The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (115 page)

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Authors: Tess Ayers,Paul Brown

BOOK: The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings

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We took a straw poll on this burning issue, and although we're not claiming to be Gallup, it appears that
spouse
is the current terminology of choice for married gays and lesbians; more are beginning to use
husband
and
wife,
and others are sticking with
partner
or
life partner.
Same-sex couples who have been legally married tend to use
husband
and
wife
more. Some change the word according to the situation and who they're speaking with. Then there are always the old standbysâ
significant other, companion, sidekick, soul mate,
and even “Jason's other mother” for you coparents. But regardless of what term they used before, most people do seem to want to indicate that a new step has been taken in their relationship.

After the Deluge

Even if you've been living together, marriage is going to change you. Suddenly, your relationship takes on new weight and import, both to you and to the world, in ways that you never thought possible. Every time you go to fill out a form, you'll stop at the “Marital Status” box and think about it. “Let's see, no, I'm not single.â¦”

If you weren't living together before you got married, you've got a real ride ahead of you. Learning to live with another person is always such an eye-opener. (“You mean you do the dishes right after you're done eating? Really? All the time?”) And regardless of whether you've lived together before, you kind of have to start writing a new scriptâbecause it's easy to get complacent and sloppy once you've made a long-term commitment. Keeping it fresh may be your greatest challenge. But it will pay off in a big way.

You now also have a life with a family that consists of (at least) two people. Not that you need to be joined at the hip, but the fact of the matter is that before, all you really had to concern yourself with was getting your own life headed in the right direction; now you have to coordinate that with another person. Sometimes it's harder; sometimes that other person is a ballast for you and makes everything easier. But no matter how you look at it, you are the recipients of a beautiful, magical gift.

About a year after Jane and I had our wedding ceremony, I got a form in the mail to fill out for my twenty-five-year high school reunion, and it had a blank for my spouse's name. Now, I really hadn't thought about coming out to my entire high school class, but when faced with the reality of that blank, what choice was there? Either we were married or we weren't, and if I couldn't fill her name in there, what was it all about in the first place? So I neatly penned in the name,
and mailed it off, feeling quite proud of myself. A few weeks later, I got a call from someone named Joanne, who worked for the company that was organizing the reunion. “Um, Tess, I just have a little question about some of the information you sent us.â¦ Where it says, âspouse's name,' you wroteâ¦ Jane Anderson?” “That's right, Joanne, is there something wrong?” There was a long pause, then: “Oh, no, of course, there's nothing wrong with that. I think that's great. It's just that this information goes out to all of your classmates, and I didn't want you to be embarrassed. You know, my hairdresser is gay andâ¦” and so on.

The point being this: although I'm very out in my daily life, I really don't know that I would have bothered to put Jane's name in that blank if we hadn't actually had a wedding. The fact that we are married (in our eyes if not in the eyes of the IRS) has changed meâprofoundly and irrevocably. And I couldn't be prouder.

âTess, 1994

The last thing we want to say is, we wish you both the very best of luck, and many, many happy years together.