The Culmination (31 page)

Woman Number Two comes on. She’s older than Carla. Attractive in an elegant sort of way. I never would have pegged her for participating in a video like this. She looks like a high-priced lawyer or something. She strips her dress off—and, damn, she’s hot as fuck underneath those clothes, holy shit—who knew?—and the two of them proceed to sit on the edge of the bed and do the exact same dog and pony show I just witnessed with Carla. And, once again, within a matter of minutes, the woman’s pussy blows like a volcano right before my eyes.

Holy fuck.

On to Woman Number Three. Same fucking thing: Thar she blows.

I’m literally pulling on my hair. What the fuck does this little fucker know that I don’t?
What the fuck?

I pull out my phone, my hands trembling.

Henn answers after one ring. “Yo.”

“I need you to find someone for me,” I say. “Right away.”

“Well, hello, Jonas. I’m great. Thanks for asking. How are you?”

“It’s this guy on YouTube. I’ll send you the link to his video. It’s pay-per-view.”

“A pay-per-view video?” He laughs. “Is this video
porn
, by any chance, Jonas?”

“I just emailed you the link. Just watch the video and find me the guy.”

“All righty. Hang on. I just got your email.” There’s a long pause during which Henn apparently clicks on my link. “Oh,” he says. “Wowzercats. I was just kidding about the porn thing. Holy shit, Jonas. It’s actually
porn
.”

“Yeah, so find him for me. As soon as possible.”

“Damn, Jonas. What the fuck?”

“Just find him.”

“Hang on.” I hear the video playing in the background.

“So can you find him or not?” I ask after a minute.

“Of course. I mean, he’s on YouTube, showing his face, telling dudes how to make women squirt. The guy’s a king among men. He’s probably got a cult following—a Squirting Feifdom. An Army of Ejaculator-orators.”

I can’t help but laugh.

“I’m sure it’ll be ridiculously easy to find him. You probably don’t even need me.”

“I don’t have time to hunt this guy down and figure it out. I’d rather pay you to do it.”

“Ha! I’m not gonna take your money to find this guy.” He chuckles. “I should be paying
you
for sending me this video. Made my day. And Hannah’s night.
Wink.
” He laughs.

I don’t reply. I don’t like having a hard-on while talking to Henn. It’s not natural.

There’s a long pause. I can hear the video continuing to play through the phone line.

“Oh, hello beautiful,” Henn says. Clearly, Carla just entered Henn’s computer screen. “You want me to find the girl, too, Jonas?”

“Of course, not the girl. Jesus, Henn. Just the
guy
.”

“Just asking.”

“I’ll never ask you to find me another girl as long as I live, motherfucker. I’m
married.
”

“Jeez. I was just asking. I thought maybe the guy and girl embezzled funds from you or something, I dunno. I didn’t realize it was strictly
personal
.”

“My wife just had my twin girls. You think I’m trolling the internet to find a porn star to fuck?”

“No, not to fuck. To make
squirt
. Obviously.”

“Fuck you, Henn. I’ll never as long as I live ask you to—”

“I’m
kidding
, Jonas. Dude. Relax. You’re overreacting. Shocker.”

I pause. I think Henn might have a point. I might be overreacting slightly. Shit. Maybe no sex for three weeks has made me a bit high-strung. I shake it off. “Okay. So, I’ll need this guy’s phone number. I wanna ask him a couple questions.”

“Hell yeah, you do. So do I. Damn.”

“Just find him.”

“I feel like such a pimp right now. It’s totally awesome. Whoa!” Henn suddenly shouts at the top of his lungs. “Holy fuck!” I’m guessing Carla just blew her load all over the bed. Henn laughs. “Oh my God, Jonas. That was awesome.”

I don’t reply.

“Now
that’s
what I call entertainment. Hot diggity damn.”

“Okay, so you’re on it, then?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m on it—like purple on Barney. This is definitely a white-hat job. Absolutely free of charge.”

“Great. Thanks.”

“Hey, is this a thanks-for-having-my-babies surprise for Sarah?” He laughs. “Most guys usually go with jewelry, you know.”

“I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”

Henn is laughing his ass off.

I pause a long time. “Most guys give their wife jewelry after a baby?” I finally ask softly, my heart beating out of my chest. “I didn’t even think of that.”

“Yeah, well, it must have slipped your mind because you were busy worrying your entire family was gonna die.” I can still hear the video in the background. “Holy shit. Enter woman number two, stage left. Oh, man, this guy’s unbelievable.” He chuckles. “How are Sarah and the babies, by the way?”

“Pretty good. Sarah’s still not feeling great, but—”

“But she’s about to start feeling a whole lot better. Ka-
bam
!”

“Shut the fuck up, Henn. You’re talking about my wife.”

“Sorry.” All joviality has instantly evaporated from Henn’s voice. “How are the babies?”

“Good. They should be coming home in about three weeks or so. They just have to get to the point where their lungs are fully developed. Pretty normal with preemies, I guess. They should be fine. I can’t believe how big they’re getting already.”

“Send me a pic.”

“Okay, hang on.” I scroll through my photos, finding a good one.

“Woman number two just wet the bed, too. Oh my God. Damn.”

I find a really cute photo of the girls and email it to Henn. “Just sent a pic.”

“Cool. Okay, got it.” There’s a beat as Henn checks the photo. “Aw, they’re so cute, man. They’ve filled out a ton since I saw them. They look like humans now instead of raisins.”

“Thanks.”

“Hey, Hannah and I are planning to come to Seattle in a couple months when Josh and Kat have baby number two.”

“Did you hear it’s a boy?” I say.

“Yeah. They called me. Kat was freaking out about having a penis inside her at all times, and Josh was like, ‘What’s new about that?’”

We both laugh.

“But, anyway, I wanna see your little girlios then, too, okay? They’ll be beasts by then, I’m sure. Oh, here we go. Step right up, woman number three.”

“You and Hannah can stay at my house when you come, if you don’t want to do a hotel.”

“Cool. Thanks. I’ll tell Hannah to calendar it—right after I make her squirt, of course.” He snickers.

“Of course.” I can’t help but chuckle. This is a supremely ridiculous conversation. “Well, bye, Henn. I gotta go. Thanks again.”

“Yeah, I gotta go, too. I’m in the middle of a super-secret job. You’d get such a kick out of it.”

“Government?”

“Of course. Those guys love me now. They think I’m a fucking genius.”

“Because you are.”

“Why, thank you. Plus, I’ve got some internet porn to watch, and I’m sure you do, too... “

“Of course, not. I’ve got actual work to do. I’m a respected member of society, if you haven’t heard.”

“Yeah, I read that latest article about you guys in whatever magazine. The one about Peru? So rad. You looked like fucking Thor, man.”

“Thanks. Actually, that one came out a while ago.”

“Oh. Well, I only just saw it. I told Josh they made you look way hotter than him and he almost punched me in the teeth.”

“Poor Josh. He’s so used to Kat lying to him about his sexual prowess day in and day out, he’s just not equipped to handle the truth when he hears it.”

“I’ll tell him you said so.”

“Please do.”

We share another chuckle.

“Talk to you later, brother,” I say. Whoa, what the fuck was that? I’ve never called Henn “brother” before—I don’t even address Josh that way—but it just slipped out.

“So...” Henn says. “Does this mean you’re not gonna ask me if I’ve got news about The Club?”

My carefree mood disappears instantly. “Do you?”

“Nope.”

I exhale.

“I’m just shocked you didn’t ask me about it. I think that’s what the psychologists call
progress,
big guy
.
” He laughs, but I don’t join him.

“What about Agent Eric? You checked in with him recently?”

“Yeah, I talked to him a couple days ago on an unrelated project—they’ve got me working on several things for them nowadays—because I’m a fucking genius, as I mentioned—”

“What’d he say, Henn?”

“He said all’s quiet—well, at least regarding The Club. Sounds like Eric’s been climbing the ranks and kicking ass at the ol’ FBI, so he’s been plenty busy tracking down lots of evil bad guys. But not from The Club.”

“And Oksana’s totally neutralized? She just sits there every day in her prison cell doing Sudoku?”

“Well, obviously, those pesky Ukrainian separatists are still working hard to get back onto their mommy’s Russian tit—just check the headlines—and, from what we can tell, Oksana’s still quite the pimpstress extraordinaire, even from prison—once a pimpstress always a pimpstress, I guess—but, yeah, there’s no hint of anyone paying us any mind whatsoever. We’re still sitting pretty like Honey Boo Boo.”

“How many shots of espresso have you had today, Henn?”

“Like, eight.”

“Yeah. I can tell. You gotta lay off that stuff, Henn. Seriously.”

He audibly shrugs over the phone line.

“You’ll tell me if something comes up, right?”

“Indubitably.”

“And you’re still gonna monitor things really carefully?”

“Of course. You guys are family. I don’t take any chances with my family.”

“Thanks, Henn.”

“Sure thang, big guy.”

“Okay. Talk to you soon.”

“Talk to later. Oh, hey, Jonas?”

“What?”

“Happy squirt-questing.”

I laugh despite myself. “You, too, Henn.”

“And Jonas?”

“
What
?”

“You can never go wrong with diamonds.”

The minute we hang up, I immediately cue up the squirting video again and re-watch the entire thing. When it’s over, I rise up from the kitchen table, taking great care not to whack my gigantic woody against the underside of the table as I stand, and beeline straight for my shower, unbuttoning my jeans as I go.

Chapter 29

Jonas

Four Weeks Without Sex

(Other Than Wacking Off, Of Course, Obviously)

aka Oh My Fucking God, This Is Fucking Torture

Sarah moans softly next to me in the bed.

My eyes spring open. A hard rain is battering the house. It’s the dark of night.

“Sarah?”

I don’t understand that particular moan she just made. Is she in pain?

“Sarah?” I say again, reaching for her. My eyes haven’t adjusted to the darkened room. “Baby?”

Her hand skims my bare chest and then grazes the front of my boxers, right over my cock. “Jonas,” she whispers softly. “
Yes
.”

Oh, thank you, God. I know that tone in my baby’s voice. That’s pure arousal right there—which means that moan she made a minute ago was the sound of my baby having a sex dream. Hallelujah. These past weeks since Sarah gave birth, her sex drive has been as dead as a doornail (and understandably so). Does this mean her body is beginning to spring back to life again?

I pull myself close to her in the warm bed, pushing my rising erection into her, kissing her lips hungrily. “Jonas,” she mumbles, pressing herself into me and returning my kiss.

I push her onto her back, pull up her nightgown, and begin pulling down her big ol’ granny panties with the big ol’ pad in the crotch. I know I’m not allowed to make love to her with my cock or fingers yet, per doctor’s orders, but the good doctor herself said my tongue is fair game. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna give her.

Sarah’s body stiffens. “No, Jonas. I’m still bleeding.”

“Ssh,” I soothe, pulling her undies down past her hips. Oh, God, my cock is already throbbing for her. “Relax, baby.”

“No, listen. Wait. I’m bleeding
a lot
.” She puts her hands on mine, momentarily halting the downward progress of her underwear.

Wordlessly, I get out of bed and head toward the bathroom, navigating my way slowly in the moonlit room.

“What are you doing?”

I don’t reply. There’s nothing to talk about. She doesn’t get a fucking vote. I’m gonna make her come. Right now. Come hell or high water. Or blood.

Surprisingly, given all the pussy I’ve eaten in my lifetime, this is about to be my first ever bloody box lunch. With women before Sarah, bloody sex hasn’t come up that much, to be honest, and if so, I’ve always avoided going downtown during it, probably thanks to my long and tortured history with blood. And with Sarah, even though I’ve always been more than willing, she’s always refused me, saying it’s “too gross.” And I’ve never once pushed back. Why would I? We’ve always still had intercourse during her period; plus, Sarah’s never one to shy away from a damned fine blowjob, especially when she’s trying to deflect me from doing something. So it hasn’t been hard for me to refrain from eating rare meat during Sarah’s time of the month. But this time, all bets are off. I’m chowing down, no matter what. I’m earning my red wings right fucking now.

I grab a couple towels from the bathroom cabinet and head back into the bedroom, stopping at my computer on the way to press play on “Sky Full of Stars” by Coldplay. Ever since I played this song for Sarah in the hospital, I’ve been dying to make it the soundtrack to an earth-shattering orgasm for her. Oh man, my cock is tingling and twitching at the mere thought of her howling with pleasure with this song swirling around us.

I crawl back into the bed, singing along to the song, and slide two thick towels underneath her hips.

“Jonas,” she whispers, obviously unsure.

“Ssh,” I say. “Don’t speak.”

She exhales, clearly ambivalent—but she doesn’t speak, as instructed.

I kiss her deeply, running my fingertip across her collarbone. “Just relax.” My fingers slide over her erect nipples. There’s a small patch of wetness in the fabric of her nightgown, over her left nipple. The sensation makes my cock twitch again.