The End of All Things Beautiful
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Authors: Nikki Young
The End of All
Things
Beautiful
Nikki Young
Copyright ©
2015 by Nikki Young
All rights
reserved. This book may not be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any
printed or electronic form without permission from the author. Please do not
participate in or encourage the piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of
the author’s rights. All characters and storylines are the property of the
author and your support and respect is appreciated. The characters and events
portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarities to real persons, living
or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author
.
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by Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations
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A
Life More Complete
My
Winter
Table of
Contents
“Forgiveness
is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
-Mark Twain
It
wasn’t supposed to be this way. We grew up together. There were five of us;
they were my first everything—each one of them. Until they weren’t
anymore.
We
were supposed to be together forever. But sometimes forever is a lie and things
fall apart before you even realize what is happening. An ugly interruption of
perfection, an uprooting of everything you’ve ever known and everything you’ve
ever come to count on. But at the time I was too young and naïve to believe
what would happen.
Invincible.
It
couldn’t happen to us.
It
would never happen to us.
We
were happy and loved, and when you grow up believing the world is at your
fingertips, nothing bad can ever happen.
But
with the good always comes the bad. And it’s with the bad that you find the
ugly side of life. You find people aren’t who you think they are, and that situations
can separate bonds that were never meant to be broken.
I
never believed one day, one single day, could change my life, change our lives,
so drastically, cause such upheaval and make me run from the only people I ever
loved; but that’s exactly what happens when secrets rip apart your world.
One
day changed us.
It
ruined everything.
One
Nine Years Ago
“Come
with me,” Benji says, and I laugh at his words. He’s said this to me before,
but the context and the scenario were different. “Get in the car, baby,” he
pleads, standing with his hands on his hips, his voice firm, but still somehow
playful. He’d never demand anything from me and today is no different.
He
loves me.
He
needs to be near me. I understand. Completely.
I
look down at my watch knowing I have an early class tomorrow morning, but
something in his eyes won’t let me say no. He has an inexplicable hold on me,
yet I know I have the same affect on him.
“What
the fuck, Cam?” Sam shouts from inside the car. He’s called me Cam from the day
we met. I hate nicknames, but for some reason, I’ve taken a liking to him
calling me Cam, even if I won’t tolerate it from anyone else.
As
I’m debating what I know is right and what I really want to do, Kelly jogs up
behind me and climbs in the passenger seat, kissing Sam with far too much
fervor than necessary.
“See,
Campbell?” Benji states, again with a humorous quality to his voice, as he
reaches for me. His arms slip around my waist pulling me tightly against his
chest as my heart begins to flutter. It’s moments like this that it’s a wonder
I ever say no to him. He knows what makes me weak. “Baby,” he whispers, his
breath tickling my neck as he presses his lips against my skin. “I just lost my
spot in the front seat. Who’s going to keep me company now?”
“Cam!
Get in the fucking car!” Sam screams this time, and it makes me laugh. I bury
my face in Benji’s chest and nod my head only to hear a riotous cheer leave the
car as Benji lifts me off the ground swinging me around.
“Where
are we even going?” I ask, as Sam whips out of the parking lot, the radio
blaring while Kelly giggles at something inappropriate that has just come out
of Sam’s mouth. It’s at this that moment that I feel my body shudder, a small
chill rushing through me, making me question exactly what I’m doing, as if
something about this moment feels off.
“The
beach, Cam,” Sam says casually, like it’s obvious to everyone but me and in a
second he lights a joint and passes it to Kelly, who in turn takes a hit and
passes it to Benji.
I
know everything about this scenario is wrong. It’s been wrong since the moment
we started doing it years ago. And although I’m feeling uneasy, I glance around
the car and know this is exactly how it should be.
This
is our normal.
We’ve
been together now for, well, forever, honestly. All of us growing up together;
the same suburban Chicago town, upper-middle class families, kindergarten
through high school, living the dream.
We
never intended to go away to college together, but somehow the pieces fell into
place and we found ourselves attending the same school. Looking back on it now,
our connection has always been intense and I’m not sure we could’ve survived
apart. Each one of us needing the other for balance, support, normalcy and
love. We complete each other in ways that only we understand.
Before
I know it, I’ve taken a hit off the joint and passed it back to Benji who can’t
seem to keep his hands off me. Groping at my thigh as his hand slides farther
up my leg and under my skirt. His fingertips brush the edge of my underwear and
I know where he’s headed and my body is already responding.
My
breathing is growing heavy, my heart racing in my chest as Benji’s fingers slip
into the side of my underwear and when his fingers find what they’re seeking,
he lets out a low groan in appreciation.
My
head falls back and my eyes close, knowing this is the last thing we should be
doing with our friends sitting in the front seat, but I don’t stop him. I can
hear his labored breathing as he begins to grow desperate for me and my hand
slides across the bulge in his jeans.
“Fuck!”
Benji yells out and my eyes spring open, wide and questioning as I’m hit with a
moment of panic. “I dropped the fucking joint,” he adds as he scrambles to the
floorboard searching.
“Maybe
if you’d kept your hands off Cam’s pussy we wouldn’t be having this problem
now,” Sam says from the front seat.
I
lean forward and slap him on the shoulder glaring at him as he looks at me in
the rearview mirror. “Do you have to be so graphic?” I ask, disgusted with him
even though this is nothing new and the only response I get is a wink. I shake
my head at him, a shy smile on my face as I watch Benji find the joint and
flick it out the window.
And
again a strange feeling takes over, my body growing cold as my palms begin to
sweat. I mentally begin to list all the things I should be doing instead of
spending the afternoon, and more than likely the evening getting drunk and high
at the beach with my friends.
I
suddenly want to tell Sam to turn around, that I have a bad feeling about
today, but even in my own mind it sounds idiotic and strange. There’s no
explanation for why I’m feeling this way and I chalk it up to guilt about not
being at home studying or working on the million other things I have due over
the next week.
The
car slows to a stop and the door is immediately flung open, startling me. Tommy
climbs in, forcing me over with his body until I’m practically sitting on Benji’s
lap.
“Move
over, Campbell,” Tommy says, his hand squeezing my thigh, making me giggle. I
remember a time when this car held all of us comfortably, before Tommy was six
foot three and had a body like a pro-football player, when Benji and I could
make out in the backseat without feeling like I was going to smother him, and
when Sam could drive without the seat being set back as far as it could go.
We’ve
all grown up, yet for some reason, it still feels exactly the same as it always
has. Like we’re still just kids. An incestuous grouping of five people who have
a connection that no one understands.
For a while, I was one of those people.
You
see, Kelly, Sam and Tommy have one of those relationships that somehow thrives
despite the fact that she won’t choose. She loves them both, she says, and
there was a time when it bothered me. I watched Tommy get hurt and I hated it,
because he will always love her more. It never really bothered Sam, or at least
he never let on that it did. But now, like everything else in our lives, it has
become our normal.
Tommy
pushes up on his feet, his head bumping the ceiling as he leans forward and
plants a quick kiss on Kelly’s shoulder. I see her smile grow, reaching behind
her, she runs her fingers along Tommy’s cheek. I don’t doubt she loves them
both, but I’ve always doubted the equality. Can she really love them both with
the same amount of effort?
Kelly
and I have talked openly about her relationship with both guys and she has always
explained to me that she does in fact love them both, but for different
reasons. Without the two of them, she feels lost. Tommy is her constant, her
calm and her understanding. Sam is her no excuses, her harsh and her
unforgiving. Both guys opposite yet somehow whole when together.
Maybe
I just don’t understand it because I’ve never loved anyone but Benji. I fell in
love with him before I even knew what it meant to fall in love, to be in love
with someone. It was before we knew the world was full of disappointment and
flawed people and liars. I found him somewhere between a dream and a nightmare.
We found each other, and there was a trust there that existed only within our
small bubble of a world. I remember holding his hand at age five and thinking I
never wanted to be away from him. And from that day on, the connection only
grew. It turned from companionship and friendship to an overwhelming need to be
together. Without him, I would have crumbled to pieces.
Maybe
this is how Kelly feels about both of them. I’ve grown to understand that.
I
rest my head against Tommy’s shoulder and he presses a kiss to the top of my
head. I just want him to be happy. I hope he’s happy.
“How
was your day?” he asks as he gazes out the window, his voice quiet.
“It
was okay. Long, but better now that I’m avoiding any responsibility with you
assholes.”
“There’s
no better group to avoid life with than us,” Tommy says, leaning forward and
flicking Sam in the ear.
“Benji
threw our joint out the window, but not before fingering Cam and trying to
start my car on fire,” Sam quips,s and again I smack him.
“Fuck
off,” I answer back as I give Tommy a look that says
feel sorry for me.
“Glad
I didn’t miss anything new,” Tommy says before pulling another joint from the
pocket of his jeans.
“Light
it up, baby,” Kelly says with a huge smile on her face.
A
few hours later we find ourselves on the beach, the shores of Lake Erie, quiet
and desolate. The season is already over, but that’s the reason we’re here. It’s
empty and it allows us to do as we please without repercussions.
We’re
only nineteen and we understand the ramifications of what we’re doing, but like
everyone else our age, we still do it. We live recklessly, as though we’re invincible.
I’m
on my third beer, falling behind the rest of them as I lay with my head on
Benji’s leg listening to Sam drag on about god knows what since I tuned him out
at least twenty minutes ago. Kelly and Tommy have disappeared and I often
wonder if Sam rambles on, all nonsensical and bullshit-like to keep his mind
off what’s going on with Kelly.
I
watch him grab another beer and down it quickly while Benji follows, giving my
side a pinch to tell me to get moving. He knows me well enough by now to know
that by the fourth beer I’ll be buzzed, by the sixth I’ll be drunk and he’ll
more than likely get laid. And right now, the more I drink, the less anxious I
feel, so I keep drinking. While everything looks normal on the surface, I can’t
help but feel like I’m watching the slow sinking of everything we’ve ever known
go down with the ship.
I’m
being stupid.
It’s
nothing.
The
music from the car is playing in the distance as Benji strums along on his
guitar. I close my eyes; listening to the sound of his voice as he sings with
the music. Sam has grown quiet now and the only noise is coming from the
comfort of Benji’s guitar. A few seconds pass and the music blends with the
noise of the water. I feel Benji press his lips lightly to my forehead, and
then his hand weaves with mine as he pulls me up off the sand and into his
arms. His arms wrapped around my waist, he tugs me close and begins to slow
dance in the darkness, singing softly into my ear. His voice is melodic and
deep, and each word makes me press into him even more. But something about this
moment feels different, like it’s the beginning of the end. It’s like the dying
breath of our relationship, and I whisper, “I love you.”
“I
love you more than you’ll ever know, Campbell,” he says back and I know now
that something awful is going to happen. I feel his lips brush lightly against
my cheek and what he says next nearly kills me, “You’ll always be the only
light I’ll ever see.”
By
the time night falls, we’re all drunk and attempting to sober up so one of us
can drive back to campus. It’s a forty-five minute drive and while we’ve stopped
drinking, none of us will be legally sober to get behind the wheel. Yet we’ve
done it hundreds of times before and tonight will be no different.
“You
ready?” Benji asks, slipping his arm around my waist and pulling me against his
side. I nod and make my way back to the car. Feeling exhausted and still drunk,
I stumble into the backseat, taking my place in the middle between Benji and Tommy.
Before
Sam has even started the car, Kelly is passed out and Benji has his face
pressed into the curve of my neck. I’m giggling as he nips at my neck, I feel his
breath hot against my already flushed skin.
I
remember very little from the night and after the car starts; it’s all a haze.
I fall in and out of consciousness as I feel Benji’s hands run up my thighs,
his lips on mine, needy and pleading as his tongue parts my lips.
I
catch bits and pieces of a conversation Tommy and Sam are having, punctuated with
long pauses. Either that, or I’m blacking out. Something about deer and tans,
or is it beer and cans?
Before
I know it, I’m straddling Benji’s hips, his hands are moving up my shirt until
he’s pushed it up over my head and it hasn’t occurred to me to be concerned
about the other people in the car. I’m lost in him and what he’s doing to me.
Lost in the drunkenness and the darkness, and wanting only one thing.
Benji.
I’m
sliding my hand into the front of his pants, completely prepared to forego my
inhibitions and do god knows what with him in this car, when the sound of
squealing brakes cuts through the quiet of the night and the next thing I hear
is the sound of metal scraping on metal.
I
feel a jarring, violent shaking of the car and it feels like we’re spinning. We
collide ruthlessly with something equally as heavy and the car finally gives
way, crumbling under the pressure. I vomit spectacularly, my stomach emptying
all over Benji and me as he screams out loud.
