The Culmination (35 page)

What the fuck? Where’d she find that? “Emoji wizard,” I type.

“We’ve all got our talents.”

“Are you wearing a skirt?” I write.

“Yes.”

“Good. Take off your panties before I get there. Go commando for me.”

“Will do. You better get that massive cock of yours ready, big boy. I’m dripping wet.”

“My cock’s been ready for six fucking weeks.”

“Woot. I’ll just stand here with no panties and my legs spread out, dripping all over my thighs, until you get here.”

“You’re so fucking sexy.”

Josh’s phone rings and he picks up.

“Hey, Henn. What’s up?” Josh listens for a minute. “Awesome! Congratulations! Hey, Henn just popped the question to Hannah. She said yes.”

“Awesome,” I say. I quickly tap out another text to Sarah. “Henn and Hannah just got engaged.”

“Yay!” Sarah writes. Diamond ring emoji. “Hey, now they’re ‘Hennah!’ Tell them I say big congrats.”

I swat Josh on the knee. “Sarah says congrats and that she’s christened them ‘Hennah.’”

Josh laughs and conveys my message to Henn.

“What’s our couple name?” I type. “Jorah?”

“How about Sanas?” she writes. “Because it means ‘healthy’ in Spanish.” She adds a smiley-face emoji wearing a surgical mask followed by a praying hands emoji. “Knock on wood, right?”

“Amen.”

“Hey, Sunny just woke up. Gotta go.”

“See you soon, wife. I love you.”

“I love you, too, husband
.
” Heart emoji.

“Get ready to get fucked.”

“Roger that.” She adds a yellow smiley face bearing its teeth like it’s scared.

“Hey, sir,” Josh says to the driver. “Looks like you can drop me at the hospital, too. No second stop required.”

“What?” I blurt, looking up from my phone.

Josh holds up his phone. “Just found out Kat and Gracie are on their way to visit the babies right now. They’re gonna surprise Sarah and take her out to dinner.” He bursts out laughing.

“No,” I yelp. “Tell Kat to turn around. Tell her
no.
”

“Bro, I’m not gonna stop Little G from visiting her cousins just so Uncle Jo Jo can screw Auntie Sarah in a supply closet. You’ll just have to wait ’til you get home.”

“Gracie’s got a lifetime to visit her cousins. Tell Kat to turn around.”

“Nope.”

I grab for Josh’s phone, but he pulls it away and puts it into his pocket. “Looks like it’s Faraday, party of five, for dinner. One big, happy family.”

I look up to the ceiling of the limo, looking for strength I surely do not possess.

“Hey, if I can wait another hour to be alone with my beautiful wife, then surely you can wait, too.”

“We’re hardly in the same situation, Josh. You’ve been away from Kat for three days. I’ve been waiting six fucking weeks. Comparing our situations is like comparing the common cold to cancer.”

“No, not being with Kat for three days ain’t no common cold, bro—that’s
at least
influenza. Maybe even bronchitis.”

I look out the window of the limo, scowling.

“Poor Jonas.”

“Don’t talk to me.”

Josh laughs. “Life’s not fair, bro.” There’s a long beat as we look out our respective windows of the car. “We’re lucky bastards, aren’t we?” Josh finally says.

I’m pissed at him, it’s true, but I can’t deny the truth when I hear it. “We sure are,” I reply. I deign to look at him and we both smile about our good fortune.

“And, anyway, I’m not just dealing with three days away from Kat,” Josh says, breaking the spell of my good feelings toward him. “I’ve got bigger fish to fry. The woman only stopped barfing a couple weeks ago, and not too long from now, my baby boy will be here, royally cock-blocking me with his never-ending cuteness, not to mention his puking and crying and breastfeeding. So that means I’ve got only a short window of time to enjoy a fairly normal sex life. You should be honored I’m willing to spend any of my precious minutes with you.”

Well, damn. My babies are slated to come home next week. Does that make this coming week my only window of opportunity for a “normal” sex life?

Josh laughs. “Poor Jonas.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. “I guess you’ll just have to behave like a
homo sapien
for a little while longer today. Sorry, bro. I know how hard that is for you
.
”

I scowl and look out the window of the limo.

“You’re so entertaining, Jonas. You know that? You never cease to amuse me.”

I roll my eyes.

Josh chuckles happily and then looks down at his phone again, probably busying himself with Twitter or Instagram or some other meaningless exercise in narcissism.

I look at my watch. We should be at the hospital in about fifteen minutes.

Fuck me.

I feel like I’m going to explode.

And not figuratively, either.

Oh my
fucking
God.

Chapter 32

Jonas

When Josh and I bound into the NICU, we find ourselves in the middle of a raging Faraday girl-party that’s already well underway. Sarah’s sitting in a glider chair, holding Sunny; Little G is sitting next to her in another glider, holding Luna with an assist from Kat, her pink sparkly boots barely hanging over the edge of her chair; and Gloria’s here too—what the fuck?—taking photos and ordering everyone to smile.

All four of them are giggling and squealing and cooing up a storm, especially little Gracie, whose little exclamations to Luna would be adorable to me if I weren’t feeling so sexually frustrated right now. Oh my God. I love each and every one of these females, God knows I do, each in a very different way, but I had a much different “party” in mind when I diverted my limo to the hospital.

Josh immediately beelines to Kat and Gracie, while I stand rooted to my spot just inside the NICU entrance. I need a minute. I wasn’t prepared to be Happy-Go-Lucky Jonas right now. I was all amped up to be Fuck-My-Woman-Till-She-Screams-My-Fucking-Name-In-a-Supply-Closet Jonas. Fuck.

Sarah beams a smile at me. “Hi, love. I’m so excited you’re here.” There’s a bloom in Sarah’s cheeks again these days—a fairly recent and exceedingly welcome development after the long haul of the last six weeks—and she’s even got a mischievous twinkle in her eye again, too. “Kat surprised me by bringing Little G
and
my mom to visit the babies,” Sarah says, curling a lock of her hair around her finger and grinning broadly. “Isn’t that
awesome
?”

“
Awesome
,” I say. “Totally and completely
awesome
.”

Sarah suppresses a laugh.

I cross the room toward Sarah and suddenly notice she’s wearing the white sundress I bought her in Belize. “You’re wearing the dress,” I say, flashing back to the memory of that dress crumpled on the floor of our tree house. I lean down to kiss her.

“Today’s a special occasion,” she whispers into my lips. “Another round of delicious anticipation.”

I’m about to whisper something suggestive to Sarah about meeting me in the nearest supply closet, but all of a sudden, I’m getting hugged by Kat and Gloria, and kissed by Little G, and ordered by Gloria to pose for photos—and it’s abundantly clear that any form of covert fuckery with Sarah here at the hospital is a pipe dream.

“Take Sunny, love,” Sarah says. “She’s been missing her daddy.”

I take little Sunny from Sarah’s arms, and the minute I do, I magically forget all about my initial motives for getting dropped off at the hospital. “Hi, Sunshine,” I say, settling myself into a glider next to Sarah. “Wow, she’s grown so much in just three days. Her growth is literally
visible
.”

“I know, right? Both of them,” Sarah says. “Aren’t they incredible? They’re getting so big.”

I glance at Luna on Gracie’s lap. “They’re so pretty. They’re quite literally the prettiest babies the world has ever seen—besides Gracie, of course.” I wink at Gracie and she tries to wink back at me, closing both of her eyes in an exaggerated blink.

“A couple of beasts-in-training,” Josh says. “I’d expect nothing less from your mighty spawn, Uncle Jo Jo.”

“What do you think of your cousins, Gracie?” Sarah asks. “Are they cutie patooties, or what?”

Gracie nods.

“Say it for me, Gracie,” Sarah prompts. “Cutie patooties.”

“Cootee patoooootsh.”

Sarah giggles. “You never disappoint me, Gracie-cakes. You funny.”

Gracie puffs out her little chest with pride. “I funny.”

Everyone laughs. Gracie’s never known what to do on the receiving end of this little family joke before.

“I funny,” Gracie says again, obviously enjoying the reaction she got the first time—and, of course, we all oblige her.

“Isn’t Luna little?” Sarah asks Gracie. “You used to be a little baby and now you’re such a big girl.”

Gracie nods. “Cuzn Loona da baybee. Grassy da big girl.”

“That’s right,
mamacita
,” Sarah says. “You got that right. You’re the big cheese in town—
la Quesota
.”

Gloria giggles. “Oh, Sarah
.
” Apparently, Sarah’s made some sort of Sarah-ism, even in Spanish.

Sarah laughs. “Yeah, that doesn’t really translate, does it?”

Gloria shakes her head, still laughing. “No. Not at all.”

“Ahm hungy, Mommy,” Gracie says. “I want da cheese.”

“The cheese? You mean string cheese?”

“No, Mommy, da
big
cheese. Wit Auntie Sah.”

“You see what you do to me, Sarah?” Kat chastises. “No, honey, no snacks. We’re all going to a restaurant for dinner in just a few minutes.”

Gracie looks like she’s about to protest. And loudly, too.

“Hey, Little G,” I say, flashing her my most charming smile. “You wanna hold Sunny now?”

Gracie’s face lights up. “Sunneeeee,” she squeals, instantly distracted from whatever cheese-related tantrum she was about to throw.

“Oh, you’re good,” Kat says to me.

I swap Sunny for Luna in Gracie’s lap and she instantly busies herself with the business of kissing and cuddling her newest baby doll.

“Hi, Crazy Monkey,” I whisper to Luna, kissing her little head. “I missed you, my love. Do you know I love you to the moon and back again?” I look up, intending to make a comment about how much Luna looks like Sarah, and I’m met with Sarah’s teary-eyed gaze.

I grin at her, my heart beating out of my chest with pure joy. And for the life of me, all of a sudden, I can’t remember what the fuck I was so crabby about when I first walked into the NICU.

Chapter 33

Jonas

“Do you want the pizza or the chicken fingers?” Kat asks Gracie.

“Peesuh,” Gracie says, her face lighting up.

“Pizza,
please
,” Kat corrects.

“Peesuh, please.”

“Thank you for your nice manners.”

Fuck me. Okay, I’m crabby again. And then some.

The six of us are just one big, happy family. Just one, big, it’s-been-six-fucking-weeks-since-I’ve-fucked-my-wife-and-I’m-sitting-at-a-fucking-chain-restaurant-with-my-brother-and-mother-in-law-and-sister-in-law-and-niece-rather-than-fucking-my-smokin’-hot-wife-right-now-happy-fucking family.

The minute we got to this deep-fried travesty of a restaurant, a restaurant with fucking kiddie menus for the love of God, I tried to get Sarah to pop into the bathroom with me for a quickie, but her mom was on her like white on rice about one thing or another, and absconding Sarah for some lightning-fast bathroom-fuckery wasn’t in the cards.

And then, fuck me, the nanosecond after Gloria finally left Sarah alone, when I thought I might have a brief window of opportunity to get inside Sarah, Gracie suddenly wanted her Auntie Sarah above all other humans, and there was nothing to do but pile into the restaurant booth with everyone—with Gracie wedged between Sarah and me, stuck to her Auntie Sarah like glue.

“Oh, that’s pretty,” Sarah says, referring to Gracie’s crayon-scribbles on her fucking kiddie menu. “Hey, will you give me a bite of your pizza when it comes, Little G?” Sarah asks, stroking Gracie’s hair. “I’m gonna order a salad, but I’m craving a big ol’ bite of your pizza. Yummo.”

Gracie nods, hard at work on her masterpiece. “Mmm hmm.”

“Thank you, baby.”

“Grassy not a baybee.”

“Oh, I forgot. You’re a big girl now.”

“Grassy da big sissy.”

“That’s right.”

“Are you excited to meet your baby brother in a few months, Gracie?” Gloria asks.

Gracie smiles broadly and nods. “Jack.”

Sarah looks at Josh and Kat, instantly elated. “You guys went with my suggestion?”

“So much for surprises,” Kat says. “Thanks, Gracie.”

Gracie smiles broadly at her mother, clearly not understanding sarcasm.

“Oh, come on, Kat. Surprises aren’t allowed in this family,” Sarah says. She squeals. “I’m so excited.
Jack Faraday
. I just love it.”

“Jack Faraday,” Josh repeats proudly. “Now that’s a
name.
That’s a guy who drinks scotch
neat
.”

“That’s a guy who knows how to land a right hook—and a babe,” Kat adds.

“Jack Faraday doesn’t even own a
wrench
,” Josh says. “He just uses his
teeth
.”

“When Jack Faraday crosses the border into a new country, they immediately put his face on their currency,” Sarah says, and everyone laughs.

“The Pope calls
Jack Faraday
and asks him to bless his water,” Josh says.

“When the groundhog comes out of his hole in February, he asks Jack Faraday what he should do,” Kat says.

“
Gravity
asks Jack Faraday for
permission,
” Sarah says.

We’re all laughing pretty hard by now, even me.

“When Jack Faraday wipes his ass, the toilet paper writes him a ‘Thank You’ note,” Josh says, and we all roll with laughter. Even Gloria’s wiping her eyes and holding her sides.

“After Jack Faraday visits the Virgin Islands, they officially rename them... the
Islands
,” Sarah adds, wiggling her eyebrows, and we all lose it.