The Day Of The Wave (33 page)

God, I miss her.

A girl walks in behind me, stops and starts checking her phone. She moves to the front to check the specials board and I have to do a double take. I recognize the tattoo on the back of her leg; the looking glass with the rabbit inside it. When she turns her head I notice the red, cropped hair swaying about her chin, the faint outline of the playing cards on her shoulder through her thin black shirt. They have faces on them. It's Amy. 

She sees me staring suddenly. Shit. 

'Do I know you?' she asks, walking up to me on four-inch heels. I think I detect a little flirtation in her voice.

'No,' I say. I realize I probably seem weird. 'But I do know you, I think. You're Izzy's friend.'

She laughs in surprise. 'Right! So, we've never met?'

'No, I'm Ben.'

Her eyes widen. I'm guessing she's heard of me. 'Wow,' she says, chewing on her red bottom lip for a moment, running her eyes over my body. 'I thought you were in Thailand.'

'I was, I'm here for a visit with my family.' I pause. 'This place came highly recommended.' 

'Amazing hot cross buns,' she grins now, still looking me up and down. The question's burning the tip of my tongue already. If I don't ask her, I'll regret it. I'll walk away and regret it, I know I will. 

'How's Izzy?' I say, awkwardly.

Amy shrugs. 'Not spoken to her in a while - you know how she likes to switch off.'

I nod even more awkwardly. 'I guess she's busy planning a wedding.'

'A wedding? To Colin?' Amy laughs now, shifts her purse on her shoulder and rolls her eyes. 'God, no, she dumped that cheating wanker. Can you believe he was sleeping with her ex flat mate? So cliché. I can't believe she didn't tell me.' 

My heart leaps into my throat. 'He cheated on her?' I say, making the women in front of us turn around. 'When?' 

'Months ago, apparently. Before she even went to Thailand.' Amy's eyes widen at me, then narrow. 'You didn't know?'

'She didn't tell me either,' I say through clenched teeth. Holy shit. 

'She'd never admit it but he had her wrapped around his sleazy little finger. She probably thought she couldn't do any better, even when she found out. They'd only been living together for three months, had the whole place sorted - furniture, cat, Jamie Oliver Tefal saucepans.' Amy rolls her eyes again. 'I would've thought she'd tell you that, seeing as how you spent so much time together. When was the last time you spoke? You really should try to...'

'Is she at the office?' I interrupt. 'Can you take me there?' 

Amy's shaking her head now. She puts a hand to my arm. 'Ben, she left the magazine. She went to Bali.'

'
Bali
? When? On her own?'

'Next!' the lady behind the counter calls. I step forward, order my buns. Adrenaline makes me clumsy as I fumble for my wallet.

'Yes, about three weeks ago,' Amy continues. 'Said she was going to teach English at a school and work on her book.'

'How long for?'

'I don't know. She quit her job, she moved out of her godmother's... I don't know! I can't believe this. I can't believe you thought she'd marry him! I thought you were just avoiding her because you were an arsehole.'

'I am,' I tell her now. 'But I don't want to be, trust me.' I grab my phone from my pocket. My heart's about to explode out of my chest. 'Please,' I say, 'Amy, tell me your email address.' 

She reads it out. I type her the word hi, send it to her. 'Don't tell her we met,' I say, swapping two pound coins for my buns and heading for the door. 'But when you reply to that email, tell me where she's staying.'

The sun is setting by the time I make it back to Gili Air and make my way along the dirt track on my bicycle. I taught a class on Trawangan, the next island over for two hours, then spent the rest of the day working on my book as usual, so my laptop is heavy in my bag and I'm hungry. Sometimes now I don't even realize the time. I'm so engrossed in it I forget to eat. 

I've written it all down, from the moment I met Ben, to when the wave hit, to searching the hospitals, to going home and living through the loss of my parents. I've written about joining all the help groups and finding my way back home, at first to who I thought was me, and then to who I really became once I discovered I was stronger than I ever thought. 

I changed people's names, of course. I changed Colin's name, and Ben's, but they're in it. It wouldn't be my story without them.

Someone told me once that if you want to know where your heart is, you should look at where your mind goes when it wanders. When I look up from the screen to the ocean and the beach, it's Ben I see first; the creases at the corners of his smile, the pain creeping in through the cracks when he talks about his brother. I can still see him standing there in Khao Lak, breaking like the waves. 

It breaks my heart.

I want to reach out, of course I do, but he needs to see for himself that what he's doing isn't right. Running away doesn't help you heal; it only makes the isolation drive you crazy. I keep hoping he'll miss me, and us; the way I know we could be if he lets me in.

I sigh, look across the water as I pass the pizza restaurant and the small resorts and guesthouses, all with their own restaurants on the beach. The blue of the ocean has switched to a rolling amber sheet in the low light and the clouds are like fuzzy pink sheep sitting obstinately on the hills of Lombok in the distance. It's so pretty here.

'Coconut for you!' my friend Ketut calls out as I pass. He's holding up a giant green one at his stall.

'I'll come back tomorrow!' I call back behind me and he grins his toothless grin and waves from under his palm tree.

I chose a basic hut at the far end of the small island, where it's quiet and the tide retracts to reveal rocks so sharp you can't even swim. I like it best this way. I feel like I've made some sort of agreement with my surroundings. I'll write my book and teach the local kids their colors, and the three little islands in the chain - being surrounded at all sides by Bali, Sumatra and Lombok - will protect me from tsunamis. I had to write this by the ocean, I think. I had to look at it to keep on forgiving, to describe the way it still makes me feel. I have to take a boat most days. 

I park up my bike and make my way through the sand to my hut. The humidity is hanging in the air with the tangerine light and for a second I think I'm imagining it when I see someone sitting on my wooden porch. 

What the...

He stands up when he sees me. I almost drop my bag as he runs down the stairs towards me. He's wearing his black board shorts, the black shirt that shows off his ridiculous muscles, and a look of total relief. 

Oh my God.

'I was starting to think you weren't coming back,' he says, stopping just in front of me. The sunlight falls on his face, across his clean-shaven jaw, through his curls as he scrapes them back.

'How did you...'

'Amy told me.' He puts his hands to my shoulders. 'She told me about Colin, I can't believe you didn't tell me he cheated on you, Izzy! Why didn't you tell me?'

'What?' I'm blinking, like at any second this mirage will disappear again. 

He leans in closer. 'Izzy, I didn't mean to make you think for one second that you don't deserve any better.' He looks so anxious, so desperate for me to believe him. 'You're amazing, you have to know that. I mean, I had to tell you, God, baby I fucked up...' 

'It's OK,' I stammer, pulling away, walking past him to my hut. I climb the stairs, unlock my door with fumbling hands. I feel like my legs are about to give way. 

'It's not OK, I was a total asshole,' he says, following me inside. 'You were right, I was pushing you away like I push everyone away and I pushed you to
him!
You're better than that, Izzy, don't ever settle.'

'I didn't!' I say, dumping my bag on my bed and folding my arms across myself. 'I'm here, aren't I?'

'I mean with anyone else.'

'I don't want anyone else.' As I say it, I can feel and hear my voice breaking. I turn to him again as the disbelief turns to relief and then tears. 'I just want you. You know that. When did you get here?' 

He walks up to me across the plain tiled floor and I uncross my arms, letting him take my hands in front of the cheap, stand-up fan. I'm crying now and still shaking. He's here. Ben's really here. 'You came all this way?'

'It's really far,' he blurts, laughing now, kissing my forehead, then my nose. 'I had to come. I didn't want to hurt you, but I hurt you anyway, Izzy, I'm so sorry.'

'Ben, please. We hurt each other.' I reach my arms up around his neck impulsively and he pulls me in close. 

'Maybe, look, I know I don't deserve it,' he says into my hair, 'but I want to carry on falling in love with you, British Izzy.' 

Wow.

I can't even speak. My hands reach out on their own. I draw him backwards and onto the bed with me and as our limbs entwine on the mattress it's almost as though someone else, some
thing
else has taken over my body. 'Will you let me?' he asks. 'Will you let me love you?'

'I'll think about it,' I respond between kisses and he groans against my mouth, arching over me. His hair tickles my face. 

'I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, not after what I did.'

I spread my fingers across his cheeks, trail them down his arms, over his tattoo. I love him so much already. 'We've been through worse than a stupid argument, Ben.'

He falls to my side now, pulls me close, puts his hand to my face, making me look at him. 'Izzy, I talked to my mom, I went to London.'

'Really?' His eyes are so bright, boring into me. I've missed touching him so much. I've missed every little bit of him. Reality is really sinking in now, bit by bit. He came back to me. 

'She said she never blamed me, that it was all in my head,' he tells me, taking my hand and kissing my fingers. I get a sudden flashback to the night I got drunk; when he looked after me. 'She said I created the distance on purpose because I blamed myself. Izzy, she was reaching out to me this whole time but it was my guilt stopping me responding, and we just built a wall, I guess... a massive fucking wall, the both of us. I don't want to do that with you.'

'OK.' It's all I can say because my words are all choked up in each other now. I'm way too hot to be in clothes. I start lifting my dress over my head and Ben helps me, taking his shirt off, too. He crashes his lips to mine and kisses me again and my hands run along his chest, his arms, the waist of his shorts. I'm just as desperate to feel his skin on mine. All of it. I want to go back to where we were before it all went wrong and I can feel he does, too; in the rock solid weight of him pressing against me. 

We don't say another word, but Ben makes very sure I don't need to as he pulls off the rest of his clothes, then the rest of mine and makes love to me. We reach that place again within minutes; the place where it's just our souls spilling into each other's, regardless of what we're physically doing. It's home.

'I've missed you so much,' he whispers into my neck, tracing two fingers over my nipple, making me suck in a breath. 

'I've missed you too. I thought you didn't have exes.'

'Well, then you'll have to be my girlfriend.' He smiles right into my eyes, kisses my nose as I throw him a look of surprise. His breath is hot and heavy for me and I wrap my legs around him, pulling him even closer. 

Home.

By the time we're both exhausted and breathless, the sun has set completely and it's pitch black outside. My head is still whirling but my stomach is growling. Ben grins, trailing a finger around my belly button.

'I like you in Bali,' he tells me, sweeping my damp hair back from my face.

'Technically we're in Lombok,' I correct him, climbing off the bed now, pulling him with me. I notice the Body Shop bath salts all out of alignment on the stand. We must have knocked them. I stop myself reaching for them by clenching my hands around his shoulders, but he does it for me anyway, lining them up perfectly; the pink jar, the purple jar, the baby blue jar. 

I don't know how I thought I could get over Ben. I never want to have to even try to do that again.

'Let's get some food. How long are you staying?' The question comes out of my mouth before I've really prepared for the answer. I pull him into the shower and we soap each other up under the cold water, stopping to kiss again till we have no choice but to head back to the bed and pick up where we left off. In a haze of hands of limbs and lips crashing it hits me how I didn't just squirt the shower gel three times. I don't think I squirted it at all. I let Ben do it.

'In answer to your previous questions,' he says, nudging my shoulder as he finally pulls on his shorts and flattens down his crazy hair. 'I have nowhere in particular to be. I think I could get to like it here. They have diving.'

'Yes they do. It doesn't rain here for a while, either.'

He smiles. 'I kind of like the rain. It reminds me of you.'

Ben holds my hand as we walk down the pathway towards the beach. We take our seats on the floor cushions in front of a low table and he studies me in the candlelight. We're the only ones here. The moon is almost full and a thousand stars are literally twinkling overhead, lighting up the flat, black blanket of ocean right ahead. I can just make out the shadows of the hills on the mainland and some of Gili Trawangan, the party island. Its lights always flicker there long after the ones on Gili Air go out.

'So, you've been writing?' he says, taking the menus we're handed by the waiter.

I lean back on the cushions, stretch out my bare legs and feet, rest my head against him. 'I have an agent,' I say on an exhale. I'm so blissed out.

Ben drops his menu on the table, eyes wide and impressed. 'Seriously? Already?'

'She's helping me, she thinks she can get me a book deal. I write every day over on the next island. I made friends with an Irish waitress called Pip. She knows how I like my coffee... which as you know is in copious amounts.'

Ben nuzzles my shoulder with his nose and kisses my arm, up my scars to my neck, then my cheek, then my mouth again. He sends tingles to every inch of me. 'I'm so proud of you, Izzy. I want to see this place, and Pip. I want to read your book. Does it have a happy ending?'