The Dead List (24 page)

“No.” His lips pressed against my cheek. “But I just want to clarify that. And you know what else I want?”

By the way his body was pressed against mine, I had a pretty good idea of what he wanted. The same thing Gavin had wanted from me, but I hadn’t been ready to give.

“Ask me,” he said.

My breath shuddered. “What?”

“I want to be that guy—the one that when your phone rings you hope it’s me. The one who holds your hand in the hallway and at lunch, and the guy who gets to hold
you
. I want to be the one who gets to touch you,” he whispered against my cheek. “I want to be
yours
.”

There was a swift swelling in my chest, and if he wasn’t holding onto me, I knew I’d float right up to the ceiling. His words… they were beautiful. Possibly the most poignant words a guy had ever spoken to me considering most were like hey, nice butt. I doubted that Dr. Oliver had meant all of this when he talked about Jensen and I reconnecting, but I’d be a liar if I said that I didn’t want this, that I didn’t want to take those words and hold them close to my heart.

But I had wanted it before—before I really understood any of what I was feeling—and he had hurt me. “Jensen, I…”

“Don’t tell me what you’re thinking yet.”

My eyes searched his. “When do you want me to tell you?”

“In a minute.”

An eyebrow rose. “In a—?”

Jensen’s mouth was on mine before I could finish the thought. It was a whisper of lips, a brushing of his against mine, as if he were mapping out the feel, testing my response. When I didn’t turn away, he swept his lips across mine once more, and this time he kissed me.

He
really
kissed me, and I was swimming in raw emotions, swept away in a tide made of him and me and everything in our past and everything that could be our future. I kissed him back, following his lead, and his hands slid to my waist, and there was no space between our bodies.

Holding me against him, he exhaled a soft moan, and his lips seared mine. He kissed me until we both were breathless, until my fingers wrapped around the soft hair at the nape of his neck.

Jensen pulled back, resting his forehead against mine. His chest rose and fell in rapid, shallow breaths. “Now,” his voice was deep, gruff. “Tell me what you’re thinking now.”

My brain cells had been blown. “I can’t think.”

I felt his cheek rise in a half smile as he reached up, turning off my bedroom light. Then he went for my hand. Taking it in his, he pulled me away from the door, to the bed. Down we went, our legs and arms tangled together, and my heart pounding so fast. We lay facing each other, his breath warm against the top of my head, his heart drumming solidly under my hands.

“Can you think now?” he asked.

My brain was slow to come back online. The pleasant haze his kisses left behind clouded my thoughts. How close we were didn’t help either. My lashes lifted and my eyes met his. He was watching me as if I was something valuable in his life, to be cherished, and it was how he’d always looked at me in the past.

In that moment, the past intruded like an old friend you no longer had anything in common with. As I stared into the pale blue eyes, I suddenly wasn’t sure about any of this, because there was so much between us.

Jensen seemed to sense the shift in me. “You
are
thinking.”

“I am.” It was hard to say the next words, because for so long I’d done nothing but run and hide from the past and from all the hurt. I couldn’t anymore. “There’s a lot… between us, Jensen.” My voice was low as I spoke. “And you say you want me, but you hurt me before. You… embarrassed me. I know it was a long time ago, but it’s hard to let go of that.”

He held my gaze for a moment and then rolled onto his back. Staring up at the ceiling, he cursed under his breath, the sound so self- deprecating. “You’re thinking about that night.”

The night. The stupid dance.

I didn’t like to think about it, because after everything with Penn, after all the years Jensen and I had known each other, he had made an absolute fool out of me before moving away.

“Yeah,” I murmured, watching his profile. “I just don’t understand. We were really just kids, but why… why did you do it?”

Jensen didn’t answer and in the silence, my mind whirled back several years, when he invited me to the stupid Valentine’s Day dance that it meant he liked me, too. Granted we were, like thirteen, but the dance had been a big deal. He had asked me at lunch, in front of Brock, Mason, the girls, and Gavin.

Even in front of the lunch lady with the frizzy hair.

I had my mom buy me this ridiculous pink dress, and I had gotten my hair done, and then the night of the dance, Dad had dropped me off and Jensen… well, he never showed up. Everyone thought it was a prank. Gavin thought he’d done to me what we had done to Penn a year earlier, trading me in for something better. And Jensen had never told me why. Of course, I hadn’t given him much of a chance. When he came to my house the next day, I wouldn’t let him inside, and that was when I told him I never wanted to speak to him again.

“Why would you pull that kind of prank on me?” I whispered.

“A prank?” His turned his head toward mine sharply, eyes narrowly. “You really believe that I’d do that to you? That asking you out was just a prank?”

“What was I supposed to think?”

“I never got that chance to tell you why I didn’t show up that night.” Shaking his head, his gaze returned to the ceiling. “And I’m not saying that’s your fault. I should’ve told you way before then, then you would’ve understood.”

I frowned. “I don’t understand.”

His chest rose with a deep breath. “Oh God, you see… there’s something about me—about my family you never knew. Hell, no one really knew. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell you, but my parents… it was our dirty little secret.”

“Okay. I’m really kind of confused. Dirty secret? What are you talking about?”

He opened his mouth and it was like he had to get his tongue around the words. “Jonathan—he was…”

Whoa. I wasn’t expecting anything he had to say had to do with his brother.”

Jensen shifted back onto his side, facing me. “Jon… he had issues, Ella. Not a lot of people knew. Only us and a few of his friends.” His lashes lowered. “Brock did, because his brother was close to Jon, but Mom and Dad were horrified.”

“Horrified about what?” I asked.

He raised his hands, smoothing his palms down his face. “Jon had a huge drug problem.”

I blinked once and then twice. “What?”

“Heroin,” he spat the word out. “Started his sophomore year of high school. For a while he was able to function with it. We had no idea. None at all. Not until he started getting strung out, stealing from them—from me. Once he took my birthday money our grandma gave me. Then it was obvious. They sent him to rehab, got him clean, and everyone thought he… you know, escaped its clutches. He went to college, but he was using again.”

Holy crap, I had no idea.

His lips turned down at the corners. “Our parents were so embarrassed by it. Like they did something wrong raising him and that’s why he used. For the longest time, I didn’t understand it. Why? He didn’t have a shitty life. He wasn’t suffering from anything. He just tried once and I guessed he was forever chasing that high. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. The night that he died in his sleep? He’d overdosed.”

“Oh, my God,” I whispered. “I’m so—”

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” he told me. “Heroin did that to him.” There was a pause. “You know, I think people would be amaze by how many families are hiding secrets like that.”

“Probably a lot.” I had no idea what to say. This was something I never knew and as many times as I had seen Jonathan, I would’ve never guessed.

“I was looking forward to going to that dance,” he said quietly, as if he was talking to himself. “I liked you then, you know? More than a friend. Had for a while and well, I wish I had told you that. I wish I told you about Jon, but I didn’t know what to say about him. Everyone looked up to him, even me. I thought eventually his… his problems would just go away.”

A picture of a past I never knew existed started to form in my head. “Something happened that night.”

“Yeah.” His throat worked. “Jon had come home that afternoon, all screwed up. He ended up getting in a fight with Dad because he’d taken money out of Mom’s purse again. The fight was really bad and Mom… man, she was nearly hysterical. Things got out of hand. The police was called and before I knew it, the dance had already started.”

Geez. I was floored. All this time I’d believed Jensen had pulled a nasty prank or me or had forgotten or a number of other lame things, but I never had guessed this. Never had any reason to.

“I wanted to tell you.” He looked at me again. “But…”

“But I didn’t give you a chance.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “When you showed up that weekend, I told you to leave me alone. And then you moved later that month. God, Jensen, I’m so sorry. About all of it.”

“You don’t have anything to apologize for.” The tips of his fingers touched my cheek gingerly. “I could’ve told you what was going on before that night. I could’ve come back later on, but I didn’t. None of that matters now.”

But it did.

“So that’s why I didn’t show up at that dance and that’s why my parents moved. They wanted to get away. Anyway, like I said, I wished I’d done so many things differently, but I can’t go back in time. All I have is today and tomorrow, and I want a future,” he said, closing his eyes. “I want a future with you.”

Something tugged at my chest, and God, I wanted that future too. I did want Jensen. I’d always wanted him and had missed him so badly during those years, but to have him, I had to let go of the past.

Was I willing to do that?

Sitting up halfway, I stared down at him. Jensen had opened his eyes and was watching me warily now, with a bit of resignation churning in those beautiful eyes, flickering across his face. I knew in that moment he expected me to tell him no or that I wasn’t ready. Some variation of that. And I knew he’d still stay with me, he’d still be there for me, and an even deeper part of me realized that he wouldn’t give up.

He’d wait.

But I didn’t want to wait.

I didn’t want to live in a past full of hurt and pain, guilt and misunderstandings anymore. I wanted today and tomorrow, especially when there was such a powerful reminder that not everyone had tomorrow. I wanted a fresh start and I wanted that with him.

“I want that too,” I said, and my heart thumped in my chest. “I want to be with you.”

For a long moment, Jensen didn’t move, and I wasn’t sure he even breathed. Then he slipped two fingers under my chin, tilting my head down. “For real?”

“For real,” I whispered.

“Thank you.” Jensen’s arms tightened around me, snuggling me close to him, and that’s how we stayed.

#

Like the morning before, I woke a little too early to get ready, but surprisingly well rested and toasty.

Really toasty.

I’d fallen asleep in Jensen’s arms, my head tucked under his chin, my leg cradled between his. My heart did a little jump in my chest. Our conversation from last night was replaying itself. As was that kiss we shared.

Jensen had thanked me for being with him, for giving him a chance, and I was kind of blown away by that.

It took me a few moments to realize that Jensen wasn’t asleep. At some point, his fingers were moving up and down the curve of my spine. My hands were still folded against his chest and I could feel his heart kick up, matching mine.

“Morning,” I murmured.

“Mmm…” That seemed to be all he was capable of saying, but he was definitely awake enough to move. One hand trailed up my side, skipping to my bare arm, and then the tips of his fingers found their way to my jaw. He tilted my head back, and my gaze met his sleepy, heavily hooded one. “Morning.”

Before I could say anything else, Jensen lowered his head and kissed me. There was a flutter of panic. I hadn’t washed my face or brushed my teeth, and I knew I looked like a hot mess, but the infinite tenderness of his kiss swept away those concerns. The kiss was slow and sweet, an exploration, and I was lost in him.

When he finally lifted his mouth from mine, I had pressed the length of my body against his, and he was half on his back. He slid his hands down my back and then lower, eliciting a gasp from me.

“I need to get out of this bed or…”

My heart tripped up as I stared down at him. “Or what?”

He kicked his head back, his hair wonderfully messy. “Or we’re going to switch positions, end up really late for school, and most likely busted by your mother in a very awkward way.” He stretched up, kissing my parted lips. “Oh, and we’d probably be naked, so…”

A heady flush traveled all over me. Being busted by my mom in that kind of situation was mortifying, but I didn’t move. I touched his cheek, running my fingers over the slight stubble.

“Not probably.” His lips curled up in a lazy smile. “We’d most definitely be naked.”

I bit down on my lip. My stomach hollowed at the thought of their being nothing between us.

My voice was low, barely a whisper when I spoke. “I’ve never done it before.”

“What?” One hand traveled up my back. He gently tugged on my hair. “Get naked.”

Gavin and I had been together for a while, and we’d experimented. That involved getting naked, but…. “No. Not
that
.”

An eyebrow rose, and then his lazy smile vanished as his eyes widened slightly. The look was almost comical. “Wait. You and Gavin never…?”

I shook my head.

“Not even one time?”

“Nope,” I said, and he looked so floored one would think I’d admitted to being the Easter Bunny. “Is it really that hard to believe?”

“Hells yeah,” he murmured, splaying his hand across my cheek. “How in the hell did he manage to keep his hands off you?”

I shot him a bland look.

“Sorry. I just thought…”

“Going that far… well, it never seemed right.” I shrugged. “Not once. Not like…”

“Not like what?” Jensen swallowed. Hard. “You and me?”

“Yeah.”