The Deeper We Get (11 page)

“I don’t want to break you
,” I said sadly.

“I know you don’t, but it could still happen.”

“At some point you just have to trust.”

“It’s hard to trust when you’ve been burned before.”

I sighed. “I’m not going to apologize again Scarlet. I’ve said it, and said it, and said it. You either believe me, and we move on, or you don't, and we end this.”

“Is that an ultimatum?” She narrowed her eyes.

“No, yes, I don’t know. I do know that we can't keep this up. Or at least I can't. You seem to be okay with it. Maybe I pushed you too hard that night to make a decision, I don’t know. The ball is in your court, what do you want to do?”

“What do I want? I want you Chad, that’s what I want. I don't want to be afraid anymore, but my brain can’t catch up with my heart.”

“You have me. You’ve had me since that first night on the beach.” I got off the couch and took her in my arms. “Say you’re still willing to fight for us.” I searched her eyes, willing her to believe me.

“Make me forget all of it.” She brought her lips up to mine.

I pulled away. “I don’t want you to forget, I want to know that we can move past it.” As much as I wanted her, I didn’t want a sex Band-Aid for this. We needed a more permanent fix.

“I want to move past it. I don’t want to say goodbye to you yet.”

That was all I needed. My mouth crushed down on hers, and I pressed her back into the wall. For the first time in three weeks, she was actually present and involved.

“Tell me what you want
,” I panted in her ear.

“Bedroom please.” She wrapped her legs around my waist
, and I walked us back to my room.

She tore her t
-shirt off and threw it at me as soon as I laid her back on the bed. “I need you so bad baby.”

“I’m yours, anything you want is yours.” I descended on her, licking and sucking every inch of her until she was a live wire writhing under me. “Are you ready for me?”

“Yes,” she moaned.

I joined us together in one fluid motion, her molten core driving me insane. I had never felt this with any of the other girls I had slept with. Scarlet was fire, and I didn’t care about being burned alive.

While she was in the shower, I checked my phone. Two missed calls from an unknown number, a text from Vin asking to box later in the evening, and a text from a number I didn’t recognize.

I read it quickly.
Chad, it’s your dad. We need to meet up today sometime. I’ll call you again in an hour.

After getting him settled in his new place I hadn’t seen much of him in a couple of weeks. I hoped he was trying to get his life together by getting a job.

“Hey, are we hanging out tonight?” she called from the bathroom.

“I don’t know, Vin wants to get together so if you have plans that’s cool
,” I yelled back. I was anxious about my dad calling back. I hadn’t told her about helping him with his apartment. I didn’t want him to show up when she was here and say something about it before I told her.

Scarlet looked happier than she had in weeks when she emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” I questioned.

“For not giving up even when I was pushing you away.” She planted a kiss on my cheek.

“You are worth it. You’ll always be worth it to me.” I pulled her against me.

“Hey no more of that. I have work to get to.” She batted at my arm.

“Fine, fine. Call me tonight?”

“You got it.” She gave me a quick kiss and went on her way to work.

Instead of calling
, my dad decided to show up. Thankfully it was about fifteen minutes after Scarlet had left, but it was cutting it close.

When I opened the door to let him in
, he seemed off. “Tom, why didn’t you just call?” I didn’t want him making a habit of dropping in without calling. I needed boundaries.

His eyes darted around, looking anywhere but at me. “I just
…I need some money.”

“Money?” Apparently he hadn’t found a job yet.

“Yeah. It’s been hard trying to find a job.” He scratched at his arm absently, not looking me in the eyes.

“Is that all? There’s nothing else going on?” I studied him. Something wasn’t right.

“Yeah, that’s it. I just need money for food. I haven’t eaten in days.” He looked thinner, and there were bags under his eyes.

“Are you using?” I asked him point blank.

His head snapped up, and he looked like I’d punched him. “What? Why would you ask me that?”

“I’m going to take that as a yes.” I was pissed off. How stupid could I
be to really believe that he had changed.

“I couldn’t help it. I needed something to help me forget all of it for a while. All the pain from my memories is too much.”

“Get out.” I stalked to the door and held it open for him. “I’m done with you for good now. Don’t call me again. The apartment is yours until the end of the month, but I want you gone after that,” I spit out.

“Please don’t make me leave. I need you
,” he pleaded with me.

“You don't need me, you just need my money. I’ll never give you money for drugs. I was stupid enough to buy into your sob story about wanting to
get to know me and make things right. Never again Tom. You blew your one chance. Get the fuck out.” I shoved him out of my apartment.

“You don’t understand what it’s like. No one will hire me. I just wanted to feel something other than sad for a while.” He shook his head sadly.

“How many times have you used?”

“I don’t want to answer that.”

“Tell me.” I gripped the door frame.

“Every day since I last saw you
,” he whispered.

“You’ll never change. You’re the same piece of shit you always were. Get the hell out of here and don’t come back.” I kicked the door shut.

How had I been so stupid? Of course he didn’t love me, he only wanted me for my money. Pain I had thought was dead and buried bubbled up to the surface. If my own dad didn't love me, how long would it take Scarlet to realize she was better off without me?

“What’s up?” Vin plopped down
on the bench next to me.

“Not much.” I continued wrapping my hands.

“Kind of don’t believe you.”

“Just a lot on my mind. Everything with Scarlet and my dad.”

“What’s up with Scarlet?”

“Nothing now. We’re good again. I guess I’m just nervous that I’m going to screw it up again somehow.”

“So don’t let it happen. You know your mistakes from before, don't repeat them. She’s a good girl, and she wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her. Stop stressing about it and just enjoy yourself.”

“Well, that’s one of the problems solved. Now if you could just convince my dad to leave I would forever be in your debt.”

“What’s going on there?”

“He’s on drugs again. Even though he swore he was clean.” I sighed.

“That really sucks.”

“All of this was about money.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He came to my house a few days ago begging for money. I told him no and not to come back.”

“I wish I could help with this.”

“It’s cool man, just listening is good. Saying it out loud to someone other than myself.”

“Talking to yourself again?” I could tell he was trying to lighten the mood.

“Yep, you know it.”

“Get your ass in the ring so I can kick it.” He grinned and made his way up to it.

“Yeah, like you’re going to be the one winning. Keep dreaming.” I followed him up and we tapped gloves.

The bell rang and I danced around him, dodging every blow. “Is that all you’ve got bitch?” I taunted before hitting him with an uppercut. “Come on, let’s see this ass kicking you were talking about.” I laughed.

“Now you’re in for it.” He got me against the ropes and attacked my sides.

Something in me needed this, needed to feel the pain of violence. I sidestepped out from in front of him and charged for my attack. I launched at him, swinging with everything I had. I didn't even know how many he caught or dodged, I was lost to it.

Someone was screaming and arms were pulling me back.

“What the hell Chad?” Ian yelled as he knelt in front of my face.

I shook myself, trying to clear the black haze that had clouded my vision. “What happened?”

“What happened? You went mental on Vin.”

I tried to get up, to look for Vin. “Is he
okay?”

“Of course I’m
okay.” His voice was irritated. “Come on, let’s go get changed, and we can discuss what this was.”

I followed him back to the locker room,
and neither of us spoke a word as we got dressed. I felt sick to my stomach that I had lost control. I could already see bruises forming on his sides. We walked out the back door into the twilight air.

“Vin, I’m so sorry.”

“I know you are. That was insane, you know that right?”

“I know.”

“What the hell happened?”

“I have no idea, something just snapped. I didn’t even see you anymore.”

“That’s probably not good man.”

“No, it’s not
good at all. Are you okay?”

“Of course I am, it takes a whole hell of a lot more than that to keep me down.”

I shook my head. I felt like I was coming apart. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t let it happen again. I don’t want to be in the ring with you if you can’t control yourself.”

“I know. That has never happened before. Maybe I should take some time away and figure my shit out.”

“I didn’t say you needed that. You need something, I just don't know what that is.”

“My head is all messed up. I can’t figure any of this out. I was doing so well before he showed up. I feel like now all I do is screw up. I can’t seem to win.”

“He only can do what you let him
,” he reminded me gently.

“Don’t you think I know that? I’m fucked up,
and I keep letting him do this shit to me. What the hell kind of person does this? If it’s not screwing things up with Scarlet, I’m going postal on you in the ring. I’m a menace.”

“You just have issues, we all do. Yours are just a bit more extreme. Maybe you should talk to someone.”

“I can’t tell you how many people I have ‘talked’ to about this. It never helps. I’m supposed to surrender it or something. As if it were that easy. I’ve dealt with this my whole life, so I doubt it’s going to change at this point.” I paced in front of my bike.

“I don’t know what to say. I’ve never had experience with anything like this.”

“I know you haven’t. Most people haven’t. Scarlet gets it, but then she has her own demons. Tonight is a perfect example of why I should never let her watch me box. Can you imagine if she would have seen this?” I shuddered.

“It was a one-time thing right? It’s not going to happen again. Your problem is that you’re too hard on yourself all the time.”

Maybe he was right, maybe I needed to give myself permission to not be perfect all the time. I didn't even know where that notion came from. Becca never expected it from me, neither had the Kleins.

“I don’t know. Look, I’ll see you later
okay?”

He studied me for a moment
. “Yeah, okay. You better call me. I don’t want you going missing again for days and days.”

“I will, I promise. I just need to sort out my head you know?”

“I do. Just be safe okay?”

I nodded and hopped on my bike. I had no direction, I just drove. I needed to be alone
; where no one could find me, where no one expected anything from me.

I thought back to when my dad had first come back, and all the anger I had felt toward him. The anger was still there
—the hatred burned in me. I was stupid to ever have trusted him. He wasn't any good, and maybe I wasn't either. I needed violence, I craved it. I had thought boxing was a safe place for it, but I was wrong. I couldn’t go back to the gym anymore. I had no idea if this would happen again, but I couldn’t put anyone at risk.

I finally drove home, mentally exhausted, just wanting to sleep.

“You have to stop coming here.” I sighed as I walked past Tom. He was sitting on my stairs. He looked gross, like he hadn’t showered in days. His hair was stringy and greasy.

“I need your help son.”

“What’s new? I’m not helping you. I’ll never give you money for drugs. It’s your own fault you got hooked again.”

“I don’t want money for drugs. I need to eat, please you have to have something inside you can give me to eat.”

I looked at him, and he really did look hungry. I didn’t want to help him, but I also couldn't turn him away. “Wait outside.” I stomped up the stairs and into my apartment.

“Jeez, what’s up with you?” Scarlet’s startled expression surprised me. I hadn’t been expecting her over until later.

“How long have you been here?” My tone was gruff.

“Not long. Is it
okay that I’m here?” she asked cautiously.

“Of course it is.”

“Okay good. You seem like you’re in a mood.” She took a hesitant step toward me.

“Sorry, give me a few
okay? I have to take the trash out and get the mail.”

“Need help?”

“No, I’m good. You go on back to whatever you were doing.” I forced a smile. Why was I not telling her about my dad? There was no reason not to other than not telling her about the past few times I saw him.

“Ok
ay, I’ll be in your room reading.” She smiled uneasily.

“See you in a few.” I started digging under the counter for the trash can. I quickly got the bag out and then grabbed some leftovers from the fridge and a loaf of bread. This would have to do. I made my way back to Tom who hadn’t moved from his spot on the stairs.

“This is all I have. Now go and don't come back here without calling me first.”

“Thank you son.” He moved in to hug me but I shoved him back.

“Stop. You need to leave now.” I walked past him to where the mailboxes were so I wouldn’t be a complete liar.

“I’ll be in touch soon.” He walked out to his beat up Honda.

“Don’t be. I’m done with you. I don’t want to help you anymore, this is getting out of hand for me. I can’t be constantly worried that you are going to show up out of the blue somewhere. This all has to stop. Just go back to Washington and leave me in peace.”

“I can't do that.”

“Why the heck not?” I demanded.

“Because you haven’t forgiven me yet.”

I coughed out a laugh. “And you assumed getting high on meth would help your cause?”

“No, I already explained that. I just needed it to forget for a while.” His voice was strained, as though it hurt to say each word.

“Whatever. Get out of here and leave me alone.” I walked away and back up the stairs, trying to control my emotions before I got back inside to Scarlet.

“Hey.” I plopped on the bed next to her.

“Okay, so really, what the heck is your problem?” She studied me.

“Nothing, just stressed out about a test I have next week.” When did I get so good at lying?

“Is that all? Nothing else you want to say to me?”

“No, why?” My heart pounded.

“Just asking. You've been a bit off for a couple of days, and I’m worried.”

“I promise I’m
okay.” I leaned in and kissed her.

How could I tell her the truth now? I just got her back, there was no way I was going to lose her again.

The next week was hell
. Tom showed up more than he didn’t. It was getting harder and harder to lead two lives. I felt like I was two people—the man Scarlet needed me to be, and the son who was trapped. I didn’t know how to fix it.

I was meeting Tom at his apartment
. I couldn’t risk Scarlet seeing him at my place.

“What is it that was so urgent?” I demanded as I walked through his door. The place was disgusting, beer cans
strewn everywhere as well as old food rotting on plates all over the place. It smelled of old food and body odor.

“This place is gross
. How can you live this way?”

He shrugged
. “I need money for rent this month. I can’t find a job that won't make me take a pee test. We both know I would test dirty.”

“No.”

“Why not?” he whined.

“I’m not helping you anymore.”

“Just this last time. Please.”

“I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Does it matter?”

“It does. Please Chad, I really need this.”

I sighed. “When is your rent due?” I knew he was manipulating me, but I couldn't seem to stop myself from falling for it.

“Tomorrow. Well, really today, but they gave me until tomorrow to pay it.”

“Let me see what I can do. I can go and talk to the manager after I leave.”

“No, no, don't do that. I already have it all sorted out.”

Something didn’t smell right about all of this. “Why don't you want me to talk to the manager? They already know me, I was the one who rented the apartment.”

“Just, just don’t. It’s handled.” His eyes darted from me to the table in front of us. There was a glass pipe and some wadded up saran wrap on it.

“This is all a lie isn’t it? You don’t need the money for rent. You need it for drugs.”

“No, no, it’s not a lie.”

“I don’t believe you.”

He put his head in his hands and made a strangled sound. “Please, please.”

“Please what? Is this all I am to you? An
ATM? The source of your next fix?”

“No, that’s not what you are to me. You’re my son, and I love you. I want to make this all better.”

I got up and walked around the dingy apartment. How had this become my life? “We have to stop this.” I was so tired of all of it.