The Confession (20 page)

Mary pointed a finger at
him. “You listen to
me,
John!
Today
is
the last time you will beg anyone for
forgiveness! You have proven to everyone that you are sorry for
what happened. What else do they expect of you? Lydia says she
forgives you. Adam and Gail will never do so. I don’t know how
everyone else feels, but at this point, I don’t care how everyone
else feels. I only care about my brother, and this self-inflicted
torture ends today! You have a full life ahead of you. If you feel
the need to leave the city, do it.”

John said nothing as they
drove back to her house. Mary followed him up to his room and
watched as he sat on the edge of the bed and break into a million
pieces. She sat down next to him. “Take a few days to relax John,
and focus on what is important in your life. Our Lord forgave you
many years ago. Let go of the memories, or they will eventually
kill your spirit. I do not want you disappearing from my life. If
you decide to leave, please tell me. I always want to know where
you are. I love
you,
John. I always will.”

I hold my sister’s hand,
and I am so grateful for her love and support. She will never know
how her love soothes my soul. “Hearing those words touches my
heart. I love you too, and I promise not to disappear on you. Today
was a catalyst for me. I will no longer
suffer
the shame of my
past. God has given me the strength to confront my family, ask for
forgiveness, and accept that it will not be forthcoming. I have to
move past this with the
knowledge
that I have done all that I
can.”

“I want you to rest
tonight, and tomorrow we will take a
drive
to Atlantic City. You
need fresh air and a few days of peace and reflection.”

“I don’t know if I can sleep. My mind
is racing.”

“Would you like to watch something on
television? I have ice cream in the freezer.”

“What flavor do you have?”

“I have
mint
chocolate
chip
and cherry. I also have whipped
cream and a jar of maraschino cherries.”

My stomach growls in agreement. “That
sounds delicious.”

It is well past midnight
when I say goodnight to my sister. Her house is quiet, and I close
my eyes and drift into a peaceful
sleep
. The next morning, I
awake feeling hopeful about the future. I’ve done all that I can to
resolve matters with my family, and I look forward to spending the
day with Mary.

“When was the last time you had a day
to yourself?”

“Sadly, it’s been several years, maybe
more. I was always preoccupied with one project or another, and
never took time for myself. This feels strange.”

She smiled as she reached into her tote
bag and pulled out a digital camera. “I want to take a lot of
pictures of the two of us today. I want new memories.”

John laughed. “We’ll take as many as
you like. Today is our special day.”

I do not remember the last
time I have felt so relaxed. Mary and I walk on the boardwalk, eat
funnel cake, play the shot machines, and take dozens of pictures. I
feel
comfortable
wearing shorts and a tee shirt. I feel
normal
, and I like the feeling. My feet are aching, and I beg Mary
to take a break. We sit under one of the pergolas’ and eat water
ice. The gentle rolling of the ocean waves mesmerizes
me.

I sigh with contentment as
I finish my huge water ice. “This was an excellent
idea,
Mary. I haven’t eaten this much junk food in a very long time.
I mentored a basketball team at my old parish and after each game;
I would take the children to the local pizza house. Two
slices
were
my limit. I fear I’ve gained a few pounds today,
but it was worth it. I’ll probably have indigestion later
tonight.”

Mary laughed. “Don’t worry. I have
plenty of antacid in the kitchen. You needed this day John, and I
am happy you shared it with me. I have some great pictures of you.
Let’s take a walk on the beach.”

Once again, I feel an overwhelming
sense of contentment. The feeling is foreign to me. Mary laughs at
me because I have been picking up seashells from the sand and
placing them in a plastic bag. I know it is silly collecting
seashells, but I want to remember this day. When the bag is full, I
look down at it and feel sad. I look over at Mary and she is
staring at me.

“What it is John? You have the
strangest look on your face.”

“I never had this growing up. We always
came here during the summer, and I usually sat under an umbrella,
while you and Adam ran up and down the beach. Looking back now, I
feel sad because none of this had to happen. My childhood was not a
happy one. It makes me happy walking on the beach with you. This
entire day makes me happy. I wish I would have felt this way when I
was a child.”

“I’m sorry John. I had no idea you were
unhappy. How did I miss the signs?”

“I did not want anyone to
know. On some level, I felt guilty for the resentment I had towards
you and Adam. I could never pinpoint why I felt so antagonistic
towards everyone. Those emotions were always a part of me. Father
Randall helped me to channel those emotions into something
productive. I
am
being
honest with you Mary. It took me a
very long time to feel…normal. When Lydia asked me if I abused
anyone else, something in me died. The person that I once was no
longer exists. Why can’t everyone see who I am now?”

“You can’t go back and
change your
life,
John. What matters now is learning
from this experience, recognize what triggers your sadness, and
channel those emotions in a productive way. We are all victims of
our past. You cannot dwell on events that were out of your control,
and you certainly cannot make someone like you. If they can’t see
who you are now, nothing you say or do will change their opinion of
you. What makes me angry is you willingly walked away from the
church to protect Gail, and they are unable to comprehend what this
sacrifice has done to you.”

“What else could I do,
Mary? I do not respond well to blackmail, and while my permanent
file contains the
entire
sorted truth, Father Mallard
made
me
feel…dirty. I had to protect Gail.”

“Live your
life,
John, that’s all any of us can do. Make peace with the
situation and take it one day at a time.”

“Words of wisdom Mary, maybe if you say
I often enough, it will sink in.”

“It will if you let go of the memories.
Find your focus John, and you will make a difference in so many
people’s lives.”

Mary and I sit on the boardwalk and
watch the sun descend across the water. It was a perfect day, a day
that I will remember for a long time.

Dinner at Adams house that night was
tense. The atmosphere was quiet, and it felt unnatural. Gail sat
next to her brother in her wheelchair and pushed the food around on
her plate. After several tense minutes, Bobby spoke. “Why does
everyone look like someone just died? As far as I’m concerned,
nothing has changed. The runt is still a pain in the ass, and I
am…well…just incredibly handsome. No one at this table should waste
one more second on Uncle John. He is out of our lives, and I for
one am happy. He said what he needed to say, and that’s the end of
it. Let’s move on and put this to bed, once and for
all.”

Adam sat
dumbfounded,
and all he
could do was laugh.
“I’m happy that you
love yourself so much, and I agree with you. Let’s enjoy
this
beautiful
dinner, and when we have
finished eating
, we can
relax in the living room and watch a movie. I heard through the
grapevine that we have chocolate ice cream for dessert.”

Gail wanted to watch a
chick flick, and while everyone groaned and complained, they all
sat
in silence
while she ate ice cream and watched her movie.
Later that night, the family sat down and aired their feelings.
Adam gave everyone ample time to vent. He started with
Bobby.

“I am pissed and I want to
hit something. Gran and
Gramps
called me today and acted as if
nothing happened. When I told
Gramps
that I knew the truth,
he apologized and asked me not to rush to judge him.”

“Lydia, how do you feel?”

“I’m tired of thinking about this. I
want him to stay away from us. I accept his apology, but I will
never forget what he did to me.”

Adam looked to Gail. “How about you
sweetheart, how do you feel today?”

“I’m very upset Dad. It is
upsetting knowing the circumstances of my conception. John looks
at
me,
and I feel weird. I hate him for what he did to
Mom, and then feel guilty for hating him. I
see
you and know you
are hurting just as much as I am.”

Adam sighed. “I won’t lie
to
you,
Gail. I was devastated when David told me your
blood type
did
not match mine. So many emotions assaulted me, and
it felt like my heart stopped beating. There were only two possible
explanations,” he said as he looked at Lydia and reached for her
hand,
“and,
unfortunately, my mind went to a dark place. What
matters most is that I love
you,
Gail. I called my lawyer
this morning and explained the situation. I want John to waive all
parental rights, and I want
to adopt you.
”

“I’m eighteen. Can you legally adopt
someone who is not minor?”

“Yes. There is no age restriction on
adoption, and I will not rest until you are, for lack of a better
word, legally my daughter.”

Lydia rose from her seat,
walked over to Adam, and sat
on
his lap. The pressure
against his groin shot up his spine. She wrapped an
arm
around Adam and kissed him passionately. The children always
made
catcalls
and
hooting
sounds when they kissed, but not
this time. Gail and Bobby watched their parents with love and
admiration. “I love you so much Adam. Thank you for loving us the
way you do.”

Lydia’s words touched his heart. With
his children surrounding him, and his wife holding him, Adam cried.
He buried his face against his wife’s soft breasts and cried.
Soothing hands caressed his arms and shoulders. Bobby stood behind
his father and placed comforting hands on his shoulders. Gail
reached out to hold his hand.

Bobby broke the tension in the room
when he shouted, “We are a united front against the evil forces in
the world. No one messes with Darth Adam!” Everyone laughed. Ah,
the joys of parenthood!

Chapter 15

John woke early the next
morning and dressed for Sunday mass. He could not face
everyone
and observed mass in the back of the church.
He
quietly left the
church
before the end of services.
Driving aimlessly, he thought about his parents. He needed to speak
to the only man he considered his father. With a new sense of
purpose, he drove the familiar streets until he found himself
parked outside their house.

Margaret was standing on
the sidewalk watering her garden and was surprised to see
John
sitting in Mary’s
car
in front of her house. She walked over
to his car and smiled at John. “I’m surprised to see
you,
John. Are you ok?”

John got out of the car. “I am fine
Mom, and I too am surprised to be standing here with you. Is Dad at
home? I would like to speak to the two of you.”

“Yes, he is in the back yard reading
the paper. Follow me please.”

The hairs on the back of my
neck tingle as I walk into the house. It hadn’t changed much over
the years. Feeling uneasy, I keep my head down and follow Mom out
onto the deck. Dad sits with his feet propped up on a
chair
and looks up when he hears the sliding door open. He glances
at
Mom,
and she gives him the ‘be
nice,
or I will kill
you’ look. Sighing, he offers me a seat. “Why are you here John?
What do you want from me?”