The Disappearing Girl (9 page)

Lila and I inherited the same body shape from my father’s side of the family. We carried our extra weight in our hips, thighs, and butts; we were mirror images of my paternal grandmother. My father wasn’t exceptionally tall, and he always joked about the extra thirty pounds he carried around despite my mother’s healthy cooking. He’d compliment her on the delicious meals she prepared, but he would frequent fast food restaurants while driving to and from work. Besides that propensity for fatty meals, my mom also despised how much he smoked. He’d been a heavy smoker since high school, and that, coupled with his diet, likely contributed to his heart attack.

My mother anguished over how we didn’t have the same genes as her side of the family. Her mother was tall and willowy; a preview of what my mom would look like in twenty-five years. Although Lila and I had always been close in weight, any excess pounds she gained became more apparent due to her shorter frame.

“Don’t let her bother you. I wish I was half as beautiful as you are,” I said. I fluffed her hair. “Don’t let it give you a big head though. You’re still a little brat.”

I was being sincere with my compliment. I wouldn’t change a single thing about my sister. With a laugh, Lila stuck out her tongue.

I followed Lila upstairs to deposit my suitcase on the floor of my bedroom. “Where’s Mom?” I asked as I sat with her on my bed.

“She went shopping for dinner tonight. Just to warn you, she’s making angel food cake topped with fat-free whipped cream. In her head, that counts as a birthday cake,” Lila said, and she snorted.

My sister was repressed when she was around my mother. Lila seemed to be truly herself only when my mom wasn’t near. After my father died, we had turned to each other for solace since our mother offered none. This bonded us in a way where a glance in the other’s direction could reveal what we were thinking. I’d been terrified to return home, horrified over the possibility Lila would take one look at me and know I was starving.

“How was your real birthday? Did you go out to a bar and get trashed?” Lila leaned forward.

“Brittany had us bar hopping for most of the night,” I acknowledged. “How have you been? I hope you haven’t been going out and getting trashed.”

“Like that would ever happen under Mom’s rule,” she said and leaned onto her back on my bed, propped up on her elbows. “She hates all my friends and won’t let me date the guy I like.”

“You’re a junior, Lila. College will be here before you know it,” I assured her.

“It seems like forever now.” Lila added wistfully, “I wish I could live with you.”

“Me, too, but even if I got my own apartment, Mom would never let you stay with me while you finished high school.” Flopping on my back, I shot her a forlorn look. “I wish Dad was still here. Maybe she’d still be happy then and let us be.”

“Do you think they were happy together?”

“I always thought, why him? What was it about an average-looking guy who was a vet that made her fall in love with him? But she needs someone to revere her, to make her feel like she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Dad did that. Remember their anniversaries? He would start planning months in advance and give her the most outlandish gifts: trips to the Caribbean, diamond necklaces, a new car. We aren’t super-rich, so I’m guessing he had to save every penny to afford those presents.”

“The wrong parent died that day,” Lila whispered vehemently. Her hands were clenched into fists and I hadn’t seen her that angry in a long time.

“Lila, don’t say that.”

Flipping onto her side, her brown eyes grew wide. “Don’t lie and say you don’t feel the exact same way. Our mother is a bitch that basically tells us every day how we’re fat, ugly losers nobody will ever love. Dad was the only one who gave a crap about us.”

What had my mother done to us? My sister was full of a black rage that made her wish death upon her own parent, while I was retreating farther and farther into myself.

“Do you want to guess what she offered to buy me for my next birthday?” Lila demanded. “A nose job. I didn’t realize I needed one until she suggested it.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “You don’t need a nose job. Our mother is certifiable.”

Her eyes softened. “I’m glad you’re home. It’s so embarrassing to talk about her with any of my friends. When we Skype or talk on the phone, she’s usually hovering so I try and watch what I say.”

“You can call me whenever, Lila. And I’m sure Brittany and the twins would be fine if you came up to visit for a weekend. I could pick you up or you can take the train up.”

Her face lit up with excitement. “Are you serious? Can you take me to a frat party?”

“Yes, I’m serious; but no, I won’t take you to a frat party.” At Lila’s crestfallen expression, I said, “But we’ll find something fun to do.”

I had an hour with Lila, an hour with my real sister, who wasn’t eclipsed and diminished by the presence of my mother. But when we heard the front door open, we reverted to our shadowy existence, hoping to avoid the wrath of Charlotte Marlowe.

Lila shrank behind me while my mother made a spectacle of greeting me. “Kayla, my word! You look fantastic! I see you’ve been keeping up with your diet.”

I wouldn’t call what I was doing a diet, but I didn’t interrupt. The way I was keeping the weight off was my secret, my shame. “Thanks Mom,” I said meekly. I had to be suffering from some sort of mental disorder because I was briefly pleased by her compliments.

“I’m so glad you finally took my advice to heart. I hadn’t wanted to say anything, but you were getting rather plump. It wasn’t very attractive.” Her crimson-stained lips were pressed in a thin line as she appeared to conjure up a picture of my former self. My pleasure over her compliments vanished. I hated her—she was a monster. How could my kind and tenderhearted father ever have fallen in love with her?

Her bony hip bumped into mine. “Who knows? Maybe we’ll be the same size one day?” Her tone hinted it would be cause for celebration. If I could finally be a size two, she’d love me unconditionally.

She swayed on her heels as she walked into the kitchen. Studying her, I realized I did envy her grace and beauty. Her dark hair was luminous, and her emerald eyes effervescent. I understood the hours she spent on her appearance, but to outsiders, she was praised as a natural stunner.

While my mother stowed away the groceries, she called out, “Without all that extra weight, I’m sure you won’t be single for long.”

“I’m actually seeing someone,” I responded distractedly.

Did my mother have a point? Was Cameron only attracted to me because I lost weight? If I’d still been a size ten when we met would he have asked me out? Doubts were swarming like bees, stinging me with the harsh truth that I’d been single for years before I lost the weight. If I dared to gain any weight back, would Cameron’s eyes wander to someone new?

Lila, who had remained silent, perked up at the news I was dating someone. “Tell us about him.”

“I met him at the college, and he works for a credit card company. We’ve only gone on a few dates, but I really like him,” I confessed.

“What does he look like? Is he cute?” Lila asked eagerly.

“Very cute,” I insisted. “He has brown hair with streaks of blond and gorgeous blue eyes. He’s also so nice, he’s very considerate and he seems genuinely interested in what I have to say. He took me out to the nicest restaurant.”

Lila heaved out a lengthy sigh. “I can’t wait to go to college.”

“You sound a little too serious about him, Kayla. Men don’t want to be chased. Remember to stay aloof with him and let him do the chasing,” my mother advised.

Lila rolled her eyes behind my mom’s back and I suppressed a smile. My mom was the queen of unsolicited advice. Determined to ignore her negative energy, I instead resolved to make the most of my time with Lila.

Lila crawled into bed with me later that night. After she snuggled into my side, I began to run my fingers lovingly through her hair. Her voice was laced with unshed tears when she said, “Maybe I should lose weight. Mom was actually nice to you at dinner.”

“No, Lila, you don’t have to lose weight,” I hissed fervently.

I didn’t want this life for my little sister. I was a prisoner to food and there was no reprieve in sight. Despite my weight loss, I was still unhappy with how I looked. Earlier, it had been a struggle to eat my birthday dinner and cake. After Lila caught me cutting the chicken into small pieces and moving it around my plate listlessly, I felt compelled to eat everything on my plate. Under my sister’s watchful eyes, I couldn’t head to the bathroom to vomit up my dinner.

A battle was raging inside me. I wanted so badly to allow the food to stay in me. My mother had made chicken with steamed vegetables and angel food cake, and the calories were low enough that it wouldn’t undermine my diet. But I couldn’t. In a panic, I got up and snuck off to my room to take two of the laxative pills I had stashed in my purse.

When I got back into bed, I said, “Lila, I don’t think it matters how much we weigh. Mom is unhappy, and unfortunately we’re the only targets around for her aggression.” I believed it with my whole heart, but the damaged part of my brain still hoped she would love me again if I turned into the perfect daughter.

“Kayla, you seem sad. Shouldn’t you be okay now that you’re mostly free of her?”

The unspoken question was in her eyes. Would she be allowed to finally be happy once she escaped our house? “I’m not always sad,” I answered truthfully. “I like hanging out with Cameron and my roommates. It’s just sometimes I feel a little lost; like I’m in this dark place desperately trying to search for the way to the light.”

“Kayla, be happy,” she ordered. “Cameron sounds great, and you deserve someone who sees how amazing you are.”

“You deserve it too, Lila,” I whispered. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Chapter Twelve

“You look beautiful,” Cameron murmured in my ear. “Are you certain we shouldn’t just call it an early night and head back to your dorm?”

It had been two weeks since my visit home, and I’d been spending a few nights a week with Cameron. He’d taken me on several dates, with most of them ending at my dorm room for a hot make-out session. I still didn’t feel ready to sleep with him, in spite of Brittany’s insistence I could lose him if I didn’t start putting out. Cameron was sweet, he hadn’t pressured me, and it didn’t faze him when I declined his invitations to go back to his apartment after a date.

Cameron and his friends had joined Brittany, Kurt, and me at a local bar called Rosie’s. Like he’d been with the redhead, Taylor, Cameron had been friends with Alex and Chuck since high school. Alex and Chuck took an immediate shine to me and had me laughing while they shared the most embarrassing stories about Cameron possible. Taylor was distant, speaking only directly to the other boys, although I tried to make small talk with her. After it became clear I was an unwelcome presence, I left their group to stand with my friends on the other side of the bar.

I played the part of the laid-back girl. I wanted to be the cool girl, not the needy girlfriend who insists her boyfriend stay glued to her side. I forced myself to tell him, “Go hang out with your friends. We’ll always have later to be alone.”

After a quick kiss, Cameron was hauled away by Chuck to get another beer from the bar. Once he left, I tried to fight the fatigue that had plagued me all day. It was a battle to keep my eyes open.

After losing another six pounds, I was at my original goal weight of one hundred twenty pounds. This was around the weight I’d been when I started college and what I considered my ideal weight. My size-six clothing was loose, and I would certainly be able to fit in most size fours. But I didn’t feel the relief I expected as I stared at the numbers on the scale. I hadn’t lost enough—I still saw the fat bulging out of my hips and thighs. I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror most mornings, my reflection feeling like a horror to behold.

“What are you doing?” Brittany slid up next to me; I jumped in surprise at her harsh voice.

“Zoning out, I guess.” I took a hesitant sip of my drink.

“Well, while you were daydreaming, Taylor has been making a move on Cam.”

Brittany tilted her beer bottle toward Cameron and his friends across the bar. Although there was ample room in the bar area, Taylor had her generous breasts pushed up against Cameron’s left arm. While I spied on them for several minutes, she made every excuse to touch him and would tilt forward to show off her cleavage to the greatest advantage. But Cameron seemed unaware of her flirtation, and in his defense, he hadn’t snuck a pe ek at Taylor’s breasts.

“What am I supposed to do? They’re friends,” I said miserably. I didn’t exactly have the authority to stake my claim on Cameron. We’d only been dating for a couple of weeks, and no one had mentioned exclusivity. He hadn’t given me the impression he was seeing someone else, but I wouldn’t have minded the verbal reassurance from him.

“That girl doesn’t want to be friends,” Brittany asserted. “She wants to bang your man.” At my silence, Brittany nudged me hard. “Don’t just stand there, Kayla. Do something about it.”

I glared at Brittany. I didn’t have her self-assurance, and she knew that about me. I didn’t have the confidence to push Taylor out of the way and drape myself over Cameron. “Britt, leave it alone.”

Taylor’s giggle carried over to us and we returned to staring in her direction. She had wrapped her arm around Cameron and was leaning into him while her body shook with laughter. Brittany’s eyes practically bulged out. “I’m warning you, Kayla, if you don’t stand up for yourself, I will go over there and pour my drink down her shirt.”

With a huff, I said, “Fine.”

Moving across the bar, I stood awkwardly behind Cameron and Taylor while he told a story about one of his campus visits. Taylor said nothing about my arrival, although we locked eyes as I approached. Instead, she inched closer to Cameron and stared up at him with adoration clear on her features.

Annoyed, I gave her a dirty look before tapping Cameron on the shoulder. Spinning around, his arm snaked out and pulled me close. I felt smug when Taylor was forced to step aside. “Hi babe,” he said and brushed his lips against mine.