The Confession (15 page)

Colin lost his temper when he walked
into Mary’s house and saw John sitting in the living room. “What
the fuck is he doing here? Did you call him Mary?”

“Dad, shut up and sit down. I don’t
want to hear anything you have to say. Do you hear me?”

“What did you say to me? Shut up? I’m
still your father, and you will respect me!”

“This is my house!” Mary spat out. “And
you will watch your language!”

Adam heard the yelling as
he walked
in
the front door. “What the hell is going on in
here? Why are you yelling at each other?”

Colin pointed to John. “I
don’t want him in this house. Either he
leaves
or I
leave.”

“No one is leaving,” Mary said. “If you
walk out of this house, don’t come back.”

“Oh, great, this day keeps getting more
fucked-up!”

Margaret growled to him,
“Will you please shut your
goddamn
mouth for once in your
life!”

Mary stood before her
family, her back as stiff as steel. She turned her icy stare
towards her father. “I have asked all of you here today because I
want to
clear
the air. I met with John yesterday, and he told me
something that shook me to the core. I want all of you to listen to
what he has to say. We will have ample time later to discuss what
has
been
said
.”

John stood before everyone
and prayed for strength. “First, let me say that I have informed
Father O’Connell of my decision to leave the priesthood. Returning
to Philadelphia was not my decision, and I knew I would have
to face all of you
eventually
. I relive the unfortunate events
of the past with shame and disgust.”

Looking at Colin and Margaret, he said,
“I knew at an early age that I was different. I felt it in the way
you interacted with me. I never understood the indifference I felt
from both of you. Everything changed after Mary and Adam were born,
and I began to resent them. You provided a roof over my head and
food on the table, but you never made me feel loved. I felt like an
outsider, and in hindsight, it was the beginning of many problems
in my life.”

“Imagine my surprise, when
at the age of sixteen, I found my adoption papers in a steamer
trunk in the basement. I finally understood why I felt different. I
finally
realized
my place within the family.”

He looked directly at
Lydia. “The one solid relationship I had in my life was our
friendship. I loved
you
and wanted to share my life with
you. I knew you did not have those feelings for me, and I hoped
that with time, you would love me. My dreams died the day you left
me for Adam. I felt empty inside, and I had no outlet, no one to
talk to who could help me to accept that I would never have a
relationship with you.”

“I was already drinking and taking
drugs and I know it was the catalyst for our relationship ending so
abruptly. No one noticed my constant state of intoxication. No one
cared to find out what was wrong with me. I roamed the streets at
night looking for my next fix. I barely held onto my job. My faith
dictates that I forgive the sinner, however; the heart of a lonely
child still dwells within me. I find it difficult living with this
rejection.”

John knelt before Lydia and
held her hands. “Lydia, I have lived the past nineteen years
regretting my actions. I know you fear me, and knowing this will
haunt me for the remainder of my life. I want you to be happy
Lydia. I want to wipe away that look of fear
on
your face. I
want this turmoil to end, but I don’t know how. I realize now I can
never escape the past. It haunts me to the point of madness. I beg
you Lydia; please forgive me. I am a changed man. I will gladly
endure criminal
prosecution
if that will ease your
pain.”

“Gail is a beautiful young
woman, but I will never be her father.” He turned to Adam and said,
“You will always be her
dad
. I do not want to be a part of her
life. My presence will only confuse and upset her. Knowing what I
did to her mother and the circumstances of her conception are
upsetting enough. My presence will be a constant
reminder.”

Lydia leaned against her husband for
support. “You have to understand John, that in my mind, this just
happened to me. You have had nineteen years to come to terms with
what happened between us. I need time to process these
feelings.”

“I understand Lydia. I only hope and
pray that one day, you will forgive me.”

John released her hands and stood
before Colin and Margaret. “I want to thank you for taking care of
me. It was never my intention to bring shame to our
family.”

Colin sat in stunned
silence. So now, the family knew the truth. It somehow liberated
his tongue. “I want you to know that Margaret and I did care for
you. I can’t change the past. If we somehow made you feel left out,
I am sorry. You were a difficult child. Nothing we did
would make
you happy. You know how it was between us. Everything we said
made you angry. You
always
fought with your brother and
sister. Is it so difficult understanding why we felt indifferent? I
couldn’t take it anymore and let you do whatever you wanted. You
had the potential to be
an excellent
young man, but you threw
away any chance of a happy life when you raped Lydia. I don’t care
what you do now. I just want you to leave us alone. Go back to
California.”

Everyone in the room sat in stunned
silence as they absorbed Colin’s words. John’s face was ashen
white. “Colin, where is this anger coming from? This goes beyond
what happened with Lydia. Your rejection affected my life. Is it so
impossible to comprehend that your actions and lack of parenting
molded my young life? I remember how it was when I was a child. You
had no patience for me. You had no time for me, and when I would
say something, it always ended with an argument.”

“Are you blaming me for your fucked-up
life? Did I force you to become an addict?”

“No Colin. Ultimately, the
fault lies with me.
You, however,
hold part of the blame.
Had you been
an
active
role model in my life, I would have
made better choices
in
my life. None of this matters now. As
you’ve said, we cannot change the past. The last thing I want is
another argument.”

Colin walked over to Lydia and reached
for her hand. She recoiled from his touch, and the shock of her
rejection hurt him deeply. “I am sorry honey for hurting you. In
hindsight, we made the wrong decision. I hope that one day you can
forgive us. It saddens me knowing you gave birth to his
child.”

Margaret burst into tears. “How can you
say that about your grand-daughter?”

“She is not my
grand-daughter.”

Adam leaped from his seat
and came face to face with his father. “If you ever say such a
thing in front of Gail, I will
ram
my fist down your fucking
throat. Gail is my daughter, and if you can’t accept this as fact,
I want you to stay the fuck away from all of us. My family is
my
primary
concern.”

“Please everyone,” John said, “Take a
step back and calm down. Arguing with each other solves nothing.
Once the process of laicization is complete, and I am no longer a
priest, I will return to California. I do not want to cause further
stress within the family.”

Adam walked over to John and said, “I
think it is a good idea to step back and think about your decision.
Where will you live?”

“He can live with
me,
”
Mary said.

Colin grabbed Margaret’s hand and
headed for the door. “I am done talking about this. Your mother and
I made the only decision we could at the time, and if all of you
hate us, well, I guess we will have to live with it.” He turned and
dragged his wife out of the house.

Everyone stood staring at
the door as Colin and Margaret left the
room
. Mary sat down and
covered her f
ace
with her hands. Adam sat next to her and gathered
his sister in his strong arms. She leaned against him and took
comfort from their connection. “So many secrets,” Adam whispered to
her. Looking up at John, he said, “How could they keep so many
secrets from all of us? How have we not seen any of this while
living in their house?”

John shook his head. “I have seen more
than I care to share with all of you. While the mistakes of the
past do not excuse my behavior, I hope you now have a better
understanding of what drove me to my actions. I continually pray
for forgiveness.”

At that moment, Father
Brady’s phone chimed. Looking at the screen, he saw Father
O’Connell’s name on the screen. “
Hello,
Father
O’Connell.”

“Father Brady, I am distressed and
concerned to see the note you left in your room.”

“I am sorry Father. I do
not want to
upset
you. I need a few days to come to
terms with my past.”

“Where will you
go,
John? The church is your home. Please do not do something
irrational without first speaking to me. Do I have your
promise,
Father?”

“Yes, Father O’Connell. I will return
to the rectory by the end of the weekend. I want to spend a few
days alone with my sister.”

“God bless
you,
John. Take comfort in His presence and come to terms with your
past. You are an asset to the church, and I do not want to lose
you.”

“Thank
you,
Father
O’Connell. Your words touch my heart.”

Lydia felt something shift
within her.
Today
was the first time she’d spent a
significant amount of time with John, and she saw the change in
him. The panic and fear she felt being near him eased somewhat. “I
think we all need a few days to digest what we’ve learned today.
Let’s take a few
days,
and we’ll talk again on Friday.
All of you are welcomed to have dinner with us. I think it’s time
we went home.”

John was
shocked
and happy to have received the invitation. Nodding his
acceptance, he left the room. Mary followed him into the
kitchen.

“What are you going to do John? How
long can you stay with me?”

“I have until the end of
the weekend. I must focus on Adam,
Lydia,
and Gail. I love
all of them
Mary, and I must find a way to heal the wounds. I
know I will never be a part of their life. Gail is a beautiful
young woman, and she deserves to live a happy life. I do not want
the shame of my sin following her for the remainder of her life.
Adam is her father, in every way that matters most.”

Mary
leaned
into her
brother. “I am so proud of you John. You have found your calling in
life, and I want you
to
think
about leaving the church.
You have a compassionate
heart, and your parishioners need you.
I
need you, and maybe someday soon, my brother will realize
what
an
incredible
man you are. ‘Let he who is
without sin cast the first stone.’ We are all sinners John, and
the
real
test of our faith is to forgive the
sinner.”

John felt his heart constrict. “I am so
happy to have you in my life. I pray every day that Adam and his
family will finally find it in their hearts to forgive
me.”

Adam and Lydia were in the dining room
and heard the two of them talking. Adam leaned into her. “He’s a
different man Lydia. I can hear it in his voice. Are you
comfortable having him in our house?”

Lydia nodded her head. “You
heard
what he
said,
Adam. We must get past this. I do not
want our daughter haunted by this. I hope that with time, she will
be comfortable being around John.”

Adam held her close. “This is one of
the many reasons why I love you.”

“I love you too,
Adam.
”