The Fight Within (24 page)

“You should’ve tried to keep your family together. I’m surprised I even have to tell you this. If I thought you were working on your marriage, we wouldn’t have to keep discussing it but I’d be doing you wrong to not even bring it up.”

“Mama, that’s it!” she snapped, losing her cool. “Jackson cheated on me, okay? You never cared about my wellbeing before, so don’t pretend to do so now.”

The older woman snatched her glasses off her face as if to do battle, squinted across the table, and placed them softly down upon a small stack of white, ratty washcloths she kept to dust with.

“But he has money.”

Treasure crossed her legs, swinging the right one back and forth, and exchanged glares with her. Here this bag of bones sat, a mediocre mother, a wretched wife, a non-existent grandparent, hardly the definition of a friend, and not involved enough to be coined a foe. Treasure wasn’t certain with whom she was speaking. As much as she accused her mother of not recognizing her existence, let alone greatness, she understood at that moment unequivocally, the woman before her was a stranger. She certainly knew the lady who worked at the post office much better than the lady who’d birthed her.

“He lied to me over and over again and was not a good husband. You told Dad to leave because you thought he was being unfaithful.”

She didn’t miss the odd smirk that cracked her mother’s wicked face.

It’s because dad was poor…could do nothing for you. You sicken me. I always knew the truth but it took you this long to confirm it.

“Your father was not the person you think he was, Treasure. And this ain’t about him… It’s about you and Jackson.”

“How is that good for your grandson and daughter? What kind of example am I showing them to allow that sort of situation to go on, business as usual?”

“You’d show them that you can overcome almost anything, that you’re strong. What
you
did was weak.” The woman angrily grabbed another cloth from a small pile beside her and began the tedious task of making her perfect little squares once again. “Those kids need their daddy.”

“…And I needed mine, too. You killed my father with your ugly behavior, callous words. He died trying to make more money so you could be satisfied, but you are never happy, enough is never enough. He worked himself to death, and died of a broken heart.”

“You know what, Treasure?” Her mother’s brow rose but not her tone. “You’ve always been silly and emotional. You make poor decisions based on how you feel versus what’s best for you in the long run. I tried to teach you better than this, but you refused to listen.”

Treasure slowly rose from her chair and placed her purse over her shoulder, shaking her head. What a sad, pathetic little soul her mother was.
I pity you.

“You know what, Mama? I have made choices using my heart and not my mind in the past. I did that, you’re right. Thank you for bringing that up. You, on the other hand, had no option regarding what you utilized to make your decisions, for one would have to
have
a heart in their possession in order to make a choice to not use it.”

“Why do you come over here, Treasure?”

She looked at the woman long and hard, the clock ticking and tocking strong and hard in the background.

“I honestly don’t know anymore.”

“Before you go, let me explain something to you. You’ve always looked at me strange for how your father and I lived our lives, and my response to the man. You accused me after the funeral of being cold-hearted and not caring because I hadn’t cried. I grieve my way and you grieve yours. You are a self-proclaimed daddy’s girl, and gullible as you were, you believed
everything
he handed you. If he had told you that the man on the moon was real and gave out toys to ghetto kids once a year if they acted right, you’d have believed that, too!” The woman huffed and got to her wobbly feet, moving like a jittering old washing machine. Her long gray sweater swayed as she made her way to the curio cabinet to remove a punch bowl. She set it on the table, her bottom lip quivering just so.

“Mama.” She lowered her head and fixed her gaze on the elaborate tan and tangerine rug with red swirls beneath her feet. She needed a focal point, something to rest her eyes upon that wouldn’t send her over the edge, make her buckle over in pain. “I find it upsetting that you will defend a man that treated your daughter like trash, but trash a man that treated you and your children like gold. I’ve never understood you, Mama.” Treasure slowly made her way to the front door. “And I don’t think you care enough to understand or get to know me, either.” It hurt for the words to come out, to utter the truth. It had been in her heart for years. Mama was a complex woman—one full of jealousy and resentment who kept a glass menagerie of strange thoughts in her head, fragile yet protected by her own lack of empathy. The tiny, jagged things were woven together with an even stranger purpose, one that no one seemed to figure out.

Where there was light, she became a shadow; trying to block its cast. Where there was joy and laughter, she transformed into an omen, a curse walking on two legs, harboring an internal smile as she delivered a poisoned dagger into the happy hearts of the ones she’d breathed life into. Where there was hopefulness, she created tiny shreds of despair, just enough to cause low self-esteem, pity and doubt. She’d been constructed of a thin, transparent shell, and where the soul of a woman was supposed to dwell, there could be found only misery.

Her mother remained silent as she gradually slid another hand towel from the pile, and turned it this way and that. Once again, Treasure felt abandoned, all alone, but this time, also free. Her father had died. Her brothers lived in different cities. Her husband was gone. Her son didn’t want much to do with her and now, she finally came to terms with the fact that the woman she’d tried to make love her since the day she drew her first breath, had left her to swim in shark-infested waters—expecting her to be okay with being eaten alive and soaking in her own blood bath.

Be okay…

Misery loves company… and you’ve closed up shop.

Mama’s love? Ain’t no such thing.

But why?

’Cause Mama don’t love nobody…

*

I can’t believe it. This guy is different. I can’t figure him completely out.
–Sapphire Storm

Sometimes that’s not so bad.
–FINDERKEEPER

You know, you might have a point there.
–Sapphire Storm

I’m glad you like him and this is working out.
–FINDERKEEPER

Me too. You know what?
–Sapphire Storm

What?
–FINDERKEEPER

I don’t think I would have given this a chance if it weren’t for you.
–Sapphire Storm

Me? I didn’t do anything.
–FINDERKEEPER

Sure you did. I told you I was afraid to date anymore. You said a while back that if that’s what I wanted, to be in love, have a relationship, then I had to take a chance. Funny, he told me the same thing.
–Sapphire Storm

Life isn’t worth living without taking a few risks along the way.
–FINDERKEEPER

True. He cares about what I have to say. I like that, need that in my life. I wish you’d date, too.
–Sapphire Storm

Well, I did meet someone.
–FINDERKEEPER

That’s great! WOW! LOL It must be the end of times because you actually told me something about yourself.
–Sapphire Storm

It’s no big deal.
–FINDERKEEPER

Actually, Mr. Cynic, it is. Tell me about her.
–Sapphire Storm

Miss Cynicism, NO.
–FINDERKEEPER

Not this again. (((insert eye roll))) Why not?
–Sapphire Storm

Because, this is about YOU.
–FINDERKEEPER

But we are kind of like friends now, right?
–Sapphire Storm

Yes.
–FINDERKEEPER

Then why am I the only one sharing?
–Sapphire Storm

I am superstitious.
–FINDERKEEPER

About what?
–Sapphire Storm

Sean ran his hand over his face and closed his damn eyes. The old, nasty memories knotted his gut, swam up his chest, and flooded his gullet and mouth with the bad taste of yesteryear.

It seems like whenever I get happy about someone, and start talking about it too much with other people, it ends up crashing, getting fucked up.
–FINDERKEEPER

Oh. I guess I can understand that.
–Sapphire Storm

Yeah, so it’s not that I don’t want to tell you. It’s that I’d like for this to pan out first. I need more time to see what happens.
–FINDERKEEPER

You really like her, don’t you?
–Sapphire Storm

Yeah. I do.
–FINDERKEEPER

That’s sweet.
–Sapphire Storm

Tell me about this guy.
–FINDERKEEPER

No.
–Sapphire Storm

Why not?
–FINDERKEEPER

Now you’ve made me superstitious, too.
–Sapphire Storm

LOL. Ok. You’ve learned well. Let’s talk about something else then.
–FINDERKEEPER

Like what?
–Sapphire Storm

Something political or religious so we can argue. Everyone needs to have his or her first argument. We’ve yet to have ours. Makes me think you don’t care about me.
–FINDERKEEPER

LOL!
–Sapphire Storm

I prefer to disturb the peace IRL though.
–FINDERKEEPER

IRL?
–Sapphire Storm

I will send you a ‘How to Type Lazy In Chat Rooms and IM’ book soon.
–FINDERKEEPER

Lazy is a language?
–Sapphire Storm

Yes, and I am fluent in it, so much so, I teach it at various universities but I usually only do half of the work required I’m so damn good at it.
–FINDERKEEPER

LOL, Professor FINDERKEEPER, Expert on the Language of Lazy.
–Sapphire Storm

And idiot on the language of love… Anyway, IRL means, ‘In real life’…
–FINDERKEEPER

Maybe one day we can do that.
–Sapphire Storm

Do what?
–FINDERKEEPER

Meet in real life.
–Sapphire Storm

This IS real life, Sapphire. Everything you told me is from your real life. No need for us to complicate things with eye contact and hand holding and real verbal dialogue. You know, silly shit like that…
–FINDERKEEPER

LMAO…Well, it was just a thought.
–Sapphire Storm

“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.” That quote is from Marcus Aurelius
–FINDERKEEPER

I know who it was… It’s from his book, ‘Meditations’ and it’s beautiful. I love that you know that.
–Sapphire Storm

I love that you inspired me to follow my own advice and take a damn risk…and now I’ve met someone and she’s pretty important to me.
–FINDERKEEPER

I am so happy for you. So is everything going how you want it to?
–Sapphire Storm

Not as much as I’d like, but it’s not her fault. She works long hours sometimes. I do too, but our schedules don’t always jive. She’s got kids. But we talk quite a bit. It’s a time juggling thing, but we’re making it work.
–FINDERKEEPER

Well, can you promise me something?
–Sapphire Storm

No, I will not eat any corn.
–FINDERKEEPER

LOL! No, will you promise me that once you feel more comfortable, and you aren’t as superstitious about it, you’ll tell me about your dates with her?
–Sapphire Storm

I can’t promise, but I will consider it. :)
–FINDERKEEPER

Well, I guess that’s a start.
–Sapphire Storm

And a start is always better than an end.
–FINDERKEEPER

Not always, but I’ll take it.
–Sapphire Storm

That’s funny. You know, I will tell you something else, too. In my mind, when she and I first started dating, I thought that was a whole new beginning. It actually wasn’t. Know what this was, Sapphire? The end to my old way of thinking. It was always in me to be this way, you know, open to listening, even when I didn’t think I’d want to hear it. This wasn’t new. It just took someone special for me to uncover it…
–FINDERKEEPER