The Day Of The Wave (30 page)

'I take it there's a bucket on the way for me?' I ask him, lining up my knife and fork. 

A faint smile plays on Ben's lips. 'You know you still can't be trusted with those,' he says. 'So, Colin tells us you went to the memorial, was it OK?'

His smirk morphs seamlessly into a look of concern and every molecule of my being wants to reach for him and tell him everything I was thinking, standing there today where I'd have never stood if it wasn't for him. 

'It was OK, actually,' I say and he nods, looking pleased. I wanted him there but I'm glad I went anyway after Colin suggested it. Seeing my mom and dad smiling back at me - it was like they were really there. It made me feel like they really were riding that elephant with us the other day, and watching me jump into that waterfall. They're everywhere I go.

Colin is looking between us with interest. 'We saw your little brother there, in the photo,' he says to Ben. 'He looked like a nice boy, so sorry for your loss.' 

I watch as Ben's muscles turn rigid. He grips the menu so hard his knuckles flash white. His eyes turn steely grey in the low light and my heart cramps up. 'What are you drinking?' I say quickly, slamming a hand on Colin's menu. He turns to me, cocks an eyebrow like he doesn't understand what he just did. How could he? He's wearing a loose gray GAP shirt. It flaps around his thin arms as he shoos away a bug that hovers into the candlelight around the table. 

Pete walks over to us. 'Drink?'

'Chang, thanks mate,' Colin says, still frowning at me.

'I'll have a bucket, vodka Redbull please,' I follow. Sod it, I need a drink. 'Sasi will help me, right?'

Colin's still frowning. 'I always stayed away from buckets, babe. They can use pretty dodgy spirits in some of these...'

'They're perfectly fine, Colin,' I snap, making Sasi squeeze my knee under the table. I watch her hide a smile under her other hand as she whispers something in Thai to Sonthi. I know she's dying to ask me what the hell is going on, as much as I'm dying to tell them all that absolutely nothing is going on. I've been hiding Colin away though, since he first walked into the dive shop. I've taken him everywhere I know no one will go. I don't want him to tell anyone anything that might come back to bite me when he leaves. Colin loves to talk, a bit too much, as just exhibited. 

'Bloody bugs!' he shouts now, as something appears to smack into his glasses, making him jump.

'Sorry we don't have any jars,' Ben says quickly, without looking up from the food menu. 

I hold my breath in the night. Ben's completely straight-faced. I don't know whether to laugh or feel horrified.

'What did you say?' Colin asks him now, leaning away from something else that zooms through the air right by his face.

'Izzy happened to mention you like to save the wildlife. Although, maybe you've changed your mind since then? It can be pretty vicious here.'

Colin's eyes narrow. I kick Ben under the table as a smile fights its way to my face. I watch him bite his lip to stop the laugh. He's still not looking up from the menu. I bet he couldn't help that dig. I completely forgot we had that conversation on Phi Phi. But then I also forgot I told him when my birthday was. I probably shouldn't be drinking so many buckets.

'Isla Sullivan,' Colin says authoritatively, the second we're all quiet again. He scrapes his chair back in the sand, stands up like he's about to make an urgent announcement. 

Oh God.

'I came here on your birthday, baby... well, I meant to get here on your birthday... to tell you exactly what you mean to me, which is everything, in case you've forgotten.' 

Ben puts the menu down. He sits back in his seat and looks at him in interest as Colin drops to one knee in front of me. He reaches for the legs of my plastic chair and pulls it towards him. Everyone at the table gasps. So do two other couples behind us, eating lobster by candlelight. So do I.

Oh God. No.

'Colin, get up,' I say through my teeth. My temples start to thud and my palms start to sweat, but he's not moving. He's pulling something out of his pocket now. I grip the seat underneath me. No, no, no, no. 'Colin... what are you doing?'

'I'm sorry, but it's been killing me, Izzy,' he says, putting a hand to my knee over my dress. 'I can't wait anymore. These past few months without you, and then knowing you were here, finally facing up to what happened to you, growing as a person, an incredible person...'

'Colin, stop,' I say. 

Pete pauses midway back to us with our drinks. 'Listen,' Colin says, tightening his grip around my knee. 'I know we've had a rocky ride over the last few months, but I want you to know how much I love you, and how ready I am to give you everything. And seeing as we're all here...' 

Nerves spring into his eyes behind his glasses as he pauses to smile. The sheen of sweat on his forehead intensifies in the flickering candlelight. I know what he's going to say before he even says it but still, all the breath leaves my lungs as he flips up the lid of the box and holds it out at me. 'Izzy, I'm asking you to marry me.'

No, no, no, no
. 

I can't speak. My eyes dart to Ben. He's staring at the silver studded ring as hard as Sasi is, raking a hand through his hair, looking half shocked, half amused. My knees have turned to jelly, even sitting down. Colin looks so serious, and the ring is so sparkly. Anger replaces the shock as he looks up at me, like a puppy dog again. I can't believe this! Actually, yes I can.

Colin planned this whole thing. He planned to propose to me after he suspected I'd finally moved on. I've seen the looks he gives Ben, even though he hasn't asked any questions. It's so Colin - staking his claim, making one grand gesture instead of the hundred small ones he never ever bothered with. He's still on his knees. Everyone's looking at us. I stand up in front of him. I have to be nice; this is so embarrassing. I clear my throat. 'Don't you think we should talk...'

'Marry me, Izzy,' he interrupts, signaling for Pete to put the drinks down in front of us. I reach for the bucket, drink through the straw like I've never had a drink in my life. 'Our flight leaves in the morning and soon as we get back I want us to move back in. Maria knows...'

'No, Colin, get up,' I tell him now, slamming the drink back down. 'We need to talk, Colin, get up, now.' 

He doesn't get up. 

It's Ben who gets up in the end. He doesn't say a word; he just stands and walks away from us all quickly into the shadows, until the darkness of the beach swallows him whole.

I hear her behind me before I turn around. I'm almost back at the huts, but she reaches for my arm, turns me to face her in the wet sand. She's panting, bending over now in her damn blue dress. She scrapes her hair back, looks up at me. 'I'm so sorry, Ben! I told him to stay there...'

'It's OK, Izzy.'

'No it's not. He always made all the arrangements and I always went along with it, I was an idiot! He thinks he can do the same now... '

'You should go to him, Izzy. Marry him, or be engaged, but be with Colin.' I turn from her, start walking towards my hut, but she darts in front of me.

'What?'

'He's good for you,' I say, walking past her again. 'I could never give you... I could never be that person...' I stop as my voice starts to falter. Damn. I walk faster away from her, but she runs ahead of me again, holds her hand out at me.

'Where is this coming from?' 

'It's the truth.' I keep on walking but she's up ahead, on the steps to my hut, standing on the deck, blocking my door. 

'No, it's not.'

'Yes it is, come on Izzy, the guy's crazy about you, he flew all the way here to get you back. He wants you to move in with him!'

'So what? I don't want that. Wait a minute, Ben.' She puts a hand against my chest now, stops me moving. Her big brown eyes are oceans. Her sunburn is still a deep red against white on her bare shoulders and she looks distraught. 'This has nothing to do with Colin, really, does it? You're seeing this as your chance to push me away, like you do everybody!' She shoves me, hard. 'Oh my God! So that's what you've been doing since you slept with me!'

'Izzy...'

'You push everyone away 'cause you're scared to be loved!'

'So this is
love
?' I blurt. Her eyes grow wider as she drops her hand and finally lets me walk past her into my room. 

'I don't know what it is,' she says quietly, following me inside, 'but it's something and you know it is. You felt it too, the other night, I know you did. That's why you're scared of losing it. You don't want it in case you lose it. I'm right, aren't I?'

'Thanks for the psychoanalysis, doctor Sullivan.'

'Stop it, stop patronizing me!' She steps away from the doorframe, nostrils flaring. She's barefoot. She must have left her shoes at Pete's to run after me. 'You told me you let people go before you can hurt them, but the truth is you don't want to get hurt yourself!'

'Bullshit, Izzy.'

'You don't want any more pain, of course you don't! Why would you? Neither of us does, Ben.' 

I sit down heavily on the bed, facing her. I'm shaking but I can't let it show. 'We shouldn't have slept together, I'm so sorry, it got out of control.'

She shakes her head, walks right up to me, puts her hands to my face and makes me look at her. 'Listen to me. I wouldn't hurt you. I wouldn't leave you. Ben, you know damn well there's nothing I want from Colin anymore...'

'Izzy, you've been with him for four years, we've known each other a matter of weeks...'

'Stop!' She's gripping my hair now, not letting me look away. Her eyes are full of fire. She's beautiful Bizzy again, back on that beach, pissed about the fake shark. 'Don't you dare!' 

My own eyes fill with tears but I don't let them fall. Her thighs clamp around me now as she sits on my lap; gripping me with her knees. 'Don't treat me like the rest of them. You've been helping me face my stupid fears since I got here, Ben, and now you have to face up to your own - whatever's making you do this to me! Why don't you talk to your mom?' 

I try to stand up, but she's sitting on me, forcing me down. 'Stop it, Izzy!'

'
You
stop it! Why don't you ever talk to her?' she says. 'Why won't you ever tell me?'

'She blames me, OK!' I yell at her now. My fists are clenched. I can feel my pulse throbbing. 'She blames me for what happened!' I stand up with her legs wrapped around me, turn around, drop her on the bed and walk to the deck again. My heart's a race horse. Shit, shit, shit. She's behind me in a second.

'What do you mean she blames you?' Her voice is calm, questioning now, like the teacher the kids at the school have fallen in love with. 'That makes no sense, Ben.'

'It's my fault Toby died that day,' I say, dropping to the hammock. 'He should never have been out there. My mom was paranoid, she didn't want him in the ocean with the dive stuff on without her there...'

'Ben...'

'She was there when I did my first dive, in the boat in California,' I carry on, looking at my feet now against the wood through blurred vision; her red sandy toenails. 'She wanted to be there with Toby, but Charlie ignored her. He told us what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.' 

Izzy's silent. When I look up, tears are streaking her face, just like they are mine all over again. 'You've been carrying all this guilt around with you, all this time?' she says, dropping in front of me. 'You think Toby died because of you? And you think your own mother blames you for the
tsunami
? That's insane.'

'It's my fault he was out there...'

'Nothing is your fault!' She covers my hand with hers. 'If anything, that was Charlie's call, Ben. You were sixteen and he was looking after you! He made the final call for all of you to do that dive. You were just going along with it because you loved it, and you loved him and Toby. You would've done anything they wanted!'

I get up again, walk past her back down the steps and onto the beach. It's been ten years... more than that. She's only known me a matter of weeks. I knew this would happen. I fought the fucking voices in my head when I knew this would happen. I let her get to me more than the others. I kissed her thinking maybe Izzy was my salvation; I screwed her with my senses warped, like the hands of fate were personally delivering redemption. Idiot.

'I'm not playing you a fucking violin, Ben!' she shouts now, running in front of me again. Her hair and dress are flying out in the wind. 'You don't want anyone to take this guilt away from you, do you? You want it to kill you slowly, like you think you killed Toby?'

I ram my hands through my hair. 'I can't do this with you! We have too much shit between us, Izzy, we're always dragging up the past. Look at us, we're just making each other worse!' 

'No we're not.' She stands beside me at the shoreline; lets the ocean wash over her feet. 'We're making each other better! You can't get better without feeling everything and you're feeling everything, aren't you, just like I am?'

'No.'

'Yes. It's scary but it's good, Ben, you taught me that! You have to let this go, all of it. You have to forgive yourself and let Toby go.'

'Go to Colin,' I say, gritting my teeth. 

'You
have
to forgive yourself,' she says again, 'or you'll do this for the rest of your life. You need to let people love you, Ben, or you'll just be lonely...'

'Go away!' I yell and she lets out a sob that breaks my heart. 'Just go.'

'Fine,' she manages, swiping at her cheeks. 'But promise me you'll talk to your mom. She loves you, Ben, she doesn't blame you. Talk to her.'

'I can't make any promises.' 

'That's so selfish! You're being stupid.' 

'Well, that's just what I am, Izzy. It's not like I didn't try to tell you!'

I hear her inhale sharply as my own words ring around my skull like war sirens. When I finally turn around, she's gone.

His instinct is to be alone in his cave where no one and nothing can get to him; where no one can make him feel any less guilty for what he did, taking Toby out there. He wants to feel guilt and pain, as much as I want to numb it. I pushed him over the edge.
This is my fault.