The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (83 page)

“We wanted a big society wedding, the wedding you picture when you're growing up. My dress had a six-foot train.”

This is it—the big ball gown with beaded bodice, lace, and petticoats. It screams,
Bride!
Echoing the dress and the look is the headpiece, optional veil, and, if the cut is suitable, a flowing train that runs behind the gown itself. Wedding dresses come in a variety of styles, with assorted lengths, necklines, bodices, and waistlines, so that nearly everyone can look magical.

This kind of bridal gown is pure fantasy; it is a costume. Unless you go to debutante balls or perform in a guerrilla theater troupe, chances are you won't find an occasion to wear this dress again. It becomes an instant heirloom and gets packed in a box with special preservatives and sits in a closet for the rest of your life. You take it out every time you move, and try it on to see if it still fits. (Or you'll want your daughter to wear it someday.)

If you want to be the classic bride, go for it—but our recommendation is that unless you want the ceremony to feel like a put-on, make sure the style of the rest of the wedding is equally traditional.

“I want to wear something elegant and spectacular, but I want it to be more my style.”

Some women want to select a dress or other ensemble that emulates a bridal look but speaks more to their personal style than to the fantasy. You may splurge here and treat yourself to something that's more formal or glamorous than you would normally consider buying. You can also find gorgeous batiste antique wedding gowns or other vintage dresses that don't scream “bride,” but rather whisper it.

To get a peek at some modern bride looks, check out designs by Vera Wang, Jessica Mc-Clintock, and Nicole Miller. And up-and-coming bridal designer Lela Rose experiments with natural fibers like corded lace and linen sackcloth.

First-time straight brides who are a little older than what you see on the cover of
Bride's
magazine and second-time brides often go this route. The gown is usually bought with the intention of wearing it again, but don't be surprised if that never happens.

There are also a number of possible variations on the modern-bride theme. In Hawaii, there are formal gowns called
holoku,
which are traditional dresses; African wedding designs in boldly printed fabrics or
ashoke
(a handwoven cotton from Nigeria, interspersed with metallic thread) with matching jackets and head wraps are another possibility.

“Our wedding was the perfect excuse to buy something new. We both wore silk dresses.”

The practical bride decides to indulge in that Armani suit she has always admired, or puts together a stylish ensemble that's only a touch flashier than what's usually found in her closet. Her MO is to find a look that complements her lifestyle so that she really
can
wear it again and again. She might wear a simple white pantsuit but dress it up with an elaborate veil, or a black sheath and a wreath of wildflowers in her hair.

In our ecologically minded world, it seems foolish to some to spend a lot of money on a piece of clothing that will only be worn once. You can go with a more contemporary styling; then by dropping the accessories you use to make the outfit special for your wedding day (such as a wide-brimmed hat and elbow-length gloves), or raising the hemline six inches, you have an outfit that will work in other circumstances. (And each time it's worn, it carries a special memory of one of the best days of your life.)

Oh, and one more thing about the practical bride: she wears sensible shoes.

“My mother asked me, ‘Why did you wear pants?' I said, ‘Mom, when have ever known me to love wearing a dress? I've got news for you, I'm not going to be buried in a dress, either.' This was my occasion, and I was going to be comfortable.”

The Rebel Bride, the Leather and Lace Bride, or the Bride of the Future—cousin to the Storybook Bride but with extraordinary flair. She will make a broad statement, but not specifically of a classic bridal nature. Wild headdresses, period costumes, and theme outfits all fall into this category.

You don't have to create this look yourself if you've got the bucks to go designer. Check out Betsey Johnson's thermo-cotton wedding dress with crib-cover veil, or Jean-Paul Gaultier's baroque bride in silk-satin quilted coat, velvet chenille dress, and feather earmuffs. Or you can go environmental with a ball gown made of newspaper, plastic garbage can liners, recycled aluminum, or yards of tulle sewed directly onto your body. You can wear jeans and hand-appliquéd tux jackets, satin nightshirts from Frederick's of Hollywood, or long ranch-style calico skirts and cowboy boots. If you have a taste for the outrageous, here's your chance to be the belle of the ball—on your own terms.

No matter what anybody says, regardless of age, size, or marital history, you can wear white.
But I
hate
the way I look in white,
you're thinking. So don't wear white. Wear a color.

Ecru, off-white, eggshell, ivory, cream, or champagne can be wedding colors—but aren't. And it's not just the color that makes it a wedding gown, but the choice of fabric and style as well.

Historically, the only unacceptable color to wear for bridal garb is green because it's the color reserved for fairies and it's the color of jealousy—so unless you're a bitchy fairy, don't wear green. Chinese brides wear red (the color of celebration); Spanish and Icelandic ones wear black. Red was also big during the American Revolution, signifying rebellion. (Might be a good choice for you, no?)

Ask the shop owner if you can get a two-for-one deal on wedding gowns.

Bridal fashion is an industry unto itself, so if you're thinking of buying a wedding gown and want to see what's popular these days, pick up one of the many specialty magazines and flip through the pages. Or, if you really get into it, you can attend a bridal show. These are held in major cities at hotels and convention centers. Check your local newspapers in the fashion or entertainment sections for listings.

If you're traveling down Wedding Gown Lane, be aware that, in theory, bridal attire is one of the last bastions of the apparel industry in which garments are customized to each client. For certain lines, there is no such thing as “off the rack,” and it's not unusual to order a wedding gown five to eight months in advance of the wedding date. Other manufacturers will offer ready-to-wear, but you'll still need alterations for the correct fit.

Also keep in mind that the average wedding gown costs $1,500. (You think that's a lot? Well, a Stella McCartney designer gown can run you thirty grand, so start saving those pennies.) And the pity of it all is that you usually don't get a great quality dress for your $1,500. If you were going to spend that much on any other dress, you'd get something pretty incredible for your money, wouldn't you? No such luck with the bridal-gown industry; it might be of synthetic material and unlined, with unfinished seams and loose threads. Add a veil or a headpiece for $150 or so, plus the shoes, the undergarments, and other
accessories, and you're probably pushing $2,000. Double that if you've both decided to go for it.

The bridal salon carries everything you could ever imagine wearing to a wedding—not only for the bride but also for the attendants, the mother, the grandmother, and the flower girl. Here you can buy a tiara. Here you can get sixteen dresses in varying hues of lavender.

Salons today focus on personalized pampering. A consultant will put you through the bridal paces and oversee style selection, alterations, and the total accessorized bridal package. Bridal salons sometimes have true bargains—as much as half off at sample sales (you may be purchasing a gown that's been tried on countless times, so you'll want to look it over for lipstick stains) and closeout sales. Sale gowns are usually nonrefundable, so give the dress a thorough inspection for defects and make sure it's the one for you. (If you change your mind, your only hope is to talk your lover into wearing it instead.)

You can locate bridal salons by looking in bride magazines or in your local online yellow pages.

Consumer Alert

Don't buy accessories like gloves, undergarments, garters, and so forth from bridal salons; the markup on these items is outrageous.

Department stores are worth a look, especially after Christmas and in August, when clearance sales are held. Though many major department stores do not have departments devoted exclusively to bridal fashion, their formal-wear section may have exactly what you're looking for. One of the best things about department stores is that if you get the dress home and freak (“What could I have possibly been thinking?! I could never wear this thing!”), you can return it. Most department stores will also take care of alterations.

The Internet can make you the ultimate mail-order bride. Did you find the perfect dress, but don't have a thousand dollars to pay for it? Jot down a style number and manufacturer and hit the Internet. You could find the exact same dress for much less, or maybe find a knockoff of a knockoff. Plan well in advance and be sure to check the site's return policy so that if the gown feels like a burlap sack, you can return it and keep on surfing.

Bridal discounters sell off the rack from suppliers that range from designers (who give you last season's stock), to salons that have gone out of business, to someone who has samples he or she couldn't get rid of. Sometimes they're nomadic companies that set up business for a weekend at a time in hotels, or even sell out of the homes of “representatives.” The labels and identifying tags are usually gone, so you don't really know what you're getting, and the service will be slim to none. But the savings can make it all worthwhile (from 30 percent to 60 percent, and sometimes even higher), plus the entire process here is so swift you can buy a gown and be married in it the same day! If you don't have a lot of time and are an easy fit, check them out.

Rentals are a modern-day answer to some brides' dress dilemmas. Men have been renting formal wear since time began, so why not women? This trend is cropping up in major cities and offers you the chance to have the look you're after without… well, without being married to it forever. Rental prices start at about $150.

There are Internet sites such as
www.renta-bridalgown.com
, that specialize exclusively in couture wedding dresses. Gowns by major designers like Carolina Herrera and Scassi that sell for upward of $4,000 can be rented here for $350–$750. Arguably, if you shopped till you dropped you might find an inexpensive dress for about the same price as you'd pay to rent the designer gown, but if you've set your sights on top of the line, explore this option.

P.S.: If you're into this sort of thing, you
will
have to worry about the karma that comes with the dress and can't be removed at the dry-cleaner's. Who else has worn it, and what emotions coursed through them while they were wearing it?

Pattern companies like McCall's and Vogue sell patterns that mirror the styles found in the bridal magazines and salons. If you or a loved one wants to tackle the project, remember that formal wear is extremely complicated to fit, and unless you really know what you're doing, the results could be disastrous. You can also farm out the production to a good dressmaker or seamstress and still come in under what you'd pay for a ready-made dress.