The Edge of Juniper (24 page)

“I’m glad, but I’m not sure that was my parents you met.  They were acting weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Just awkward.  I guess it will take time for them to get used to not being married.”

“They’ll figure it out.”

“Yeah.  Hey, want to watch a movie?”  I didn’t want to watch a movie.  I’d suggested it because
I
felt a little awkward.  It was odd being with him, but not being in Juniper.  Being me, but feeling like a different me.  I hoped we’d figure it out too.

“No, I don’t want to watch a movie.”  He brushed the fingers of his free hand down my cheek.

“Good, I don’t either.  Malcolm?  This feels like a lot of pressure, like we have to make this time extra special, make it count.  I’m too busy telling myself to make it count, and I’m not letting myself make it count.”

“Remember that time, before I ever even kissed you, when you said you were savoring?”

“Yeah.” I smiled.

“Let’s do that.  Let’s savor every second.”

I slept beside Malcolm on the couch that night.  We both wore our clothes, but I could tell my mom wasn’t too happy about it when she woke us up in the morning.  She didn’t say anything though, and I wondered if this was that thing I’d heard about, where children of divorced parents get away with more stuff because each parent wants to be the favorite.  Regardless, I wouldn’t have cared if I had gotten in trouble. It would have been worth it for that night, squeezed tight in Malcolm’s arms, surrounded by his scent and his warmth, not wasting a second of our time.

I hated that his flight left so early.  We didn’t have time for much more than showers, scrambled eggs, and a little more talking on the couch.  All too soon, it was eight o’clock and we had to leave for the airport.  Mom drove, but we tried to pretend she wasn’t there.  She let us.

I put my palm on his cheek.  “I feel like I just got you back, like I just barely got started showing you how I feel and how much I missed you, and you have to go.”

He put his hand across my stomach and whispered into my ear, “I feel so many things for you, Fay.”

“But do you feel how much I love you?”

“I feel it.”  He pressed his cheek against mine, and I tried to quiet my racing thoughts, tried to enjoy the moment.

We said good-bye the whole car ride, with whispers and touches and promises.  Now we were at the airport, before he went through security, still saying it.

“I hate this.”  I rested my forehead on his chest.

“I do too.  But I’ll come back as soon as I can.  I’ll talk my parents into letting me come some weekend next month.”

“Then we’ll have to go through this good-bye again.”

“But we’ll get the hello too.  I really liked that hello.  And isn’t that better than not seeing each other?”

Of course it was, but I didn’t answer, because I had started to cry softly into his shirt.  When I was ready, I let him go, and watched until he disappeared into the crowd.

“It’s time I admitted it to myself.  I can’t afford to buy out Dad’s half of the house.”  Another month had somehow gone by, and Mom sat at the dining table sifting through papers and punching numbers into a calculator.

I nodded, figuring that was how it would go.  I had expected this, worried over this.  “So will Dad be able to buy the house?”

“He’ll have the option.  I assume he will, because the only reason he gave me first option was because he knew you’d be living here most of the time and he wanted you to get to stay in your home.”

I looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes.  This house was home, but only when all three of us were in it.  With one of us missing, it wasn’t home anymore.  I was actually glad when school started, because being there felt more familiar than being home did.  “It’s okay that we have to move, Mom.  I think I’ll like having a new place that doesn’t have old memories.”

I felt Mom’s eyes on me.  When I looked up to meet them, I saw the tears perched on her lashes.  “I happen to be fond of our old memories.”

  I was trying to be helpful and supportive of her, and Dad too, but sometimes I turned into a needy child and just wanted them to do the caretaking.  It was hard seeing them both so fragile, so in need of care as well.  I knew I needed to grow up, start behaving like the adult I nearly was.  That was easier said than done, when I spent nearly every minute of the day feeling like I was stumbling over everything.

Mom’s face contorted with the effort of trying not to cry, and then smoothed.  She swallowed hard, and forced a smile at me.  “You know what?  I think it could be fun, you and me finding a little apartment, or maybe a small house.  We’ll buy that purple rug Dad vetoed.”

I forced a smile back at her.  “Sure.  Sounds great, Mom.”

“There’s one more thing I’d like to talk over with you, Fay.”

“Okay.”  I watched her warily.

“It’s about where we’ll live.”  She spun the pen she was holding between her fingers.  It was her nervous habit to fiddle with things.  “I moved here, to Perry, for your father.  He has Uncle Nate, and Grandma, and other family here.  Even his old high school friends are here.  I’m glad for him that he has good family support.  I want that too.  I was thinking of moving to Juniper, where my family is.”

I sat back in my chair, stunned.

“I’d like to be closer to my sister, and housing is much cheaper there.  And my cousin Lena is just a half hour away.”

“Have you talked to Dad about this?”

“Yes.  He and I discussed it.  He’s okay with it.”

“So my parents are going to live a thousand miles away from each other.  Where will I live?”

“We haven’t worked it all out yet.  We want your input.  We want you to be able to choose where you live during the school year.”  She looked away from me.  “I understand if you choose to stay here.  It’s where your friends are, and you only have two years of high school left.  I won’t be upset if that’s your choice, and you could come live with me in the summers.”

Looking at her, I knew she
would
be upset.  And if I went with her, Dad would be upset.  How could they make me be the one to choose?  I had the choice of thoroughly hurting one of my parents.  Some choice.  I stood up and pushed my chair in.  I pounded up the stairs to my room, feeling more like a big baby than the near-adult I’d just admonished myself to be.

I collapsed on my bed, feeling torn in half.  I had to choose a parent to live with, but other things also factored in.  My anger faded, and the thought floated to the surface that I could go back to Malcolm.  Be near him.  It was a surprise, a gift I’d never imagined, and it sewed a few of the cracks in my heart together.  Then, the thought of leaving Freya and Finn again ripped the stitches right back out.

I stared at the ceiling, tears leaking down my cheeks and into my pillow.  I didn’t know how it had happened, but I now fully knew how disappointingly
human
my parents were.  They were fallible.  And so was I.  And so was everyone.  But maybe there was room inside trust for humanness.  For mistakes.  Maybe trusting someone just means you trust them to do their best by you.  You trust them to take you into consideration when they make their decisions.

I knew I wanted to be somewhere I had someone I trusted to know I was a mess, but doing my best.  I wanted to trust someone else to do his best, too.  I was ready to put my faith in someone, and leap, and forget about fear.  I had worried the burgeoning thread of trust growing between Malcolm and me wouldn’t grow strong enough, because of the miles between us, but in that moment, I felt it, nearly a physical thing tugging on my heart, pulling me toward him.

I would miss my dad, and Freya and Finn, every single day, but I was ready to take real chances, and risk the worst feelings in order to reach for the best feelings. I was going back to Juniper, to open my heart further than I thought possible, and add ply after ply to that thread between Malcolm and me.

20

I
’d had to
tell my dad I was going to live with Mom.  It wasn’t an easy conversation, but it went okay.  My time with Dad, when we could work out a visit, was bound to be fun.  We’d eat at restaurants, go to movies, hike, sit on the patio and read books side by side.  I could meet up with Freya and Finn whenever I wanted. The thing was, I’d miss all of them being part of my daily life.  I leaned my head against the glass and listened to the humming of the car as it rolled over the highway, and replayed the things my dad had said.

“I know Freya and Finn will really miss you.” 
Guilt.

“If you ever change your mind, I will always welcome you living here.” 
Guilt.

“I hope to keep the house, so you’ll have your childhood home to visit.” 
Melancholy.

“I’ll fly down to see you once a month.” 
Sadness.

“You made a great choice in Malcolm.  As far as first boyfriends go, he’s a good dude.” 
Glee
.

Saying good-bye to my dad was hard, but he made it easier with his brave face.  Finn had sulked, Freya cried.  Between that and the window rattling my skull, it was no wonder I had a headache.  I must have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes, my mom had slipped into a parking spot at the Bakerstown supermarket.

“This store has more selection than that little shop in Juniper.  I thought we could stock up on our way through, so our cupboards won’t be bare.”  She patted me on the shoulder.  “You want to come choose some things?”

Our budget was small, since Mom wasn’t completely assured of a teaching position at the Juniper schools.  She had a round of interviews to get through, but I wasn’t worried.  Still, I restrained myself from putting anything in the cart other than a box of Fudge Rounds.  I couldn’t live without them, and they were cheap.

In the personal hygiene section, we stocked up on shampoo, razor blades, tampons, and hair ties.  Mom was acting strange, and when we turned into the next aisle, it became clear why.

“So, I figured we should choose some of these.”  She waved her hand at the display of condoms.

“You’re planning to date so soon?” I said it deadpan, so she’d know I was teasing.

“For you, silly.”

“Mom, I don’t need them.  Not yet.”

“But if you do need them, I don’t want you to be without.  Sometimes things happen rather suddenly.”

“Not with Malcolm and me.  We move very slowly.  We’re basically sloths.  And we’re talkers.”

She smiled.  “I had no doubt of that.  You’re the best talker I know.  But still, don’t you think it’s wise to have them, just in case?”

“Teenagers are supposed to buy these in secret, you know.  Drive to the next town over, and then rush home and hide them in the closet.  I learned that this summer.”

“Not in our little family.  In our family your mother will buy them for you.”  She plucked a box off the shelf.

“Mom, seriously.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on the expiration date, and replace the box as needed.”

I laughed and took the box from her hands and put it in our cart.  “Fine.  Whatever makes you happy.”  I thought about how fast things had changed for me over the summer, and I, too, felt comforted by that blue box in the cart.  Things could change in an instant; even things you thought were carved in stone.

Celia walked around the empty space that was to be my new room.  She had her arms crossed against her chest, as if she were holding herself together.  “This is a beautiful room.  I love the blue paint, and that big window would be great for sneaking out.  Too bad you won’t need to do that again.”  She gave me a half-hearted smile.

“You know, we invade your house all the time.  You guys never came to stay with us.  It’s about time we paid you back.  Now that we’re in town to stay, I hope you’ll crash on my floor from time to time.”  I pulled a few books from a box and put them on my bookshelf.  The top of the bookshelf was home to my treasures.  It held a framed picture of Freya, Finn, and me, as well as various other mementoes.  Front and center was the oval box Malcolm had made for me.  I rested my fingertips on it lightly before turning back to Celia.

She shrugged as if it was no big deal, but her arms dropped to her sides and her shoulders unclenched.  “Maybe.  You do owe me.  The floor though?  At least I had a bed for you.”

I smiled and went to the window.  My new view was to be of the woods, and that felt very lucky.  A lot of things felt lucky.  My despair, my sense of pointlessness was easing away.  Ebbing.  Marigold was right, and I had accepted that ebb and flow was part of life.  After all, bad things ebbed too.  I knew it was going to take some time to adjust, but my hopeful self was coming back, maybe even stronger than before.

“So did you go see Malcolm first thing?  I bet he flung you up in the air and swung you around, just like in a movie.  Sickeningly sweet.”

“I haven’t been to see him yet.  That’s next.  I wanted to see you first.”  Celia had seemed distant during our phone calls, when I could get her to come to the phone at all.  I was worried about her.  I sat on the floor and crossed my legs, motioning for Celia to do the same.  “I was gone a long time.  Tell me what I missed.”

She picked at the strings on her cut-offs.  “You didn’t miss anything.  All he did was mope around and whine about you being gone.”

“I don’t mean about Malcolm.  I mean about you.  I have a thousand questions, and you think I’m talking about Malcolm?  What about Ronan?  Has he been a jerk?  Have you spent any more time with Paul?  Are your parents okay?  I promise I didn’t tell my mom about it; I knew you wouldn’t want me to.  What has Abe been up to?  What about school starting?  I have to start going there next week, and I need to know what I’m facing.”  I had more, but Celia cut me off.  She was doing that thing where she was grinning and trying not to.  Her lips looked pinched.  I knew she’d be happy I’d wanted to see her first; that it would mean a lot to her.  That’s why I’d done it.

“Ronan has been a total jerk.  He walked by when I was eating ice cream at Dream Cone with Paul, and he called me a slut.  Right in front of everybody!  Paul looked at me, so calm and smooth-faced that it was sort of eerie.  He put his hand on mine and stroked it like this.”  She reached out and stroked my hand.  “Then he said, ‘Celia, do you want me to go punch him in the throat?’ and I just laughed.  I mean, Paul is taller than Ronan, but he’s, you know, kind of skinny.”

“So did you tell him to go punch Ronan?”

“I told him I appreciated the thought, but that I’d had enough violence in my life and was looking to be with somebody who was more into peace.”

I pressed my lips together, trying to keep my mouth shut while I picked the right thing to say.  “It sounds like you confided in Paul.”

She shrugged; her ever-present signal that she didn’t want me to believe she cared very much.  I knew better.  Celia’s shrug was her way of saying
this is important, but please ignore it because I don’t want an emotional scene.

“I told him a few things,” she said.

“I think that’s great.  Really.  I’m almost afraid to ask, because I don’t want to scare you away from him.  Paul’s such a good guy.  But I thought you weren’t going to date anyone from Juniper.”

“Let’s just say he represents the small portion of things about this town that aren’t completely terrible.”  She smiled.  “And you were right—six years is a long time to go without kissing anyone.”

We both looked up as my mom walked in.  “Hi, girls.  Celia, do you want to stay for dinner?”

“I can’t.  Mom wants me to help her clean out the basement.  I’m supposed to be home in ten minutes.”

“It’s so weird that we can walk to each other’s houses.”

“Weirdly awesome.”

“Awesomely weird.”

My mom left the room, and Celia stood to go.  “Don’t go yet, I need to hear about school, and Abe.”  I looked down at the floor.  “And your parents.”

“Abe’s fine.  Same as usual.  There’s nothing you need to know about school.  It’s the same as every other high school in the country.”

“Is there a swim team?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, and what about your parents?  Anything change there?”

“Fay, don’t be naïve.  Nothing will ever change with them.  Life isn’t some after school special where we can find help for our loved ones and they’ll go to AA and suddenly everything’s perfect.”

“My mom’s here now.  Maybe she can help your mom out.  They can find a way to fix things.”

“Don’t go hatching plans and trying to make me feel hopeful.  Some things don’t change, and some things can’t be fixed.”

My chest ached, because I had learned that was true.  “Still, I don’t think we should give up yet.  Can I at least talk to her about it?”

“Whatever.  Do what you want, but you’ll soon find out it’s pointless.  Look, I have to go.”  She didn’t move though, only shifted her weight from foot to foot.  “I’m really, really glad you moved here.”

“Me too, Celia.”

The walk from our tiny, two-bedroom house on Easton Street to Malcolm’s house on Market Avenue only took five minutes.  Five minutes of the early autumn sun on my hair, the maples with a few red leaves dotting their branches, and chipped and rocky sidewalks.  I could see the soft blue of his house just up ahead.  My heart thudded against my chest.

As I got closer, my feet moved faster.  He was on the porch, sitting on that upturned bucket the same way he had been the first day I ever saw him.  No shirt, no socks, wood dust coating his jeans.  He was browner this time, tanned from a summer mowing and swimming and kissing in the grass.  He was more real too, not just some handsome lumberjack, but a talented carpenter, a bad swimmer, a thoughtful optimist, a persistent, easy-to-pester person.  He was
my
person.  I stood at the corner of his yard, listening to the
chh, chh
sound of his sandpaper, and watching his brown head bob with the effort.

“What are you making this time?” I called up to him.

His head rose so fast I had to laugh.  He leapt off the bucket and it toppled over and rolled away.  He quickly placed what he was working on inside the bucket and pushed it to the side of the house.  He dashed down the steps and met me in the grass, wrapping me in a hug so tight he lifted me off the ground.  Celia had been kind of right.  “It’s something for you.  A surprise.  But here you are, surprising me.  I thought you wouldn’t be here until Monday night.”

I pressed my face against his neck, and put my mouth up to his ear.  “When I left, I had to go a couple of days early, so I thought I should come back a couple of days early.”  I squeezed him.  “You know, to give us more time.”

He pulled back to look at me, searching my eyes.  Whatever he saw there must have pleased him, and he pressed his lips to mine gently, tenderly.  “You made our wish come true.”

“That’s what you have to do with wishes.  You get out your wand, and make them real.”