The End of All Things Beautiful (14 page)

It hits me in the chest and my mouth falls open in mock surprise
and Benji does it all over again. Before I know it, we’re throwing snowballs
back and forth at each other, most of mine missing him by miles and his
connecting until I’m almost completely covered in snow.

“You win!” I yell, sounding winded as I hold my hands up in
defeat.

“Did you seriously just quit?” he asks.

“I did,” I respond, walking over to him, but as soon as I reach
him, I lock my leg around his and take him down with a technique he taught me
when we were only ten. It still works like a charm.

Benji falls flat on his back in the snow as I climb on top of
him, straddling his hips, I try to pin his arms down with my knees, but he’s
too quick.

“You’re a cheater!” he screams, and I’m squealing with laughter
as he reverses our positions and it’s now me flat on my back and him straddling
my hips. My arms are pinned above my head as I squirm underneath him, but he
silences me with a kiss.

It only takes a second for him to deepen the kiss and I can feel
the heat radiating off his body despite the coldness all around us. His tongue
entwines with mine and I taste him once again, a mix of beer and warmth, his
lips soft and smooth as they press into mine. I moan into his mouth, my arms
around his neck, dragging him closer to my body. I need to be closer and as if
he can hear my thoughts, he lifts me off the ground and I wrap my legs around
his waist.

“Take me home,” I whisper into his mouth, breathless and needy.

Benji pushes the door open, my body still wrapped around his as
I slide out of his arms and down his body. Without words, I walk up the stairs
to his bedroom with him following behind.

When I turn to face him, his eyes are dark, his pupils wide and
I can see all the want and need I feel reflected in his face. My hands begin to
shake as I step closer to him, closing the distance between us, my heartbeat
drumming loud in my ears, as I’m flooded with warmth.

I need to touch him, to be close to him, and this can’t be like
all the other times we’ve done this. There is so much more meaning in it now
than there ever was before.

I love him.

I’ve always loved him, but now, I know I can’t live without him.

I watch Benji lift his shirt over his head; his flat, toned
stomach and his perfect chest exposed to me and I suck in a ragged breath. There’s
a tattoo that runs down his right side and my hand shakes as I reach out and
run my fingers over it. His skin is warm, but his body lines with goose bumps
from the touch of my hand and I hear his sharp intake of air as I go back and trace
each letter of his tattoo.

tu me manques

It’s all in lowercase letters and when I look up at him, he
tucks my hair behind my ears, his mouth only inches from mine as he whispers, “It
translates to
you’re missing from me
.”

He doesn’t need to say any more, I understand the significance
behind it, the words holding more meaning than anything he’s said to me.
Without each other we’re incomplete and not just the two of us, but our group
that was once five.

I don’t want to cry anymore, but the tears escape slowly and
Benji’s fingers wipe them away as my hand rests on his chest. I can feel the
steady beat of his heart calming me and I close my eyes, stepping closer to him
until I’m wrapped in his arms.

I lean back, lifting my head and he lowers his to meet my mouth.
We kiss, slowly, passionately and behind it are all the feelings we tried to
forget, feelings we both buried deep inside because the loss hurt more than
anything.

But here in the darkness of his bedroom, the room quiet, our bodies
on fire, our labored breathing coming hard and fast, I want him. I want to feel
everything; everything I’ve shut out for so long. I want the rush of emotions
that comes with being this close to him again. I want it all.

I step away from him and run my hands down his chest, my fingers
undoing the buckle on his belt, but he doesn’t move. His eyes are closed and
every time my fingers graze his skin, his breathing grows ragged and a soft
moan escapes his lips. I undo the button on his jeans as my lips kiss a line of
soft kisses across his chest.

Moving away from him just slightly, I lift my sweater over my
head and unbutton my jeans, kicking them off with my boots and tossing my
sweater to the side, his eyes locking with mine as I do.

Once again I’m pressed against him, this time my bare skin
against his and the feeling causes my body to ignite, warm and aching. I’d
forgotten what it feels like to want someone like this, to be completely
connected to someone and to feel it everywhere. My body is on fire, his touch is
the only thing I can feel, hot and burning as his hands explore every inch of
me.

I’m shivering under his touch, my body trembling as he touches
me, his fingers trailing along my overly sensitive skin. Each touch is like
sparks of electricity and my heart races. I need to be as close to him as
possible.

“Please,” I beg, and his mouth, soft and pleading, runs along my
jaw and down my neck, stopping to kiss and bite gently until I’m needy and
desperate.

I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t care. I want to get lost in
him, I want to lose myself and remember what it’s like to have him love me, to
feel him inside me.

My hands on his chest, his heartbeat matching mine, fast and
rhythmic; the anticipation intense and when his mouth meets mine again, I grow
weak. I feel myself push his jeans to the floor and he slips off his boots,
kicking his jeans off with them as he backs me up against the bed. My legs
brush the duvet and I lay back on the bed.

I grow lightheaded as I watch his eyes rake over my body and
when he lies down, the weight of his body on me, I gasp out loud. I pull my
bottom lip into my mouth and his pupils dilate, showing me exactly how he’s
feeling.

He begins kissing me again, his lips soft and slow. Taking his
time, he kisses my face and my neck, my shoulders and my lips as his fingers
run down my arms. Each touch brings a shiver to my skin, but I need more. I
need him.

Benji kisses a line up my neck until he reaches my ear. I can
hear his breath coming fast and ragged as he whispers, “You’ve always been my
light, Campbell.”

“Don’t stop, please,” I beg, and I feel like I’m melting. His
words, his touch, the way he kisses me; it’s all more than I ever thought I
would feel again. It’s perfect.

My fingers trail up his arms, caressing the tight muscles in his
biceps, and when I reach his neck, I cradle his face in my hands. Bringing his
mouth to mine, I exhale slowly as I whisper, “I love you.”

Running up the sides of my body, his hands slip around and undo
my bra, but he’s slow and deliberate, taking his time as he slides the straps
down my arms. Each brush of his fingers causes my body to respond. My pulse
rapid, my breathing labored, as my body tingles. And when his lips press
against mine, his tongue urging my lips apart, I open to him and feel the
warmth of his mouth meet mine.

I’m ready for him.

And then it’s just us as I feel him push inside me.

The soft moan that leaves his lips is nearly my undoing.

I love him and this is perfect, despite all the awfulness that
still surrounds us.

Afterward, my head is cradled in the crook of Benji’s arm; his
fingers are tracing a light pattern of circles on my back as the silence of the
room consumes us. It’s only us, no words being spoken, just a remembrance of
what we once were and what we can become again.

“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice quiet and weak. He has no idea
what he’s done for me, and my words don’t even begin to express how I feel.
They will never be enough.

“For what?” Benji asks, his hand now stroking my hair softly.

“For reminding me what it feels like to live again.”

“Campbell,” he says, my name rough on his lips as if it hurts to
say it. “I never want you to feel like that again. When I saw you, all I saw
was the pain you felt and it broke my heart.”

I owe him so much more than just a thank you, but I don’t even
know where to begin. I know he’s hurting too and I want to make everything go
away. I want us to be normal.

“Are you okay?” I ask him, the question vague, but he knows what
I mean. There’s no need to elaborate. And even as I ask the question, I wonder
if we’ll ever be okay. Will we ever know normal again?

“I am now,” he says, stopping to kiss my forehead. “But I haven’t
been for a really long time.”

I press against him even more, my skin against his, the warmth
of his body, calm and soothing. How long can we last like this? My life in
Chicago still exists even if I want to act like it doesn’t. We haven’t
discussed anything and I can’t help but wonder what will happen when I have to
leave.

“What happens now?” I ask, although the apprehension I feel is
stifling. I don’t want to ruin the moment and I’m suddenly pissed at myself for
even asking.

Benji pulls away from me, looking down at me, his beautiful blue
eyes soft and his lids heavy. He looks peaceful, sated, and I want him to stay
this way forever.

“Anything you want,” he says, kissing me gently. With his lips
still touching mine, he murmurs, “Stay forever, marry me, just don’t ever
leave.”

I giggle, but I know there is no practicality to his words. Can
I really stay? Give up my job and everything I’ve known? And before I can think
about it anymore, I know the answer. It’s yes. Nothing makes me happier than
being here with him. My life up until this point has been nothing but emptiness
and disappointment, sadness and grief. It ends now.

“Yes,” I whisper, pressing a few soft kisses to his lips and
then his neck and his chest.

“Yes, what?” he asks, and I know he’s smiling. He wants me to
say it out loud, to tell him everything I want and everything I feel. And for
once in my life, I want to feel all the happiness and nervousness and fear that
comes with it.

“I’ll stay forever,” I say as I kiss him. “I’ll marry you.” I
kiss him again. “I’ll never leave,” I whisper against his lips, and he pulls my
mouth to his, his hands holding my face as he kisses me fiercely.

And all I can think is,
Please
don’t ever let me go.

I never expected us to fall back into being this intimate and
this comfortable with each other so quickly. Honestly, I had no idea what would
happen when I first showed up here. It definitely wasn’t this, yet surprisingly,
it feels so right.

“Nothing would make me happier,” he says, and it’s all I need.
We deserve to be happy and maybe this is our chance.

I wake the next morning, the sun streaming through the open
blinds and with Benji asleep beside me. I smile when I see his face.

He stayed.

I cuddle into him, wrapping my arm around his waist and my legs
tangling with his. I love the way he feels in my arms, the way his body is warm
and smells like cedar, something that will always remind me of him. I love it.

I love him.

“Mmmm,” he mumbles, his voice hoarse with sleep as he nuzzles my
hair, his arms encircling me and pulling me even closer. “I love waking up with
you in my bed.”

Everything about this feels new, yet somehow exactly the same as
it once was. We’re different people now and I wonder if without the accident we
would’ve ended up here. Would we have been this happy?

I’m kissing his chest as he slowly wakes up and begins to run
his fingers up and down my spine. I shudder at his touch, everything about it
is perfect and I’m incredibly turned-on.

I find myself straddling his hips and bringing my mouth down to
meet his. I can’t get enough of him and as his hands explore every inch of my
body, I know he feels the same way.

“What do you want to do today?” I ask, pulling back from his
mouth, still breathless from his kiss.

“You,” he says, pinching my side and I laugh, burying my face in
his neck, his beard scratching the side of my face.

“Don’t you have to go to work?”

“Nope. I just want to stay here with you and do exactly what we
did last night, all day today.”

I don’t answer him. I can’t because my mouth is busy trailing
kisses all over his beautiful body, my actions the only answer he needs.

Benji
keeps his word and we spend the entire day in bed together. It doesn’t stop
either of us from enjoying each other over and over again. It doesn’t matter
how many times I’ve had him, I can’t get enough. Nine years is a long time to
be without the person you love, and we have a lot of time to make up for.

“Can we
really do this?” I ask, and Benji rolls onto his side and props himself on his
elbow.

“Do what?”

“This,” I
answer, motioning between the two of us with my hand.

“Um, I
think we just did...many times,” he says, a cheekiness to his tone.

“Be
serious,” I say, swatting him on the chest with my hand. “Can we really make
this work?”

“Yes,” he
responds definitively, like there’s no reason to question it.

“Benji, I
have a job and a home in Chicago...”

He cuts
me off. “You can have a job here if that’s what you want. If not, I’ll take
care of you. You have a home here, I’m here, our life together is here. It’s
quiet and peaceful. It can be just us, Campbell.”

I nod my
head, each one of his reasons pushing me closer. The biggest reason being him. It’s
what I’ve always wanted and right now, it’s exactly what I need.

“Stop
overthinking it,” he says, kissing my fingers as they lace with his. “I know
this seems fast, but we’ve been together since we were five. I loved you then
and I still love you now.”

Why is
there a part of me that’s holding back? He’s right about everything and
although I’ve learned to take care of myself, to rely on no one, I can’t help
but relish the idea of Benji taking care of me, to once again belong to him.

“Okay,
let’s do this,” I say smiling, but a part of me still knows we’ve solved
nothing that drove us apart the last time. The accident will always be a broken
bone hidden under the skin. You can’t see it, but the pain is there, and
despite the fact that it might have healed, it never healed correctly. It will
always be flawed.

“Nothing
has to change right away,” Benji says. “I know you have things you need to take
care of and I’ll be there to help you.”

We’re
still avoiding it all, the reason I came here in the first place and as much as
I know we need to discuss it, I can’t bring myself to start the conversation.
We can just go on as if it didn’t happen. We’ve survived this long without any
discussion of it, among each other and with people we’ve met. But, in the end,
we haven’t really survived it, we’ve both just floated through life, ignoring
and denying, only to find out we’ve lost another friend because of it. It’s a
secret I’m now keeping from him.

“Benji,”
I say, my voice soft and a knot forms in my stomach. I need to tell him even
though I know it’s going to hurt and there’s potential that it will push us
apart. I begin to relive it all; Tommy’s letter, the funeral and his burial,
the pain I felt through it all and how I went it alone when I didn’t have to. I
don’t want Benji to deal with this alone; it’s what made all of this so
difficult in the past. We need each other to cope, being the only two who
understand what we’ve been through.

“What,
baby?” he murmurs, his deliciously warm body wrapped around mine. His hands are
roaming over my skin, first my arms, my stomach, my breasts; his fingers softly
brushing against my skin distracting me and making me crave him.

“I have
something to tell you,” I whisper, my voice breathy.

“Shhh,”
he says, silencing me with a kiss. “We have nothing but time, baby and right
now, I want to take a shower with you.”

Despite
the protests my head is screaming at me, I give in to what he wants. Maybe part
of me is still avoiding it all, but right now, I just want the happiness I feel
radiating from Benji to last as long as it can.

Before I
can answer him, he’s tugging me from the bed and into the bathroom. He starts
the water and the bathroom begins to fill with steam. It’s warm and calming and
everything about him is a turn-on as I watch him step into the shower, his body
disappearing into the fog.

I step in
behind him watching the water cover his beautiful body, and even though we’ve
spent the whole day together, I can’t stop touching him. I run my hands up the
muscles of his sculpted back, kissing him and letting my hands run down the
side of his body.

He turns
in my arms and I feel the cool tile against my back. He backs us up further
until his body is flush with mine, the warmth of his skin coupled with the cold
tile is driving me crazy as his hands reach down and grab my ass. When he lifts
me up, I wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him as close as I can get.

Our
mouths meet in a desperate, urgent kiss—hard and breathless. I can’t
breathe, but I don’t care. My body is screaming for him to never stop.

I feel
him enter me and I hear the groan that leaves his mouth as he does, and it
makes me want more. We’re as close together as we can possibly be, but I always
want more. I want to be connected to him in every way possible as I take in
everything; absorbed in him and everything he does to my body. I’m on fire and
it makes me want to call out his name, and beg him to never stop.

“Campbell,”
Benji moans, his mouth kissing and sucking on my neck. “You make me fucking
insane,” he says, but this time his words come out in a growl, desperate and
pleading.

Neither
of us speaks after that; we can’t. Our bodies are consumed by each other and
our breathing hard and labored. It’s intense and all overwhelming.

As we’re drying off, Benji comes up behind me, gathers my wet
hair in his hands, and pushes it to the side, exposing my neck. I close my eyes
when I feel his lips meet my skin.

“You’re insatiable,” I murmur, reaching behind me, my hand
cupping his face. “But I love it.”

“I love you,” he says, his hands now pulling at my towel until
it falls to the floor, his hands caressing my body. “God, I want you, but I’m
fucking starving,” he groans, and it makes me laugh.

“Then let’s eat, I don’t want you to starve.”

We decide to have dinner at the bar in town, since Alex and
Annie are both working tonight. Benji told me they have an amazing menu and
that Annie does all the cooking, but she’s rarely there during the off-season,
spending only two or three days there when the weather gets cold.

We take a seat at the bar and Alex greets us with a smile. He
continues serving the two older gentlemen at the other end. Otherwise, the
place is pretty deserted.

“It’s always like this,” Benji says, shrugging his shoulders
like I should be getting accustomed to the quiet of this small town.

A few minutes later, Annie comes out from the back and
practically squeals when she sees us. “Yay!” she yells, and Benji smiles at
her. “I’m so glad you came in. I didn’t think we’d see you tonight.”

“We just saw you yesterday,” Benji teases, rolling his eyes at
her and she reaches across the bar and swats him on the shoulder.

“Stop being a shit,” she says. “We usually see you every day and
since Campbell came back, you’ve disappeared.” She doesn’t mean this
maliciously or even jealously; it was clear when I met them that Benji spends a
lot of time with them.

She hands us both a small menu and gives me a sympathetic smile.
“Sorry, there isn’t much on the menu this time of year.”

I give it a quick look and my eyes catch Alex’s as I look up. He
winks at me and I add, “Better than lukewarm potato skins and chips and salsa.”

“Hey,” he says acting insulted. “I helped you out when I could’ve
just told you to piss off.”

“You did, Alex,” I answer back, lacing my words with sweetness. “And
for that I’m grateful.”

He gives me a quick nod and it makes me giggle. This whole
situation is completely foreign to me. I have no friends back home, my only
social interaction being at work and even there I keep everyone at arms length.
Before I left I had Carson, but even that was forced and in the end turned out
to be a complete lie. I know I can’t recreate what I once had with Tommy, Sam,
and Kelly; but Benji and I can start over, create something new.

We place our orders and Annie disappears into the kitchen
leaving us alone with Alex. We chat for a few minutes before the bar begins to
fill up with customers, busier than I’ve seen it since I first set foot in here
a few days ago. But given this is the only place in town that seems to be open
on a regular basis, I’m not really surprised.

We sit quietly for a little bit before I turn to Benji and say, “You
spend a lot of time with Annie and Alex.”

He nods and says, “Yeah, they’re my family.” He looks away from
me quickly, like he feels badly about not seeing his own family or guilty that
I was separated from that whole plan. He’s made no mention of his parents since
I’ve been here and I can only assume he’s lost touch with them.

“It’s okay, Benji,” I say, taking his hand. “I get it. Sometimes
it’s easier to start over.”

“You still see your parents?” he asks.

“Not really. They moved down to Florida and rarely come home.
But you know how my mom always was.” I run my hand through my hair and shake my
head.

“Yeah,” he smiles a little. “Blissfully faking her unawareness
of all the shit we were doing.”

“Yep, and nothing’s changed.” That pretty much describes her and
to this day it still doesn’t bother me. I often wonder if it should. Would I
have shut down after the accident had she been more involved in my life? Would
I have shared with her what happened? All of it there in the back of my mind,
but I still believe that tragedy would have struck hard regardless. It was an
awful situation.

“How about you?” I ask him, although I feel like I already know
he doesn’t have a relationship with them anymore.

“Nope. After everything,” he says, his voice taking on a softer
quality as if he says it too loudly he might have to explain himself. “I kinda
just disappeared. Never really told my mom where I was going and by that point
my dad had met someone new. I felt like my life was falling apart and they were
the last people I wanted to share that with. And the more time that went by,
the harder it became to get back in touch with them.”

He looks away from me and I can sense his guilt over it all. The
accident has made us do things we would never normally have done. It’s made us
defensive and nervous, scared and closed off. I know the feeling well.

“Eventually I learned to live without them, I learned to stop
missing them.” He stops talking again, taking my hand in his. “Yet I always missed
you. No matter how much time passed, I couldn’t stop missing you.”

I squeeze his hand and lean my head against his shoulder. I feel
him kiss my head and I whisper, “I’ve missed you every single day.”

Annie interrupts us, dropping our food off and chatting for a
few minutes, but leaves quickly since the bar has become busier.

I feel like this is the way it’s been since I found Benji. We
start to talk about things, but our conversations are short and punctuated with
small moments of admissions, yet nothing ever gets too deep; we’re just
scratching the surface. We can’t possibly go on like this, but I can’t bring
myself to be the one to initiate what we both know we need to talk about.

I rub my hands up and down my arms and Benji looks over at me,
wrapping his arm around my shoulder, he pulls me closer.

“You cold?” he asks, and I giggle.

“Are you going to warm my hands again?” I ask, cocking my head
to the side and smiling at him seductively. “If the answer is yes, then I’m
absolutely freezing because watching you do that was so fucking hot.”

“It was pretty damn hot,” he says winking at me. “But no, that’s
not the reason I was asking. I was asking because you were being a stubborn ass
when I told you to take my coat.”

“Why, so you could freeze instead?”

“No, I could’ve worn another, but you, in all your independent
pain in the assness, opted to wear no coat instead.”

“Mine was still wet and it wouldn’t have been if someone hadn’t
tackled me in the snow last night.” I shoot him a dirty look and he laughs.

“Stop being so fucking cute. I kinda wanna eat really fast and
then take you home and have you for dessert.”

“Do it then,” I challenge, raising my eyebrows as I watch him
start eating.

“Hurry up,” he tells me. “We have some place we need to be.”

We finish our dinner and wish Alex and Annie a good night. I
climb into Benji’s truck, my teeth nearly chattering from the blast of cold air
that hit me as we were leaving the bar. I’m utterly freezing, not used to it
being this cold so soon.

“Hurry, turn the heat on!”
 
I yell, and Benji gives me a filthy look.

“Should’ve brought a coat,” he says nonchalantly back, like he
couldn’t give a shit that I’m cold and shakes his head at my stupidity. I love
his teasing; it feels so normal.