The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (12 page)

A consultant to the U.S. Census Bureau estimated there were approximately 100,000 official same-sex marriages, civil unions, and domestic partnerships in 2008. Although these numbers are difficult to accurately gauge, what we do know is that public same-sex commitment, in whatever form it takes, is increasing exponentially every year. There are religious ceremonies in churches and temples, ceremonies performed by clergy who bless the unions but cannot sanction them under the laws of their church, and thousands of “civil” ceremonies that are not reported to anyone at all except supportive friends and family. All over the country, in banquet halls, on cruise ships, and in national parks, guys and guys and gals and gals are saying, “I do,” tossing bouquets, and driving off in Priuses.

Ask Not for Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls; It Tolls for Thee

Okay, you say, commitment is one thing—but a wedding? Why bother? Because we humans love to mark milestones with celebrations. From a baptism to a sweet-sixteen party to a retirement party, we take stock of our lives with rituals. By planning a wedding ceremony, you are participating in an age-old rite that honors the purest and most basic union between two people. A wedding is part of a universal language that says, “turning point,” and as human beings we need to feel we're a part of the pageant of history.

I feel there is a truth to the idea that when you commit in a ceremony, legal or otherwise, your subconscious adjusts to the fact that you're committed for life to this person. Gay people always have an out, just as straight people living together do. Why do we look with awe at a gay couple in their sixties who have been together for thirty years? It's a rarity in our world. Part of that is because there's no marriage.

—Ellie

Weddings also offer the couple a sense of emotional security. When we asked Randy if getting married changed him, he said, “Not the next day, but over the years I felt the importance of having a ceremony. We had made such a public commitment to each other, the few times we've had trouble, it wasn't so easy to just walk away from Joe.”

And guess what? Getting married is a lot of fun! Almost every couple we spoke with talked about what a great time they had on their wedding day, calling it one of the high points of their lives. Sounds like a pretty good deal to us.

IT'S COMPANY POLICY

The following businesses, organizations, and corporations are among the thousands across the United States that offer benefits for their same-gender domestic partners.

American Express

Apple Computer, Inc.

Best Buy

Coors Brewing Company

Council 82 Prison Guards, New York

Ford Motor Company

Frito-Lay

Greenpeace International

IBM

International Brotherhood of Electrical

Workers, Local 18

Mattel, Inc.

McDonald's

Microsoft, Inc.

National Grocers Association

Oil, Chemical and Atomic Workers Union

Pacific Stock Exchange

Pillsbury

Reader's Digest Association

Red Lobster

San Francisco 49ers

Starbucks Coffee Company

United Way of America

Vermont Girl Scouts Council

Xerox Corp.

What to Answer When Your Mother Asks, “Why in the World Would You Want to do That? It's Not Legal.”

Choose one or more of the following responses:

“We've entered into a relationship that is too big and too meaningful to deny.”

“It's a celebration of our lives together.”

“If Cousin Bernice can get married, why can't I?”

“We're formalizing our relationship to the outside world.”

“We want to raise a family, and we'd never consider having children unless we were married.”

“We want to create an occasion to gather the diverse people who are important in both of our lives.”

“I'm expressing to my partner the ultimate in commitment and responsibility.”

“We're participating in an age-old tradition.”

“I'm making a political statement.”

“We're doing this to hurt you.”