The Encyclopedia of Me (31 page)

64
Yes, that is sarcasm.

65
Words I can think of but have no bearing on my life whatsoever: gravel, gristle, gravy, Google, Greece, gravity. I will work hard at endeavoring to somehow become involved with any or all of these things for future editions. Encyclopedias — in case you don't know this — always have lots of editions, so I could theoretically update this book every year for my ENTIRE LIFE. Except I won't, because that seems like way too much work, and also I already have a really great idea for a Dictionary of Disasters that I'd rather write than rewriting this.

66
It's the fringe-covered gypsy lamp that Mom bought in Paris when she was traveling with a dance troupe. It's truly the ugliest lamp in the world and is not (unlike what she believes) beautiful just by virtue of being French. No one bothered to pick it up.

67
See?

68
I inherited my fear of heights from my mom, who is so afraid of heights that she once froze on top of a stepladder while changing a lightbulb, and I had to call Dad at work to come home and help me to get her down. True story. Ask him. Don't ask Mom because she'll say it didn't happen, but it DID.

69
Ruth Quayle was friends with SWR? How was that possible? I was shocked to my core. Not that RQ and I were BFFs or anything; obviously FB had that job forever and always in my heart, but I did feel a bit sick and, honestly, betrayed. Even though it didn't make sense. Feelings rarely do, or so I'm learning.

70
Anaphylactic shock is when you get a bee sting or eat peanut butter and you are super allergic, SO allergic that you have to stab yourself in the leg with a needle that looks like a pen. In case you didn't know this, I can tell you that the main symptom is that your lips and tongue get all tingly, which I know because my dad gets that if someone's wayward dog licks him at the park and then he has to stab his thigh with his pen-needle, which is really pretty cool if it also didn't involve having to have a dramatic-near-death experience from a puppy's smooch. The people who own the dogs in question always feel super bad when Dad does that in front of them, and they should. Those friendly dogs are like loaded pistols!

71
Gone with the Wind
is another one of my favorite books. Read it. Do not be fooled by the ridiculous cover. There are lots of different covers because it's been printed a billion times, so pick one without a sunset picture of a man kissing a woman. That's the worst one. The book looks and sounds boring, but I promise it isn't and you will love it. However, if you do not love it, it is not my fault, it just means you have poor taste in reading material, and I cannot be blamed for your shortcomings.

72
Well, not actually writing, but “thinking obsessively about Kai and the kiss,” which is really part of the writing process. Thinking about your own life, I mean, not necessarily thinking about Kai specifically.

73
In my experience, there are only three occasions that cause hand shaking: 1. Cold, 2. Anger, and 3. Totally Out-of-Control Crushes on the boy next door.

74
NOT that he is MY BOYFRIEND. I get that. I know he kissed me for a reason and not because he liked me. I just thought maybe he did like me, after all, and that maybe he kissed me because he wanted to, but maybe I'm just making up a big story around something that didn't mean anything to anyone and I don't even know why I'm still talking about it and I'm going to stop NOW. I promise.

75
I read somewhere that if you don't know what color someone's eyes are, then you don't love them. Not if you just can't tell, but if you say, “Oh, I LOVE so-and-so” and someone else says — and no, I don't know why they would, but just say hypothetically that they do — “What color are his/her eyes?” and if you don't KNOW, then you aren't really in love. Also, you look like a total doofus going, “Actually, I have no idea! Maybe blue! Or brown! Probably one or the other, or possibly green!” I do know that Kai's eyes are brown. That's something I know for sure. Which doesn't mean that I love him! It just means that I am very observant, which is a good skill for a writer to have.

76
Yes, OK, fine, this did happen to me. But the car belonged to Mrs. O'Malley. As I'm sure you understand, my instinct was not to ring her doorbell and explain the situation. Rather, it was to pedal away quickly. My nose still has a scar if you look at it in certain lights.

77
That crack between your nostril and the rest of your face, otherwise called Nostril Valley.

78
It's only patented because she keeps doing it to the point where it has become her signature gesture. I do not know if she is aware of this or not, but I'm sure she is. Actually, I'm pretty sure she practices it in the mirror. It is getting very refined for an offhand gesture.

79
Don't take this the wrong way, but I am super curious about what happens when you die. I don't want you to think I am suicidal, because I'm not, but I'd like to try dying for, say, ten seconds, just to see if it's like a LIGHT or HEAVEN or just a bunch of nothingness that's like a bog of black paste, sucking you in and down into a void where you lie, bored senseless, for eternity.

80
Yes, THAT Stella. Please rate the relative horribleness of your BFF striking up a friendship with your WEE (Worst Enemy Ever) on a scale of one to ten. If you said TEN, you win a lovely parting gift. If you said anything OTHER than ten, go take this book immediately to the recycling or delete it, if you happen to be reading it on an e-reader, because YOU DO NOT GET IT OR UNDERSTAND ME IN ANY WAY and so you are wasting your time. Thank you.

81
Tuesday, in case you are keeping track, is our first day back at school.

82
Spanish word for “kisses,” which I know because I love Spanish. If you are looking for a language to learn, try it! It's the best. If only I could speak Spanish all the time, I think my life would be a lot prettier and more romantic.

83
I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants, which has never, not even once happened to me from laughing. But the funnier thing (in a not actually funny way) was that when that happened, it made me think of Freddie Blue (Queen of the Pee Pants) and then right away I felt bad that I was lurking with Ruth and not FB. I felt like a bad friend, and also like RUTH was bad for taking me away from FB, and then the mood changed horribly and I ended up pretending I had a headache and going home, even though lurking was the best fun ever and I did a perfect ollie. OK, NOT a perfect ollie. But something that, from a distance, if you didn't know better, you might have thought was an ollie-like move.

84
This is truly the best smoothie of all time. You also need some high fat, very tasty vanilla-flavored yogurt, some milk, and a large handful of ice cubes. Blend until PERFECT, as in “no ice chunks.” Enjoy!

85
Which will probably happen sometime around the first of Never, and/or when this book becomes a bestseller. That would be around the fifth of Never. Either way, sometime in the first week of Never, would be my best guess.

86
“Geni” is a perfectly excellent example of how you cannot shorten certain words without sounding like a total idio.

87
“We can't possibly get caught” is a sentiment once uttered by every idio who is now rotting away in the prison system for the rest of time, FYI.

88
Do you ever notice how the word “blouse” is never used to describe clothing on anyone under the age of eighty? Why is that? They are “shirts” until you are seventy-nine, then
poof
, they grow up to be “blouses”? How does that work?

89
I don't know if you read the book Where the Wild Things Are when you were a kid, but the way she was acting reminds me very much of a WILD RUMPUS. Watching a WILD RUMPUS is sort of embarrassing, like you feel like you should look away and yet also you know that the WILD RUMPUS is being put on for your benefit, so you are also obliged to watch.

90
Everything seemed like it was an act with her lately, and this was just like the grand finale or something. I didn't know whether to clap or cry, really.

91
I'm not sure this was the best tactic, as it looked like mostly what she was doing was annoying and offending the police people. I'd say “policemen” but one was a woman, so that wouldn't be entirely accurate, and I am nothing if not married to the facts.

92
I really don't see “borsk” catching on in place of “bored.” It just doesn't work, although I feel like I should use it just out of loyalty to FB.

93
I think this means that I won the Boyfriend Race, but I don't want to say that out loud in case I jinx it, and actually the whole Boyfriend Race feels embarrassing and dumb and wrong now and I don't even know what I was thinking when I thought it up. I'm sure glad I never said it out loud or wrote it in an encyclopedia or anything.

Oh, wait . . .

94
Yes, I know that everything in encyclopedias is on the Internet and in a more modern and updated way, but it's just not the same because you can't flip the Internet open at random and learn something fascinating about Mohism, for example.

95
If you have anything like a regular, normal name, it is very likely that more than one other person shares it. It is impossible for there to be seven billion unique names. It just is. Don't question it! It's true, because you read it in an encyclopedia. So there.

96
Someone who tinks. Actually, I don't know what a tinker is, come to think of it.

97
He is not the only person in the world who believes this, just the only one in this house. Mom and Seb think he is wrong. And Lex and I do not care. Our not caring unites us more than any sport or TV show or music ever could. Oh, and we also like the same music, in case you were wondering.

98
Here is some helpful information for you: If you're being trampled by a herd of elephants, you should play dead because an elephant will not step on someone who is lying down. Apparently they have no compunction about standing on someone who is sitting up. I don't know whether oxen prefer to trample people who are sitting or lying down, but I don't want to be the one to find out either. You'll have to do your own testing, and let me know what you find out so I can update this encyclopedia with the correct information.

99
Which is beyond mysterious, not that he'd call me Freckle Peckle, which he does all the time, but that he'd say “dude,” which he has never ever said as far as I know and sounds much more like Lex. Was Lex pretending to be Seb? Do I hate Lex? Or Seb? OR BOTH?

100
Not that I have ever been in this situation before, because I haven't, but if you'd asked me before this all happened, I would have given you the Tink Aaron-Martin Patented Stare of Outright Confusion, and then I would have said, “Why would I be waiting for someone to call me? I would call someone if I wanted to talk to them. What a dumb question.” Oh, life, you are so funny sometimes.

101
“Asynchronous” means “not in sync” or “syncing at different rates,” which basically means that you can have a conversation with someone at a different time than they are having it with you. Charlotte Ellery says that having autism is like being asynchronous while the rest of the world is in sync, so that it takes longer for Seb to figure out what is what and to respond or catch up than it would an NT. I do not know why I bring that up now. I just like the word “asynchronous” because it is a word that commands respect from your listener, being a word that they are not likely to know, such that for the rest of the conversation, they are wondering how quickly they can get to the Internet to look up what it means so they know what you are talking about.

102
Yes, of course I'm joking. Obviously freckles and Afros will be made insta-glam by our trendsetting royal family and people will be racing to their plastic surgeons to have freckles added. And Afros will be so totes pops that even FB will have one. (I can't wait.)

103
I do not know the answer to any of these questions. These are just some of the million things that come up when Charlotte Ellery dares to whisper the words ”respite care.” Funnily enough, the only one who doesn't get defensive and weird about the subject is Seb, who shrugs and says, “Fine by me. I could use a break from Lex, he's a total pain in the ____.” When he says this, Lex looks so sad that I want to slap Seb for hurting his feelings, when we all know Lex does tons for Seb that Seb doesn't really get because he doesn't really think too much about Lex's feelings, as I've mentioned. Anyway, it's complicated. Like a pile of jumbly blocks stacked precariously on a foundation of Seb. If the jumbly blocks were “emotions” and Seb was . . . Seb.

104
I can hardly wait to write my first English assignment when I get back to school, which will no doubt be “Where I Went on My Summer Vacation.” I bet my answer is unique. MY ROOM. I'll probably get an A, a sympathy-because-you-had-a-terrible-summer A, but still an A.

105
Zero out of ten doctors recommend a hearty serving of Oreos for breakfast!

106
It is probably very hard for you to imagine why Wex Stromson-Funk was at a school for gifted people. He was not VERY gifted. At least, not outside of math. Being good at math can get you into good schools but it does not — repeat, does NOT — make you smart in any necessarily meaningful way. JEANIE. Ha ha ha. Oh Em Gee.