The Deeper We Get (12 page)

“I can't ever stop. Not until I ma
ke amends.”

“You can’t do that. Not anymore. I had really thought you had changed, really believed it.”

“You don't understand how it is. Once you’ve been in so deep with this stuff, you don't forget how it feels.”

“I can’t give you what you want Tom. You need help, professional help. I can't do that for you
,” I said sadly, seeing the broken man in front of me for the first time. I could see past the hate and the anger.

“I don't know what else to do. I’m so lost without your mom. I thought when I got out she would be waiting for me
and that you kids would be there.”

“I can understand thinking that
Mom would be there, but you had to know that Becca and I would want nothing to do with you.”

“I hoped.” He looked up at me sadly.

“Hope is a scary thing Tom. It makes you believe in things that will never happen. I had hope once, a long time ago. I had hoped that Mom would wake up one day and realize she loved me. I’m so tired of all of this.”

“
I’m so sorry, son.” He put his head in his hands and wept. “For all of it.”

“I believe that you’re sorry.” I scrubbed my hands over my face. I felt like we were always having the same conversation
, and it never got us anywhere.

“That’s not the same as accepting my apology.”

“No, it’s not.” I moved toward the door.

“You’re not going to help me?” He looked up, tear stains on his dirty cheeks.

“I can’t do it.”  I walked out of the apartment and out to my bike.

Scarlet was sitting cross-legged on my bed when I finally made it home. Her eyes were red and puffy, and I hated myself for being the cause of it. I didn’t know how she found out, but it was clear she knew.

“Can I explain?” I prayed that she would let me, but I knew I didn’t deserve it.

“Where have you been?” Her voice was soft.

“I had some things to take care of.”

“Still you lie?”

“No, not lying. I had to take care of something.”

“For your father.” It wasn’t a question.

“Can I explain?”

“I let myself fall in love with you Chad, it was so easy. You are worthy of it, or at least you were. I don’t even know who you are anymore, all of the lies and half-truths ruined it all. I don’t want to hear your explanations anymore.” She wiped at her eyes.

I could feel my heart fracturing, that moment just before it would break into pieces. I did this—she deserved better than me.

“Did you think I would begrudge you the relationship with him? I get it, more than you know. You wanted to believe he was different.” She sobbed and wrapped her arms around her body.

I wanted to take her in my arms, to tell her how sorry I was for all of it. But I knew it was past that point. I had told one too many lies.

“You broke us.
You pushed me away and now there’s no going back to how it was. All I wanted was honesty from you. You promised me this wouldn’t happen again, and I was stupid enough to believe it.”

“I’m sorry. If I could take it all back I would. I’d be upfront about all of it.”

She smiled sadly. “You’re not a bad guy, Chad, but even nice guys make mistakes.”

“How did you find out?”

“There was a note on your front door from him when I got here, saying he was sorry about the last time he came. I put the pieces together.”

“I need to go.”
Scarlet wiped at her eyes

“Wait, stay for a while. We need to talk about this.” I was frantic. If she left this would be real, and she would be gone for good.

“There’s nothing else to say.” She got off the bed and walked past me.

I grabbed her arm before she got too far.

“Don’t. Just don’t. Let me go, please let me go.” Tears slipped down her cheeks. I dropped my hand and watched as she walked out of my apartment.

She was never meant to be mine. Even from the beginning
.

Each day without her was
torture. It was as if my reason for existing was suddenly gone. Just getting out of bed was hard for me. I’d never in my life felt this way about someone and knowing that I had ruined it cut me deep.

I saw her at work,
and she wouldn’t even look at me. I couldn’t stand the distance, being treated like a stranger. Frank was on edge around both of us.

“Hey Chad, can you come into my office please?”
he called.

“Yeah.” I trudged back to him. This was where I got fired, I was sure of it.

“Look, things have been weird since you two broke up or whatever it was that happened. I can’t have this in the shop.”

“What are you wanting me to do about it?” I knew my tone was disrespectful
. Self-destruction was my motto these days.

“I think we need to alternate your shifts so you don’t work at the same time.”

“What does that mean?” I didn’t want to lose the one time I actually got to see her.

“It means she’ll be on mornings and you’ll be on nights until this all blows over.”

“Did you decide this or did she?” I sneered.

“I did. Lose the attitude about it
. This will be better for both of you, because you won’t have to see each other all the time.”

How would this be better for me? This was the one place I actually got to see her. Even if it was like a knife to the heart each time
I did.

“Fine. Whatever you want. Are we done here?”

He looked like he was going to say something else, but he waved me out instead.

Scarlet was sitting by the phone in the back of the shop when I walked out. She saw me and looked away quickly.

“Hey, you can look at me you know. I’m still a person. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge me,” I snarled at her.

“Stop it
,” she said in a shaky voice. “I can’t do this here.” She got up and walked outside. I should have gone back to work, but I followed her.

“No, I can’t stop it.”

She whirled around to face me. “This is killing me.” Tears stained her cheeks.

“Killing you? You’re the one who ended this not me.” I was angry and knew I was lashing out at her.

“Damn you, I can still be sad about it. Me breaking up with you was the best thing I could do for me, for my heart. I still love you, even though I can’t stand to look at you. Every time I see your face it hurts me a little bit more. I remember the lies, every time you told me a lie to my face without even blinking. If you want to be angry with someone about this then be angry with yourself. You are the cause of this, not me.” She sobbed uncontrollably. God, I wanted to hug her, to hold her and tell her I would make it all better.

“If you would have let me explain about all of it things could have been different.”

“Seriously? How could you explain yourself? Explain the lies? I was stupid enough to give you a second chance before, but I’ve learned from my mistakes. I let things go on for too long. I believed you when you said nothing was wrong.” She sniffled.

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, I’m glad you're sorry. At least I have that.” She wiped at her cheeks.

“What do you want from me? I’m saying I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it for me anymore I guess. It doesn’t mean anything when there’s no truth behind it.”

I had never heard her like this, so cold. I finally saw just what I had done to her, to us.

“I wish I could do everything over and make the right decisions.” I felt defeated, I had broken us, broken her.

“I do too. More than anything I wish you had just been honest with me. I can’t trust you again with my heart because I was right about you before. You did smash me to pieces.” She turned to walk away
, and I stopped her.

“Do you think you’ll always hate me?”

“I don’t know the answer to that. I only know what I feel right now and that is sadness.” She walked away again and this time I let her. She was right about all of it.

I went back to work and tried not to think about her. It didn’t work because I could still see her from my workbench. Maybe Frank was right, maybe we did need some time apart until
all this blew over.

Taryn picked her up at the end of our shift. She walked past my bench on her way to get Scarlet.

“Hey,” I said as she walked by.

“Hey.” She smiled sadly.

“You know I never meant to break her heart.” I didn't know why I wanted her to believe me, but I really did. Like if she was on my side then maybe Scarlet would come back to me.

“I know, but it happened anyway. I’ve never seen her like this Chad. It’s really bad.” She shook her head.

“It’s bad for me too.”

“You need to give her some time and space to deal with this. Don’t call her or try and talk to her here.”

“It’s a little late for that advice, but I hear you loud and clear. I think we both need space. I need to wrap my head around a lot of things.”

“I don’t think you’re a bad guy, just misguided sometimes.”

“I’m trying, I just keep failing.”

“Look, I have to go. I’ll see you around
okay?”

“Yeah
okay.” I smiled weakly and finished packing my bag up.

I watched as Scarlet and Taryn walked out the side door. Taryn had her arm around Scarlet
, and I hated myself for hurting her again. After the last time I swore I would never do it again. It didn’t stop me from lying to her and breaking my promises. She deserved better than me—better than what I could give her.

Maybe it was true what people always said about two people with messed up childhoods being bad for each other. I was barely good for myself these days, what could I offer her? I wanted her to be happy, to have love from someone who didn’t feel the need to lie or ruin things the way I did.

This wasn’t living. I hated
each morning, loathed the afternoons, and wanted to murder the nights. I stayed away from the gym, too afraid to box again. Losing control wasn’t what I wanted or needed at the moment.

Vin called a few times a week, wanting to make sure I hadn’t hung myself from the shower curtain. Little did he know I had contemplated it. I wouldn’t act on it ever again, not after the last time. I couldn’t do that to my family, they deserved better than me giving up.

I made an appointment with a therapist, because something for sure had to change. I didn’t think it would help me at all, but I was going anyway.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about the guy. He was nice enough and had that sort of fatherly feel to him. Time would tell I guess.

“Tell me why you came today Chad?”

“Do you want the long
version or the short one?”

“Whichever you feel like telling.” He set his pen down and watched me from across the room.

I told him everything, from my childhood to now. Everything with my dad and Scarlet—all the things that had happened.

“That’s a lot for someone your age to have dealt with.”

“I’m not so sure I did deal with it.”

“You have, in your own way. Did you want the therapy to work in the past? How many people have you seen about this?”

That was a stupid question, of course I had wanted it to work. Did he think I wanted to feel like this all the time? That I needed to hold onto the past? “I don’t know how many I’ve seen, too many to count. Nothing has ever worked. The dreams still come, and I’m not normal.”

“I want us to work on one thing at a time. First off I think we need to figure out your propensity toward violence. Where do you think that comes from?”

“I’m guessing it comes from my childhood.”

“You could be right on that. Do you feel like you deserved what happened to you?”

“What? Of course not.” I was almost certain I wouldn’t be coming back to this guy.

“A lot of abuse survivors feel responsible for what happened to them.”

“I don’t feel responsible for what happened to me.”

“Tell me about your relationship with your father.”

Talk about conversational whiplash. “What do you want to know about it?”

“Do you talk regularly?”

“More than I would like. It’s hard to be in a relationship with an addict.”

“Addiction is like a disease for some people.”

“Don't do that. Don’t make excuses for him. I’ve heard enough from him.”

“I’m not making any excuses for him, just stating a fact. Tell me how you felt when you saw him for the first time
.”

“I felt rage. I never imagined I would actually see him again.”

“Go on.”

“I wanted to hurt him. To make him feel the pain that I felt when I was younger. To make him understand the scars I still carry around with me.”

“Did he understand?”

“He said he did. I don’t think he ever will though. All he wants is for me to forgive him. How can he not know that’s an impossible thing? I will never forgive him for what he did, never. He can’t make it right, can’t bring her back.”

“No, he can’t bring her back. But do you want to walk around with this for the rest of your life?”

“I don’t know.” I honestly didn’t know the answer to that question. I wasn't anywhere near ready to forgive him.

“Think about that until the next time we meet.”

I was pretty sure there wouldn’t be a next time. He hadn’t said anything new, I’d heard it all before. I went back to my apartment more confused than ever. Of course Tom was waiting by my door. I was surprised because he didn't look as dirty as he
had the last time I saw him.

“I’m too tired for this today.” I walked past him and unlocked my door.

“Just listen.”

“I’d rather not
. I feel like all I do is listen to you, to your lies. I’m tired, and I can't take it anymore.”

“Stop fighting me on this then. It would be so much easier if we were on the same page.”

“That’s the thing Tom, I don’t want to make things easier for you. I want things to be hard, you don’t deserve for things to work out.”

He frowned. “I deserve happiness as much as the next person.”

“No, you really don’t. A person who has done what you have done doesn’t deserve to be happy. You deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life just like I am.”

“I don’t want you to hate me anymore
,” he said sadly.

“You get what you get Tom. It’s not possible for anything else. I’ve lost everything good in my life because of you.”

“This is why we need each other right now. You and your sister are all I have left.”

“Becca doesn’t need you.”

“I know she doesn’t, she has her man to take care of her, to love her. But you need me the way I need you.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Am I? Seems to me you’ve hit rock bottom same as me.”

“This isn’t anywhere near the bottom for me. You don’t know me well enough to make statements about my life.” I was getting angrier.

“I didn’t come here to fight.”

“Let me guess, you need money
,” I said in a flat voice.

“No, I wanted to talk, that’s all.”

“I don’t want to continue whatever this is. I’ve had a long day and an even longer week. Just go. I’d tell you to not come back but I know you won’t listen.”

“I’m not going to stop Chad. I can't stop until you’re back in my life. Why can't you see that I’ve changed, that I’m making an effort here?”

I laughed. “It would be easier to swallow all of that if you had stayed clean. Right now I don’t believe anything you say.”

“You can't possibly understand what addiction really is until you’ve lived it.” He shook his head.

“I don’t want to understand you. Why don't you get that? You've done too much shit, caused too much pain.”