The Day Of The Wave (28 page)

I can feel her tears on my cheeks as she kisses me, sits up and straddles me under the fan, pulling me up to her. 'There was a baby,' I say as its gray, frozen face flies back my brain. 'I lost Toby...'

'I know, Ben, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...'

'He's not coming back. I stay here like a fucking idiot, Izzy, thinking he's gonna walk out of that ocean...'

'I know, Ben. It's OK.'

I don't even know how it starts. I didn't want to do this yet - maybe not ever - not with Izzy, amazing Izzy, who can never help me the way she thinks she can, the way they all want to try, but she's hoisting off my shirt, pulling her dress over her head, kissing me, kissing me, kissing away my memories as best she can, and I'm taking a condom out of the drawer, lying her down, letting her love me, needing to love her back. 

'You have to always let me in, Ben,' she says now, pressing her palms to my face, searching my eyes as her hair drapes around us like another curtain. 'I'm so sorry we never found each other after that. I wish I could've been there for you.'

She's kissing me, kissing me, kissing me, and it's physical, her hands in my hair, her lips crashing down before slowing and savoring our insane connection; her thighs against my middle, squeezing and releasing like an hourglass that's been storing up all this time. But it's more for just a second that stuns me. It's pure and it's raw, whatever it is. It's stretching, growing, bouncing around and boomeranging back through me. 

All I can do is kiss Izzy, press inside her, bring her with me as the rain outside starts pounding on the wooden decking and the wet, broken roof of the jungle. There are tears still in my eyes when I blink. Her finger traces my top lip, then along my jaw as she kisses me so delicately I ache for her when I'm already inside her. I flip her under me and move faster, faster,
faster
till she gasps. We're both still crying as we move together, through the pain, through the past, into now. She was right before. Now is all there is because I have nothing else. I made damn sure of that.

'This feels so good,' she breathes suddenly, clamping her legs around me, reaching her hot, clammy hands to my chest. 

'Really?' 

'Yes, Ben. Why? Not good for you?'

I can't help smiling now as I pull her up on top of me, sigh into her crazy, messed up hair and shiny, damp skin. 'I wouldn't want to inflate your ego.'

She laughs through her tears as we move and kiss and I make love... real love, not just sex... for what I think could be the first time in my life. There are still shadows flickering in the corners. But right now I can shine a light on some of them at least. Maybe I can face them now, too, before I make them go away.  

Sonthi's speeding fast ahead of us on his bike, with Sasi's hair flailing out behind her. They brought us a scooter so we wouldn't have to rely on Khalua to get us back to the dive shop in time for their morning session, but I feel a little bit like we've been ripped away from paradise. 

'How are you feeling?' Ben asks me now, peering over his shoulder quickly as we leave the jungle track and head back to the main road. I'm clutching his middle, hands splayed on his abs over his shirt; not like they were last night against his naked flesh. I want to be back there in that bed.

'I'm fine!'

'Sore?' he asks. 

My cheeks flush in the hot sun. 'I can handle a lot more,' I tell him truthfully. 

'I meant your sun burn!'

'Oh.' I press my cheek against his back. Sex with Ben was an experience I've been playing over and over and over since I first opened my eyes. It's like a dream I don't want to fade. I want to keep doing it. I want to lose myself in him again and feel him losing himself in me. That's what he did as we both kissed the tears from each other's eyes. We found each other in a place we built together somehow, away from the torture. I've never known anything like it. I feel myself shiver in spite of the heat. We didn't have time for a re-run - we were running late for breakfast as it was.

When we get to the dive shop, I take my place at the table and pull my iPad out of my bag, sit down and connect to the WIFI. There are several missed Skype calls from Colin, plus a FaceTime message. I clear it without reading it. I don't want him to interrupt my high. I don't want to ever come down. I can't help think of Ben's face, though, when he told me about Toby last night. I swallow a lump in my throat. I just wanted to make his pain go away. I would have done anything he wanted.

'Did you have fun last night?' Sasi asks me now, surreptitiously, sitting down opposite me and pushing me a cold Diet Coke. 'Nice surprise from Sonthi, yes?'

'Surprise from Sonthi?' I say, looking up from my email. Ben and Sonthi are carrying tanks to the dive boat already, along with a tall guy from the U.S who's here with his wife. 

'Sonthi says Ben need to be more man,' she says. 'Ben need to stay with you the night.'

'I think he would have managed,' I say, flushing. I narrow my eyes at her. 'Are you telling me Sonthi booked us into that place last night without telling Ben?'

She nods, flicking her eyes to them both. I can see Sonthi laughing and nudging Ben on their way back towards us now. They set us up.
God, how embarrassing
. Amazing, but embarrassing. Ben never said a word! I wonder why. Would he have been 'more man,' as Sasi says, or would he never have initiated anything if he hadn't been pushed?

'Are you sure you're OK, waiting here?' Ben says, coming up behind me now and putting his big hands on my shoulders. I lean back against the soft black skin of his wetsuit. 'I'll take you back as soon as I'm done, we'll get your scooter, you'll be in time for the school afternoon...'

'Don't worry about it, I'm OK. Have fun,' I tell him, pushing any paranoia over last night out of my buzzing brain. He leans over me, kisses me right in front of Sasi. I smile under his lips as my heart expands and contracts like a loved-up jellyfish in my chest. 

He jogs off towards the water. I want his dive to go quickly so I can take him into my room back at Shady Palms and carry on what we started; and finished, roughly four hours later. I get tingles every time I even think about it. Last night was the best night of my life.

My relative inexperience has always caused me to view the act of sex as somewhat naughty, I think, in spite of its beauty. Before last night I can't say I ever really enjoyed it, or even participated as much as I probably could have, both physically
and
mentally. But no one's ever looked at me the way Ben looks at me; like I'm a lifeline, a friend and a goddess all at once. No one's ever made me want to love them with every single part of me... if I ever really had all of me to give before. That's just the thing, I think. He's opened me up in every possible way. 

A smile stretches out my face. I felt his vulnerability in that room, in spite of the strength of him, pulling me up on that bed, holding my waist, guiding my movements over his body till I took control in a way I never even realized I had it in me to do. Wow... I'm so in love with the idea of loving Ben with all of me. I know it's insane, how fast I've let this thing consume me. Amy would tell me off, I can picture her face; that pouty thing she does. 

But I didn't have a choice. From the second I saw him again I was halfway over that edge. Last night I fell and he caught me. I think we caught each other, actually.

I have to write that down.

Sasi's laugh brings me back to the moment. 'What?'

'You look so in love!' she says, mimicking the stupid smile on my face as I look at Ben climbing on the boat, the guys starting the motor. I pretend to whack her shoulder over the table with my iPad and she dodges me, laughing more. 'I think you are exploding with love!'

'You're not going to tell Kalaya, are you?' I say suddenly, before I can even sensor myself.

Sasi waves my words away. 'Kalaya still in Bangkok,' she says, sipping from her Coke can. 'I know true love, like you have with Ben. I have with Sonthi, same,' she adds, sighing almost dreamily herself.

'Izzy?' A voice behind me.

My blood freezes on the spot. Oh my God. No.

'It is you, isn't it?' The voice is louder now, walking towards me. I can't even turn around. 

No, no, no, no, no.

Sasi's eyes have narrowed opposite me. I can see her looking someone up and down in confusion. I can't turn around, because then it will be real. Then he would have ruined everything in one single second, just like he did before, when I read that email.

'Izzy?' A hand on my shoulder. I have no choice. I turn around slowly, close my eyes. I'm almost sick as I open them again. 

'Colin!'

'Hi! Sorry I'm late, baby, I meant to get here for your birthday but I got the flight times wrong, and I had a conference call with New York so I couldn't leave before...'

'Colin, what are you doing here?' I scramble up. I can't believe this. My heart is galloping so fast I think I might pass out. He pulls me into his arms before I can speak and I get a face full of his sweat-soaked T-shirt. He's wearing a big backpack over his shoulders. 

'Happy belated birthday!' he says. 

I put my hands against his broad chest, push him back. 'Colin, what are you doing here?' 

'I wanted to surprise you!'

'Who is this?' Sasi asks behind me now. Several of the staff members cleaning masks and BCDs behind us have turned to look now, too. Colin is panting like he's run a mile. He looks so out of place, out of context. He's wearing his oldest green rugby shirt and navy blue khaki pants he bought in the GAP sale. They're a little too tight, I notice now. I ram my hands through my hair. 

'I'm Izzy's boyfriend,' he says now, holding out his hand to Sasi.

'No he's not,' I snap before she can take it. I pull him away to the side of the shop as the blood rushes to my ears and starts to buzz. 'Colin! You didn't tell me you were coming here!'

He lifts his black-rimmed glasses from his face, wipes the lenses on the bottom of his T-shirt. 'You didn't give me a choice, you weren't picking up my calls. Christ, it's hot here Izzy, how do you cope?'

'We broke up, Colin! How did you find me?'

'Maria told me where you were, after Amy wouldn't.'

'Wasn't that a big enough hint that I didn't want to see you?'

He, leans his arm on a tree, still out of breath. 'I just wanted to talk to you, you disappeared on me. Let's talk!'

'Not here.' I head back to Sasi, who's trying to hear what we're saying without looking like that's what she's doing. 'I need your bike keys,' I tell her. The look on my face must shock her into action because she stands up immediately and fishes in her shorts pockets, throws them to me. 

I walk quickly away towards the gravel path and Sasi's scooter, parked up next to Ben's. Colin follows. 'Get on,' I tell him, swinging my leg over. He looks at me like I'm insane as I do up my helmet, throw him the spare.

'You're riding a scooter now? I thought I told you these things were dangerous Izzy...'

'You told me. Get on,' I say again, flipping up the stand, revving the engine. I'm struggling to keep my voice down, to not go completely crazy at him but my head is reeling. I need to get out of here before Ben gets back. 'Hurry up!'

'You're different in Thailand, bossy boots,' Colin jokes feebly before climbing on behind me, backpack and all. 

When his familiar arms circle my waist they feel alien, and I feel even sicker, not just at the thought of him touching me anywhere Ben's touched me, but at the fact that in the blink of an eye, Colin has just succeeded once again in doing absolutely everything I never once expected him to do.

'Who's here?' I say to Sasi as she approaches me. She's talking so fast I can't make out any of her words. I'm dripping wet, slipping out of my wetsuit, instructing the guy and his wife we just dove with to put their stuff in the dunk tank for cleaning. 

I can barely remember any of the boat ride back from the reef. One minute we were ascending and the next we were back here. The dive went fine. I went through the motions, pointed out the sea life, paid every bit of attention I should have been paying of course, but the whole time on the boat I was back in that bed with Izzy. I want to get back to her now. I want to bolt her door shut behind us and block out the whole damn world for however long we have until she has to get back to the school. I know I'm probably playing with fire, but I can't stop. I need her like I needed that tank full of air under the ocean just now.

'Colin,' Sasi says, louder this time. I tell the group to gather at the table with their log books, but she says it again, her eyes wide with urgency now. She stands in front of me. 'Colin is here.'

Wait. What? I'm frozen halfway to the table as the name sinks in, like she's pointed a magic wand at me and lifted a spell. 'Izzy's ex is here? Are you sure?' I'm sweating. 

'I saw him,' Sasi says now. Sonthi loops an arm around her, looks at us quizzically. 'They left on my bike.'

My fists clench into themselves. Even my bare toes curl into the sandy concrete floor, but I'm sure she's mistaken. Why the hell would Izzy's ex be here? She broke things off with him over a week ago, didn't she? It must be someone else. Still, my nerves are on edge as we fill out the details from the dive - visibility, twelve meters. Sea life spotted, two lionfish, three groupers, one sweet lips, three clown fish...
this is torture
.

'That girl,' the American guy says suddenly, pointing at a photo of Kalaya on the dive shop wall. In the shot she's standing, smiling next to a couple of Germans we just qualified for their Open Water certificates. 

'You know Kalaya?' I say.

'I think I saw her, in Bangkok. She was wearing a Dream Dive shirt anyway, right?' He turns to his wife. 'She was with some Australian guy with a goatee, totally making out all over the place, remember?'

His wife rolls her eyes. 'Oh yes, they were in that bar with the jelly shots. You're right, that was her. How funny! Does she work here?'

Sonthi's laughing now behind his hand. I throw him a look. 'She used to work here,' I tell them as irritation rolls over me. I'd bet my last fucking dollar the Australian guy was Justin. The irony doesn't escape me. What the hell is happening to my life right now?