love her?

“I’m not okay.”

“What?”

“I’m not okay,” I repeated.

She frowned, her brows pinching together. “What’s the matter?”

“I…” but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know what I was feeling. What I was realizing.

The air seemed to still around us as the silence hung. The clanging of forks and knives seemed to fade away.

“You love her.”

I blinked. “What?”

“You love Faye.” She set down her fork and placed her hands in her lap.

“I didn’t say—”

“You don’t have to. I’ve known since the moment you brought her into our apartment.”

“That’s ridiculous, I didn’t—”

“You didn’t know it then, but I did. I could tell. One look at her and you, and I knew.” She sighed. “You were angry with her. But there was something else there. It’s what I do for a living Rhett. I read people. I listen to people. I’ve learned what to watch for.” Her eyes became glassy as she spoke. “I’ve known all along that what we have wouldn’t be forever.”

I shook my head, confused. “What? Why?”

“I led you toward law school. I led you away from your dreams of being a marine biologist. I led you the safe way. I’ve always led you the safe way.” She swallowed and gave me a weak smile. “I thought I was helping you, at first. I thought what we had was good…and it was. But I knew it would be a matter of time before you took risks again. Before you found your way out of the safety I gave you and back to the things you really wanted.”

“The things I really want,” I repeated dumbly.

She reached across the table and took my hand into hers. “I should have let you go a long time ago.” She squeezed my fingers. “But I just couldn’t. I wanted to keep you for as long as I could.” She chewed the side of her lip. “I thought I could change things, that I could keep you. I thought I could cover Faye up in cheap clothes. That I could get her sent away. But I just didn’t want to accept that it was real. That she was the one to make you take that leap and see all the things you’ve been missing all along.”

“Sarah…”

“Do you remember our first date?” she asked.

I frowned. “Yes.”

“You took me to dinner and then to a wine bar.” She smiled. “Do you remember what you told me while we were at the bar?”

I frowned. I didn’t.

“You told me that you didn’t believe in love. You’d never seen real love, so you didn’t think it existed.”

“I said that?” I shook my head. “I sure was a charmer. Why did you ever go out with me again?”

“Because I wanted to give you that love. The love that you could feel, you could see in everything. I wanted to show you that love, true love was real.” Her lip trembled. “I hope you felt that over these last few years.”

“I—I—” I didn’t know what to say. My heart brimmed over with something. Pain. Looking into Sarah’s blue eyes. Innocent eyes. “I did. I wish I could have given you that love back.”

She gave me a weak smile. “I wish that too.” She pulled her hands away. “I’m going to stay in the hotel for the two nights we planned.”

“Okay,” I said slowly, my head not fully grasping everything that had just took place.

“You’re going to go to Faye, aren’t you?”

I blinked. “I—”

“She needs you Rhett. As hard as it is for me to say,” Tears dripped down her cheeks, but these gutted me. These tears ripped at me in a way her tears never had before.
Because they’re the last one’s you’ll see. It’s over.
“If there’s anyone that can save you…it’s her.”

“Save me?”

Her lips quirked sadly in the corners. “Don’t you see it? You’ve been trying to save her all this time, but it’s you that needed saving. It’s what I’ve been trying to do all these years.” She touched my hand. “If she can save you, then she can save herself too.” Her tears started coming harder. “Now go.” She pulled her hand away.

I didn’t move. I sat there for several moments staring at the woman I had shared my life with for years. The first person I ever claimed to love. I hadn’t really, not like she deserved. I had been lying to us both. Sarah was safe, but not from me. I wasn’t safe.

“I wish I loved you, believe me I do.”

She smiled sadly. “I believe you.”

I pulled out cash from my wallet and laid it on the table. I didn’t say anything else when I stood. And I didn’t look back when I left.

FIFTEEN

I drove like a bat out of hell to get to the apartment. My heart thundered in my chest as I ran from the car into the apartment. Her car was there in the lot.

She’s here.
Relief flooded my body. I fumbled with my key for what seemed like forever before I got it into the lock. Once the door was open I rushed inside like a mad man. She wasn’t in the living room and I burst into her room without knocking. The time for knocking was over. I had to tell her. I had to tell the truth.

I lied when I said I didn’t love her. I didn’t want to take my father’s place in her life. I wanted to be more and I could never be that if she didn’t know. If she didn’t see that my love was pure. It was different than his.

But her room was empty. Her bed unmade, her bathroom was empty as well.

What the fuck?

I spun around and saw it. The simple white piece of paper lying on top of her rumpled sheets. My heart tripled in time as I touched the smooth pale surface. Sweeping black lines filled the space.

Rhett & Sarah,

Thank you both for everything you’ve given me. The car, the phone, the clothes. But more than that, your time and your love. I will never forget those things. I would have never survived without the two of you. But now that it’s all over, it’s time for me to go. To move on with my life. I’ve left the keys to my car and the phone on the dresser. Don’t worry, I’m not going back to my old life or anything. I’m going to start over.

I hope you’ll remember the good things about me and not the broken pieces of me that you both helped piece back together. I hope those are the things you think of.

-Faye

I stood there for several moments, reading and re-reading the words. Words Faye wrote. I looked at the dresser to find her phone and keys both there just as she promised.

“No.” Saying the word out loud would make it untrue. She hadn’t left. She couldn’t have left. She wouldn’t just leave.

But there was no denying the truth.

She was gone.

I’m too late.