The Dark Side of Disney (13 page)

Flash-illuminated sex hideaway – even has a seat for comfort!

5. The monorail from The Magic Kingdom to Epcot is also ideal for a quickie, especially during those Evening Magic Hours that last until 2AM (so the monorail runs until 3AM). Find an empty cabin and go at it. Don’t believe me? Check out
http://www.flashmountain.com/monorail-girl.php
for pictures of a girl totally nude on the WDW monorail; there’s even a video you can order for only $9.95! Totally worth it, btw. In this video, it initially looks like there are other people in the cabin, and there are even sound effects added so that it sounds like a large crowd is are in there. But subsequent shots show that for the most graphic parts the cabin was empty, and two separate trips were cut together. Looks like this was done in the middle of the day, but it would obviously work anytime you can find an empty cabin.

MONORAIL GIRL!!!!

6. The secret trail in Animal Kingdom. There is one particular trail around the giant phallic symbol known as The Tree of Life that it seems nobody knows about, probably because the entrance and exit aren’t really marked. To get to the trail, go through the Fastpass area for A Bugs Life. You’ll find the trail on the left side. The warnings here are the same as for Tom Sawyer’s Island, so play it safe!

Entrance to secret trail via exit of “Tough to be a Bug”

The secret AK trail

A flash-illuminated sex hideaway on the AK trail

7. Journey Into Your Imagination. A few sources in the know claim that there are no cameras on this ride, much like there weren’t in the long defunct Horizons ride. Since Journey has been butchered into a boring shell of its former self, there’s really nothing better to do on this ride than have some “imaginative” sex.

Nobody rides this thing, might as well have sex

8. The Utilidors at MK or Backstage at Epcot. “Wait, what?!” you gasp. “You’re not even supposed to be there to begin with! How is this a good place to have sex?” Well, as far as gaining access to the tunnels or backstage, read the tips and tricks later in the book. Once you get there and realize nobody gives a shit, you’ll find a massive network of tunnels at MK with dozens of forgotten storage rooms, and all sorts of strange abandoned hideaways at Epcot where you should have no trouble finding a private spot to get your groove on.

9. Any of the dark rides, especially Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean. Look, you’re just asking for trouble here. There are cameras everywhere, and if you’re even so much as making out you’ll hear a cast member telling you over the speakers to cut it out. If you persist, they’ll stop the ride and escort you out. But I’m sure some of you are going to do it anyway, so if you do, be as discrete as possible, hopefully settling for a handy or fingerbang under a jacket.

Example of one of the camera monitoring stations at WDW

A cast member tells the story of how he was working evening EMH hours at Mansion, around 1:30AM. “A couple came in giggling, and they were the only people who’d come in for at least five minutes so they had the ride all to themselves. We knew pretty much right away what was going to happen, so after they got on the ride we kept our eyes glued to the cameras. They put on the craziest XXX-rated show we’d ever seen! It’s not like you can do it in a normal position in the ride vehicles anyway, but they were all over the place! When they got off the ride we all stood there and gave them a round of applause. The girl was blushing like crazy but the guy seemed to love it and gave us all high-fives!”

Honorable mention: Skyway. Oh, Skyway, how we miss you! Although this ride doesn’t exist anymore (supposedly closed for engineering reasons, although popular consensus is that it was a safety hazard since you could literally jump to your death), it was a mecca for the horny. No cameras, on top of the crowd so nobody could see you, but still out in the open air. The number of kids conceived up here over the years must have been staggering.

So there you go, the best places in Walt Disney World to have sex! Take that, Fodors!

To deviate (no pun intended) slightly from the topic, another sex-related ride “must do” is showing your boobs on Splash Mountain, better known to cast members as “Flash Mountain”. Right as you go down the climax of the ride (a huge waterfall) a hidden camera snaps your picture, which you can then purchase on your way out. Apparently it’s become something of a rite of passage for women to bare their breasts right at this moment, camera be damned. Of course, since it’s Disney, they’ve devised a protocol to shelter young eyes from this behavior, and have set the camera system on a 35 second time delay so that they can quickly block any photos with bare breasts from appearing on the big screen at the photo kiosk.

However, it seems as if some enterprising cast members have figured out a way to shift these pix to some other form of storage, and have graciously posted them for all to see at
http://www.flashmountain.com/spl.php
!

How to Find Someone to Have Sex With:

If you’re single and on the prowl, let’s be honest: WDW probably isn’t the best vacation spot for random hookups. Go to Cancun or Daytona if that’s all you’re interested in. However, if you’re mainly looking for a fun and memorable vacation, with a little tail on the side, that can definitely be arranged.

Cast Members:

Throughout the year the parks are staffed by college students there for the College Program, where horny teenagers from all over the world come to work for a pittance, both because they love Disney, and because it looks pretty good on a resume. As of this writing, there were 8,000 students working for the Mouse each year via this program, with 4,000 on site at any given time!

The majority of these young cast members are placed in menial positions, such as serving/cooking food or cleaning bathrooms, so anything you can do to make their day a little brighter will definitely make you stand out from the throngs of irritable and annoying guests they usually deal with. If you see an attractive young cast member, by all means chat them up and see if you can get invited back to one of their offsite housing complexes (i.e., dorms) where all of the typical hijinks often associated with college housing occur on a daily basis. These apartments are definitely party central for college-age cast members, and getting invited here on a weekend is like hitting the mother load for a single looking for a hookup at WDW.

“It really is like a freshman dorm,” says a young female DCP attendee. “People have to work shitty shifts at all hours and all days of the week, and it’s tough to have a normal social life outside of the program. So everyone just hooks up with everyone else in the apartment complex; it’s very incestuous. After a few weeks we realized that the boys in the program were super immature, so my friends and I were definitely on the prowl in the parks for attractive guys. Since most guests treated us like crap, anyone who was even remotely nice stood out from the crowd. I’d give nice guys FastPasses with my number written on the back.”

Here’s an extra special tip: try to get invited to The Commons, which is where the international cast members live. For The World Showcase in Epcot, Disney tries to hire students who are actually from the countries represented in the individual pavilions, both to create an authentic experience for guests, and also so that the international cast members feel a little more comfortable in their environment, given that most of them are in the US for the first time.