The End of All Things Beautiful (27 page)

“Alex
and Annie will be here in an hour. I’m going to take a shower.”

I
stand up and Benji begins to remove his clothes and I once again notice his
tattoo.

“It’s
true, you know,” I say, gesturing at the contrasting black ink against his
skin.

“It
always has been.”

An
hour later Benji is showered and we’re standing in the kitchen. Benji’s opening
a beer while I’m straightening up when a small knock comes at the door and it
opens just a second later.

“Hi,”
I say, greeting both of them with a smile and a quick wave. I head over to
where they’re standing as they take off their wet boots and hang their coats on
the rack by the door.

With
Benji following behind me, he hands Alex a beer and we all move over to sit
down on the couch.

“So,
I’m guessing there’s more to this story than ‘we just broke up’,” Annie says,
breaking the tension that has filled the room. She looks over at Benji and
gives him a quick smile. Up until this point, not much has been said about Benji’s
relationship with me. Why it ended or what led up to it ending. I think both of
us tried to forget it ever happened and by not talking about it or at least not
the details of it, we felt we could brush it off.

“Full
disclosure,” Benji says, giving me a look that says forgive me. “I filled Alex
in after you left and I’m sure, because he can’t keep anything from Annie, he
told her too.”

Alex
laughs out loud and it makes me smile. Benji knows Alex well enough to know
he’d have told Annie and in a way I’m grateful. It takes some of the pressure
off of both of us. He was able to tell Alex in an environment that was natural
to them, when they were alone and things were settled.

Annie
shakes her head, rolling her eyes a little. “They’re hopeless,” she says,
looking over at me as if I should know exactly what she means and I do. When
you’re in love with someone, you keep nothing from them. Benji and I watched it
ruin our relationship, but it’s funny that the truth is what ultimately brought
us back together.

We
spend the next hour filling Alex and Annie in on what happened. But this time
there are no tears. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve told this same story so
many times, or if we’ve finally come to terms with what we’ve done or possibly
the fact that Alex and Annie have no direct connection to the accident. Maybe
it’s a combination of all these things, either way; this time is easier.

Annie
asks a few questions, but nothing prying or uncomfortable and when all is done,
we sit around sharing stories and laughing. It’s still funny to me every time
they call him Ben, but I figure eventually I’ll get used to it. But I do know
there will never come a time that I call him that. He’ll always be Benji to me.

I
hated that I doubted Benji’s judgment about telling them, but that fear will
always remain. One day there will come a time when someone doesn’t respond this
favorably, not that I imagine there will be many more instances where we’ll
need to discuss any of this. For our sake I hope this is the end.

When
we climb into bed, I slide over until I’m pressed against Benji’s bare chest. I
can smell him and feel him, warm and comforting.

“You
ready for this?” he asks, as he kisses the top of my head and I can feel the
smile on his face.

“I’ve
been ready my whole life.”

We’ve
had a hard year, but we’ve also had some of the best times we’ve ever had in
our lives. It’s funny because while Benji and I still struggle with the weight
of it all, it hits each of us at different times. We have different triggers,
different times of the year when it’s harder, and moments when one of us falls
apart, but the other doesn’t. Maybe that’s a good thing, because one of us is
always there to pick up the pieces.

We
found ourselves in therapy shortly after telling Alex and Annie, because we realized
that although we’ve shared everything with our family and friends, there were
internal battles that kept us from moving forward. It’s helped tremendously.

But
I also think we’ve been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel now, and
with each day that passes, we find ourselves falling into patterns of normalcy;
almost a correction of all the things that have gone wrong. Sometimes I think
it was fate that created the accident and now fate is righting what was made
wrong. Or at least correcting it.

While
Samantha and I will never have the kind of relationship that would ever be
considered close, she doesn’t keep Thomas from Benji or me. She doesn’t have to
allow us to be a part of his life, but she does, and I’ve never been more
grateful to someone in my life. Having Thomas be involved in the things we do
and being involved in his life has allowed me to forgive myself for giving up
on Tommy. Maybe that’s what Tommy always wanted; Benji and me to be a stable
figure in Thomas’ life.

We
spent his fifth birthday with him, a party thrown by Samantha that she invited
us to. Later on, Samantha and Thomas came to visit. It isn’t that she doesn’t
like me; I still get the sense that she blames me for Tommy’s death and maybe I
am partially to blame. I could’ve done more, I know that, but that’s the reason
I’m making a conscious effort to be in Thomas’ life.

We
have Thomas, and I hope it’s something that lasts. He’s fate’s replacement for
losing Tommy.

My
relationship with Jack changed far more than I could’ve ever imagined and since
moving in with Benji, we talk on a regular basis and not just about work. It’s
funny to think that I had to move nine hours away for us to form a friendship
when we spent so much time together before. I actually enjoy him now. Shortly
after I left he met a girl who he has fallen madly in love with. I just adore
her. She’s sassy and sarcastic and she keeps Jack in line. She’s perfect for
him. I often wonder if my happiness has something to do with his. Either way,
I’m glad we’ve both found what we needed.

It
was only a few weeks after I moved in with Benji that I found out I was
pregnant. It didn’t really come as a surprise, but what did was the fact that I
was pregnant with twins. Finding out around the twenty-week mark when I had my
first ultrasound, both of us sat there staring at the screen, utterly silent.

I
was the first to cry, and it was after the ultrasound tech told us we were
having a boy and a girl. It wasn’t the fact that the babies were twins; it was
that they were a boy and a girl.

While
fraternal twins are the most common, especially a boy and girl, to me, it felt
like fate once again set things right. Like it was replacing what we lost all
those years ago. What was once five was now whole again with Thomas and now our
babies.

The
day they were born was bittersweet. With Benji by my side, we both held them
and cried, naming them Kaya and Andre, meaning forgiveness and strength. But
never forgetting how we got here, their middle names hold far more significance
and sentimental attachment.

Kelly
and Samuel.

This
is our life now and it may never be perfect, but it’s our life.

And
sometimes out of a tragedy comes something beautiful.

First
and foremost, I need to thank my readers. My sincerest thank you goes out to
everyone who purchases my books and reads them. Whether you love them or not,
all your reviews, comments and messages are deeply appreciated. They make this
all worthwhile.

To
my amazingly talented cover designer Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations. (
www.okaycreations.com
) Your time, effort and work will never
go unnoticed by me as will your insane amount of talent. This cover is
absolutely perfect and I can’t tell you enough how much I love it. Thank you!

And
then there are my betas, the girls who have been with me from the beginning. I
adore each of you and not just for being willing to read my books without question,
but also because of your friendship. Kelly, thank you for being my grammar
queen. Your knowledge of commas, semi-colons and other random punctuation will
always be unmatched by anyone. Not to mention your hilarious comments regarding
my characters and your response to being killed off. Julie, this time around
you have a job, you’re going to school and maintaining a social life, all while
still living with your parents, but you always have time to read my books.
Thank you for staying up till three in the morning to read my book and then
texting me while driving to tell me how much you enjoyed it. There might be ten
plus years between us, but that never mattered. Love you, cuz! Kristen, thank
you for always standing by me and asking me how my writing was going even if it
was in secret. Your note taking is ridiculous and so are your nonsensical
ramblings and overthinking, but regardless, they made my book better. Natalie,
there are many times I wish there wasn’t (or is it weren’t??) an ocean between
us, it kinda sucks, but it never stopped you from helping me. Thank you for
reading this one chapter by chapter. Your comments and messages are insanely
useful and hilariously funny all at the same time. I will always owe you for
all your help.

And
he’s always last, but certainly not least, my wonderful husband, BJ. Thank you
for everything. The list is endless and I’ll never be able to fit it all, but
you know what I’m talking about. You’ve made your way into every book I’ve
written in one way or another and I hope you don’t cringe when you come across
those parts. Thanks for being cheeky so I always have writing material. I love
you more than Zingers.