The Encyclopedia of Me (30 page)

8
When you are very, very short, there is grave danger in people viewing everything you do as adorable, in the way that everything that toddlers do is adorable. Also, some people — like your parents — forget that “short” does not mean “young” and treat you accordingly. Not good.

9
Mom LOVES to tell the Stuck Story, complete with Unwanted Details. The Stuck Story is why she went back to medical school and became a doctor who unsticks the stuck babies of the world. As a result of having listened to her tell the tale, I now hope to never have children, or maybe just adopt them from foreign countries like Australia or Brazil.

10
We were in the mall one time and Seb starting freaking out about a video game that he wanted and Mom explained to the clerk that Seb was autistic and the clerk said — and this really is the worst thing ever — “Oh, I thought they were mute. You wish, right?” I am still in complete and utter shock that he said that. I was only nine at the time and I walked right over and stamped very hard on his foot. Then Mom said, “She's not autistic, she just knows an idiot when she sees one.” I still can't believe I didn't get in trouble.

11
Luckily, Mom just loves explaining Seb. In fact, she can talk for hours about autism and its many fascinating components! So I hardly ever have to say anything, which is handy as I have nothing to say.

12
I have a number of phobias and one of them is saliva. I know that's weird, but I can't help it. I am ENTIRELY WIGGED OUT by the idea of ever properly kissing anyone because, think about it. SPIT EXCHANGE. Now, excuse me while I go and vomit.

13
FB's neighbors, the Beadles, were on vacation in Mason, Ohio, fulfilling part of their life dream of riding all of the World's Tallest Wooden Roller Coasters.

14
It is impossible to believe that once the book comes out, movie rights won't be snapped up immediately. I wonder who will play the part of me? Goodness, I can hardly wait! Exciting!

15
Unless you are actually IN Alaska, in which case you already know all there is to know about it and can go ahead and skip this entry.

16
I do watch the Discovery Channel, so I'm not a total imbecile when it come to actual facts.

17
Yes, that is how she talks.

18
Short for “gorgeous” and one of many words that Freddie Blue and I have created together to help improve the English language, which I'm sure you know could stand some jazzing up.

19
I don't have a crush on anyone. If only the boys I know weren't such total drips, it would help. If I'm going to grow up to become a famous writer and celebrity personality, I'll need to experience a lot of heartbreak. And soon.

20
Mrs. O'Malley — although she has the name of a queen-sized, happy, Irish lady — is actually a thin, nasty local woman who sits on a bench exactly halfway between my house and Freddie Blue's house and says things to us that are blatantly rude. For example, she might say “You girls are trouble!” or, my favorite, “Better seen, not heard!” — you know, the kind of witty gems that elderly people like to embroider onto throw cushions. Mrs. O'Malley could stand to do a bit more embroidery and a bit less shouting.

21
Weird phenomenon wherein you fall in love with your evil kidnapper and forget that she is keeping you prisoner in an ugly purse, and instead believe that she is your BFF and doing you a favor by carrying you around all day to the point where your legs probably don't work anymore anyway.

22
That is really what a group of owls is called — look it up if you don't believe me. I almost used “murder of crows” because that is also cool, but they really do sound more like owls.

23
The storming is definitely a Peacekeeper Fail.

24
Did you know that the liver is just basically a giant filter that animals use to separate gross waste from useful stuff? IT'S A GARBAGE FILTER. You would eat a garbage filter? THINK ABOUT IT.

25
As in “hilarious.” Here is a fun tip from me to you: If you want to be cooler than you are, you should always abbreviate words, unless it sounds stupid when you do it. Like you'd never say “soop stoop” instead of “super stupid.” But “hilair” is made of win and makes you seem super sophisto.

26
A made-up word, just an example of the many words we have created.

27
Pops = popular. As in, “All Freddie Blue Anderson wanted out of life was to be totes pops.”

28
There are three: Disapproval, Disdain, and Disgust. They are pretty similar but slightly different, especially around the eyebrows.

29
Her laugh was weird. I shouldn't probably say this, but it made me think of the laugh that girls sometimes have that I call the OMG LOOK AT ME I'M SO PRETTY laugh. I'd never before heard FB do this laugh.

30
This is due to the breath holding I do in my unwanted role of Peacekeeper.

31
Not that I've ever ridden a pony, due to Dad's allergies, Mom's busyness, and Lex's and Seb's hatred of horses, ergo, my unfulfilled dreams, but I could imagine.

32
Instead of ever winning anything, I am always getting “honorable mentions,” which are really a nice way of saying, “You didn't win, but you didn't come last either! So, way to not totally lose.” I do not like honorable mentions. I really prefer to win. Or at least, I'm sure I would, if I ever won anything.

33
Although it is true that Cortez has a pretty elastic definition of “gifted,” which can mean you are good at art or music OR that you are smart. I think it should just mean “smart,” which would weed out most of the annoying people in our school. I actually think Cortez uses the word “gifted” to mean, “gifted with parents who make enough money to afford to send their kids to Cortez.”

34
Can be short for “idiot” or “idiotic,” depending on the rest of the sentence.

35
Which is really at any moment, because there is probably not ever an opportune moment for this to happen. If you can think of one, please write to me immediately and you will win a prize, the prize being the satisfaction of knowing you are the only person who could come up with a good time for your boob to fall off.

36
And/or he is just angry that I survived, after all.

37
Both the people who bully me the most have hyphenated last names. But! SO DO I! Are people with hyphenated last names meaner than regular people? (Am I meaner than regular people without even knowing it?) Is it a thing? Like how serial killers always have triple names? Or is it just coincidence? Feel free to use that question as the basis for your next essay assignment. Good luck!

38
“Ergo” is a word that means the same as “so,” basically, but it also makes you sound smart and intimidating. Try it!

39
Seb used his phone to call National Geographic magazine to correct something they'd written about pygmy tarantulas. It turned out that Seb was wrong, but he'd never admit that. He does not believe that it's possible for him to make mistakes. His phone did not have a long-distance plan, so the call cost $102.37. MISTAKE.

40
When your work is delivering babies, your hours are not “normal.” Most babies seem to present themselves in the middle of the night, hence we never know when Mom will or will not be home, arriving home, or just leaving.

41
No one uses the laptop except me, as the fact that it is not hooked up to the Internet renders it 92 percent useless. Which means they have no compunction about kicking it under the couch if it happens to be in their way.

42
Ironically, now that I'm allowed to go out, I really don't want to, although it is likely I will take the laptop up my fave tree and work up there until the battery runs out. I'm pretty excited about it, to be honest. When I get famous and people say, “Where were you when you wrote this book?” I can say, “I was up a tree.” They'll be all, “Oooooh, brilliant. So unique! So creative!” Right?

43
I do not know what any skateboarding or longboarding or whatever words are. Note to self: Learn the words! How can I be a cool boarder girl if I don't know what anything is called? Embarrassing.

44
I was mostly just shocked that he said what he was thinking, not just that he was thinking I was awesome. I couldn't imagine just going up to someone and saying, “Hey, I like you. What's up?” But I bet he could. I bet he did it all the time. Actually, he probably had a whole herd of girls he thought were awesome. I was probably no one special to him. Just one of a lot. Or maybe he just had really low standards.

45
We talked about music, boarding, school, his old hometown, his parents, and just . . . everything. I felt like I was talking to myself, except not in a crazy way. I guess I mean I felt like he got my jokes. He laughed quite a lot. It was pretty amazing.

46
“Conquistador” may be the best word in the entire history of words ever spoken. Try saying it out loud! You won't regret it. Con-KEEEES-ta-dor!

47
This means “I think therefore I am.” I would argue that even if you never think (see: Lex), you still ARE, but Lex did not go to Cortez.

48
Feces! Do you know what “feces” means? DO YOU? Well, everyone else does. Trust me.

49
The way she said it said, “I know you like him but I don't care.” Or that's what I thought it said. Reading between the lines.

50
Freddie Blue told him in the age-old way that disloyal best friends tell boys about their best friends' feelings. That is, she wrote him a note with check boxes: “Do you like Tink? Yes No.” Guess what he said? That's right. Even writing this is making me die a little on the inside.

51
Unlikely.

52
Even more unlikely.

53
I promised FB I would stop saying “awesomesauce” because it reminded her of “applesauce” and she believes she is allergic to applesauce and claims — which I'm a tiny bit skeptical about — that if I say “awesomesauce” in her presence, she will break out in head-to-toe hives. But I doubt FB will read this book, so I'm not worried! Oh, hi, FB! SORRY ABOUT THOSE HIVES, MY BAD.

54
Oh, yeah, I should have mentioned that. I was in the tree. I've decided it's the best place in the world to write an encyclopedia, way up high, your legs dangling over the green lawn fifteen feet down, where no one bugs you, and by “no one,” I mean “Hortense doesn't hurl her skin sack of a body against your keyboard, accidentally erasing your genius entry about ‘dogma,' which you've now forgotten and can't re-create.”

55
Before Seb was diagnosed, my parents thought he had a behavioral problem and tried to hook him into any hobby they could think of. As a result, we have a million pieces of sporting equipment and art supplies and stuff, none of which he ever touched again after the first time. BUT just because he doesn't want to use them, doesn't mean that anyone else is ever allowed to touch them. So I'm risking my life! Sort of! Or at least risking the wrath of Seb, which is pretty huge! And scary. I must really really want this.

56
Although he somehow also manages not to be a vegetarian, and I'm going to guess that he knows that “meat” is just a fancy word for “dead animal.”

57
The hilarious thing is that there is no basement exit. I don't know how he's going to get it out of there. Really, it's kind of funny when you think about it. Will he carry it up the stairs? How much do those things weigh? Will it be stuck in the basement forever? Only time will tell.

58
I dreaded hearing it. I get all weird when someone starts telling me something I know they want me to be all jump-up-and-down-OMG-wow! excited about. I just can't do it. I freeze up inside, like their words are liquid nitrogen, and my reactions are a giant wart.

59
I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes I think something, and no matter how far-fetched my dumb thought is, it's like as soon as I THINK it, I instantly believe it. There is probably a name for that. If you find out what it is, let me know, but in the meantime, I call it “thoughtasthesia.” Please note that “thoughtasthesia” is not a real word so if you use it in conversation, people will almost certainly point and laugh. AVOID.

60
This is going to sound crazy to you if you don't also have an autistic brother, but one day, out of the blue, he said, “I've changed my mind about flagellated worms. I think they're pretty interesting.” Up until that point, he'd have a fit if he even saw a picture of a flagellated worm. He thought they were the most disgusting thing ever. So if he can change his mind about a flagellated worm, I guess he can change his mind about any old thing. Why not?

61
Or they are dead. Everybody magazine always has some story in it about someone who was killed in a terrifying way. Frankly, I could live without that article. I find it very jarring to be reading about a star's close relationship with her hairstylist and then turning the page to find an article about a corpse found in someone's backyard while they were digging up their tomato plants.

62
“Humiliating.”

63
There is no prize for being right in this instance because the answer was obvious. But you DO have the satisfaction of knowing you were right, and that's better than being wrong! Right? Right. See? SATISFYING.