The Culmination (37 page)

And yet, somehow, through it all, my little howler monkey manages to keep quiet as a mouse... until the bitter end when she gasps audibly, drawing her mother’s attention yet again.

“Oh my God, Sarah. You’re sweating. Honey, I think we need to get you to the hospital. Something’s wrong.”

Sarah looks down at the table for what seems like forever. Finally, she lifts her head calmly and wipes her beaded brow. “No, I... I’m okay, Mom. I think I just need to... “ Sarah takes a big, steadying breath. “I think I need go to the bathroom for a second just to... splash some cold water on my face.” She visibly shudders. “I’m just a little nauseated.”

“I’ll take you, baby,” I say. “Let me help you.”

Sarah looks at me and nods furiously. “Yes,
please
.
Yes.
Thank you, Jonas.
Yes
. Right now. Good idea.
Yes.
”

I pull my hand out of her and, slowly,
slowly
—with Sarah’s eyes tracking my every movement—slide my glistening fingers into my mouth. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you feeling all better.”

A small tremor rocks Sarah’s body. She squeezes my thigh forcefully. “Kat, can you and Gracie scoot down to let us out, please?”

“Sure thing, sis.” She flashes Sarah a look that makes it clear she knows exactly what Sarah and I are intending to do in the bathroom.

“Don’t be silly,
mi hija,
” Gloria says, standing. “Jonas can’t go with you into the
ladies’
room—I’ll help you.”

Sarah looks at me for help, but I’ve got nothing.

“Come on, honey. You don’t look well. Come with me.”

“No, actually, I’m okay now,” Sarah says abruptly. “Perfect, in fact. I don’t need to go the bathroom, after all.” She grabs an ice cube out of her water and touches her forehead with it. “See? This is all I need. A little cold water, and, boom, I’m great. Wow. That was weird. Just came on suddenly. But I’m fine now.”

“Do you think you have a fever?”

Sarah shakes her head.

Gloria sits back down slowly, but she’s clearly on edge—and understandably so after what the poor woman’s been through with her beloved daughter these past few weeks. “You know what,
querida
? I think I know what’s going on here.”

Sarah looks at me, obviously gripped with sudden anxiety, and I almost burst out laughing at the expression on her adorable face.

“You’re trying to do way too much too soon,” Gloria declares emphatically. “That’s the problem.”

Sarah exhales audibly and her body relaxes next to me in the booth. “You think?”

“Of course. You always push yourself too hard. You have to realize you can’t keep going at the same pace you always have. Your body’s still healing—and it’s producing milk for the babies, too. Both of those things take a lot of extra energy. You’ve got to rest. Listen to your body and give it exactly what it needs.”

Sarah’s been squeezing my hand like a vise during her mother’s entire lecture. “You know what, Mom? Thank you for that advice. I’ll do exactly that—I’ll start giving my body exactly what it needs.”

“Are you just pacifying me,
mi hija
, or are you really gonna take my advice?”

“Mom, I swear on all things holy, right after we leave this restaurant—the very second I get home, in fact—I’m gonna start following your advice to a tee.” Sarah shoots me a secret smirk that makes me cover my mouth with my hand.

“I gotta go pee-pee,” Gracie suddenly blurts. “Mommy, I gonna pee-pee.”

Kat’s face lights up. “You wanna go pee-pee in the toilet, Gracie? Oh my God! Good girl. Hang on.” Kat struggles to scoot Gracie and herself out of the booth quickly, but it’s slow go with Kat’s belly.

Gloria bolts up from her chair on the outside of the table, putting her arms out. “Hand Gracie over the table. I’ll run with her to the bathroom.”

I lean over Sarah and grab Gracie like the kid’s on fire and practically throw her to Gloria, who then darts off toward the bathroom with Gracie in her arms.

“Oh my God, that’s so exciting,” Kat says, her gaze following Gloria and Gracie across the restaurant. “If Gracie could be out of diapers by the time Jack comes, I’d be a happy momma.”

“To potty training!” Josh says, holding up his beer.

“Here, here!” Kat says, clinking Josh’s beer with her club soda.

I tap Kat’s glass with my beer. “Here, here,” I say.

“Come on, OAP Cruz,” Josh says, holding up his beer to Sarah.

Sarah raises her glass, but she’s clearly still distracted by her arousal.

“Hey, Josh,” I say. “Do me a favor and stop calling Sarah ‘OAP’ all the time, would you? You don’t even know what it means.”

“Of course I know what ‘OAP’ means—that’s why I say it all the time,” Josh says. “Will told Reed exactly what it means that night in Thailand, and Reed told me.” Josh winks at Sarah. “I think it’s hilarious.”

Sarah’s face drops and I’m sure mine does, too.
Motherfucker.
I’m gonna track down that motherfucking piece of shit “2Real” and pummel his goddamned, fucking face for blabbing Sarah’s secret. It was one thing for Sarah to babble it to Will, but she was drunk off her ass and under the spell of the mega-star on her ringtone. In retrospect, I don’t even blame her. But that piece of shit? I can’t believe he had so little respect for Sarah that he immediately shot his mouth off to—

“Other
Asshole’s
Property,” Josh says slowly, interrupting my rambling thoughts. Josh laughs. “So fucking hilarious.”

My jaw hangs open.

“I don’t know why you’re so touchy about it, bro,” Josh continues. “I mean, so what if Will called Sarah that ’cause he had the hots for her? It’s actually an indirect compliment to
you
.” He swigs his beer. “
Asshole
.”

Chapter 34

Sarah

My mom is sweet.

My mom is kind.

My mom is nurturing and good.

I love her. I love her. I love her.

I have to keep reminding myself of these positive and loving affirmations so I don’t haul off and throttle her. After dinner, my mom was so worried about me, she insisted on riding back home with Jonas and me in our car, despite Kat being the one who picked her up and brought her to the hospital in the first place, goddammit. And no matter how much I insisted I was fine and she didn’t need to come home with us, no matter how much I assured her Jonas would take care of me, just like he always does, and always will—
because he’s my husband, Mom!
—she still wouldn’t back down. Jeez. Now I know how it feels to be married to me. Talk about having a woman go Latina on my ass.

“Let’s get you out of that dress and into your pajamas,” Mom says as we enter the house.

“No, Mom,” I say, because there’s no way in frickin’ hell I wore my delicious-anticipation dress from Belize just so that my dearest
mother
could rip it off my goddamned body.
Jeupucha culo.

“Well, let me get you some tea, then. And where’s your thermometer? I want to take your temperature.”

“Oh my God, Mom. I’m
fine
.” I settle onto the couch. “Please. You shouldn’t have come. Jonas is gonna take extra good care of me—just like he always does.”

“Well, I know that. But he just got back from an important business trip. Let him get himself situated and de-stressed while I get you settled in and make sure you’re okay.”

“Mom, I’m just gonna pump and go to bed.”

“Fine. You pump while I make you some tea and find the thermometer. And then we’ll get you into bed. I won’t be able to sleep tonight unless I know you’re getting plenty of rest.”

Where the heck is Jonas, I suddenly wonder? Why is he leaving me all alone to face this demon-woman on my own? But the thought has no sooner formed in my mind than Jonas is handing me my pump, his eyes burning like hot coals.

“Thank you, love,” I say.

He nods and walks away without a word.

Oh dear. I can only imagine the homicidal thoughts he must be having toward my mother right now. Well, actually, I don’t need to imagine them because I’m having them, too.

Jonas leaves the room and I don’t blame him. The man wants to bone! Bone, bone, bone! And so do I. Good lord, so do I. I wanna effing all-caps bone. Right after I show him something, that is. Something epic. Something I did for him while he was gone on his business trip. Something I have no intention of showing him with my freaking mother looking on. Good lord.

Fifty-seven sexless minutes after Jonas and I first arrived home with Mom in tow, Jonas re-enters the front door of our house, having just dropped my mother off at her house. I’m still sitting on the couch, right where my mother left me, having just finished emptying my boobs and drinking the mug of chamomile tea she insisted I drink. The minute Jonas enters the door, he pulls out his phone and emphatically presses a button—and “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons immediately starts blaring through the sound system.

“It’s bonin’ time, baby,” he barks, bounding toward me, unzipping his pants as he goes, a look of sheer elation on his face. “Bone, bone, bone.”

I stand from the couch and put up my hand. “Hang on. I’ve got something I wanna show you first.”

“Ha, ha.” He grabs me and kisses my neck, his hard-on spearing me in the hip.

“I’m not kidding. There’s something I want to show you first. It’ll just take two minutes.”

“The only thing I want you to show me is the inside of your vagina.” He pulls on my dress.

“I’ve got a surprise for you, baby. I’m
dying
to show it to you.”

“The only surprise I want from you is your
vagina
. Surrounding my radioactive dick.
Right now
.” He grabs my ass.

“Baby, please. It’ll take two minutes. Come on.” I tug on his hand and pull him toward the nursery.

He exhales. “Are you serious?”

“Totally. Please. You won’t regret it. Come on. It’s a huge surprise.”

He exhales, resigned. He pulls out his phone and taps a button and the blaring song abruptly ceases. “It’s times like this I wonder if you love me at all.”

I laugh. “I do, baby. With all my heart. Come on.” I grab his hand and lead him across the house toward the nursery—my stomach suddenly fluttering with a thousand butterflies. I’ve worked almost nonstop on this surprise for the last three days while Jonas has been out of town on his business trip, all the while fantasizing about the look on his face when he finally gets to see it.

“Are you taking me to our bedroom?”

I shake my head.

“To the nursery?” Jonas says.

I don’t reply, but that’s clearly the only other place this hallway leads.

“Oh, hey, did you finally paint the mural?”

“Stop trying to guess. Just go with the flow.”

We continue walking down the hall.

“Uh oh. Have you planned another grand gesture, Sarah Faraday?”

“Maybe.”

“What did I tell you about that?”

“To leave the grand gestures and metaphors to you.”

“That’s right.”

“Some women just don’t listen, I guess.”

“
Bossy
women.”

We’re just outside the nursery door. I’m shaking with anticipation. “Ready?” I say, my hand on the doorknob.

He shoots me a look that says, “Hurry the fuck up.”

I take a deep breath, open the door, and lead the love of my life inside the room.

Chapter 35

Jonas

I don’t know how my baby did it, but she did: I’m not thinking about my throbbing dick right now—not at all. I’m too consumed with the outrageous throbbing of my heart. I’m stunned. In complete awe at what my eyes are beholding. The lavender walls of the nursery are littered with twinkling stars. A giant moon and yellow sun, both of them smiling broadly, adorn two opposite corners of the walls—and an array of scenes and images are bursting with color across all four walls. I can’t focus on any one image; I’m just too overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

Sarah squeezes my hand and points up to where three phrases are scrolling across the tops of three contiguous walls: “
Love is the joy of the good... the wonder of the wise... the amazement of the gods
.”

Goose bumps erupt all over my body.

Sarah touches my forearm and strokes my tattoo bearing the same words. “We’re the greatest love story ever told,” she whispers.

I nod, at a complete loss for words. I feel lightheaded.

Sarah turns me around and points behind us, to the top of the fourth wall.

“
You are the divine original form of you
,” the wall says.
“And this family is the divine original form of love.”

“Sarah,” I say softly, but there are no words for what I’m feeling.

Sarah turns me back around and directs my attention to a painted scene on the wall in front of us.

There’s a big, blue, shaggy monster with one enormous eye and a huge goofy grin, beating his massive chest. He’s standing on a flowery hilltop, next to a slightly smaller, yellow monster with long eyelashes, red lips, and a noticeably huge ass, while two little girl-monsters with colorful bows on the tops of their shaggy heads frolic in the flower fields around them.

I look at Sarah, my mouth hanging open.

“We’re a family of beasts,” Sarah says matter-of-factly. “And our leader is our beloved Daddy Beast. The one and only.”

I shake my head, incapable of forming words.

Sarah giggles and points to the next wall.

There’s a muscled knight in shining armor, sitting gallantly atop a powerful white steed. A dark-haired queen in a flowing white dress sits behind the knight, squeezing him tightly, her cheek pressed against his broad back and little pink hearts flowing out of her chest. Two dark-haired princesses in flowing pink and yellow gowns ride alongside the knight, each one riding her own brown pony.

“You’re my knight in shining armor, Jonas,” Sarah says.

She points to the left and my eyes drift in the direction of her hand.

There’s a cartoon version of me with ridiculous He-Man muscles, a whoosh of Prince Charming hair, and a chin that’s three times larger than the real thing (I hope). The cartoon version of me is shirtless and positioned in the classic thinker’s pose, a platinum bracelet on my wrist, holding a book with a big, red heart on its cover. Two little babies are nestled in my muscled arm, opposite the book in my hand, and a cartoon version of Sarah with flowing hair lies on the ground at my feet, gazing up at me adoringly, little hearts floating up from her chest and a prominent platinum bracelet on her wrist.