The Everything Orgasm Book (3 page)

There is no such thing as an immature or inferior orgasm! The quality of your orgasm is not solely a factor of what is being stimulated. In fact, the intensity of orgasm is much more a factor of how open you are to receiving pleasure in whatever form it is administered.

Orgasms are the goal of sex.

As amazing as orgasms are, there is no reason why sex has to include orgasmic release. Sex can be very pleasurable, ecstatic, and meaningful without culminating in an orgasm.

Orgasm in men is always accompanied by ejaculation.

Men are capable of having an orgasm without ejaculation. Some men learn by chance to separate orgasm and ejaculation. Others can learn with practice.

If you are a man, orgasms that include ejaculation will deplete your energy.

There are some belief systems that purport that a man's life energy is depleted when he ejaculates. Some men may find this to be true, but there are many men who ejaculate frequently who do not find that it depletes their energy in any way. In fact, some men find that it keeps them vital.

If you self-pleasure you will lose desire or interest in being with a lover.

Just because you are capable of providing yourself with orgasms does not mean you will lose interest in being with a lover. The need for intimacy and connection with another cannot be met by being alone. Also the experience of orgasm with a lover can be a very different experience than what you experience when you are by yourself.

A man is responsible for helping a woman achieve orgasm.

Some men feel like they are failures if they do not provide their female lover with an orgasm. Because women's orgasmic responses are so unique and complex, it is important that they ultimately take responsibility for their own orgasm. Your desire and willingness to learn how to help provide an orgasm should be appreciated but not expected.

You shouldn't have to use your hands to achieve or provide an orgasm.

The idea that using your hands to assist in or achieve an orgasm is somehow cheating or wrong should definitely be thrown out the window. All that matters is whatever feels good and whatever works.

If you want to liberate your sexuality, you must first free your mind from these limiting and false beliefs. Many myths survive partly due to the great discomfort people have with talking about sex in a frank and open manner. Therefore, the more you can open your mind and speak freely about your experiences, the more myths pertaining to sex and orgasm you will put to rest.

Sex and orgasms have been around since the beginning of life. Nobody invented them. They have always been a part of the human experience. Cultures around the world have had their own evolving views, attitudes, and behaviors pertaining to sex and orgasm. Some of these have been openly acknowledged and written about. Others have been shrouded in secrecy or cloaked in shame.

In order to more thoroughly understand human sexual behavior, it can help to look at the sexual behaviors of other species, as well as different cultures. In doing this, you begin to see how variable and adaptable sexual behavior really is. In the bigger picture — the greater scheme — there is no such thing as normal sexual behavior. There are many paths to orgasm, many reasons for going there, many ways to describe it, and many meanings to give it. The following are a sample of life's varieties of sexual behavior.

The variety of sexual practices in the animal kingdom is mind-boggling. One particularly interesting example is seen in our closest primate relatives — the bonobos. These small African apes have been studied extensively in the last few decades, partially because of their distinctive sexual behaviors. Sex among the bonobos has a variety of purposes aside from procreation; it is used to appease one another, to reconcile differences, to express affection, to reduce stress, to claim social status, and for sheer erotic excitement and pleasure. Also, sex among the bonobos occurs in nearly every imaginable partner combination, including female-to-female and male-to-male, and even mixed groups. Although it is uncertain as to whether the female bonobos actually experience orgasm like some other close primate relatives — notably chimpanzees and macaques — it is clear that they enjoy their sexual interactions and seek them out almost constantly.

Human history is also full of a great variety of sexual norms and practices. One example is the Ancient Babylonian women who devoted themselves to Ishtar, the goddess of love, fertility, and war. Ishtar's temple priestesses were, essentially, sacred prostitutes. Male travelers would go to Ishtar's temple to make offerings to the goddess and then be worshipped and made love to by temple priestesses. It was also a custom for all women to go to the temple of Ishtar at least once. Each woman would sit until a traveler threw a coin in her lap. Then she would go off and have sex with the stranger before returning home to get married and start a family. This was considered a rite of passage that would help with fertility. It was also believed to ward off future temptations to sleep around.

Every culture, ancient and modern, has its own views and norms on sex. The Polynesians in particular, however, have been known for their more liberated attitudes toward sex. In ancient Polynesia, sexual relations started very early in life and were very frequent and varied. There was little about sex that was considered taboo. Although this situation has changed somewhat in modern times, Polynesian attitudes pertaining to sex are still more open than those of many other cultures.

Today, the Polynesians have a reputation of being more slow and languid in their sexual encounters and lovemaking. They do not hurry toward orgasm. In fact, they are more likely to postpone it in order to enjoy all of the delightful feelings and sensations in their bodies, including the love they have for their partner. In
Slow Love: A Polynesian Pillow Book
, James N. Powell elaborates on this deliciously slow and sensual way of lovemaking.

Even when there is a strong norm within a culture, deviations from that norm can be prevalent. Monogamy, for example, is a norm most human cultures encourage. In practice, however, many people do not confine their quest for sexual pleasure and orgasmic experiences to one person. Some people do this openly. Others keep it hidden. Such non-monogamy ranges widely, from illicit affairs to polyamorous relationships and group sex parties. Others are happy to have and keep just one lover for their entire life.

As powerful and wonderful as sex and orgasms can be, they are also strongly feared and often repressed. Throughout history and across cultures, there have been attempts to restrict, limit, or altogether abolish certain sexual behaviors. These restrictions have been executed in a variety of ways; sometimes through ridicule or shaming, sometimes with the threat of losing status or being excluded from the group or tribe, and sometimes with the threat of fines, imprisonment, injury, or even death. There have also been many attempts to liberate sexuality from such repressive views and attitudes.

Laws pertaining to sexual behavior have been around since the beginning of civilization. The first evidence of rules pertaining to sexual behavior dates back to the beginning of the early Ancient Egyptians in the form of pictographs and pictograms. Later, written laws grew increasingly specific about adultery, sexual abuse, rape, incest, anal sex, oral sex, homosexuality, age of consent, prostitution, and bestiality. Some of these laws probably seemed quite necessary and reasonable to the majority of people. Many of them, however, seem to exist solely to control the sexual behaviors of others, even behaviors in which there are two consenting adults, and no harm is being done.

There are still many antiquated sex laws in the United States today. Most of them, such as laws criminalizing adultery and oral or anal sex, are rarely enforced. Because they are so rarely enforced, there is little incentive to change them. It is essential, however, to keep laws current with the culture's changing attitudes. This will, in the long run, protect those who may fall prey to the lingering repressive attitudes of those who want to control the sexual behavior of others.

Some cultures also have laws that force people to be sexual. Women are, in some places, required by law to have sex with their husbands whenever they are approached. Men may be required to have sex with their wives every so many days or every few months. While it is great to encourage sex among married couples, enforcing it is a kind of sexual repression. People need to be free to make their own choices and do what feels right, when they are ready.