The Fashionista Files (30 page)

THE BEST PART OF EVERY EVENING: GET TING READY

Social Schedule and Reality
MELISSA AND KAREN

There’s nothing quite like the anticipation of an evening out. Most of the time we will plan our social calendar far in advance. It usually looks something like this:

MONDAY NIGHT: Dinner party with publicists, editors, and architect friends.

TUESDAY NIGHT: Cocktail party to celebrate a new store/product/magazine issue.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT: Opening party at new nightclub/restaurant. THURSDAY NIGHT: Charity benefit.

We spend the weekend planning, going over our closet, trying on all our clothes, shopping, preparing our outfits (from the shoes to the coat to the jewelry) in advance. We meet at our favorite nail salon to get our special Orly manicures (the classic red for Mel, dark, vampy almost-black for Karen!), chatting, gossiping, and talking about the events we will be attending.

And then it happens . . . all that work . . . all that anxiety and social psyching-up! Here’s what really goes down:

MONDAY NIGHT: We arrive in time for dessert.

TUESDAY NIGHT: We sleep in front of the latest reality TV show (take your pick).

WEDNESDAY NIGHT: We drag ourselves out to do a five-minute lap around the room (after two hours of getting ready). Don’t worry. We record
The Bachelor.

THURSDAY NIGHT: We find better things to do with our $200 contribution.

It’s just all part of the game. There’s nothing fashionistas like more than being invited to everything, having a seemingly packed social calendar, and then blowing it all off to sit in front of the television. After all, in our heads, we’ve already gone to the party!

How to Get Ready in Style

Hair—Do you need a blowout? Book an appointment at a salon. Or if you’re doing it at home, set aside an appropriate amount of time to deal with your locks.

Nails—Nothing looks worse than chipped polish and raggedy, bitten nails. Get your butt to a salon and get buffed to a shine!

Bath—Calgon, take us away! All the pressure of looking good can get to a girl. Soak your troubles in the tub, just like Diane von Furstenberg, who never takes showers. Epsom salt is great for muscle relaxation post–fashionista workouts.

Music—Cue up something that makes you feel happy.

Prepare clothes the night before so you’re not running around in a frenzy, and arriving way too late.

The Fashionista Saturday Night

A LIST OF ACTIVITIES WE DO ON THE WEEKENDS

Movies with friends—or solo. It’s good to have some personal time.

Farscape.
Hello!

Turn home into a spa—oatmeal facials, coffee-bean exfoliation, anyone?

Catch up on reading—those
Vogue
s have really piled up.

By all means, don’t go out! Saturday night is for amateurs! Unless, of course, you have a hot date. Then do it up and take no prisoners.

THE ARRIVAL

The Stars Are Here?
MELISSA AND KAREN

Summer 2002.

We had just published our book
How to Become Famous in Two
Weeks or Less.
The hard part was over. Now it was time to hit the book-launch parties (the really, really hard part!).

We would get only one chance to make an entrance at each of our events, and we wanted to make a huge impact. In New York, our party was at the Paramount Hotel lobby. We holed up in a private suite, getting manicures and blowouts, and doing television interviews while sipping champagne and hanging out with Lou, our bodyguard, who brought us borrowed rocks from Harry Winston. The phones were incessantly ringing, and our publicist answered it like this: “Famous suite!” Finally, it was an hour after our party had started. Time to join the mayhem. (Mel had to restrain Karen from popping out of our room too early and spoiling our arrival!)

We slowly walked hand in hand down the glass staircase as David Bowie’s “Fame” blasted in the speakers. The crowd of seven hundred went wild. Camera flashes were blinding. “Mel, over here! Karen, over here!” We paused at the bottom for some pictures. The blowup board from our book was nowhere to be found, so Heidi, our PR gal, found it and—with her Yorkie, Isaac, in her bag—ducked down and held it up behind us so the book would be seen in all the pics. We were escorted outside before we could give even our parents a proper hello. There, more paparazzi awaited us. We posed with one leg facing forward, held our book for the cameras, and then strangers got in on the action, snapping away, as well. This is what being a rock star feels like! Pretty darn good!

The grand staircase arrival—very fashionably late

Arriving on our red carpet in Chicago

For our Los Angeles party, we had to get ready (look at our priorities—the getting ready is always high on our list!) across town at Privé, where they were doing our hair and makeup for free. Mel’s mother kept calling—“All the stars are here, your party’s started, where are you?!” The publicist called. “If you don’t get here right now, your press will leave!” she fumed.

We arrived an hour and a half late. All the celebrities (from Jenna from
Survivor
to Paris Hilton) had arrived promptly. They were gone by the time we showed. And we had our assigned book escort, who drove a Ford Escort, drop us off fifty feet from the entrance, so it wouldn’t seem like our moms had to drop us off. Once we got there, we knew no one inside, Mel’s family notwithstanding.

In Miami we were an hour late, but only because we had to do so many television interviews. It was so humid that by the time we arrived at the party, our hair was flat from the heat. Oy.

For our Chicago party, we donned ball gowns from Escada to wear to our party at the Escada store on Miracle Mile. Mel wore a red beaded number (once worn by Vivica Fox), Karen a brown-and-white-striped sequined zebra. We traveled in style, in a Bentley specially on loan to us for the occasion. We were half an hour late, and greeted by a Joan Rivers impersonator. We were getting the hang of this.

We arrived right on time for our Las Vegas party. The only problem was, we were the only ones there! Sometimes it’s even better not to show up!

How to Make an Entrance

Exactly what time is fashionably late?

When you should be prompt: Weddings, especially when you’re in them.

Fifteen minutes late is acceptable: Dinner with friends, lunch.

An hour after it started, at least: Fashion parties, gallery openings.

Two A.M. is prime time: Nightclubs.

Great excuses for being late: Traffic, Mom called with serious news, badly stubbed your toe scurrying around to get ready, lost ATM card, stuck in elevator, struggled with a mugger (and won).

CHEEK TO CHEEK

Fashionistas always air-kiss each other so much not because they’re fond of each other but so they can whisper fresh insults into each other’s ears. —MOSCHINO

The Perils of Air-kissing
MELISSA AND KAREN

We’re the types who kiss everyone we know—even vaguely. We kiss our editors, business acquaintances, people we don’t even like. After all, it’s just a greeting—and not even a kiss—more like a smack in the air next to someone’s cheek. How harmless is that?

Mel bumped into a familiar-looking person on the street once. The person gave her a hearty hello, and she responded automatically. “Helllooo!” she said, trying to cover up for the fact that she couldn’t remember his name, and proceeded to give the standard double-kiss greeting. It was only when she walked away that she realized she had just kissed the doorman of her old building.

How to Perfect the Double Air-Kiss

Woooooo! The excitement. Mouth open, elbows bent, hands up!

Lean in to one side of cheek. It doesn’t matter what side to lean toward first; you’ll pick subtle cues from the other fashionista on where to go. Must remain at least two inches away from the cheek. Notice the space between us. Hands still remain in the air as if your nails are wet—fresh from a manicure.

Lean back, lips remaining slightly puckered.

Go in for the second cheek. Remember: An air-kiss is always both cheeks! Sometimes it seems as though you’re kissing hair, not air. It’s all about gesture anyway.